DC Superheroes

Posted By Mark on Feb 20, 2013

Not to be confused with superheroes from American publications, the District of Chichester has its own motley collection of do-gooders battling the scourge of the south coast on a daily basis, and yesterday was try out day. Most attendees didn't make the cut, of course, but the session did end well for a successful trio so I'd like to introduce the world to – and warn any potential supervillains about – Chichester's newest defenders of truth, liberty, and the West Sussex way of life: Cumulus – With a cloud on his head and the ability to control water vapour, Cumulus is the man you need when a kettle is in danger of boiling over. Or if you're locked in a sauna. Boa Constrictor – Scaly skin (the result of a refusal to help prop up the cosmetics industry and buy moisturiser) and unblinking eyes (maybe; difficult to tell really inside that ridiculous outfit) but it's this mystery person's swaying dance with a feather boa that will dazzle and confuse (usually sexually) the criminal underclass. Gypsy Rose Vee – The V stands for vengeance and her weapons of choice are knockout-perfumed roses. The "gypsy" part comes from her Romany heritage and also explains why she's currently the target of a hate campaign from the Daily Mail. #MonochromeWorld #StreetPhotography   Google+: View post on...

Knitting

Posted By Mark on Feb 16, 2013

No Valentine

Posted By Mark on Feb 14, 2013

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle, I really am. I… I just can't do this anymore." "On Valentine's day? Please tell me this is a horrible joke Michael!" "I can't. I wish I could but…" "Is it me? Is it me being pushy?" "It's not that, no." "Just because I'm wearing a wedding dress… it's a joke, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't have to be like this!" "I said it's not that. Can't we just leave it at that? Part ways as, well, maybe not friends, but just, you know, part?" "Is it because I'm a mannequin? You said it didn't matter!" "It doesn't! And it's not that. I told you I had a crush on Kim Cattrall in the movie Mannequin. You were – you are my Kim Cattrall." "Well then, what? You owe me that! Is it because I don't have a head?" "No! I… okay… the head thing is… yes! I'm sorry! I really, really tried to overlook it but…" "I thought you were better than that Michael. I thought that looks – or, in my case, a distinct lack of them – weren't important to you." "They aren't! I swear!" "You're not making any sense! Why are you doing this to me?" "I'm so, so sorry Gabrielle. I'm so sorry. It's your… voice! It comes from, well, between your legs!" "Where else is it supposed to come from? I've got no head! No. Head. Remember?" "I remember Gaby. I just… I have to go now. I can't do this." "Go! You've broken my heart Michael! I've still got one of those! Go on, go! And you remember this: I overlooked your constant hopping! So go! Hop away you hopping freak!" Google+: View post on...

Warm Inside

Posted By Mark on Feb 11, 2013

Condensation-formingly warm inside. Outside – which is where I was as you can possibly tell – it was colder than a witch's tit. My gloves: they do nothing to keep the feeling in the tips of my fingers! Google+: View post on...

Lemon Popsicle

Posted By Mark on Feb 10, 2013

In the first days of VHS in our family – we’re talking about the early 1980s – there weren’t very many outlets from which a person could pop along and rent a video for the evening. Filling that particular hole around our area (if you’ll excuse the expression) was a man and his suitcase. I couldn’t tell you what the man’s name was nor could I tell you how it was that he became known to my parents; all I can say is that he would turn up every seven days with his suitcase of videos and as a family we would pore over the titles and select a handful of these marvellous things to hire for the week. I don’t remember many of the films we rented in this way either but one film – or, actually, a series of films – did stick in my memory. Lemon Popsicle was released in 1978; the sequels that I remember were Going Steady and Hot Bubblegum, although it turns out there were many, many more. Even though I knew it was a foreign film back then it’s only now that I’ve researched the series of movies that it turns out these were Hebrew; moreover, this film has something of a cult status, apparently. My memory of the films was that they were 1950s America-based but it transpires they were actually based in Israel. So, what’s the plot? The main protagonist of Lemon Popsicle is called Benji (played by Yftach Katzur); he spends most of the film looking a little broody or moody or baffled or frustrated like this: Or this: Or this: As a typical 1950s-era movie teen Benji, along with his two friends Bobby (the handsome one) and Hughie (the chubby one), is interested in having sex. Unlike his two friends, however, Benji has his eyes set on one particular girl: Niki. His friends are less discerning and none of them are experienced which means that the film progresses through two sexual adventures – one with an immigrant woman who has no qualms about playing around while her sailor boyfriend is at sea; the second with a prostitute – in order that the boys can gain some sexy sex knowledge. Unfortunately for Benji, his handsome friend and the object of his affections also get together, and things get even more serious when she falls pregnant and Bobby isn’t interested in helping out. Benji – our nice hero – comes to her rescue and sells some things to pay for an abortion for Niki. She’s happy, he’s happy, everyone’s happy. Not so fast! The film ends with a party and...