Strictly Come Dancing 2007
If you’re anything like me – and let’s all hope they find a cure for that and soon – then you just find yourself glued to the television screen on Saturday evenings watching the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing programme. It’s simply a perfect blend of elegant ballroom dancing, sexy latin dancing, judges who have become parodies of themselves, and laughing at celebrities with no natural rhythm and two or more left feet that forms a ratings winner. This year has seen the introduction of two new changes to the programme format in a bid to freshen the show up and get people talking about it. I’m talking about so it must have worked! First off is the voting results show being on a Sunday night instead of later on the Saturday. Far from enabling longer in the editing room to pad out the highlights clips and produce more programming hours for lower production costs whilst simultaneously trying to enforce channel loyalty and shift the ratings on Sunday evenings away from competitor channels, this move instead is due to "research" indicating that "the people" wanted their Sundays filled thusly. What people and what research? All will be revealed after Christmas in the new BBC TV series Strictly Come Dancing People And Research Secrets Revealed. Claudia Winkleman will also host the fanzine show It Takes Clipboards. The second change to the programme is in the way the dancers are now voted off the show. The old method of the judges’ scores being supplemented by the public licence fee-payers democratic phone votes was deemed to be unfair to those celebrities who the judges had taken a shine to early on and decided should progress despite their obvious failings and clear bias from the panel. The makers of Strictly Come Dancing decided that a system that didn’t allow viewers of the programme to overrule the predetermined wishes of the tuxedoed elite was more in keeping with the spirit of a light entertainment programme. The judges now have a veto. But enough bitterness, just who are the competitors (left at time of writing) in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing competition? Dominic Littlewood & Lilia Kopylova Dominic Littlewood is the cheekiest chappy known to mankind. It’s pretty near impossible to mention Dominic without using the word "cheeky" or some derivative in every sentence. His natural cheekiness is enhanced by dousing with Calvin Klein’s Eau Seau Cheeky on a daily basis. This envelops Dominic in a misty field of supercheeky particulates that scientists label "The Cheeky Zone". He fancies one of The Cheeky Girls; the gormless one. Lilia is the fiery Russian minx that nobody would...
Rejected TV Sitcoms
If you’ve watched enough television then you’ve probably come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a rejected television sitcom. With programmes as truly, cringingly, stereotypically awful as The War At Home and genuinely, cry-inside, unfunny as The I.T. Crowd you could be forgiven for thinking that TV producers look only for the words "situation" and "comedy" and greenlight a series without checking for those all-important warning signs such as "written by a racist", "based on a Chekov play", or "starring Tom Arnold". However, in the annals of TV history there actually have been some sitcoms rejected by networks across the world. For the first time, a selection: Pope Jack Synopsis: Father Jack, formerly of Father Ted, becomes Pope. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: There is no latin word for "feck". Chachi Loves Richie Synopsis: A modern take on the Happy Days spin-off penned by Russell T. Davies. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: ABC’s testing indicated that viewers and Ron Howard were uncomfortable with every scene featuring penetrative anal sex. Schindler’s Lisp Synopsis: The everyday tale of a Sudeten-German Catholic businessman in the days of The Final Solution and his struggle to invent a list-processing computer language for the Nazis. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: There was a rival sitcom based on Goebbels and his love affair with Babbage’s Difference Engine already in production. Married … With AIDS Synopsis: Sal, Penny, Burt, and Kerry Grundy battle one another and HIV positive humour at the same time. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: Threats from shoe salesmen – worried that their business would be affected by storylines such as "Sal’s Shoehorn Infects A Fat Woman" – forced the network to pull out. That’s My Janitor! Synopsis: A middle-aged, long-term unemployed man is finally employed as janitor at an all-girls school. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: FOX imposed a limit of fourteen onanism references per episode but the writer would not negotiate down from three hundred and seventy two. How I Raped Your Mother Synopsis: A rape story in reverse, the story follows Todd telling his numerous offspring about the events that led to him serving life with no chance of parole. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: Focus groups indicated they were not keen on the phrase "Your Mother". Mind Your Language A.D. 2100 Synopsis: Updated version of the classic racist comedy set in a language school teaching English to damn foreigners. Now on the moon. With hilarious consequences. Reason For Rejection: Nobody was sure what horribly offensive stereotype could be applied to Esperanto-speakers. That ’40s Show Synopsis: Erich von Feuermann and his...
Dog Planet Movie News
New Release! Borzoiz N The Hood (12) Dog-on-dog crime is at an all-time high. The spread of rabies in the ghettos is so extensive that the government turns a blind eye to it now. It’s against this bleak backdrop that we first meet the main group of characters in the film – Litter Tre, BowWowBoy, Chrissy, Ricky, Doggie, and Monster – as pups. In a tough neighbourhood only Litter Tre escapes the inherent violence and late-night barking at shadows for no reason. The bulk of the movie takes place many years later and tackles many social talking points such as poverty, education, and licking one’s testicles in public. Fans of action won’t be disappointed though as gangs feature heavily. Even Litter Tre chooses to run with the pack in order to seek vengeance on a murder and you won’t be able to help yourself wonder if the cycle of hate can ever be broken. Former Mutts With Attitude rapper Rice Rube puts in a compelling and believable performance as BowWowBoy and Angela Bassett Hound shines in her role as Litter Tre’s mum. Coming Soon! Where Beagles Dare Classic wartime novel "Where Beagles Dare" looks set to be turned into a film later this year after all. Regular readers will remember that studio executives have been locked in negotiations with author Goodboy Maclean for several years now over his insistence on creative control for the movie. Thankfully some backroom butt-sniffing finally seems to have put a seal on the deal and cinemagoers should be able to look forward to the big screen version of the wartime epic late in 2008. The story is that a team of Beagle commandos must parachute into catzi Germany near the end of World War 2, infiltrate the headquarters of the Siamese Service, and either rescue or kill a captured American Foxhound with full knowledge of the upcoming D-Day invasion. But things aren’t quite what they seem. Veteran actors Richard Bullmastiff and Clint East Siberian Laika are rumoured to have already signed on. Movie Of The Week! Weekend At St Bernard’s (PG) The drop-dead comedy makes its way to DVD this week and earns our coveted "Movie Of The Week" award. The basic premise of the film is that Larry (Spaniel McCarthy) and Richard (Rottweiler Silverdog) are a couple of young executives trying to make it big in their dog-eat-dog corporate world through a combination of hard work and slobbering charm. After taking details of a financial irregularity to their boss Bernie they are invited to his beachfront doghouse. Bernie wants them killed but ends up getting whacked by a hitmutt instead. To avoid being...
Ultimate James Bond Trivia
Guaranteed not to have been previously seen on IMDB or your next article is free! Film: Dr No (1962). Trivia: Sean Connery heard the song Under The Mango Tree so many times during filming that he developed a phobia for the fruit. The name of the island Crab Key was chosen because it is an anagram of Car Key B, writer Ian Fleming’s favourite key for opening his car. Although Jack Lord ended up playing Felix Leiter in the movie he originally auditioned for the role of Conch Shell #2 in the beach scene with Ursula Andress. Film: From Russia With Love (1963). Trivia: It was impossible to get the rats to run correctly in the catacombs so cats in rat costumes and camera trickery were used instead. Sean Connery refused to buy any lucky heather while filming at the gypsy camp and was subsequently cursed with an inability to render any foreign accents convincingly. Film: Goldfinger (1964). Trivia: Ian Fleming became incandescent with rage after the censors insisted that Honor Blackman’s character be named ‘Pussy Galore’ rather than ‘Cuntflaps O’Houlihan’. Harold Sakata – who played Oddjob – became so attached to his bowler hat that he became a stockbroker on the London exchange. He lost everything in the global jambalaya downturn of 1979. Film: Thunderball (1965). Trivia: The apparatus that allows Bond to breathe underwater was made from two tampons but Sean still doesn’t know and you mustn’t tell him. The jetpack Bond uses in the escape from the chateau was real. However, the helmet was a hollowed-out watermelon. The frogmen fighting sequence is generally regarded as one of the longest and most tedious moments in cinematographic history. Film: You Only Live Twice (1967). Trivia: Literal translations for this movie’s title in other countries include: "Mr Bond In Outer Space" (Canada), "Ninjas, Ninjas, Ninjas" (Ethiopia), and "Worst. Japanese. Impression. Ever." (Japan) Connery’s obsession with tentacle rape anime started during production of this film. The cat stroked by Blofeld in earlier Bond movies could not reappear due to other commitments and a replacement was used. Film: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969). Trivia: In the film Draco’s favourite drink is Corsican Brandy. However, in real life actor Gabriele Ferzetti claims he likes nothing better than bleach. George Lazenby and Diana Rigg’s rocky relationship on set is legendary but very few people realise this stems from them being born conjoined twins separated by a paper guillotine at age 7. Film: Diamonds Are Forever (1971). Trivia: Despite the looks, Mr Kidd was actually the "man" in his and Mr Wint’s relationship. Film: Live And Let Die (1973). Trivia: Jane Seymour became...
Jobs Of The Post-Apocalypse
Owner Drivers URGENTLY NEEDED Reply to: sxzytsi34@eol.com Date: 2043-09-03, 11:14PM BST Tor Hangwald’s Roving Gang Of Terror are urgently seeking owner drivers in the Los Angeles area for immediate work. A flexible attitude to working hours, the company you keep, and attachment to limbs is necessary. In return we offer excellent rates of pay and free tattooing. Duties to include: driving without purpose, laughing in a menacing way, harrassing people. In addition to your own vehicle any chainsaws, metal bars, flaming brands, and eccentric hairstyles you can bring to the job will be to your advantage. Previous applicants need not re-apply. Location: Los Angeles, California. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948823481163 Get Rich Or Die Trying Reply to: fiu4n292@eol.com Date: 2043-09-02, 7:38AM BST I am: a teenage girl caring for a younger brother on a quest to search for our missing father. He was seeking a way to bring back harmony to the planet when he disappeared while exploring in The Evil Zone. You are: a rough, no-nonsense, attractive-yet-single, unscarred, honest, hardman who will insist on full pay for the bare minimum of assistance at first but who will eventually warm to us and aid us in our quest without accepting any recompense out of a growing sense of humanity you thought you’d lost for good. You will be an accomplished fighter, heroic but not stupid, and will sympathetically reject my sexual advances because of our age gap and my innocence and you will certainly not take advantage of these chaotic times and my naivety. Location: The Evil Zone. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no mutants! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948793450067 Warehouse Franchise Opportunities Reply to: luvrofwarehouses@eol.com Date: 2043-09-01, 6:34PM BST FASTEST GROWING PROPERTY BUSINESS Everybody needs a warehouse. Sell in your own area in your own time. Warehouses come with empty boxes and lots of pipes. A one-off payment for all this: ladders, walkways, burning oil cans, pieces of brickwork. Franchisees get access to comprehensive graffiti-daubing training courses year-on-year to keep up with the latest trends. Build a vast, disused building empire in no time. Warehouses to suit every market. With or without pre-smashed windows! Location: Anywhere. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 33948793399011 Senior Onlie in Kansas Reply to: miri_tos0812@eol.com Date: 2043-09-01, 4:09AM...
Scarlett Johansson’s Mouth
Does anyone else find Scarlett Johansson’s mouth distracting? And not good distracting, or excuse me but I’m off to the bathroom for five – no, make that three! – minutes distracting, but just plain old distracting. I can’t even say exactly what I find so distracting about her mouth. The lips look … wrong. When she smiles one half of one of her lips sneers while part of the other one flattens or something. Or does it? I don’t even know if that’s possible or if that’s even happening. Or maybe the upper lip inflates and deflates when her mouth opens while the lower one extends outwards slightly. Or do her lower teeth retract inside her jaw when she sneer-smiles unbalancing the mouthal area? A clear example of the distractingness of the distracting lips on the distracting mouth of Scarlett Johansson. I can’t even tell what is so distracting about her mouth due to its awesome powers to distract my cognitive functions. Perhaps it is a mouth that can only be understood through the medium of poety. Wordsworth-style. I wondered oddly at Scarlett Johansson’s mouth That expands bizarrely o’er cheeks and chin, When all at once I became distracted; A lip, transcending this dimension. Within the skin, beneath the nose, Staring intently, my confusion grows. Or through art. Klimt-style. Or through an animated GIF. Or perhaps it simply cannot be understood at...
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