If you ever take a look at the pictures of a pornographic magazine from the 1970s – and if I know you half as well as I think I do then I know you do – then you’ll no doubt have been blown away by the awesome pre-sex fashions and sex-location styling on display. Let’s take a quick look at some truly amazing displays from the golden age of porno publications.
It’s a party – you can tell from that one decoration on the wall – in a time when it was perfectly okay to expose your fellow diners to cigarette smoke, with a mix of casual and smart casual wear on display, and the two stand out things for me are the gentleman’s shirt in the second photo (he’s clearly taken off his jacket sometime between the first and second ones, a sure indication things are warming up) and the candles. Look how thin they are! Who uses those candles these days? Aren’t you supposed to use those candles to light other candles? Oh well. And I’m not even going to guess what he’s trying to do in that second picture either. Some things just don’t have a modern equivalence.
One man and three women has to mean sexy sex is mere moments away but cast that thought aside for one moment and let your eyes gaze lovingly on the half-height wood paneling. Heavenly. And yet even that beauty of 1970s design is overshadowed by our male protagonist’s suit. When you combine a suit of that colour and that apparent fabric with sideburns of that majesty you know you’re looking at a sex god in human form. Notice too that all the women are sporting bold necklaces. In the 1970s that was a sure sign that women were up for a little bit of how’s your father. Or that they really liked necklaces. One of those two.
“Oh, Marjorie, Marjorie, Marjorie!” laughed the blonde as she perused the photo album of a recent trip to Amsterdam on her friend’s lap. “See, now I love your green dress – I really do – but it’s just a little plain for this era. You need to find yourself something with a little more daring; a little more wow!; a little more horrific clashing of patterns with each and every thing around you. Something like I’ve got on. Hey! Is that Ted’s arse in the corner by the canal? Great necklace, by the way! Fancy a bit of how’s your father?”
It’s the same setting and the same brunette (admittedly sporting something a little more suitable for the period; I’m so glad she listened to her friend) but now we’ve got a moustachioed man sporting a shirt with a huge collar so that’s raised the bar substantially. Throw in some dirty, filthy smoking and another female friend who’s borrowed a hairstyle off an Afghan hound just for the occasion and you’ve got yourself an immediate precursor to some orgiastic ecstacy. And let’s not overlook those candles: there’s some funky melted wax going on there but pay attention to the colour too; not only does it match the top worn by the blonde it also fits in nicely with the decor. The 1970s was the brown and yellow decade, after all. And don’t fool yourself into thinking those are lemon-scented or custard-scented either. They’re just candles. And they’re just that colour because that’s the sort of crazy thing they did back then.
Love that fruit bowl! Anyway… I know what you’re thinking: is that the same set again? It certainly is. It seems that if you want sex with different people time-after-time then decorating a room in this way will attract them like bees to a flower with its legs wide open. You’ll notice that alcohol seems prevalent in these photos too. Well, I noticed it anyway. Okay, so we’ve got a bit of cross dressing going on here and just look at the brunette’s choice of suit. Even blindfolded you know if you were right there you could reach across and feel how brown it was just from the coarseness. Almost as impressive as that suit, though, are his glasses. Gorgeously thick! Do they have x-ray capabilities able to penetrate rough brown suits from up to five feet away? Quite probably.
Three women and no men this time, and we’ve changed location at last but we’re still maintaining a great sense of style with wonderfully patterned wallpaper that can only aid any hangover in ways people of modern times have forgotten. Probably. Alcohol present again, naturally, and there’s also what might be fruit in view. Or it could be some weird 1970s table decoration art. Or sex toy. Not immediately obvious and probably not worth dwelling on. The fashions aren’t too out there – which is a bit of a shame really – but the hairstyles more than make for that. Who likes ridiculously straight fringes across the forehead? Everyone! Everyone likes ridiculously straight fringes across the forehead!
For the final set of 1970s porno style pictures let’s quickly run through the staples: alcohol (yay!), smoking (boo!), long-haired men, fringetastic-haired women, a spider plant (the plant invented in the 1970s in a secret laboratory in Europe), and collars that double as hang gliders in emergencies. That almost seems like enough but there’s one thing you might not have spotted at all in these shots. Have you seen it? Well, I’ll tell you then: it’s only the best damn wallpaper ever vomited up onto a wall, that’s what! It’s a pattern that just screams “nothing you ever put on or near these walls will ever go with it and that’s a promise!” Style these days just can’t compete with that sort of determination.
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