Friends, I’d like to thank you for coming together at such short notice. I don’t think any of us seriously believed we’d need to meet today or under these circumstances but it is what it is and we must react to the will of the United Kingdom’s people. Or rather, as I’m sure you know, the will of our deadly enemy, the old people.
Graham, calm down. Directed anger at this point will be of far more use to us. We all feel the same way but that chair did nothing to you. Well, yes, it may have been built by someone who is now old but they probably weren’t then or it would have one of those beaded seat covers on it.
Right. We’ve all been determined to rid ourselves of the scourge that is old people for some time and we’ve been patient, cautious, careful. The EU vote has caught us napping. Our enemy has made a lightning attack we never foresaw and has started a financial collapse and put this country on the road to an isolationist position whilst allowing racists to become bolder. This attempt to turn the country into a scary, lonely place for everyone and not just them may not be able to be halted – I know, I’m sorry Jane but we have to honest – but we can still seek retaliatory action.
Why? I can’t believe you’d ask that Jeremy. That sounds almost like giving up. Uh huh. Okay, well then, to address your devil’s advocate position it’s not cutting our losses it’s ensuring that the enemy does not seek to do more. Do you really think that those who can remember what day it is will stop now or those who can’t will comprehend what turmoil they’ve already unleashed? No, I didn’t think so. We must strike back and we must strike hard. We must give the ageing population who are waiting to fill their slippers something to consider.
Which reminds me: Jeremy, when’s your birthday? A Scorpio, eh? And what year were you born? Uh huh. Thank you. No, no reason.
Let’s start with Operation Buy All The Cardigans. It goes without saying that we need to step this up immediately. Obviously, we’re still relying on a harsh winter to then kill off the layer-less geriatrics and we can’t guarantee that everywhere in the UK any longer thanks to the extreme swings caused by continuing climate change but there’s really no downside to going ahead as it will boost the economy and Christ knows it’s going to need a boost.
How are we going to fund this? I thought we went over this a couple of meetings ago Jeremy. Is there something wrong with your memory? Fine, fine, to clarify to everyone again, for Jeremy’s conscience, we won’t be buying all the cardigans. I know that’s the name of the operation, Jeremy, will you please let me finish? We are going to implement a variation of the same technique that saw us get rid of the threat of lumberjacks coming over here and sawing down our trees when we invented hipsters. Yes, Jane, we never saw the top knot coming but it was ultimately a small price to pay for our forests. Anyway, we have some well-placed young musicians who are ready to start sporting multiple cardigans on stage and in interviews and videos. It’s up to us to then make some initial purchases, remark how cool they are on other people and how hipsters are so last year, and let nature takes its course; cardigan availability drops, the price increases, the old people do without, they freeze to death when the temperature drops below 17 degrees. Okay?
Next, I’ve got a report here from Lisa’s scouting mission to the Werther’s Originals factory. It’s not good reading, I’m afraid, as it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to infect the confectionery at source. We will consider other options around this potential attack point on the elderly – let me or Terry know after the meeting if you’ve got any ideas – but for now we’re going to have to park Operation Candy Crush Grampa.
Graham! There’s no call for that sort of language! This is a civilised meeting for civilised people to discuss the elimination of the elderly members of society and I’ll thank you to try to remember that.
Finally on this emergency agenda I’ve also got some bad news to report from our work in the science lab to see if we can increase the general funky smell of old people making them even less appealing to children and grandchildren and hopefully speeding up the downward spiral to death. We’ve ascertained that the current, natural, evolutionary odour of the enemy is within only one or two percent before it will actually be classed as a nerve gas. Whilst we can strengthen it it’s our determination that to do so would transform a health irritant into a full-blown health hazard leading to mass interest from scientists and possibly military weapon experts looking to find out more. This sort of attention and interest is exactly what we’re looking to avoid so this is another dead end I’m afraid.
Are there any questions? Yes, Carl? That’s a good point. You’re right when you say it’s not entirely the old people who have caused this and that the apathy of the youth has also contributed heavily to the potential disaster we’re all facing but I’m just not sure how we can get it through to them. It’s not like we didn’t warn them repeatedly and we all remember what happened when we tried to make our hip hop political video go viral on Snapchat. Even though we’re trying not to. I’m open to suggestions, as always, regarding how we can teach them what we know through the benefit of our experience.
Sorry, Jeremy, I misheard the start of that. Could you say again?
Teach them through actions? Teach them by removing things they’ve taken for granted and inflicting a long, debilitating hardship on them that they’ll never forget? That’s a very… old person way of thinking, if you don’t mind me observing. Okay, I think we should wrap this meeting up here right now. Thank you, everyone. Graham, I’ve got an idea to help you vent some of that anger. And Jeremy, could you stay too? No, this won’t take long.