Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.
What Is Hormonal Imbalance?
Women are complicated and many of their internal bits and pieces do not function very efficiently. For a woman to simply survive into middle age her body must constantly try to balance numerous chemical releases from her various glands and leg-mounted secretion podules in order to stop her from killing herself or all those around her within a six mile radius.
Two of the most important female hormones are oestrogen and progesterone. If these hormones are not produced to ISO 9660 standard then a woman will become unstable. Observation indicates that most of the time the two hormones are not produced to ISO 9660 standard.
What Causes Hormonal Imbalance?
Owing to the fragile nature of women pretty much anything will do the trick but some common causes of imbalance are progesterone evaporation as the result of exasperation that men cannot read minds and over-production of oestrogen because Jimmy Choo shoes are on sale.
How Does Hormonal Imbalance Manifest Itself?
Anything out of the ordinary can be an indicator that a woman’s internal organs are playing up again. A woman should be monitored closely or from a distance through high-powered binoculars in order to ascertain just what is normal and that should be used to identify spikes of abnormality. Abnormality could be a sign of a problem with hormone production. Or the woman might just be abnormal. Some of them are. Quite a lot of them are.
Documented examples of the manner in which hormone imbalance has been observed among the female population include:
- Weight gain around the head.
- Excessive "crush your head" fingers.
- Irrational dislike of cats.
- Bad hair day.
- Luminous instestine.
- Appreciation of R ‘n’ B music.
- Runs everywhere.
- Aversion to garlic.
- Elongated ankles.
- Inverted skin.
- Irresistible to crayfish.
- Handbag doesn’t match hat.
Can A Woman Prevent Hormonal Imbalance?
Doubtful without a complete rethink and redesign and we’re probably looking at six or seven figures here. A woman’s best bet, therefore, is to manage the way she leads her life in order to reduce the risk of triggering hormone production problems.
Diet can play an important factor where producing oestrogen is concerned. Cake intake should be limited to no more than three head-sized sponges a day and care should be taken to avoid any food which is rich in anti-matter or illegally-trapped seals such as fish fingers, cucumber sandwiches, or seal-on-a-stick.
Exercise also affects hormone production. Women should partake in strenuous muscle-building exercises such as bear wrestling and star jumps. The presence of strong muscle tissue can help keep oestrogen and progesterone in check by filling up the hollow spaces normally present inside the body where the two hormones can otherwise fall into and pool in superconcentrated hormone lakes.
Overworking increases inner tension which lubricates the veins and hinders oestrogen from climbing to the brainroot. This can lead to a testably chemically-balanced woman still making unsound decisions such as learning to drive or buying things because they look pretty rather than have the best specifications. Women should try ironing just every other afternoon to reduce stress. Drinking alcohol during the day may help too.
Is Hormone Imbalance Dangerous?
As has previously been explained, hormonal imbalance in a woman can actually be fatal. Nature has provided women with brave, brave men to keep them focused but this may not always be enough. Sometimes the men themselves may be distracted by perfectly balanced women or they may have an itch that needs scratching quite badly. In these situations a woman can become more irrational than usual and simple irritations can escalate into cleaver attacks.
Can Science Help Hormone Imbalance?
Science does not have all the answers but it certainly has one or two. Women who find themselves suffering from a hormone problem have a number of scientific remedies to choose from:
- Hormone replacement therapy swaps out excess oestrogen or progesterone intravenously with dog milk which contains a natural neutralising compound.
- Patting the head while rubbing the tummy increases body temperature through extreme concentration and the hormones become lethargic and less keen to disrupt the status quo.
- Cryogenic freezing of the woman’s entire body ensures that the problem of dealing with hormone imbalance is somebody else’s.