The Barber Shop Window

Posted By Mark on Apr 25, 2013

"And what can I do for you today, sir?" "Just a little off the back and sides, and thin it out a bit, please." "Certainly." snip… snip… "Lovely weather we're having." "Mmmm, yes." snip… snip… "Going on holiday this year?" "No, probably not." "Understandable. The economy's still in a bit of a mess, isn't it?" "You said it." snip… snip… "Okay then, that looks about right to me… any gel or wax on it?" "Er, yes. Gel please." "Gel it is." "Ooh! That's cold!" "Well, the testicles are very sensitive, sir." "You're telling me. Well, thank you anyway. Lovely view out of this window." "Many people say so. Would you mind giving me a hand up from the floor? I'm not as young as I used to be." Google+: View post on...

Lucky Heather

Posted By Mark on Apr 25, 2013

“Lucky heather?” The voice cuts through the general white noise of mumbled conversations, shop music spillage, and distant street-busking and traffic, slowing my determined lunchtime strolling through the precinct. I glance at the area in which the voice originated; it’s a woman, older than me, shorter than me, and holding more plantlife than me in an outstretched hand. And she’s started to smile, I’m guessing because I’ve paid her some attention. “Lucky heather?” she says again, edging towards me and forcing a couple of other pedestrians to swerve out of her way swiftly and with a barely-concealed look in my direction that says sucker from every angle. I lean towards her and then peer down at the sprig of flora gripped tightly in her small hand. The non-green bits are a pale mauve sort of colour but my knowledge of anything to do with nature is so poor that I can’t be certain that this isn’t dandelions with a lick of paint. Or even just dandelions. Maybe you can get mauve dandelions. I’m trying to clarify just how little I know about the subject. “What is it,” I say slowly, “about this heather that gives it a probabilistic advantage over other heather?” “Lucky heather!” she says with a wink. “Two quid.” “Uh huh,” I continue. “I’m just wondering if you have any peer-reviewed analyses of double-blind trials conducted on the luckiness of this type of heather.” “What?” “Have the findings of any research performed on heather variants to determine whether some have a correlation with statistically relevant improved luck appeared in a peer-reviewed publication?” The happy look has most definitely been replaced by one filled with irritation and confusion and it seems to suit her round face better. I begin to feel sorry for her and consider parting with two whole English pounds, justifying the transaction in my head as being one that might permit me to run a few scientific experiments on the mauve flowers later when I feel a tap on my shoulder. “Fortuitous dock leaf?” asks the scruffy, scrawny, bearded man behind me. He waves a rather sad-looking bit of greenery at me. I take a quick, deep breath in preparation to ask him a pertinent question but the newcomer lifts up a glossy magazine. “19% more fortuitous than other leaves in clinical trials in Canada according to Leaf Science Quarterly,” he adds. I’ve heard of Leaf Science Quarterly and know it’s got a good reputation in the field of scientific leaf analysis. Moments later I’ve exchanged two pounds for a dock leaf almost overflowing with fortune but that still leaves the forlorn-looking woman and her...

Protection

Posted By Mark on Apr 16, 2013

Ask Me A Question

Posted By Mark on Apr 16, 2013

As the sign says: ask me a question. I might even answer. And the answer might contain some elements of truth. But I wouldn't necessarily count on it. Google+: View post on...

Star Trek And Mrs Thatcher

Posted By Mark on Apr 14, 2013

Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher died this week and the world went a little crazy. It’s been a week that’s seen British people partying in the streets because an old woman died of a stroke. It’s been a week that’s seen people who assert that they are rational, skeptical people liken Margaret Thatcher to Robert Mugabe. It’s been a week that’s tested my ability to hold my tongue and walk away in order to keep some semblance of peace and friendship with those who engage in and support the most vile of human actions. And anyone who knows me knows how difficult that has been. Too difficult. I need to vent a smidge. Fortunately, I have my own website for just this purpose. Almost universally, I would say that my friends and peers would describe themselves politically as left wing. I imagine that if any of them had considered it, based on arguments or discussions we’ve had in the past, they might think that I’m right wing. But they’re wrong. This belief that I am right wing might have been reinforced from the way I immediately started attacking those who celebrated the death of Mrs Thatcher. And it’s still wrong. And even though I voted Conservative in the last election it’s still wrong to think I’m right wing. I vote for the best candidate to fix the mess the last one made or to limit future damage; in recent years I’ve voted Labour and Liberal Democrats for the same reasons. Anyone who votes for the same party time after time without realising that the party’s politics are changing time after time is a complete moron. I do believe in very liberal attitudes where it comes to society. And I do think that everyone deserves the chance to be what they want to be and get what they need. It all sounds very socialist; it all sounds left wing. And it is. I want the Star Trek future of peace and no wants. But I realise we’re living in the wrong time for it. The best we can do is push the species forward towards that goal and hope to catch some of it before our molecules break apart and move into new homes. And to do that we need to prosper and innovate and improve the standards of life, lifting everything and everyone up around us. Keep at it and eventually we’ll get over that tipping point where everyone wins. So, how does this differ from those people who sentimentally hold to the fiction that Margaret Thatcher single-handedly destroyed their lives three decades ago or some other such nonsense?...