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Sick Jokes

The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.

These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.

SICK JOKES BELOW – DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE NARROW-MINDED AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF

REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED

IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT

FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’


One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”


How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.


What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.


What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.


Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.


Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.


Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.


What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.


What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.


Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.


How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.


Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”


Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.


A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”


How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.


What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.


What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.


What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.


A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”

“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.


A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”


What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.


Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.


How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.


What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.


Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.


What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.


What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.


A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”


Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.


What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.


What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.


What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.


Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.


What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.


What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.


What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.


A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.


A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”


How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.


While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”


A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”


An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”


What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.


How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.


What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”


What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.


A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”


A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”


What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.


Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.

Author: Mark

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665 Comments

  1. they are good:L calum livingstone is a peedo:L

    Post a Reply
  2. If u’v red dis fa & r cmplainin’ den fck u cos u’v fckn wagd it aorite

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    • wtf You make less sense then Presidant Bush’s reason for the Iraq war.

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      • Lol nice try at sounding intelligent

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        • haha not one but TWO spelling errors in this genius’ sentence haha

          Post a Reply
          • Lesser, you made three mistakes in your snetence.

  3. What do you call a daddy, who is ready to fuck his little 4 year old girl, for the 1st time?

    Lucky Bastard!!!

    Post a Reply
  4. Whats the best thing about having sex with a kid?

    Everything!!!

    Post a Reply
  5. What do you say to a little girl, after they been fucked?

    Keep your fucking mouth shut!!!

    OR MAYBE…

    Swallow it, you little bitch!!!

    Post a Reply
  6. What the worst thing about posting these type of jokes on a SICK JOKES PAGE?

    Everybody fucking complains… that’s what!!!!

    Post a Reply
  7. OK.. Sorry about removed messages… i got a bit carried away before… didn’t i.. Here is some i put one the wrong page… Involving Star Trek…

    Where does Captain Picard keep his hair piece?

    Well, he has hair on his balls doesn’t he!!! (Need, i say more)

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  8. Where does Data put his mechanical head, when he takes it off?

    Up his mechanical arse!!!

    Post a Reply
  9. Why does Geordi La Forge wear a visor?

    He when blind looking at little girls!!! (What a WANKER!!!!)

    Post a Reply
  10. What does it mean when the Starship Enterprise gets engine trouble?

    It means Geordi La Forge has gone for a wank to his Child porn collection!!!

    Post a Reply
    • Problem is, your jokes aren’t funny Mr P. Here is my favourite joke:
      What’s the difference between football and rape? Girls don’t like football

      Post a Reply
  11. Whats the best planet they could ever find?

    A planet, where it’s legal to fuck kids… I’m guessing it would be called HEAVEN!!!

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    • what the fuck is wrong with you

      Post a Reply
    • you need to get a life or sum freinds kids really you make me sick

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      • its a sick jokes page! i would think that its a requirement for the person to be at least slightly sick or have a ‘different’ sense of humour!

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    • I like sick jokes as much as anyone here, but you haven’t actually said anything which can be seen as a joke, let alone funny. Stop trying.

      Post a Reply
      • What ARE you talking about? The essence of humour is incongruity, Mr P is hilarious because he keeps adding ‘non-funny jokes’ on a sick jokes page. To find humour in ANY of the jokes on this page is the sign of a sick and twisted mind. So, while the jokes of Mr P may not be ‘funny’, the responses and reactions he elicits from the people who visit the page in search for something funny,are.

        Post a Reply
  12. What’s the worst place to go to in the universe after that?

    Home!!! (Earth!!!) (Fuck it, i would never come back!!!)

    Post a Reply
  13. What does it mean when the Transporter brakes down?

    It means Transporter Chief Miles O’Brien has gone for a wank to his Child porn collection as well!!!

    Post a Reply
  14. What excuse did Transporter Chief Miles O’Brien use, when he was caught fucking his daughter?

    I just beamed in by accident!!!

    Post a Reply
  15. What does it mean… when i’m not here posting jokes?

    It means, I’ve gone for a long slow wank to my Child porn collection, also!!!

    —————————————————————————————————

    More jokes from me soon!!! Bye for now!!!

    Post a Reply
  16. I had a good wank, to my CP collection… now a few more….

    You know when you fuckd’ a young girl when the diapers are still smelly!….

    Post a Reply
  17. You know babysitting is easy when you just lay on your back and just lick pussy…

    You know the pussy is young when you cum on her bib…….

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    • you are one sick twisted pervert.. are you actually on the sex offenders register, you should be

      Post a Reply
  18. You know the pussy is fresh when you pull the diaper down….. !!!!

    YUM YUM…. Oh yeah!!!

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  19. You know your hittin fresh pussy when the grandma walks in on you!!!
    (Because, she fucking stinks)

    When the pussy tastes like your sister, it’s " in the family!!! mmm

    You know the pussy is fresh when the experation date says, " born 11 years ago."….

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  20. What’s 3 foot tall and can’t walk down corridors …? A Baby with a Spear through it’s neck !

    Post a Reply
    • Hey hey I like this one

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  21. Harsh sergent…. Another from me…

    What do you call a babysitter who likes fucking kids?

    Lucky!!!

    Post a Reply
  22. this shit was funny as hell keep that shit up

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  23. Wow, so sick but so hilarious!!

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  24. Some of these jokes are fucking disgusting, the pople who made some of these sick baby jokes seriously need to get a life. I don’t know how some people find them funny!

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    • what do cabbage and anal sex have in common? ..if you were forced to have it as a child, you dont like it as an adult

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      • wow thts pretty funneh

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      • You stole that from Daniel Tosh

        Post a Reply
  25. whats 6ft tall, black and screams? stevie wonder answering the iron !

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  26. Why did GOD give women legs?? Cos you’ve seen the mess slugs leave behind

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  27. Wow, i love the new look… great stuff..

    What do you call passengers on a bus with a mad man?

    DEAD…

    What do you call a passengers on a bus with Keanu Reeves?

    Fucked…

    (or maybe in the other version where he failed, i would call them bits and pieces)

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  28. Urgent World Health Organisation (WHO) warning
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    It has come to our attention that a new disease has arisen in Japan following the outbreaks of SARS and H1N1 in earlier years exacerbated by the recent earthquake and tsunami disaster. WHORS (Wholesome Horny Oriental Recreational Sex) disease and a virulent sub-strain (Pearl Harbor Variant) is spread by penniless, young Japanese women (typically exchange students) from the Fukmesuckmelongtime Province and they present with the following symptoms:

    Symptoms:
    ~~~~~~~~

    1) The earth definitely moves after sex.
    2) They keep coming, wave after wave, drenching everything.
    3) They blow their top like Hiroshima and glow in the dark, post-coitus.
    4) They wake up in the morning with a distant stare saying, repeatedly, “Where the fuck am I?”

    Treatment:
    ~~~~~~~~~

    Divorce the old bitch and marry this one.

    Special precautions:
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Use a good pre-nuptial and keep her to yourself otherwise every horny bastard in the neighborhood will want a go!

    Prognosis:
    ~~~~~~~~~

    Give her 3-5 years and then get a younger model.

    Post a Reply
  29. I can help but think by changing it, your taking away what people really think about what’s been put?

    But, it is your choice, i guess. It’s ok with me..

    Post a Reply
  30. for the GF prego, keys locked in joke i would have worded the punchline as “both can be remedied with a hanger”

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  31. Fuck me them jokes are naughty! But really funny 🙂

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  32. Whats The Main Cause Of Pedophilia?

    Sexy Kids

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  33. Cree that was great.
    ——————————————————-

    What’s the best thing about looking at sexy kids when your out and about?

    Nothing, you can’t wank in public. 🙁

    ——————————————————-

    If anyone else wants to comment on my sick jokes in private, contact me at my new e-mail address at :- xkingx2@gmail.com … tell me which joke you liked best… etc.

    Post a Reply
  34. Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

    She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

    Post a Reply
  35. What’s princess dianas favorite shampoo??

    Head and shoulders cause they found hers all over the dashboard

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  36. Very very funny. I lol’d pretty hard at the ones I hadn’t heard.

    Mr.P, not a single one of your ‘jokes’ were funny. You just sound fucking stupid and make this page look bad. Fuck off.

    Post a Reply
    • There goes the wife again… moan, moan and more bloody moaning… lol. :p

      She doesn’t like the fact, that i like smaller more tasty honey… lol.

      It’s funny though, i don’t remember the wedding?

      I must have been pissed. 😀

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      • Mr p please die with your boring fucking jokes!

        Post a Reply
  37. What does grandmas vagina and ovens have in common

    Answer: both make nobake cookies and pleasure little boys

    Post a Reply
  38. Q: Why are the afghanistan airforce so easy to train?
    A: They only need to know how to take off.

    Post a Reply
  39. My mum complained about the dog digging up the grass again. But I just think it’s trying to help in the search for Madeline.

    Post a Reply
    • I know where Maddie is?

      Still tied to my fucking bed!!!

      Post a Reply
  40. What’s black and blue and is now in my basement ready to be chopped up? Maddie.

    I live on a farm, well i’ve had her. Now it’s their turn. lunch anyone!

    Post a Reply
  41. statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang-rapes

    “hi im Joseph fritzle and no windows was my idea”

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  42. wot does a cheeze toastie and a smear test hav in common …………….. hav u ever tried to open a cheeze toastie

    Post a Reply
  43. digggg…….. What’s the difference between peas and semen?
    Madeline Mcann never got used to the taste of peas.

    Post a Reply
  44. Uhh, some are funny and some make me wanna barf and kick whoever posted them in the wrist. Yeah, I’m hardcore 😀 but seriously.

    Post a Reply
  45. Q: What’s the Chinese word for virgin?
    A: too yung

    Q: What’s the German word for virgin?
    A: guttentite

    Q: What’s the neonbubble word for virgin?
    A: foetus

    Post a Reply
  46. What do you call that lump of flesh around the vagina?

    The woman.

    Post a Reply
  47. how do you make a plumber cry
    kill his whole family

    Post a Reply
  48. Little boy says to his mother… “Mum, how come i’m black & you’re white?”

    She replies… “Shit, when I think back to that Fucken party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”

    Post a Reply
  49. Q: How do you get a Goth out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
    A: Because it was dead.

    Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
    A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

    Post a Reply