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Feb23

Starblazer Comics

Posted By Mark on Feb 23, 2015

From 1979 through to 1991 D. C. Thomson & Company, Limited published 281 issues of a small format comics anthology called Starblazer. It was never as successful or as widely read as Commando, which I also used to collect, but the science fiction nerd inside me preferred Starblazer. For no other reason than the thought crossed my mind today I’ve decided to hunt down covers of the magazine from that there internet machine that I remember owning and reading. One of the first images I spotted and recognised was this from issue 15, Algol The Terrible. I confess I couldn’t quite remember what the plot of the story was but if you click on the image to follow the link you’ll see a great summary from Philip Sandifer. Via the comments on this io9 article (on Spanish pulp magazine covers, bizarrely) comes Nightmare Planet. Again, no recollection of the plot but if the cover is anything to go by – and with Starblazer comics that’s frequently not the case at all – then there’s a planet involved which has all manner of nastiness on its surface. The next load of photos I found via a post on Monster Brains – Starblazer – which led me to the Flickr photostream of Aeron Alfrey and the Starblazer album. To reiterate, I’m only going to include ones I remember having. I’m also going to explain the story’s plot in each case based solely on the artwork and/or title. There’s a chance this won’t be accurate. Robot Rebellion, the story of a rebellion… by robots! Or maybe just one robot. The title isn’t clear on that matter but what is apparent is that there’s no nobility in robot rebellions and shooting your fellow artificial lifeforms in the back is considered just fine. Isaac Asimov would have a fit if he saw this. The Drifters of Darga are an alien species that float across the surface of their planet making high-pitched noises (helium, you see) and helping adventurers who find themselves trapped in the local foliage. Because of their unfortunate skin patterns they’re considered terrifying by visitors. The story is a classic “don’t judge a book by its cover” tale which is precisely what I’m doing. I’ll never learn. The Machine Master is a simple story of slavery only with a master who is a machine, incapable of caring for its labour force. Despite this, the workers love the machine because the planet they’re working on has a higher-than-usual concentration of oxygen in the atmosphere. Light-headed japes and frequent fires fill the pages of this comic. The sand people from Star Wars make an...

Feb13

Desnuda En La Arena

Posted By Mark on Feb 13, 2015

Hey, do you remember back in the depths of summer of last year – July, to be precise – when I wrote about the 1970s Euro Porn stylings present in the German movie Lehrmädchen-Report? And do you remember what I said back then? This is potentially the first of a series of style showcases and mini reviews of 1970s European soft porn movies. Well, brace yourself for a review of another movie only this time it’s not really softcore porn, it’s from the sixties, it’s not European, and I’m not concentrating on the style! I know! Never let it be said I don’t know how to disappoint people in a myriad of ways! Desnuda en la Arena YouTube in its infinite wisdom (or finite algorithmic calculations) recommended a user’s channel to me based on my predilection for watching Cheesy Crud From Yesteryear (not an actual genre on YouTube but by gum it should be!) That led me to somewhere which led me to somewhere else which led me to spotting this particular movie listed down the right side of the screen: Desnuda En La Arena 1969 – Isabel Sarli. I didn’t know any Italian but I thought I could work out what this said: Des, nude in the arena. It turned out that the words were Spanish and not Italian though but as luck would have it I didn’t know any Spanish either yet still thought I could work out what this said: Des, nude in the arena. The question was: which Des? Lynam or O’Connor? You’ll be pleased to know the answer was neither and that this particular post isn’t going to get super weird and feature either of these fine stalwarts of British television entertainment stripped naked and fighting lions in front of a bloodthirsty and sexually aroused crowd. And if there’s no fan fiction describing precisely that scenario then I’ll be very disappointed with the internet. Very disappointed indeed. So, it’s not Des and he’s not naked. What is it then? Well, the plot according to Wikipedia is: The well known star of erotic movies, Isabel Sarli, plays Alicia a single mother who moves to Panama and starts working as a stripper deceiving men and making them the victims of her extortions. Pretty straightforward. I’d not heard of Isabel Sarli before but the retired actress is described as “a cultural icon”, a “sex symbol”, and, most importantly, John Waters really likes her. With gushing praise like that it would be impossible to not love this film, so let’s get on and start loving the film. The film opens on a beach, panning over some discarded bikini...

Feb02

Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing

Posted By Mark on Feb 2, 2015

Published in 1977 Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing was the first of Joachim Tung-Deprezant’s trilogy of space vacation novels. The book follows the exploits of hapless space vacationer Annabelle Starr and the occasionally humorous adventures that befall her as she chooses increasingly inappropriate clothing for her holiday destinations on distant worlds. On the planet Leonid Beta she finds that the natives’ belief in a beast god causes diplomatic problems due to a misunderstanding with her sexy panda costume; on the therapy moon of Lucifer 6 her silk kimono patterned with spider imagery leads to a fatal stampede on Arachnophobia Beach. One of the shorter tales is a brief stop on Frigeratia with only a bikini in her luggage, and this formed the pleasing inspiration for the front cover of the book. The sequels to Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing were progressively less well-received by the science fiction novel purchasing public. Anabelle’s Big Disco Space Vacation missed out on the international change in mood towards that form of music while Space Vacation: No Blacks was simply deemed racist and led to many questioning how the book even managed to get published at...

Jan24

Deflategate Audio Transcripts

Posted By Mark on Jan 24, 2015

The world of American Football is on edge as we await the concocted results of the NFL‘s incredible in-depth investigation into the manufactured outrage around Deflategate, that terrifying event between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts that is – at least in the NFL’s and the media’s “minds” – more serious than killing dogs, more harmful to the sport than beating up women in elevators, and more heinous than rewarding players for injuring opponents: playing a game with a ball ever-so-slightly less inflated with air than in the rule book! Some evidence has emerged… Intercepted telephone call #1: Four rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Listen very carefully, I will say this only once… Fucking telemarketers! Why don’t you all burn in a ditch?! Intercepted telephone call #2: Three rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Do not hang up, this is… What the hell is this shit? Is this someone playing a prank? (digitally altered voice) I am your NFL handler with instruc… What?! A robot? Why is a robot handling…? (no-longer digitally-altered voice) Oh for the love of money! This is your handler with explicit instructions regarding… I have a handler? What’s a handler? (sighs) Yes you have a handler! If you want to officiate in the NFL then yes, absolutely, you definitely have a handler and that’s me. Okay? Well… okay. I suppose. What’s your name? No names! You may refer to me as Agent L. Are you good L? I said no names! Oh! Oh, right, yes, yes, sorry. Sorry, I thought you were asking if I was Goodell. I’m just L. Okie dokie. What can I do for you then Agent Good L, wink, wink? Stop that! I have an important mission for you. If you do this right then I’ll see to it that you officiate in Superbowl fifty. Ooh! That’ll be nice. I hope it’s a simple mission. Indeed it is. You’ll be checking Tom Brady’s balls before the Colts game… Hey! That’s a horrible lie! I glanced that one time and that was all. I would never do that again! You know, I don’t think blackmail will work on… Shut up, shut up, shut up! How can you lot be so inept all the time? Before the game, okay?, the New England Patriots hand in their balls, okay?, and you check them, okay?, and then they go out onto the field, okay? Okay? Okay. Underinflate the balls on the way. That is all. Take all the air out? No! Just enough! Just enough to be below the allowed amount. Enough to increase the chances of the Colts winning. Hang on. Does the...

Jan15

Rutland High School Yearbook 1971

Posted By Mark on Jan 15, 2015

The Internet Archive is always a great place to have a virtual wander through if you’re forever finding yourself stuck in a timewarp of nostalgia like me. It doesn’t help you escape the timewarp of nostalgia – not that you’d ever want to because it’s nice there – but it does make it even more enjoyable. So, today’s discovery has been the the publications of the Rutland Historical Society and, in particular, the Rutland High School Yearbooks. You might have been able to work that out from the title of this post because I can see you and you look smart. It’s quite possible that some schools in the UK do yearbooks and possibly have for some some time but in my experience they’re a purely American phenomenon that I’ve heard about, seen glimpses of in films and on TV, and know next-to-nothing else about. This makes discovering scanned American high school yearbooks very interesting and for no other reason than it’s the year I was born in I’ve decided to take a nose through the Rutland High School Yearbook of 1971. The inside cover and evidence that before there were fonts there were still fonts. And what beautiful fonts they were! Look at that “70-71” and picture any other decade in which a more suitable font wrote something appropriate to the era. You can’t! Mostly because you’re not sure what I’m saying. I’m not sure what I’m saying and I just wrote it. I think I’m saying it’s quite seventiesish. A message from the superintendent Dr James Tinney. He knew that the students of Rutland High School were going to accomplish great things. But did he know know? Or did he get some kind of guidance through… … astrology!? No. It was neither of those things. He was just being polite. He couldn’t wait to see the back of them. But who is them? I’m glad you asked. David Cook. CRASH! Jan Eastman. D.A.R. girl. I dont know what a D.A.R. girl is. I think it’s probably got something to do with her hair. It’s quite impressive hair. Judy Godnick. Teensy-weensy bikinis and BIG MOUTH. Judy sounds like the sort of person I’d have liked. And she had a dune buggy. You never know when those will come in useful. You suspect it’s around dunes but you never know for sure. David Alberico. One of the Fantastic Four. I’ve ruled out Invisible Woman but he could be any of the other three. Richard Savage. Good head. Well, that’s nice to know. High schools were very progressive back in the early seventies. Barbara McKirryher. Which boy this week? The...

Jan11

Japanese TV Adverts

Posted By Mark on Jan 11, 2015

I don’t speak Japanese. I think that will become very obvious very quickly as I try to work out what these old TV adverts from Japan, home of bewildering imagery, are actually for. Let’s see. There are giant, flying insects, a man in a baseball uniform, crabs holding yellow boxes with chicken symbols on them, and a wind-up power cord winding in. This is probably an advert for Click Clack Cluck, a natural compound made from crab claws and cockerels that both repels insects and acts as a dampening field for electrical signals. Of course, it doesn’t work because if it did you wouldn’t be able to film the advert because of all the interference. That’s probably why the product ultimately failed in the market if I had to guess. That and the smell. I’m guessing Japanese people sometimes just fork up the money to brag about things. Take this woman who is both proud of her cleavage and her arm wrestling prowess. Watch as she defeats the latest challenger to her crown, an advanced robot killing machine from the Sony Corporation. “There can be only one,” she says with a mixture of pride and derision directed at the nation of Japan at the end. A pretty straightforward public service announcement here. If you’re not a sexual deviant then you can sit down without problems but if you feel the urge to stick things up your back passage then, well, you get what you deserve. In summary: things come out; things don’t go in. A lot is often said about the Japanese attitude towards family, especially elder members of the family, but this advert seems to show that the familial concern goes both ways as a doting grandfather happily shows that where his granddaughter is concerned he’s prepared to give up his arms to manufacture top quality soap for her flawless skin. Some products are so uniquely Japanese – Whale Hunting for Science Diplomas and Godzilla Deterrent Spray are frequently cited in lists like this – and this is another example. Arm Foam now comes in a canister. No more mixing it in a cauldron like your ancestors. If you’ve ever wondered why Japanese people don’t seem to spend much time at the beach – it’s the thought that’s kept me awake at night more often than any other – then the answer may just come from this old commercial which claims to have a juice drink guaranteed to appease the terrifying Bee People, mutant hybrids that inhabit the shorelines of Japan’s islands tormenting anyone foolhardy enough to risk a quick dip in the ocean. Like many adverts I...