Desnuda En La Arena
Hey, do you remember back in the depths of summer of last year – July, to be precise – when I wrote about the 1970s Euro Porn stylings present in the German movie Lehrmädchen-Report? And do you remember what I said back then? This is potentially the first of a series of style showcases and mini reviews of 1970s European soft porn movies. Well, brace yourself for a review of another movie only this time it’s not really softcore porn, it’s from the sixties, it’s not European, and I’m not concentrating on the style! I know! Never let it be said I don’t know how to disappoint people in a myriad of ways! Desnuda en la Arena YouTube in its infinite wisdom (or finite algorithmic calculations) recommended a user’s channel to me based on my predilection for watching Cheesy Crud From Yesteryear (not an actual genre on YouTube but by gum it should be!) That led me to somewhere which led me to somewhere else which led me to spotting this particular movie listed down the right side of the screen: Desnuda En La Arena 1969 – Isabel Sarli. I didn’t know any Italian but I thought I could work out what this said: Des, nude in the arena. It turned out that the words were Spanish and not Italian though but as luck would have it I didn’t know any Spanish either yet still thought I could work out what this said: Des, nude in the arena. The question was: which Des? Lynam or O’Connor? You’ll be pleased to know the answer was neither and that this particular post isn’t going to get super weird and feature either of these fine stalwarts of British television entertainment stripped naked and fighting lions in front of a bloodthirsty and sexually aroused crowd. And if there’s no fan fiction describing precisely that scenario then I’ll be very disappointed with the internet. Very disappointed indeed. So, it’s not Des and he’s not naked. What is it then? Well, the plot according to Wikipedia is: The well known star of erotic movies, Isabel Sarli, plays Alicia a single mother who moves to Panama and starts working as a stripper deceiving men and making them the victims of her extortions. Pretty straightforward. I’d not heard of Isabel Sarli before but the retired actress is described as “a cultural icon”, a “sex symbol”, and, most importantly, John Waters really likes her. With gushing praise like that it would be impossible to not love this film, so let’s get on and start loving the film. The film opens on a beach, panning over some discarded bikini...
Portsmouth, Alien Invasion – Home Defence
Defending the city of Portsmouth from the Squirmy Munge was vitally important, of course, but as a popular phrase of the time reminded citizens “Defence starts at your doorstep!” and so it was that many homes in and around the island became highly fortified structures. Popular means of improving one’s house included: Asbestos coating, to act as fire retardant. Steel shutters for the windows to protect from shrapnel. Holy water fonts (as some people considered – and weren’t dissuaded from considering by the church who sold and installed the fonts – that the aliens were sent by Satan). Electrified door knockers (eventually forbidden in the city owing to high numbers of postmen requiring hospitalisation and a general acceptance that that Squirmy Munge probably wouldn’t knock anyway). But there were also some very innovative attempts at protecting property too. Two streets in Milton painted a mural of grass, trees, and large boulders on their rooftops in an attempt to fool any passing Squirmy Munge fighter bombers into targeting elsewhere. Either the aliens were not fooled or they were just clumsy or lucky because an evening raid in October 1921 proved very costly for the neighbourhood with two thirds of the buildings...
A Meeting Room, Somewhere…
“Heil Hitler!” said with a snap and a proud billowing of the cheeks. The guard shuffled into attention trying to hide some of the slouching that invariably comes from hours of dull duty. “Heil Hitler,” came the perfunctory reply as Oberleutnant Schmidt bounded into the office. As he expected, the room – if you didn’t include the guard (Friedrich? He wanted to say Friedrich) and himself – was unoccupied. Naturally, he was dead on time for the meeting and naturally he would be made to wait again. Schmidt picked one of the pad chairs and settled into it facing the office’s only other piece of furniture, a desk hewn from local rock and topped off with a thin sheet of steel cannibalised from the force’s now-useless lead exploration craft. To pass the time he closed his eyes and listened to his surroundings; his own, heavy breathing (this environment didn’t help); the low-pitched whirr of the ventilation system recycling the air for the ten thousandth time; just at the limits of audibility the hint of a couple of other discussions elsewhere in the structure echoed through into the semi-circular room. He felt he sensed rather than heard the general approaching but he conceded quickly his subconscious may have simply alerted him to the sounds he was zoning out of hearing. How long had he been there? He glanced at the clock on the wall. Under five minutes. Not too bad. The general and another soldier – the Festungswerkmeister, or fortress works master – entered and acknowledged the guard’s voiced salute. Friedrich was dismissed with a wave of the general’s hand leaving the three men alone. “Why, generaloberst, you’re very nearly on time!” said Schmidt, who hadn’t bothered to stand for the other two. The general grunted and slumped onto the pad chair opposite Schmidt. The fortress works master, Schroeder, smiled weakly and nodded at the oberleutnant as he took the seat next to him. “Schroeder, you’re to begin preparations for dismantling of the defences – as much as possible – and restoring the Kalkgrund to service,” said the general flatly. Two sets of eyes widened at that statement. “We’re leaving under our own power?” asked Schmidt, shifting slightly. “There are no reinforcements coming?” “We are, and there aren’t,” answered the general. “There will be no need for reinforcements because as we’ve all surmised over the past half year here there is nothing to reinforce against. This has been a colossal waste of time and effort.” He took a breath. “Naturally,” he added, “the fault lies not with our leaders but with the cunning of the enemy.” “Of course. Naturally,” answered...
SyFy Movies: Road Bees And More
From the always fantastic World of Crap is this list of 10 SyFy Original Movies Coming Soon: Washed up alcoholic alcoholic Fray Bentos (Michael Madsen) is worried about all the bees in his backwater truckstop from hell. So when qualified lifeguard and troubleshooter Dalton Timothy (Tara Reid) comes on the scene, they team up to take out the trash, the lowlives, and the bees that control the government of this backwater West Dakota town. Just part of the description of the Michael Madsen and Tara Reid piece Road Bees. Other movies in the list include Shark Fork and Terrorist Alligator, with each film expertly illustrated...
Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing
Published in 1977 Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing was the first of Joachim Tung-Deprezant’s trilogy of space vacation novels. The book follows the exploits of hapless space vacationer Annabelle Starr and the occasionally humorous adventures that befall her as she chooses increasingly inappropriate clothing for her holiday destinations on distant worlds. On the planet Leonid Beta she finds that the natives’ belief in a beast god causes diplomatic problems due to a misunderstanding with her sexy panda costume; on the therapy moon of Lucifer 6 her silk kimono patterned with spider imagery leads to a fatal stampede on Arachnophobia Beach. One of the shorter tales is a brief stop on Frigeratia with only a bikini in her luggage, and this formed the pleasing inspiration for the front cover of the book. The sequels to Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing were progressively less well-received by the science fiction novel purchasing public. Anabelle’s Big Disco Space Vacation missed out on the international change in mood towards that form of music while Space Vacation: No Blacks was simply deemed racist and led to many questioning how the book even managed to get published at...
Deflategate Audio Transcripts
The world of American Football is on edge as we await the concocted results of the NFL‘s incredible in-depth investigation into the manufactured outrage around Deflategate, that terrifying event between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts that is – at least in the NFL’s and the media’s “minds” – more serious than killing dogs, more harmful to the sport than beating up women in elevators, and more heinous than rewarding players for injuring opponents: playing a game with a ball ever-so-slightly less inflated with air than in the rule book! Some evidence has emerged… Intercepted telephone call #1: Four rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Listen very carefully, I will say this only once… Fucking telemarketers! Why don’t you all burn in a ditch?! Intercepted telephone call #2: Three rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Do not hang up, this is… What the hell is this shit? Is this someone playing a prank? (digitally altered voice) I am your NFL handler with instruc… What?! A robot? Why is a robot handling…? (no-longer digitally-altered voice) Oh for the love of money! This is your handler with explicit instructions regarding… I have a handler? What’s a handler? (sighs) Yes you have a handler! If you want to officiate in the NFL then yes, absolutely, you definitely have a handler and that’s me. Okay? Well… okay. I suppose. What’s your name? No names! You may refer to me as Agent L. Are you good L? I said no names! Oh! Oh, right, yes, yes, sorry. Sorry, I thought you were asking if I was Goodell. I’m just L. Okie dokie. What can I do for you then Agent Good L, wink, wink? Stop that! I have an important mission for you. If you do this right then I’ll see to it that you officiate in Superbowl fifty. Ooh! That’ll be nice. I hope it’s a simple mission. Indeed it is. You’ll be checking Tom Brady’s balls before the Colts game… Hey! That’s a horrible lie! I glanced that one time and that was all. I would never do that again! You know, I don’t think blackmail will work on… Shut up, shut up, shut up! How can you lot be so inept all the time? Before the game, okay?, the New England Patriots hand in their balls, okay?, and you check them, okay?, and then they go out onto the field, okay? Okay? Okay. Underinflate the balls on the way. That is all. Take all the air out? No! Just enough! Just enough to be below the allowed amount. Enough to increase the chances of the Colts winning. Hang on. Does the...
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