Jobs Of The Post-Apocalypse
Owner Drivers URGENTLY NEEDED Reply to: sxzytsi34@eol.com Date: 2043-09-03, 11:14PM BST Tor Hangwald’s Roving Gang Of Terror are urgently seeking owner drivers in the Los Angeles area for immediate work. A flexible attitude to working hours, the company you keep, and attachment to limbs is necessary. In return we offer excellent rates of pay and free tattooing. Duties to include: driving without purpose, laughing in a menacing way, harrassing people. In addition to your own vehicle any chainsaws, metal bars, flaming brands, and eccentric hairstyles you can bring to the job will be to your advantage. Previous applicants need not re-apply. Location: Los Angeles, California. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948823481163 Get Rich Or Die Trying Reply to: fiu4n292@eol.com Date: 2043-09-02, 7:38AM BST I am: a teenage girl caring for a younger brother on a quest to search for our missing father. He was seeking a way to bring back harmony to the planet when he disappeared while exploring in The Evil Zone. You are: a rough, no-nonsense, attractive-yet-single, unscarred, honest, hardman who will insist on full pay for the bare minimum of assistance at first but who will eventually warm to us and aid us in our quest without accepting any recompense out of a growing sense of humanity you thought you’d lost for good. You will be an accomplished fighter, heroic but not stupid, and will sympathetically reject my sexual advances because of our age gap and my innocence and you will certainly not take advantage of these chaotic times and my naivety. Location: The Evil Zone. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no mutants! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948793450067 Warehouse Franchise Opportunities Reply to: luvrofwarehouses@eol.com Date: 2043-09-01, 6:34PM BST FASTEST GROWING PROPERTY BUSINESS Everybody needs a warehouse. Sell in your own area in your own time. Warehouses come with empty boxes and lots of pipes. A one-off payment for all this: ladders, walkways, burning oil cans, pieces of brickwork. Franchisees get access to comprehensive graffiti-daubing training courses year-on-year to keep up with the latest trends. Build a vast, disused building empire in no time. Warehouses to suit every market. With or without pre-smashed windows! Location: Anywhere. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948793399011 Senior Onlie in Kansas Reply to: miri_tos0812@eol.com Date: 2043-09-01, 4:09AM...
Scarlett Johansson’s Mouth
Does anyone else find Scarlett Johansson’s mouth distracting? And not good distracting, or excuse me but I’m off to the bathroom for five – no, make that three! – minutes distracting, but just plain old distracting. I can’t even say exactly what I find so distracting about her mouth. The lips look … wrong. When she smiles one half of one of her lips sneers while part of the other one flattens or something. Or does it? I don’t even know if that’s possible or if that’s even happening. Or maybe the upper lip inflates and deflates when her mouth opens while the lower one extends outwards slightly. Or do her lower teeth retract inside her jaw when she sneer-smiles unbalancing the mouthal area? A clear example of the distractingness of the distracting lips on the distracting mouth of Scarlett Johansson. I can’t even tell what is so distracting about her mouth due to its awesome powers to distract my cognitive functions. Perhaps it is a mouth that can only be understood through the medium of poety. Wordsworth-style. I wondered oddly at Scarlett Johansson’s mouth That expands bizarrely o’er cheeks and chin, When all at once I became distracted; A lip, transcending this dimension. Within the skin, beneath the nose, Staring intently, my confusion grows. Or through art. Klimt-style. Or through an animated GIF. Or perhaps it simply cannot be understood at...
The England Football Team
If you’ve a passing interest in the sport the world outside America calls football but you’ve never had the time to really delve into the whos, whys, whats, whens, and how the hells then this introductory piece introducing you in an introductatious manner to some of the people in the beautiful game may be beneficial. Since I’m mostly English and we’re right in the middle of a period of qualifying games for the next Euro championships with a crunch game against Andorra coming up tonight (no, I don’t know how it’s possible to reach the situation where a game against Andorra could ever be considered a crunch game either but it’s a crazy world we live in) I thought I’d take a look at the England football team: the key players, the important staff members, the media. Key Players Owen Hargreaves The only player in the squad who doesn’t play in the English Premiership also happens to be the best player to have put on an England shirt in living memory. Of redwood trees. Yes, he’s that good. He may make the odd mistake – getting caught in possession, passing to the invisible pixie on the sideline, assuming his team-mates are any good, etc. – but he makes up for that with intelligence, passion, fitness, work-rate, and lightly-curled hair. For a long time there was a sports media campaign to eject him from the team on the grounds of "very nearly being a foreigner, what with playing in Germany, who does he think he is, eh?" but former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson thankfully ignored the clueless twats who laughingly call themselves journalists long enough for them to give up and move onto trying to remove the manager instead. Which sadly they did eventually succeed at. In Summary: Owen Hargreaves = Very Good. Wayne Rooney Like Owen Hargreaves, Wayne also often displays good fitness and work-rate. However, he also has a tendency to get upset easily and this adversely affects his game. Things that make Wayne upset are: being played in a different position from the one he’s good at and plays week-in and week-out are you listening Steve McClaren this isn’t rocket science sheesh, not offering your gran for sexual favours when conducting an interview with him, the tedious references to his resemblance to Shrek; it’s getting old now people, the tedious references to his visits to elderly prostitutes (sorry about the earlier reference to not offering your gran when conducting an interview). Wayne was educated at the De La Salle college in Liverpool. I was educated at another De La Salle college in Portsmouth. This makes Wayne...
The Solaris Bug Situation
Guest article by Brent Murphy. Follow some of the links in the article to grab some free MP3s Back in high school I was with a bunch of guys and we decided to see if the rumors were true: if indeed you watch The Wizard Of Oz with the sound off and listen to Dark Side Of The Moon, will there be a symmetry? We figured weed would help in our scientific explorations. It did. And yes, there is. Well, fast forward to 2006 and a friend of a friend gives me a CD-R of one of my favorite band’s not-yet-released new albums (actually it’s one of the solo projects of my favorite band: The Speakers; the solo project is Brian Miller’s "The Lightning Bug Situation.") Anyway, I liked it. It’s definitely better than the first Lightning Bug Situation, which I thought was kind of disappointing especially considering it followed on the heels of one of my favorite all time albums, The Speakers’s "Yeats Is Greats." So. The new album is good. I really like it actually. But there’s something weird about it. A couple of weeks previously I had rented this one movie I thought was really excellent; so excellent that I had actually watched it twice: the 1972 original Russian version of Solaris. It’s a great movie, pretty tripped-out, very moving, and a very beautiful and visual movie. Anyway, while I was listening to the new Lightning Bug Situation it kept reminding me of Solaris. The lyric "outside with your blue jacket on/green trees and the sea" appears during the very beginning of the album, and in the movie, the first scene has the main character outside, wearing a blue jacket! Later, the album references driving in black and white just as the movie changes to scenes of one of the people driving … all now shot in black and white! And a lot of the scenes seem to change with the songs too. I could go on and on but I’ll spare you. Suffice to say there are a lot of symmetries. Could it be we have another Dark Side Of The Rainbow? Albeit one with a very obscure movie and an even more obscure band? So I decided to be like my old high school self, rent Solaris again, play it, turn down the sound, play The Lightning Bug Situation, and smoke tons of weed. Well, it took a couple of tries (actually about a half an hour; no, not the weed, the movie and CD symmetry). The whole process was pretty fun actually, like breaking a secret code. And, well, ladies and gentlemen, I...
Danny Boyle Movie: Sunshine
For my intarwebfriend Gia … and to promote the new movie Sunshine by Danny Boyle, director of Trainspotting and 28 Days Later, the official website of which Gia has been maintaining during the last year … and because I – like bishops – love sci-fi … and because I can’t remember the last time I updated this site twice in one day … and for your viewing pleasure … Embed This Video | Visit Fox Searchlight Update New trailer released 9th March 2007...
NFL Post-Season Preview
We’re about to enter the post-season period of the current American Football season right about now which means there’s no better time to examine the teams who’ve made it through to the knockout phases. NFC – Seattle Seahawks It’s always a tough season when you have to play San Francisco and Arizona twice so hearty congratulations to the Seahawks of Seattle for earning top spot this year. Head coach Mike Holmgren’s decision-making on the field has been more-or-less eclipsed by his sellout Broadway revue as one half of The Amazing Walrus Twins with fellow coach Andy Reid but with several suspicious fires destroying their venue over Christmas he’ll be free to concentrate on the important games to come. Key To Winning: Holmgren has reportedly wrestled a magic challenge flag from the grasp of a leprechaun this week granting him the power to overturn one field decision. Use it wisely Mike. NFC – Dallas Cowboys It’s been a season of soap opera-proportions for the Cowboys with all the newsworthy team changes – Romo for Bledsoe, Gramatica for Vanderjagt – and the awful cheerleader combustion incident in week three but veteran coach Bill Parcells has maintained a cool head throughout thanks to the ultra-high reflective hair he sports these days. In a tough division, that may have proved the key factor in their success. Key To Winning: There is no specific rule limiting the size of gloves so Terrell Owens will need to sport giant foam hands in a bid to improve his catching rate. Watch out other teams! NFC – Chicago Bears The Bears were the first team to qualify for post-season thanks largely to playing in the same division as Detroit and Green Bay and in no way at all thanks to superior offense at the hands of Rex Grossman. If their pattern of luck continues through to the NFC playoff final Chicago will tie a 60-year NFL record for non-mountain-based teams undeservedly winning games with a quarterback whose first name is a latin word, without the use of a machete, not dressed in a mauve uniform, who don’t play on concrete, having less than a thousand team mascots, on home field, in a planetary system with a yellow dwarf sun. Key To Winning: Lovie Smith will need to counteract the anti-Bears gypsy curse that my girlfriend found in her Christmas cracker this year. Good luck with your five-legged cat hunt Lovie! NFC – New Orleans Saints Nobody was more surprised than me to see New Orleans have such a successful season because I was brainwashed into believing the city had been scooped off the surface of the Earth...
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