Skills And Knowledge
I’ve got skills. They’re multiplying. But I’m not losing control because one of my skills is controlling multiplying skills. Which is handy. I also have knowledge. Lots of it. Sometimes my knowledge spills out and soils the sofa. Luckily I know the best way to remove knowledge stains from all types of upholstery. Let me share some of my skills and knowledge … SKILL: I can do something with my tongue that drives women absolutely wild!!!! By expelling air over its surface and carefully shaping the contours of my mouth I can form the words "Get in the kitchen and do the washing up." KNOWLEDGE: I know that on average the typical man or woman will only find a missing object in the last place they look a paltry 78% of the time. The remaining occasions are false positives resulting from von Neumann replicating machines having a laugh. SKILL: I can play the violin almost perfectly but like Cassandra I am cursed to never be heard correctly by anyone crazy enough to get close. Actually, it’s probably everyone else who’s cursed then. I am unable to sustain a long note on the violin though; I move the bow too fast and it falls off the side of the instrument before the next note is due. KNOWLEDGE: I know that journalism was bought out in a hostile takeover many years ago by public relations and, although they proclaim to be two disparate entities, they are, in fact, the same organism and maintain the illusion for tax reasons. I know that when the revolution comes they will be the first against the wall and the wall be pushed on top of them to save bullets and because it’s a slower death. SKILL: I can join two of my tentacles and jump through the hoop suffering only minor dislocation of the scapula. What dislocates with searing shocks only makes me stronger. KNOWLEDGE: I know what the precise location of the hour hand, minute hand, and second hand on my watch will be at the moment I die because it’s stopped and I can’t be bothered to get any new batteries. SKILL: I am able to ascertain whether a television channel has anything worth watching on it in the 0.015 seconds I view it before changing station. My other half doesn’t believe it’s possible but that’s because she was raised to put the television on and then not touch the remote control for the rest of the evening. Seriously, I let her have the remote once. Once. No, I don’t want to watch the advert for Toilet Duck. I don’t care that whatever’s...
Sense And Prejudice
For as long as anyone of import could recall the Thompsons had enjoyed a reputation of being among the most hospitable – and therefore liked – of the larger families along the Hampshire and Wiltshire border. The village which ran up to and around the southernmost tip of the Beaufort Park estate was gifted with lavish fetes on several occasions during each year and the head of the household, the retired doctor Ernest Thompson, welcomed all to his doorstep and never turned away so much as a vagrant or a Mancunian. The Thompson fortune came through several routes; slavery and sea cucumber cultivation – naturally -, wine production and the private practice of medicine – of course; for the grape was a fond friend to the aging ex-doctor -, and sundry enterprises for diversification was the key to success in the market after all. The Thompsons were rich and smart. There was immense sadness when the great fire at the Christmas gala took all but one member of the family from their place on God’s soil and ushered them swiftly into Heaven. Eliza Thompson, the youngest of the nieces in residence at Beaufort Park threw herself from an open window in the east tower, saving her life but taking in so much smoke and suffering so much shock from landing on Samson, the Great Dane, that she lapsed into a coma and was taken to be looked after in a clinic in nearby Whittingdon. In the aftermath of the blaze and quite shockingly for the gentle folk around there was surprise to discover that the dispersal of the family’s wealth was to be tied in knots for years to come following complacent will-keeping and the young girl’s lack of age. It was most unlike the Thompson family, the village muttered. Fancy not preparing for such an eventuality. But poor Eliza needed expensive care and a decision was made to sell the house – when such a feat became possible – and the land. The house was rebuilt largely for free by the local people out of love, reverence, and the need to keep moving as the cold of winter merely gave way to a cold and wet spring, a damp and quite cold summer, and an autumn that could best be described as cold. Finally, on very nearly the first anniversary of the inferno word reached the village that Beaufort Park had acquired a new owner. Harold Plimpton was the new master. From north, was the rumour, with no word of a wife. Rumours and whispers were all that were known for Mr Plimpton – as polar opposite from...
Stars Of The NFL
Almost a whole year ago I penned – using my keyboard – an article entitled American Football Explained wherein I explained the sport known as American Football (do you see how titles work?). As a result of that article I received many plaudits – none of which can be exchanged for goods or services in the shops so thankyou very much for nothing – but, more importantly, I filled from my ankles to just below my ears with the warm glow of knowing that I had helped some people, somewhere, somehow to understand and appreciate the sport I love so much. So now you know the rules of American Football and you’ve probably even picked a team to follow. Maybe it’s the Arizona Cardinals because you’re a bit funny like that. Well, what’s next? Yes, you need to pick up some useless facts about the people, places, and things of the sport with which you can bore friends in the pub. Let’s have a quick look at some of the Stars of the NFL. Bill Cowher Bill Cowher is the only head coach in the NFL to have been created by the Jim Henson company using leftover parts from the Electric Mayhem Band, most often seen on The Muppet Show. But don’t think for a second that he’s a puppet or some amazing animatronic gizmo: Bill Cowher is 100% alive and 125% chin. His creation was funded – in part – by sales of Pittsburgh’s Terrible Towels, a fact that burns him to the core and drives him to uncontrollable rage whenever he sees one. But Steeler’s fans are heartless beasts and wave them mercilessly anyway. Drawing much of his superhuman strength – like Samson – from his moustache, Cowher nevertheless relies on his most famous undermouth feature to control his tough football team. Capable of striking outwards like the inner mouth of the Alien Queen in Aliens, the Cowher Chin demands discipline and gets it. Steelers Quarterback "Big" Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger was very almost re-nicknamed "Chin-Impaled Vegetable Burger" for missing an open receiver early this season in the losing game against the Patriots. Luckily, some towel-waving distracted Cowher and the young QB survived. Brett Favre Brett has been the starting Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers since the formation of the NFL back in 1920. Possibly even longer. Some fans believe he – imbued with the powers of ancient Greek Titans – may even have created the NFL, forging it from stone broken from the banks of Green Bay itself. We call them "crazy fans". Everyone knows the NFL is made from plastic. More interesting than Favre...
Winter Sale!
Put the FUN back in FUNerals with the Amazing!, Incredible!, Astonishing! Wreathrous Oxide! available exclusively to neOnbubble. That’s not a rictus on Grandpa Joe’s face! That’s the last laugh and it’s on you! Solemn final goodbyes are so last year; take a leaf out of the book of laughing by that laughing gnome that David Bowie sang about and transform the next interment ceremony you attend into an entertainment ceremony that everyone will remember! It’s what Joe would have wanted, isn’t it? Nothing says "I’m going to miss you" like a wreath of leaves and flowers but go that extra yard and take along Wreathrous Oxide next time! Patented technology, genuine British ingenuity, a fresh-cut bouquet, and high-pressure N2O … that’s Nitrous Oxide to you scientists and 100% Laughing Gas to the rest of us mourners! Requiem For A Giggle! No more sad send-offs. Snigger and chortle through mass while the church or crematorium fills with the pleasing smell of hilarity. Approved by dentists! Everyone is dying to get their hands on Wreathrous Oxide! Notes: Choice of wreath styles! No liability if pallbearers drop the casket! Ages 2 and up! Price: £69.99 SALE: £54.99 You save over 20%! Have you just started working in an office and want to find a way to endear yourself to your colleagues quickly? Are you the office prankster looking for that killer new jape that will propel your reputation to dizzying new lows? Is the office prankster in serious need of being given a taste of his or her own medicine? If you answered "Yes" to any of those questions then you simply cannot do without the stunning Chear Trap, part of the unbelievable Executive Gadgetry range, a line we’re proud to call our own here at neOnbubble! With a choice of styles ranging from basic coloured fabric swivel chairs right up to the Luxury Leather Recliner Office Deluxe model and all with a built-in pressure-sensitive trap device capable of incapacitating a fully-grown grizzly bear you’re bound to find a model just perfect for your place of work. Simply swap an existing seat for the fantastic Chear Trap (delivery usually 5-7 days), sit back, and wait for the hysterics to begin. Hysterics guaranteed! An office that laughs together, loves together! Your inner clown will love it! And when you see the quality of workmanship and fantastic results obtained at a price that’s too low to be feasible your inner accountant will smile a little too! Notes: Easy to clean, blood-resistant! Comes with 1-year guarantee! Bear not included! Price: From £89.99 SALE: From £39.99 Better than half...
Halloween Terrorscope
It seems like only two months ago that I wrote my Spooky Horror Tales Of Terror in anticipation of the Halloween to come and yet here I am about to allow the seasonal theme to interfere and warp another update around its sinewy interfery fingers of interference. Of course, I’m all storied out of diabolical yarns of horrific happenstance so why not welcome back the incredibly devilish and devilishly incredible prognosticator of fate, last seen around Easter, yes, it’s the Terrorscope! Aries The Ram (March 21 – April 19) As the nights grow longer so too will your back hair and it’s going to be a real adventure on the morning after Halloween when you will be forced to take a machete and trim it all back. Somewhere on your trek to reclaim your dorsal epidermis you will come across the ruins of a long-extinct South American culture and will explore the ruins. Much treasure awaits you inside but it’s all located in the gut of a ravenous Back Beast with the unlikely yet surprisingly accurate name of Super Swift Hungry Hungry Harpo. Your death will confuse coroners and will be rejected as a plot line for CSI: Miami. Lucky Care Bear: Maim-A-Lot Taurus The Bull (April 20 – May 20) You will meet someone wearing an amazingly lifelike Michael Jackson mask on the eve of Halloween and be compelled to invite them around the following day for a party – something the person accepts – safe in the knowledge that the very lifelikiness prohibits the stranger from actually being Michael Jackson. Drunk and in bed together later – fully clothed, mind! – the mask will fall off and you will see the real Michael Jackson underneath. Your initial terror will be tempered when you realise that this too is a mask and you and the wacky prankster himself, the Great Cthulhu, will enjoy a nighttime game called I Will Devour Your Head Mortal Moron. Actually, you will not enjoy it quite as much as your guest. Lucky Injury: Popped Eyeball Gemini The Twins (May 21 – June 20) Halloween or All Hallows Eve will forever be renamed All Garden Gnomes Keep Swinging Their Fishing Rods Into My Exposed Openings Eve from this year on for Geminis. Strangely, the garden gnomes you assume to be responsible for the various and painful insertions are really being framed by Leprechauns in disguise who are upset at their portrayal by actor Warwick Davis in numerous films and wish to deflect the terror. This will be of little consolation when a ringworm infection transferred by fishing hook to your rectal regions leads to...
Giraffes and me, c.1920 to c.1945
Now it’s interesting that you bring up the subject of "giraffes" because – and stop me if I’ve told you this before – I had the pleasure of being a close friend of celebrated giraffe explorer Gerald Affable back in the early 20s. Of course, many people claimed to know him back then. Well, without TV and with radio broadcasts in their awful infancy it simply meant you had to get out and about and mingle to avoid the onset of The Deadly Fugue sweeping Europe. That caught my cousin, you know. Sat in a chair and stared into the space on the cabinet set aside for the television set when it was invented. Couldn’t snap her out of it. Sold her into white slavery as a "fixer-upper" and bought some Rennie Mackintosh lamps. I wonder what happened to them. They’d be worth a fortune now. Anyway, Gerald Affable; one of the surviving intelligent animals bred by the Kaiser but which failed to accept their brainwashing and refused to attack our boys in Northern France towards the end of the Great War in case you don’t remember. Really, what do they teach kids in school these days? Oh, but he drew the crowds in Paris after his successful exploration into deepest Chad in 1919 to find the fabled and geographically-challenged Goat-headed Goat of Upper Volta. There wasn’t a place Gerald couldn’t get into – well, allowing for the obvious height restrictions for a full-grown giraffe – but the constant limelight eventually bothered him and he took to drinking to blank out the hangers-on and well-wishers and ne’er-do-wells and will-o-the-wisps and such. Which is where I fit in. We shared a taste for absinthe and a sense of humour that baffled many Parisians throughout the various arrondissements and, blind drunkenly, lived off his fame for a good few years. The old Moulin Rouge was a favourite haunt. High ceilings and some semblance of privacy in the booths at the back plus, of course, dancing girls and copious amounts of alcohol. Perfect. Until his demise naturally. We really thought the chandelier would take the weight. Ah, I must digress. Now not long after this I fell in love. It wasn’t the first or last time I’d fallen in love but it was the first and last time it had been with a human constructed by the insane Dr Gelatin out of New Zealand. Well, "human" may be too strong a word for her. Her head was very nearly right – if you stopped counting her eyes after two and ignored the obvious seashells – but most of the other parts were...
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