Dear Male Colleagues

Posted By Mark on Jun 17, 2013

An email I drafted this morning but decided not to send because I didn’t want to be that guy. Even though I am that guy. Dear male colleagues, I’m shocked that I have to explain to adults how toilets should be used, but here goes: When peeing (in the urinal or the cubicle (or the sink, but if you ever do this then I’m going to start arming myself with a machete, just so you know)), stand in front of the bowl with the seat up (if applicable), face it, and pee into it. Some people appear to be mixing up some of these steps or skipping them entirely. I don’t appreciate tip-toeing into the cubicle hunting for the dry spots on the ground on which to stand. To whomever was responsible just now for the lake to the left of the bowl and – far more worryingly – the large puddle by the cubicle door: how can you not notice what you’re doing? How is it even possible to get a puddle by the door? Is there some sort of inter-office game of urine squash taking place and this was the result of a practice shot off the back wall? Why was I not informed about this game in a company email? If it was through a fear that I might have coated the back wall with copper sheeting and wired it up to the mains then you’re damn right I would have. Any sane person would. I suspect this isn’t the case; I suspect something far more mysterious is responsible: the mystery of how a grown man cannot aim his penis at a hole nearly two feet in diameter. We’re in the nerdiest of industries; would it help to imagine you’re Luke Skywalker and Han Solo has just told you you’re all clear kid so you can blow this thing and go home? More seriously, one of our clients provides spectacles and contact lenses to the general public; may I recommend an eye test? If none of this is palatable then the only course of action is to purchase some adult nappies. You become more productive, we keep the soles of our shoes dry; everyone’s a winner. This brings me to the second point: I would have fought the gag reflex and grudgingly – exceedingly grudgingly – cleared up the miniature recreations of the Great Lakes I discovered in the nearest cubicle this morning myself were it not for the lack of toilet roll both in the dispenser or in the cupboard outside the toilets where we store the spare rolls. Oh, you didn’t know there were...

ZX81 Mail Order Games

Posted By Mark on Jun 16, 2013

I didn’t get my first computer until 1983 – a second-hand Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48K from a family friend who was “upgrading” to an Acorn Electron (the fool! He later bought an Archimedes as I recall too!) – so missed out on what almost appears to be the Raspberry Pi of the early eighties, the ZX81. I’m currently enjoying going through a lot of old computer magazines from the period (this is not a midlife crisis) which is why you’re seeing a surge in posting (one or two a week! Slow down man!) and a similar theme amongst the posts too. It’s also why I created the new Retro category for the site. I want to capture for posterity some of the adverts for ZX81 games I’ve been seeing a lot of recently and, in particular, I want to focus on mail order games for this post. The early eighties appears to have been a great time to be a hobbyist programmer with a pile of blank cassettes just ready to record the latest masterpiece in 1-16K of memory onto. I remember a similar surge in amateur coders creating and publishing on the cheap with the Amiga in the early nineties too. These days? Well, apps from a phone’s app store just doesn’t really have the same feel. But then I’m old. The first advert I’m going to highlight is for two reasons: firstly, the content, which should be blindingly obvious. Secondly, the company: Automata Ltd. Because they were based in Portsmouth. I’m from Portsmouth in case that reasoning seems a little odd. The content: three cassettes described as being “adult games for jaded minds” containing 8-10 games on each. Can of Worms for the over 16s includes Acne, Vasectomy, Smut, Hitler, Dole, Royal Flush, Reagan, and Ps ‘n’ Qs. Hitler and Smut on the same tape? Surely not! Love and Death is one for over 18s and includes Seduction, Conception, Birth, Rubic’s Pube, On The Job, Pox, Dr Death, and God. There’s something almost “Meaning of Life”-esque about these titles. The Bible is for over 16s too and includes Genesis, Adam & Eve, Noah, Plagues, Exodus, Holy Moses, Sodom, Goliath, Jonah, and Bethlehem. I suppose a game based on the book of Numbers was probably saved for a cassette called Unending Tedium. Are Automata still in Portsmouth at the same address? No, they’re not. These days it’s an estate agent’s and a slimming clinic. That’s a shame; I feel it deserves a museum. I did own one Automata game for the Spectrum: Pimania. My memory of it is that it was incredibly weird and written in BASIC so...

Embrace

Posted By Mark on Jun 15, 2013

This happens a lot. This happens more times than you might imagine. "Excuse me, miss?" is how it starts. Or mister, sometimes. But not this time. "Yes?" She's hooked. There's something about him that she finds intoxicating. I don't know if it's his eyes. They all have these intense eyes. Or it might be his lips. I've seen people stare at them before. I've even heard it might just be some sort of pheromone. I don't know about that. All I do know is that I'm immune to it which is why I'm here. And I know she's a goner. "Can you form a teapot?" How many times have I heard this now? I've lost count. It just sounds so innocent. Of course she can form a teapot. Everyone can form a teapot. We're all taught it at school but have you ever thought why? Who even uses a teapot any longer? And this knowledge, this pointless knowledge will be the death of her. "Sure," she says, hesitantly, and then with more conviction, "here's the handle." She places her hand on her hip. The two of them are close now and it's difficult to tell who's moved towards whom. "And here's the spout." She's lost to the world now. As she's admiring the crook in her arm and her twisted hand he's leant in, dislocated his jaw, extended his teeth, and clasped her to him. Frozen shock, stifled pain, a shudder, a stiffening, and then it's all over. So much horror. There's a taste of hot metal on your tongue. You never get used to the tangibility of the blood in the air. I really don't know why I agreed to spend a year documenting Chichester's street vampires. Google+: View post on...

Aerodynamics

Posted By Mark on Jun 11, 2013

Halls Of The Things

Posted By Mark on Jun 9, 2013

I remember with some fondness seeing this advert for Halls of the Things on the Sinclair ZX Spectrum in the eighties. It looked like the sort of game I’d enjoy; fantasy with a hint of science fiction. And crouching! Oh, how I loved to crouch in the eighties! And being t-shirtless! It was the warm decade where secondhand cocaine abuse by stock market traders heated us all into a frenzy of toplessness. A sword! We were all armed to the teeth back then. Duran Duran might appear at any moment and only cutting off their heads could stop them. Orange stars and white sparkles! Another side effect of nearly toxic levels of cocaine in the atmosphere. What a period! Yet for some reason I never bought the game and I don’t know why. Fast forward a couple of years (okay, a few decades if we’re getting picky) and I’m now rich enough and powerful enough (and deluded enough to think I’m rich enough and powerful enough) to be able to play this game whenever I want. I’ll be honest: I was...