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Sick Jokes

The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.

These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.






One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.

What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.

Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.

Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.

Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.

Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”

How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.

What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.

What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.

What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.

A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”

“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.

A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.

How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.

What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”

Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.

What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.

What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”

How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.

While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”

An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”

What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”

What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.

A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”

A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”

What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.

Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.

Author: Mark

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  1. What sucks about being black & Jewish?

    You have to go to the back of the oven.

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  2. As the hillbilly was drinking his beer in his dirty old torn undershirt, resting his feet on the case of beer while watching his usual Sunday afternoon football game, his daughter walks in to the living room and asks “Paaaaahhhh, can I have the keys to the pickup truck pleeeeeease?”
    “Well girl” the father says… “If you want the keys, you know what you gotta do”
    “Again pa?” says the daughter. “All right then” and she proceeds to get on here knees to give her dad a blow job.
    Just as she begins to suck his cock, the girl pulls back and exclaims “It tastes like shit!!!” To what the father responds “Dang, I just remembered, I gave them keys to your brother.

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  3. 2 bums meet up in a park.

    first bum “i had a good day, i found a pack of smokes and smoked them all to myself”.

    second bum “thats nothing. i was walking along the RR tracks and ran into this girl. we screwed all day long”.

    first bum “all day long?”

    second bum “well maybe 1/2 a day.

    first bum “did she give you a BJ?

    second bum “no”

    first bum “you are telling me that you screwed this girl for 1/2 day and she didnt give you a BJ?”

    second bum “no….

    i couldnt find her head.

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  4. What did one gay mortician say to the other gay mortician?

    Let’s go in back and suck down a couple cold ones.

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  5. What’s worse than a dead skunk on your piano?

    A diseased beaver on your organ.

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  6. What do women and tornadoes have in common?

    They both moan like hell when they’re coming and take the house when they leave.

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  7. I was talking to my Grandfather at my 30th birthday party, ”Wow 30 years, you know what I haven’t had in about 30 years?” he asks.

    ”A hard penis.” I said sending my friends into laughter.

    ”No!” he replied winking, ”A baby sucking my cock!”

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  8. i was in the pub the other night with my mate Dave when i noticed a woman with a smoking hot body. i couldn’t keep my yes off her until she turned around and i saw she had a face like a broken banjo. i got up and went for a piss and when i got back to Dave the woman was gone. at this point Dave handed me a bit of paper. written on it was a message, i noticed you looking at me, here’s my number… and it said it was from horse face. it took a couple of days but i got the courage to text her. i figured that if she had the guts to overcome how she looked and call herself horse face then i should give her a shot. so i sent her a message saying “hi horse face, i would love to meet up with you…” it was at this point i told Dave about it to wich he replied with loads of laughter “i wrote hore face on that note so you could know it was from that ugly one…”

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  9. Girl: Mummy! Mummy! Can I have a cookie, please.

    Mum: Yeah sure.

    Girl: But mummy, I don’t have any arms.

    Mum: No arms, no cookies.

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  10. Q. What’s long, white and fits in a kid’s mouth?

    A. An ice cream!

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  11. Johnny and Susie are swimming in the pool together, when Johnny sees a strange thing protruding from Susie’s bathers. Johnny asks, “What is that?”
    “It’s a tampon,” Susie replies. “Mummy says it will stop me from leaking!”

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  12. Q. Why does my car make banging noises when I drive?

    A. Because of the ten-year-old in my trunk!

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  13. One night Susie’s mother serves her cauliflower for tea. Susie pushes the plate away, grunting, “Yuk! Hate cauliflower! Not eating it!”
    The next night, Susie’s mother serves her spinach. Susie pushes the plate away, saying, “Yuk! Hate spinach! Not eating it!”
    The next night Susie’s mother serves her brussel sprouts. Again Susie pushes the plate away, saying, “Yuk! Hate brussel sprouts. Not eating it!”
    The next night, Susie’s mother serves her broccoli and to her amazement Susie eats up every bit of the broccoli. Susie’s mother is astounded and asks her, “Sweetheart, why did you eat all that broccoli and not the other vegetables I served you?”
    Susie replies, “Cause it tastes like Daddy’s cock!”

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  14. Johnny is showing Susie his new football and Susie asks, “What do you do with it?”
    “I’ll show you,” Johnny says, “You stand over there and I’ll kick it to you!”
    Johnny kicks the ball but it hits Susie in the groin and she falls to the ground crying. Johnny rushes up to her and says, “Are you all right?”
    “I’m hurting,” Susie sobs.
    “Let’s have a look,” Johnny says and Susie lifts up her dress and pulls down her knickers. A shocked Johnny screams, “Oh my God!”
    “What is it?” Susie asks.
    “I’m not playing footy with you again,” Johnny replies, “Cause I knocked your bloody willy off!”

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  15. Q. What do you do after you’ve fucked a beautiful blonde?

    A. You drive her to school.

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  16. Sign outside a Vietnamese restaurant.
    “Dogs not allowed out”.

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  17. Q. Why did the Aborigine avoid the Methodist priest?
    A. He was frightened he would take his spirits away.

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  18. A little girl and her father are out hiking in the woods but soon get lost. They go in all directions, frantically trying to get back into the car, but they have no luck at all.
    Then the girl says to her father, “Daddy, why don’t we go south?” So, they go south and sure enough, they reach the car. The father asks the little girl, “How did you know which way to go?” “Simple, Daddy, I looked at that little arrow between my legs,” the little girl replies.

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  19. A Vietnamese guy brings home a dog and one night, his wife mistakenly leaves the gate open and the dog runs away. The Vietnamese guy screams at his wife, “You lost our dinner!”

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  20. A guy works at a service station and is the best worker they ever had. They only thing is he has a very very small head. The boss works up the nerves and says to him,” I know you are the best worker we have, but why is your head so small”? The guy replies,” I was on spring break one year and tripped over a vase in the sand. Out pops a beautiful genie and she says i will give you one wish, anything you want. The guy say great I would love to screw some genie pussy. She replies im a freak but I cant have sex with humans. Sadden by this he says well can screw your sister. She says, “my sister is a bigger freak than me, but she dont have sex with humans either.” Sad and upset he says, ” well just give me a little head.”

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  21. Q. What has 90 balls and fucks grannies?
    A. Bingo.

    Q. What has coloured balls and fucks little kids?
    A. Marbles.

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  22. I’m at a bar and pickup a drunk chick.
    We go back to my place to fool around.
    As I’m eating her out I feel something in my
    mouth, I stop and pull out a pea. I think nothing
    of it and go back to eating her snatch. A few seconds
    later I feel something else in my mouth, I pull out
    a piece of potato. I think to myself that’s strange
    but go back to eating her out. A minute later
    I feel something else in my mouth, I stop and pull
    out a chunk of meat. I say to the girl, “That’s it! What
    are you sick???” She says “No but the guy before you

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  23. Q: what does the mafia and pussy have in common ?
    A: one slip of the tongue and youre in deep shit

    Q: whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
    A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

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  24. Little Susie lives on a farm and she is in the hen house trying in vain to force a rooster’s head in her mouth. Her mother sees her and says, “Susie, what on earth are you doing?”
    “Daddy said if I was good I could suck his cock!” Susie replies.

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  25. A little girl peeks out from behind a door and shouts to her mother, “Can a six-year-old girl get pregnant?”
    “Of course not!” her mother replied.
    “It’s okay fellas, we can keep playing the game!” the girl shouts back.

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  26. During World War II, three Jewish men are on a train.
    The first man says to the other two, “Before we left, they told me I would be going to Paris.”
    “That’s nothing,” says the second one, “before we left, they told me I was going to Prague.”
    Then the third one says, “Pity I’m not going to either place. I’m seeing this fellow I’ve never met before.”
    “Who are you seeing?” asks the other two.
    “Well, his name is Auschwitz and he specializes in ovens,” the third Jew replies.

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  27. A. Why did Hitler shoot himself?

    B. He saw the gas bill.

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  28. Q. What does a paedophile sing to a child?
    A. Come on-a over my house, I’m gonna give you candy…

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  29. Michael Jackson was the kid in a man’s body and later he became the man inside a kid’s body!

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  30. Why did Hitler shoot Goebbels?

    He found out what “Sieg Heil” meant!

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  31. Idi Amin is visited by a friend of his and the friend asks, “What happened to that girlfriend of yours?” Idi replies, “She died of da clap!” The friend says, “No one can die from getting the clap.” Idi says, “Dey do when they give it to me!”

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  32. A little girl and her mother check into a hotel. After booking, the porter takes their bags up to their room. The porter then extends out his hand. The little girl asks her mother, “Mummy, what is the man doing?” The mother replies, “I think he wants us to give him a tip.” The little girl replies, “We can’t do that! I haven’t got any yet and you give yours to Daddy all the time!”

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  33. Q. Why does the English national football team have sex while lying on their backs?

    A. Because they always fuck up!

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  34. What do you do after you’ve licked a bald vagina?

    You put the nappy back on.

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  35. Justin Bieber ends up in jail and his cellmate is a 7-foot, 300-poind bikie. Fearing the worst, Justin is surprised to learn that he likes playing with dolls. “You want to play mummies and daddies?” says the bikie. “All right,” says Justin, breathing a sigh of relief. “Now, c’mere and suck Mummy’s dick!” the bikie says.

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  36. Q. What do you call a guy who predicts the future and picks his nose at the same time?

    A. Nostril-damus.

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  37. Q. How do you recognise a Dutch lesbian?

    A. When she’s got her finger in the hole of a dyke!

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  38. You remember the movie, “An Elephant Called Slowly”, when Bill Travers is in the bath and an elephant walks in? Well, the elephant was obliged to say, “Geez, that’s a strange looking trunk. Can you pick up peanuts with it?”

    Post a Reply
  39. Q. What has a thousand legs and no pubic hair?

    A. The front row at a One Direction concert.

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  40. Q. What does Julia Child and NASA have in common?

    A. Julia Child teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers.

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  41. The teacher says to the class, “Okay, we’re going to play a game. I’m going to pick a person and that person will do a charade on what he or she did this morning and the class has to guess.”
    So Susie volunteered and she stretched herself. One kid put his hand up, “Stretching in the morning!” which was the correct guess.
    Then Eddie volunteered and he pretended he was eating out of a bowl. Another kid put his hand up. “Having breakfast!” the kid said.
    Then little Johnny volunteered and he went up to the front of the class. Immediately, he thrust his hand up his bum and skipped around.
    No one could guess and finally the teacher asked, “What is that, Johnny?”
    “It’s me wiping my arse this morning!” Johnny replied.

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  42. This is my favorite joke of all time I do not know who wrote it but I’ll tell it good as I can. . .There as a man who suspected his wife was cheating on him but he didn’t have a hole lot of money so he couldn’t buy a camera or a tape recording device to spy on her.As luck would have it one day when he was at a strange mall he ran into this small pet shop. He went in and a nice man the owner of the shop greeted him and helped him to look around. During the tour he told him in conversation about his suspicions about his wife and his delema.As luck would have it the owner said he could help him for free. He said that he had a parrot that was very intelligent and could talk just like a person and that he would be willing to give it to me to borrow for a month. Wow I said that’s so nice of you can I meet him . He said yes but first I have to tell you something about him. I says OK what the owner of the pet shop tells me that he was a rescue and he doesn’t know what happened to him but he lost boh of his legs and has to hang to his perch by his penis. So I had to agree never to mention this around the bird because he was so sensitive about it. I went to the back room and meet the part immediately he said hello I replied hello and the little guy asked me for a cracker I said I don’t have one he said go to the desk rite there there in the top drawer on the left OK I said and gave him a cracker and told him about my wife and how I was allowed to borrow him for help. All he said was that he would be happy to help me if I bought him a couple packs of crackers for his effort. To make a long story short I introduced him to my wife and set his purch in my living room and every day I came home and asked him what had happened there wile I was at work. For the first week He gave me the same answer the milkman came to the door then the mailman came to the door and nothing much else happened in between. Until one day I came home and asked him what happened today and he said the milkman came to the door and I said hen what happened he said your wife let him in . Do you mean he came in the house. Yes said the part and he sat down on that couch he sat on the couch yea the part said and your wife joined him there oh really what happened after that I asked he took off her shirt. What I exclaimed then what happened he took off her bra then what happened he took off her sweatpants furious I asked him what happened after that he took off her panties gasping for air I uttered what happened after that I don’t know said the parot I got a stiffy and fell off my pirch.

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  43. What gets shorter and shorter and redder and redder? A baby combing it’s hair with a potatoe peeler

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    Jesus Was A Lousy Carpenter
    Buddha, You Fat Fuck
    Moses Lost His Way
    Vishnu is an Eight-Armed Freak
    Confucius Got It Wrong

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