That’s Kubrap!
"Oh man, Godfather part two is so much better than Godfather part one!" "Dude, you are so talking kubrap!" This typical, everyday conversation between two vile youths may have left you stumped if you’re not sure just what "kubrap" is. What is kubrap? When many people claim something as fact, not because it is a fact and not because they’ve formed their own opinion, but rather because other people they know have claimed the something to be a fact and they’re merely repeating it without giving it any thought whatsoever so that they can appear "hip" (that’s still in use, yes?) then the fact itself is kubrap and anyone making the claim is said to be talking kubrap. Godfather part two, for example, is not better than Godfather part one yet many people will robotically proclaim that it is one of only a small number of sequels that are superior to the original. This isn’t because they decided this for themselves, thinking about the storyline, characters, direction, or anything else related to the film; it’s because they heard it on a television programme or their friend said it. The television programme was wrong, the friend was an imbecile, and the fact was utter kubrap. So, where does the name kubrap come from? Kubrap is a portmanteau word deriving from Kubrick and Crap. This is because most – if not all – of Kubrick’s films are really not that good – at best – and some are absolutely dreadful. Yet there are legions of people who will make ridiculous claims as to his genius behind the camera, not because they arrived at this conclusion themselves but because somebody else mentioned it and they decided it must be true and that to dissent from the accepted position might be interpreted as treasonous at some level. The movie Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb is a fine example of an appalling film that regularly resides in the upper echelons of various charts of the best movie ever made or the best direction or the funniest crud etc. People who want to appear informed vote for it because other, more popular cronies say it’s great. But it’s not great. It’s not even average. It’s not funny. It’s not a good satire. It has woeful acting and awful effects that aren’t some magical display of directing genius. Hot Shots! is a better war comedy but nobody ever fawns over the mystical art skills of Jim Abrahams. Dr Strangelove is crap by Kubrick. It’s kubrap. Kubrick was surrounded by controversy all his life; he famously didn’t get on...
Complaints About Ross And Brand
It was revealed today by Ofcom that over sixty million British people have not complained about the comments made by usually totally uncontroversial presenters Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand during a BBC Radio 2 show on the 18th October. Conservative party media spokesman Jeremy Hunt told this site: "It is inconceivable in a time like this that British taxpayers would not be phoning up and complaining about material that a handful of taxpaying, British people found offensive by two possibly taxpaying gentlemen who we – as British taxpayers paying British tax – are ultimately employing by paying tax. Inconceivable." Brand and Ross made comments regarding Brand’s sexual relationship with the granddaughter of actor Andrew Sachs, Georgina Baillie, and left these on the actor’s answerphone. Ms Bailie said she felt embarrassed that the relationship had been revealed to her grandfather but has so far refused to rule out exclusive newspaper deals detailing all the intricate sordidness of her time with the comedian, all of which she’ll probably be perfectly fine with. Both Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross have issued a joint apology of sorts. In it, Brand – best known for and employed because of his family-friendly, non-offensive style of funny, family-time, clean humour – stated that he shouldn’t have left the message. Jonathan Ross, widely regarded as the BBC’s boyishly attractive, primetime show-hosting, child-friendly joking, light-talking face of the early weekday evening, agreed with his co-presenter that the action was regrettable while laughing because he found it funny and it turns out that humour is subjective. The BBC is now under pressure after calls from the incredibly tiny minority of people who didn’t not complain to Ofcom to sack the presenters but has so far refused to act as impulsively and vociferously as those with an axe to grind against the organisation or a desire to promote themselves but not the guts to come out and admit...
That NFL Wembley Experience
On Sunday I took a trip to Wembley to watch the NFL game between the San Diego Chargers and the New Orleans Saints. I made some observations about the experience. Travelling and London The train has something called a "Shhh … Quiet Zone", a carriage for those who dislike loud noises – I know because we sat in it. Admittedly accidentally. This zone of peace instructs people to not use their headphones (which they do anyway) and to not use their mobile phones (which they do anyway). It doesn’t instruct people to keep their dreadful Boring Bicycling Twats Club Of Great Britain (group name extrapolated based on incessant drivel) conversation to a minimum (i.e. the silent minimum): "Have you met Melvin?" "Hello Melvin! Where’s Tom?" "Oh Tom’s texted to say he’s missed the train!" "Oh no! Tom’s missed the train!" "That’s right, he’s missed the train." "So should we wait for Tom or cycle to Greenwich to meet Sally and Tristan?" "I think we should wait and then make Tom buy lunch." "Oh spiffy! Fancy Tom missing the train." "The train." "The train." "Tom." "So where’s your bike?" "Back there where you put the bikes." "Mine too!" "Tom’s bike’s not there." And the zone has no instruction for making parents of screaming children dangle them out of the window to deaden the noise either. Not that anyone would pay any attention even if they did. Once you’re in London you travel by Tube if you want to get anywhere, stay dry, and don’t mind giving oxygen a miss for half an hour or so. If you’re after a recession-proof business then the London tissue industry or the inventors of an anti-tar, one-piece suit might be worth investing the last of your life’s savings in. A day in London travelling on the Tube coats the insides of your nostrils with a black, sticky crud and must be blown out and examined at first hand to truly appreciate its vileness. One can only conclude that most Londoners are, themselves, lined with this substance. This may make Londoners more flammable than normal people or, conversely, it may be impossible to burn one at all. Tests should be carried out. Now. The NFL Tailgate Party I’d never been to a tailgate party before but now I know … a tailgate party is a giant circle of queues, snaking around and devouring one another’s tail. People queue to buy merchandise and reward themselves for tolerating that hour by queueing to buy a drink that they drink while in the queue for food which they consume in the static line for the toilet which gives...
Saints Chargers Tickets
Hooray! And Yay! And Woo! And Whoop-de-diddly-doo! Tickets for the New Orleans Saints versus the San Diego Chargers playing at Wembley – Club Wembley tickets no less! – plus tickets for the pre-game Tailgate party held at the terrifyingly awesome-sounding Palace Of Industry arrived today. At stupid o’clock in the morning. When I was downstairs. But the door was locked. And the keys were upstairs. Because I’d just got up to inject the cat. And I’ve got a long hall. And steep twisting stairs. And a long upstairs hall. And I run like a buffalo. And I dread to think what a buffalo-like running me sporting only a dressing gown thundering down the hallway, up the stairs, down the other hallway, grabbing the keys, thundering back down the hallway, down the stairs, and down the original hallway would have looked like to an outsider or sounded like to our neighbours. But who cares! I’ve recovered from my mild heart attack following all that exertion and I’ve got NFL tickets for the Saints and Chargers! Whoop-de-diddly-doo! I’m really going to start pushing for more Whoop-de-diddly-doo in general...
Close Encounters: Prelude
I recently got my hands on a copy of the "Prelude" section to the planned but sadly shelved 30th anniversary release of Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters Of The Third Kind: The Special Edition: The Collector’s Edition: The Extended Collectors Special Edition Edition and was pleased to see that – had it been shot and distributed – it would have papered over some of the holes and sanded down some of the flaws in the otherwise spectacular movie. After an exchange of emails with the esteemed director Mr Spielberg, none of which were overly threatening or contained intimations that certain photographs were in a certain person’s possession and a certain someone might want to allow a certain other person who happened to be the first certain person certain rights to reproduce a certain film script, the generous filmmaker has granted me an exclusive worldwide right to reproduce this script here so that fans of the cinematic masterpiece can finally fully appreciate Close Encounters Of The Third Kind in its fullest glory. INTERIOR – ALIEN MOTHERSHIP – BRIEFING ROOM Bright, minimalistic look, something John Lennon and Yoko Ono might like. Tall, thin alien sits at head of a table. Fanning out from him are smaller, childlike aliens. Panning view as the aliens communicate with one another using quick hand movements and head tilts. Close in on tall alien CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN who presses his hands together and a stillness settles over the room. Tilt to his mouth which then speaks. CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN Gentlebeings, this is the final mission briefing. We are now in cloaked orbit over the planet known by many names among its disparate peoples but which we’ll call Earth since we’ve all just undergone intense American language lessons. Queedlestein looks around at the faces of his fellow aliens, blinking and smiling. They blink and smile back. Very serene feel. CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN Many of you will have visited Earth before on earlier missions. Some of you have had misgivings over our continued, er, "borrowing" of Earth equipment in recent solar rotations. Let me assure you that we shall be returning all borrowed equipment immediately prior to the main mission. Lieutenant Badoodleberg of the Antiquities Division will explain. Lieutenant? A child alien makes a brief hand gesture. LT BADOODLEBERG Extensive examination of the Earth artefacts has turned up nothing useful – yes, you were all right; there really was no benefit in taking them and to be frank, there was no place to store the battleship anyway – so we have agreed to return all airborne and sea-based vehicles back to the Earthlings … ANOTHER ALIEN (cutting Badoodleberg off) I was under...
Professor Brian Cox TV Appearances
In recent weeks – because of his role as one of the scientists working at CERN with the Large Hadron Collider, because of his bitchslapping of the alleged President of the British Association of the "Advancement" of "Science", Sir David King on Newsnight, and because I interviewed the man several years ago before he was uber-famous – this site has seen a surge in search queries looking for information about Professor Brian Cox. Is he gay? Is he married? Is he married to a gay? And so on. Well, I know the answers to all those questions but I’m not going to address them here. Before he was a professor, before he was even a mere doctor, and before he performed with D:Ream, Brian Cox was a child actor who appeared on TV and in print many times in the United Kingdom throughout the 1970s and early 1980s. If you’re of a certain age then you might just remember growing up with Brian but if you need reminding then I’ve collected some of his more well-known youth appearances for your delectation. Here Come The Double Deckers, 1970 Brian is front left Brian was one of the original cast of cult children’s television programme Here Come The Double Deckers, playing the troublemaker Spotter. His role was quickly replaced by that of Sticks the American in order to pander to a wider audience. A little-known fact about Brian is that he developed a fixation with the London bus featured in the series and spent many years looking for it on the roads of Britain. These days, however, after receiving a box set of Jimbo and the Jet Set one Christmas, he confesses he is more likely to spend hours at airports wistfully gazing into the sky. The Tomorrow People, 1976 Brian is far right Season four of terrifying children’s sci-fi series The Tomorrow People introduced Brian in the role of telepath Mike, a working-class telepath with a criminal background. Viewers were unconvinced by Brian’s Cockney-cum-Mancunian accent and flooded popular magazines of the day such as Look-in with complaints. After his contract was not renewed Brian vowed to never buy Look-in again. And he never did. Rainbow, 1977 Brian is front right In addition to appearing in several episodes during the 1976 and 1977 seasons of Rainbow Brian also featured alongside Rod and Jane on an album of songs either from or inspired by the series including tracks such as "Where’s Your Other Hand George?" and "Gettin’ Zippy Wit’ It". What isn’t widely known is that Brian also filled in for Bungle on one of the episodes when the actor in question...
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