Pulp Fiction Artwork: The Allure Of Armpits
Take a look at any collection of pulp fiction novel covers and you’ll spot patterns. Understandable, of course; cheap, derivative stories only need cheap, derivative art, quite often bearing little if any connection to the contents of the pages within. Scantily-dressed women feature a lot, naturally, but you’ll also spot other trends too: the smoking gun pictures, the bound-and-gagged women pictures, the ravishing redheads, the sultry brunettes, the innocent-looking blondes. And armpit pictures. Yes, nothing sells a pulp fiction novel better than gratuitous armpittery. I imagine. Just what is the allure of armpits? The following cover images come via https://www.flickr.com/photos/56781833@N06/ but probably don’t really help to explain just why the imagery is so prevalent in the genre. The Emerald Bikini A story of a man’s escape from the drab routine of married life through a girl whom he possessed completely, and whose wanton sex appeal turned a southern town into a frenzy. There’s a reason they don’t make bikinis out of emeralds any longer and it’s not just because it triggers a frenzy of greed in a southern town probably suffering economically because, well, it’s a southern town; no, that reason is chafing. Chafing leads to stretching. Stretching leads to armpit-exposure. Armpit-exposure leads to temptation. Temptation leads to adultery. Also: emerald bikinis are prohibitively expensive. That’s another reason. Harling College A teaching degree was needed… and the subject was sex. Prexied by a beautiful tramp… Financed by tainted millions… Guided by an international boudoir expert… Staffed by a free-loving faculty… …The shocking story of a plush campus, where co-eds received a liveral education. An educational pulp fiction novel and not just because it’s set in an education facility. Let’s count the other ways: Do you know what the name for exposing your armpits to other people is? You do now. It’s harling, apparently. Where do you go to learn to harl? Harling college. How do you entice someone you’re attracted to? You harl like you’ve never harled before. Tramps prexy. Okay, I don’t know what that word means but it’s possibly explained in the book. And I’m hoping it’s the American definition of tramp and not the British one because we don’t have beautiful tramps over here. Our ones have matted beards and smell of wee. Oh, and I really hope that to prexy doesn’t mean to cause someone to wrinkle up their nose as you pass because you’re encased in a cloud of odours that only tramps – British definition – and maybe your gran if you haven’t checked in on her for a while have. It used to be possible to be an international boudoir expert. I...
Whaling In All The Wrong Places
Self-published in 1983 was Kelvin Turnbull’s humorous anthology of tales of whaling where no whaling should really take place. The final chapter took place in the waters off Iceland and was intended to highlight why whaling for any reason and in any location was wrong; it was the only chapter in which the whale was caught and killed. In an interview published in his hometown newspaper The Northampton Mercury Turnbull explained how he had become an avid ecologist and champion of whales’ rights. I had been working on a small trawler to earn some money and we were on a night fish when the nets were pulled away from us and the boat turned over. I banged my head and slipped into near unconsciousness, pulled to safety by a crewmate to cling to the hull until rescue came. I had a vivid vision at that time of seeing rising from the surface of the sea the bulk of the whale that had caused me to nearly lose my life and I remember how beautiful it was and thinking that I bore it no ill will. It was later, after a stay in hospital, that I discovered it had been a submarine but the love for these wonderful sea mammals was firmly in place. The compensation payment for the accident allowed me to start my own publishing...
Bad Space Hotels
Subtitled Reviews from another world! and published in 1975, Bad Space Hotels was quite likely partly the inspiration for the Space Vacation novels by Joachim Tung-Deprezant of a few years later. Unlike those novels, though, Marshall Wickstomp’s foray into literature disregards storyline in favour of fictional reviews of hotels (with problems) on planets throughout the galaxy. The book is quite funny to start with – although the use of the word “space” as an adjective does wear thin after a while – but gets darker towards the end, a result of problems in the author’s personal life: house repossession, liquidation of his company manufacturing Space Frisbees, premature baldness, and most influentially, a messy divorce. This is easy to see with a comparison of one of the early bad space hotel reviews with a later one. Early: The Triton Excelsior is perfectly located for the Space Convention Center but our room was too close to the rooftop launchpad. While we appreciated the great view of Space City Gamma and the bonus sight of the entire Spacegridball field during the tournament final my tertiary wife felt the deafening roar and retro rocket plumes that cascaded onto us during our digital candlelit dinner on our 829th floor balcony spoiled our anniversary. Later: I thought this would be the only hotel I’d ever need. I thought I would be able to stay here forever. I was wrong. It looked good on the outside, at first. But inside there was not enough space illumination. The darkness seemed to grow like a cancer. The bed was hard, cold, and unforgiving. The windows were covered in astrosoot. Looking out from inside made everything seem bleak. There is a foulness in the corridors that permeates everything it touches. I would not recommend the Hotel Caroline on Arcturus IX to my worst enemy, although I understand my former best friend Dave likes his regular room in the basement. Wickstomp disappeared in...
Orbital Snooker 2000
The late 1970s saw a flood of speculative sporting instruction manuals hit book shelves including some of the more well-known such as Mixed Tug O’ War (Punk Edition), Rally Car Jousting, and Table Polo. Those books, at least, had some chance of actually being played but the same couldn’t be said for the end of the decade’s Orbital Snooker 2000 by Irish author Lee Ayres. Ayres was a reasonably well-respected futurist and extrapolated then present day materials and technologies into the heady days of the twenty first century to come up with the rules of the game he considered would become the opium of the world’s populations. It was his intention to become the father of the sport and cash in on global licencing rights but his vision of coloured mile-wide spheres of graphene piloted by the criminal masses of competing nations attempting to knock their opponents into the sun and gain their freedom was just a little too expensive to...
The Crackerjack Book Of Games
Found, appropriately enough, on the always excellent Found Objects are these pictures from the 1965 Crackerjack Book of Games. Pictures on that site, yes, but no text to go with them. Fortunately, though, I’ve been able to dig out some of the game instructions. 1965 was a very different time. The Microwave Game Here’s a fun activity for all you kids whose fathers are working with one of those new-fangled industrial microwave ovens in use at all the civic cremation zones. With a friend, or if/when you don’t have a friend any longer then against the clock, see how long you can withstand the intense heat inside these miracles of modern technology. Once you’re good enough why not see whose skin can form the largest blister before it explodes and the agony of tearing skin and exposed flesh to the electromagnetic radiation becomes too much for any juvenile human to bear? The Tower Of Power You’ll need building blocks to construct towers for this game so why not pop down to Woolworths and pick up a bargain bag of Woolworths Own Brand Cups ‘N’ Discs with your earnings from scarecrowing? Gather around a table with your best friends and race against one another to build a monument that stretches towards Heaven. The winner is the first person to become filled with the Power of God and finds him or herself compelled to yell Halleluia!. Extra points if the power causes your opponents’ towers to collapse. Mind Control Here’s a game that’s both relaxing and rewarding! Can you use your telekinetic powers to get a marble to roll out of a cup and up a piece of wood? You’ll need all your powers of concentration for this but if you succeed then get your mother or father to give the local government psychic warfare recruiting offices a call and get ready for a life of intrigue and riches beyond your wildest dreams! Old Billy Old Billy is the classic family game of make-believe and dress-up brought into the sixties with a way to win! Ask your parents for permission to use their copies of The National White Person when they’ve finished memorising it for the day and dress yourself up as that boozy rascal of a tramp, Old Billy. You’ll need to stay out overnight, probably down by the canal, but if you can return home without being set alight then you win a point and it’s time for your brother or sister to see if they can do the same. Who will get the highest score? Super Sense When Britain begins its conquest of Asia in the next decade...
Starblazer Comics
From 1979 through to 1991 D. C. Thomson & Company, Limited published 281 issues of a small format comics anthology called Starblazer. It was never as successful or as widely read as Commando, which I also used to collect, but the science fiction nerd inside me preferred Starblazer. For no other reason than the thought crossed my mind today I’ve decided to hunt down covers of the magazine from that there internet machine that I remember owning and reading. One of the first images I spotted and recognised was this from issue 15, Algol The Terrible. I confess I couldn’t quite remember what the plot of the story was but if you click on the image to follow the link you’ll see a great summary from Philip Sandifer. Via the comments on this io9 article (on Spanish pulp magazine covers, bizarrely) comes Nightmare Planet. Again, no recollection of the plot but if the cover is anything to go by – and with Starblazer comics that’s frequently not the case at all – then there’s a planet involved which has all manner of nastiness on its surface. The next load of photos I found via a post on Monster Brains – Starblazer – which led me to the Flickr photostream of Aeron Alfrey and the Starblazer album. To reiterate, I’m only going to include ones I remember having. I’m also going to explain the story’s plot in each case based solely on the artwork and/or title. There’s a chance this won’t be accurate. Robot Rebellion, the story of a rebellion… by robots! Or maybe just one robot. The title isn’t clear on that matter but what is apparent is that there’s no nobility in robot rebellions and shooting your fellow artificial lifeforms in the back is considered just fine. Isaac Asimov would have a fit if he saw this. The Drifters of Darga are an alien species that float across the surface of their planet making high-pitched noises (helium, you see) and helping adventurers who find themselves trapped in the local foliage. Because of their unfortunate skin patterns they’re considered terrifying by visitors. The story is a classic “don’t judge a book by its cover” tale which is precisely what I’m doing. I’ll never learn. The Machine Master is a simple story of slavery only with a master who is a machine, incapable of caring for its labour force. Despite this, the workers love the machine because the planet they’re working on has a higher-than-usual concentration of oxygen in the atmosphere. Light-headed japes and frequent fires fill the pages of this comic. The sand people from Star Wars make an...
Recent From Retro
-
The Women Of Kilobaud Computing Sep 26, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent From Entertainment
-
Dance Music Triple Nov 19, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent Comments