Ke$ha’s Haunted Vagina
Who is Ke$ha? It’s a question I recently had to ask myself. I’d heard the name. I’d even been aware that there was a dollar sign in the name somehow. I suspected she might be a star of music since that’s an area I’ve stopped being interested in once I passed the threshold into grumpy middle-agedness. Wikipedia confirms that this is indeed the case. That she’s a music star. Not that I’ve passed the threshold into grumpy middle-agedness. I don’t need Wikipedia for that. So, the reason I was wondering who she happened to be was because of some fleeting piece of news I overheard: Kesha thinks her vagina is haunted. At first I dismissed it as a joke, possibly originating from Frankie Boyle. However… No, she really does think her vagina is haunted. Because her hypnotherapist told her so. And her ghost meter confirmed the statement by beeping in the vicinity of her nether regions. Ghost meter? Like this one? So does this really mean that Kesha (or Ke$ha) has a vagina haunted by a supernatural lover? I’ll be honest here: I’m a smidge sceptical. The top-rated review of the ghost meter states: That’s “works perfect for locating electrical wiring in walls and high readings from outlets. a great tool to have. thank you”. And, of course, the ghost meter is actually marketed as the Ghost Meter EMF Sensor. Electromagnetic fields. The sort of things present everywhere on the planet. Unlike ghosts which, you know, don’t exist. The manufacturer goes on to say: The Ghost Meter has been calibrated to ignore the extremely subtle EMF emissions surrounding the human body, yet is still sensitive enough to detect the small, distinct, erratic EMF energy fluctuations frequently found at reputed haunted locations. The Ghost Meter provides three corroborating indicators of EMF emission strength. So what does this really mean as far as the ghostly goings-on around Kesha’s vagina are concerned? Is it possible that she’s being haunted? Unlikely. More probable explanations include a faulty connection in the electrical outlet behind her clitoris or emanations from the vaginal probe inserted by the aliens running Area 51. Sorry. Some more bad news for Kesha, too: Please note: this product is intended to measure electric fields, and does not detect nuclear radiation. Looks like she’s going to want to spend some of those dollar symbols in her name on a Geiger counter too, just to be on the safe side. In case there’s a Godzilla about to emerge from between her legs. Or her pubes get super...
Fashion Faves – Samantha Gradoville
A second look at Samantha Gradoville for these occasional fashion favourite posts, this time in a shoot by Andrew Yee for How To Spend It magazine, via Fashion Gone Rogue. Now, I like retro styling but it’s typically late 60s and early 70s fashion that appeals to me most. The 50s, though, does have some appeal and it’s the 50s that features in this set. This is an interesting shot in that it brings in an element of fantasy; I can clearly see Samantha as a fairy here with the large, bug eyes, the wild, pastel hair, and the textured bag positioned as if a wing. Not that I’ve ever seen a fairy with large, bug eyes, wild, pastel hair, and a textured bag. Or a fairy at all for that matter. Pixies, yes. But no fairies. Fairies don’t exist, silly. This one’s a very stylish photo that also incorporates a little bit of little-known 1950s history. During the 1952 Tour de France there was an embarrassing incident involving a local French girl joining – and beating – the leading pack in a sprint section on nothing more special than a cheap pushbike. This wasn’t a particularly enlightened period and there wasn’t the immediate access to news that we now take for granted so the unnamed girl who’d bested the world’s elite was effectively scrubbed from all records by a complicit sexist media. Later analysis of the girl’s hairstyle would lead to massive advancements in streamlined cycle helmet designs. For the final selected shot of Samantha Gradoville I’ve picked the one featuring Andrew Yee’s signature shot: the cheeky fart. A word of advice for models about to work with Andrew: acting a cheeky fart is not enough; he demands the real thing. Luckily, he usually works in well-ventilated...
The Uncensored Bible Strikes Back
People often come to this site looking for uncensored passages and chapters from the bible. It’s true. And there’s a reason for that: it’s only here that you’ll find extracts from the one bible that rules them all. Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible is the only bible not to have been rewritten by scholars and whatever religious faction was constructing a Christian history that most closely fit with their present-day goals at the time. The exact reason for this may never be known for certain but some people (maybe just me) have indicated it could be some form of divine protection; evidence – if you will – for an increasingly sceptical world that there is some incredible entity that encompasses all of creation, that caused us to come into being with the power of thought alone, and which sought to end suffering in the world inhabited by His children by overseeing the contradictory compilation of the history of a small and violent region of the world that hadn’t embraced writing yet along with differing accounts of the life of one man by people who didn’t know him, all the while ignoring anything happening anywhere else on the planet safe in the knowledge that the Truth would spread quickly and bring stability and lasting peace to everyone. That God: what a guy! But you didn’t come here for a history lesson about the bible. You came here because you want to cast your eyes over more parts of the bible other bibles dare not print. You won’t find these verses in the King James version of the bible. There’s nothing like this sort of information in the Douay-Rheims 1899 American edition of the bible. Young’s Literal Translation hasn’t translated anything you’ll find in these uncensored parts of the bible. New International Version? New? People want the old bible, thank you very much! So, without further obvious padding, on with some more select parts of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible. "And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, a Man stood opposite him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, ‘That’s not a sword. This is a sword.’ But the Man had not seen Crocodile Dundee and didn’t get the reference." Joshua 5:13 "Now the Angel of the Lord came and sat under the terebinth tree which was in Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon threshed wheat in the winepress, in order to hide it from the Midianites. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and...
Rob Schneider Or Roy Scheider?
Do you ever find yourself wondering whether it’s Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? I know I do. And that’s why I’ve compiled a helpful guide to whether it’s Rob or Roy. But not Rob Roy. That would be stupid. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who needs a bigger boat? That’s Roy Scheider! Roy is a product of the American capitalist system. He will always need a bigger boat thanks to media conditioning. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who “thinks” there’s a link between vaccines and autism? That’s Rob Schneider! Rob has studied the effects of vaccines on children for several decades, receiving a number of degrees and doctorates along the way. Many of Rob Schneider’s studies and double blind trials have been submitted for peer review and published earning him international plaudits among the scientific community. Despite all this he still thinks there’s a link between vaccines and autism because a friend of someone’s sister who knows someone he once shared a coffee with said that someone she knows thought she heard that a doctor might have said that someone else’s child was on the autistic spectrum and that child had recently not died because it had been vaccinated against smallpox. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who got to snuggle up with a Russian cosmonaut as they performed an aerocapture manoeuvre in Jupiter’s atmosphere? That’s Roy Scheider! Lucky, lucky bastard. Obviously, it wasn’t just Roy and a Russian who got to perform the aerocapture; they simply don’t have the heat shielding for that sort of thing. The pair of them were aboard the Alexei Leonov in the 1984 movie 2010. Having read 2001, 2010, 2061, and 3001 I can only be thankful that thus far neither of the last two have been turned into movies. Good grief, that last one especially was tripe. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who starred in that movie you like but which comic book snobs seem to hate for some reason? That’s Rob Schneider! I know! Rob Schneider appearing in a film I like! What are the odds of that? The film in question is Judge Dredd and whenever I’ve asked people what they think of the film they’ve almost universally hated it. “I didn’t like Stallone.” “It wasn’t very true to the comic book.” “Someone in front of me kept getting up to use the toilet.” Whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan, moan. You’re all wrong. It was a fun movie from the eighties that captured a lot of elements from a lot of different storylines from the...
The Media Beast
I went down to the zoo today. There were many people there. I think a lot of people visit the zoo every day. I stopped by the media beast enclosure. I was not alone. There was quite a crowd. The media beast is a strange beast. It is large and powerful. Its eyes are soulless, dark and flat. I studied the media beast. Other people watched it and wandered off. They looked at me and shrugged. The media beast chewed on news bushes. Sometimes it chewed and swallowed. Sometimes it chewed and chewed and chewed. I saw a news bush sprouting from the earth. It was intricate, interesting, so different. The media beast trampled it flat. They let some more media beasts into the enclosure. They were smaller media beasts. They gathered around the larger one. The large media beast regurgitated a news bush. The smaller beasts fought among themselves to eat it. They ignored a fresh news bush growing in the corner. The zookeeper walked past me. I told him what I’d seen. He asked if I would be back again tomorrow. No, I don’t think...
Recent From Retro
-
The Women Of Kilobaud Computing Sep 26, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent From Entertainment
-
Dance Music Triple Nov 19, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent Comments