American Hotels And Motels

Posted By Mark on Sep 9, 2012

I’ve shared some of the fantastic postcards of Jordan Smith before – American Motels – and the urge came over me to do so again. No, I don’t know why but that’s all the explanation you’re getting for what you’re about to read. It’s the Alvyn Hotel describing itself as the friendliest lobby in town. Certainly, if wood gives you wood then you’ll be smiling too but even if you’re not some sexual deviant turned on by the smell of pine there’s a lot to recommend at the Alvyn Hotel; for starters: they have a rocking chair! And if you’re the sort of person that likes to listen to the TV but not watch it then where else are you going to find a chair conveniently located with its back to a supporting pillar facing away from the set in the room? Nowhere but the Alvyn Hotel, that’s where! This is the William Hilton Inn, Hilton Head, South Carolina and if you’re a fan of hotels with no troublemakers in them then this is the place for you as every guest is subject to police background checks and an interrogation by two federal agents before their bags are checked in. Since this policy was put in place the murder rate of guests at the William Hilton Inn has fallen to a record low. If you’ve ever wondered what it must be like to be behind the counter in the lobby of the Weatherford Hotel in Flagstaff, Arizona then this postcard should give you all the help you need. Should you pick up your book on the counter top? But what if someone comes in? Would they think you’re smart because you’re reading or would they be offended that you’re not staring at the doors waiting for them? Who can know the minds of people who would stay in this hotel? And what’s your favourite chair? Is it the blue one that you found down the street? Why would someone throw out a good chair like that? It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t match anything else! It doesn’t! Or do you like the chair with the head on it? That has got to be a good talking point to guests, hasn’t it? What else could you talk about? The weather? It’s Arizona! It’s hot! Why is there a head on a chair? Maybe you’ll pick your book up. Maybe you won’t think about the head on the chair any more. This is the Tropics Motor Hotel, Seattle, Washington and you’ll want to stay here; it’s got a kidney bean-shaped pool. Oh, other motels have kidney bean-shaped pools? Well, this kidney...

Paralympics

Posted By Mark on Sep 6, 2012

Curse Of The Weretroll

Posted By Mark on Sep 5, 2012

Ever since I had unprotected sex with a lady troll in my youth I've been afflicted by occasional bouts of trollism that come upon me suddenly when the sun is out and the humidity is high. A transformation takes place turning my body into that of a below-bridge-dweller. Fortunately, I already have the build of a below-bridge-dweller so ripped clothes are a rarity and one irritating post-transformation expenditure is ruled out. But what's it like being a weretroll? I hear you ask (super-sensitive hearing is one of the bonus side-effects). Well, bridges become suddenly fascinating; it's partly the shade, partly the sudden appreciation for the wonders of concrete, and partly the great acoustics that accompany singing of which there is a lot. Luckily, it's below the audible register of humans or Simon Cowell would be bothering our kind all the time. The colour receptors in the eyes deactivate during periods of being a troll but eyesight is augmented with a chemical texture awareness; it's difficult to explain, you'd really need to be a weretroll to understand it, and I'm afraid I don't know your sexual history well enough to sleep with you. And I don't want to know either. Finally, you do get an unquenchable craving for cyclists. It might be a lycra thing or maybe just the tickling sensation of the spokes at the back of the throat. Yum. Strangely, though, when I'm back in human form I don't like cyclists at all. Google+: View post on...

Scary TV Themes

Posted By Mark on Sep 2, 2012

Everyone likes list posts! Everyone! And everyone likes videos! Everyone! And everyone likes coming up with a simple way to update the site without putting massive effort into it! Me! So… some television themes that I find scary, eerie, unsettling, or any of the other words that Mr Roget saw fit to lump together in his best-selling novel. This isn’t to say that these particular bits of intro (or outro (is that even a word?)) music belong to programmes that are actually scary, but rather that they send a little tingle up my spine. Perhaps it’s the mix of deep bass and high-pitched notes, or perhaps it’s because it stirs a memory of childhood when everything was so much more terrifying than it is today. Except spiders. Those things have got worse as I’ve got older. It’s all the radiation from the satellites, I’m sure (*). I’ve dithered. I do that. Let’s take a look at what makes me uneasy. (*) Note to future historians of the early intarwebs: it’s probably not the radiation from the satellites at all; more likely it’s the radiation from the fusion-powered drones that patrol the skies monitoring us. The Tomorrow People Not a terrifying theme exactly – especially now that I’ve listened to it again – but the programme itself was not the most warm and cuddly. But then again, it was a kids’ programme from the seventies shown on ITV; they were all pretty much horrific for some reason. This show featured children developing weird powers and, well, I’m not really sure what else. The thing about British families in the seventies was that you tended to be either a BBC child or an ITV child when it came to watching TV after school. I was the former. Occasionally you’d switch to the other side but then you’d just end up watching a bit of a frightening science fiction show and you’d have to return to the safe embrace of Blue Peter and John Craven’s Newsround. The Box Of Delights Now this was a BBC programme and it still gives me a small sense of dread hearing it now. This one ticks all the right boxes starting with the title imagery: scary doll face, tramp, priest, wolf, that Victorian gothic/creeping terror. And the music too: high notes (on a harpsichord perhaps?) against a slow, violin backdrop leading into a Christmas tune that brings with it the sudden feeling of the cold and early, dark evenings. Shiver time! The Tripods Another BBC programme and a short and sweet intro that has decided to hold the sweet and then slide it into the bin...

Broom

Posted By Mark on Sep 1, 2012

"The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact location of the Emperor's new battle station. We also know that the weapon systems of this Death Star are not yet operational. With the Imperial Fleet spread throughout the galaxy in a vain effort to engage us, it is relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that the Emperor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of this Death Star. On another note there are a lot of leaves in this briefing room – somehow – so we'll be having a bit of a sweep up afterwards; any help gratefully accepted. Captain Solo, I'm looking in your direction. Where was I? Oh, yes. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. And quite a few hedgehogs were sacrificed in the manufacture of this fine broom. Admiral Ackbar: nice to see you back from your paranoia counselling course. Over to you." Google+: View post on...