Portsmouth, Alien Invasion 1915 – 1923
Even as World War One (or as it was known at the time: Euroskirmish: The Bombening) took place, distracting much of Europe and – eventually – America too the Earth was beset by yet more warfare threatening to engulf humanity. This time it wasn’t the dastardly Kaiser responsible but an alien species whose origin and name were never determined for certain but who became known to the history books as The Squirmy Munge. The Squirmy Munge picked the prize naval port city of Portsmouth, England as their beachhead target for many obvious reasons, not least of which was the recent accolade of “Really Quite Charming City” in International City Revue, December 1914 edition. Unfortunately for The Squirmy Munge they hadn’t counted on the indomitable fighting spirit of the inhabitants of Portsmouth. And so it was that for eight years a series of invasions, stunning defensive actions, and retaliations became normal behaviour for the south coast of Britain quite separate from what was occurring in the fields of France and Belgium. The people of Earth owe a great deal to Portsmouth for eventually teaching The Squirmy Munge that the cost of war on the planet was too high even for spacefaring species with advanced weaponry. Above: a women’s football match takes place in Portsmouth while The Squirmy Munge undertake a daylight raid on the city in the...
Alien Games
For no reason at all I started up my Spectrum emulator and scrolled down the list of available games to load… There are quite a few games starting with the word “Alien”, I thought. And then: And I’ve not really added anything of much worth to the site in a little while. Followed by: I could quickly play all of them and write about it with screenshots. Ending with: Even though that’s arguably of about as much worth as not doing anything at all. But it keeps me off the streets, so here goes. Alien Adventure Written by Ian Upton and published by Stephen Hartley Software in 1984 this is a text adventure game with an alien world theme. Hence the name. The game starts with you in a deep quarry under an orange sky. It might help to picture the scene if you’ve ever watched Blake’s 7. I have, and every other episode took place in a quarry so this was a great boon to the mental imagery that the game was trying to convey. I started by typing LOOK and immediately was told that I could see a hidden gully. This struck me as nonsense. How could I possibly see something hidden? Surely it would be… whatever the opposite of hidden is. I decided to enter the not-hidden-at-all hidden gully and from there entered a tunnel until my way forward was blocked by rubble. I typed BARNEY RUBBLE and was told “I can’t” by way of response. This also struck me as nonsense although I was probably to blame too at this point. I decided to try the next game, which was… Alien Attack The game got off to an ominous start by instructing me to “Fly pass the aliens” which was clearly nonsense. The game then got much worse by starting. In summary: coloured lines, a thing that moves down the screen, some flashing black lines. Just awful. Alien Attack What’s this? A second game for the Spectrum called Alien Attack? Why yes! Yes it is! It had to be better, didn’t it? The game got off to an ominous start by instructing me to “Save the Earth from being distroyed” which was clearly nonsense. However, miracle of miracles, the game itself wasn’t too bad, featuring waves of well, let’s call them invaders descending down the screen (or from space if you like) while you shoot up the screen trying to stop them reaching the bottom. The graphics were just awful but this was more than made up for by the gameplay which was slightly above mediocre. Alien City Adventure Another adventure game but this time...
Ancient Aliens Drinking Game
I’ve had the pleasure of catching some of Ancient Aliens on the Military History channel (because where else other than a channel allegedly devoted to historical matters of relevance to the military would you expect to see a programme attributing every polished pebble and cave marking to an intergalactic civilisation?) and, yes, it’s been as ludicrous and hilarious as I suspected. Still, as much as I’ve laughed at it a thought did cross my mind: would it be possible to make Ancient Aliens even more enjoyable? And the answer, of course, is alcohol. For every sentence that starts with the word “could” to which the answer is “no” (could an alien civilisation have built this series of tunnels in Peru?): take a shot. For every sentence that starts with the phrase “is it possible” to which the answer is “no” (is it possible that these strange markings in Brazil are the same as these similar markings in Egypt?): take a shot. Every time Giorgio A. Tsoukalos appears on screen: take a shot. Every time Erich von Daniken is mentioned (but author of “Chariots of the Gods” Erich von Daniken has another, more sinister interpretation): take a shot. Every time there’s a pause after “someone” before “or something” is added (are these tunnels natural or were they fashioned by someone… or something?): take a shot. Every time some piece of historical evidence of aliens “mysteriously disappeared” (but shortly after his death the evidence he had been collecting mysteriously disappeared): take a shot. Every time two possible answers are given to a question and neither are true (are angels really winged visitors from Heaven or could they be aliens?): take a shot. Every time you hear that “the answer is clear” or some preposterous answer is preceded by the word “clearly” and you’re still puzzled or busy laughing: take a shot. Every time some actual science is used to dismiss one conclusion and then leap to the alternative of “aliens”, disregarding all the many other plausible options: down a pint in...
Vintage Borg
Sure, they assimilate everything in sight when they’re out cruising the transwarp corridors but get them out of their uniforms and you’ll find the Borg are just like you and me. Original vintage images courtesy of...
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