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Apr17

Mugging

Posted By Mark on Apr 17, 2005

David from Fuddland was recently mugged by two men leaving him minus credit cards and phone after the experience. Mugging is a horrible thing to have happen to anyone and I, like I’m sure most people, hope that David isn’t affected too badly from this. Also, I, like I’m sure most people, hope that the muggers are caught by someone outside the police force at some point in the near future and have their fingers broken and teeth extracted without anaesthetic. Ooh, and a couple of beer bottles shoved up their respective recta. Wide end first. And the word ‘mugger’ etched into their foreheads with a couple of razor blades separated by a match to make stitching up troublesome at best. And one foot burnt to a crispy nubbin with a blowtorch. Yes, that’s right; I have left-wing politics right up until we reach dealing with antisocial and serious crime. Then I’m a "public flogging", "hand-chopping", "let’s bring back Victorian-style forty-to-a-cell, no TV, one shared and purposely blocked toilet prison vengeance" sort of guy. I’ve never been mugged and I’d like to think that’s because I’m quite a scary prospect for any mugger to take on. I’d like to think that but I think hardly ever leaving my house and looking like someone your average opportunistic robber is more likely to take pity on than attack on the off-chance I’m an eccentric millionaire who likes to dress down and mingle with the plebs probably has some bearing on the matter too. In any event, if the thought of being mugged has now worried you then you can relax because there are some simple steps that you can take to fend off muggers. Some people will charge you for this information but I am happy to provide it for free. A £24.99 value bargain deal! Bargain! Martial Arts Martial artistry as a defence is an obvious way to protect yourself not only from muggers but also people with clipboards in shopping centres. "Excuse me, do you have time to answer a few questions on your gas and electric usage?" "Hiiiii-yaaaa! No. And that’ll need stitches." Of course there are many martial arts to consider, they cost money, and many people don’t have the patience to sit through the first nine months of learning how to fall and slap the floor before they are shown anything useful like the Golden Dragon Poke-Em-In-The-Eye Attack or the Chuckling Mole Spin-Of-Confusion or the Coughing Tax Inspector Chinese-Burn. Mind ye not, though, because there are some very basic and very effective manoeuvres that anyone can do with no training and only a 96% chance of...

Apr15

Thankyou spoon

Posted By Mark on Apr 15, 2005

I had this great article lined up – you’d have loved it – with bears and dragons and an inflatable Jay Leno doll (with realistic chin) and a protagonist called Herbert Mumpscarrier, and I told my friend about it and my friend was like all "Wow!" and he said that it’d be a great article and I should write it and I said I would and we, like, totally thought it would be cool, and then my friend said he was going to lie in bed until I’d finished it because there was just no way that anything in the world would stop him from reading this article, especially now that there was going to be an underwater bit with Daryl Hannah reprising her role from Mermaid only with a trident and she’d be out for revenge on Tom Hanks for having a good career which is so what she’s like my other friend says, and so my first friend got into his bed – which isn’t in my house because I’m not a gay like you, you gay – and he was like really, really excited about the article and I said he’d have to wait just a bit because the engineer from NTL who are the people who supply my cable TV and broadband was coming around to upgrade me to a 2MB line and that would make the article even faster and I could include the dream sequence where Herbert sees actor Kier Dullea from 2001 bodypopping in his kitchen and that’s how he invents the cabbage, and my friend was so, like, wow! groovy! and his legs couldn’t keep still under the blanket from excitement he said and I had to go and wait for the NTL man and then he turned up and … Seven days later I have my TV and lovely-jubbly fast broadband back and working. Seven days. Nine phonecalls. Ten customer service people. Four different excuses. Four promised callbacks. One actual callback. One screaming, crying girlfriend. One accusation of not treating a customer service agent like a human being. One hanging-up on a customer service agent. Three messages left on phone, one from Managing Director of NTL, Alan Grant. Two hours in total on phone listening to the same hold music over and over and over again. Doo-doo doo doo-de-doo dur-dur-dur de-de, doo-doo doo … I have been aided in the past week with my troubles. Administrator Nemesis from cableforum.co.uk was able to act as a go-between in escalating my problem up to MD-level. If you have a problem with NTL, if no-one else can help you, and if you can...

Apr03

Girls Aloud: Pictures and information

Posted By Mark on Apr 3, 2005

I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either. Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on. Who Are Girls Aloud? That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining. Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old...

Mar29

Imaginary Furry Psychopaths

Posted By Mark on Mar 29, 2005

Is there something missing in your life? Are your family causing you trouble through repeated coaxing to get yourself a furry psychopath? Do your friends look down on you because you’re the only one not being stalked by an obsessive, mentally-deranged, costumed nutcase? Or are you just in need of a little excitement? Imaginary Furry Psychopaths With an Imaginary Furry Psychopath you can engage in a realistic-looking, yet nearly controllable (to some level) relationship with the psychotic deviant of your dreams – or nightmares, haha! You tell us how you met, where you met, send us one item of clean underwear, and supply any additional personal details you feel are pertinent to completely fool those who really know you; just let us handle the rest. Each short- or long-term terrifying experience with an Imaginary Furry Psychopath is completely unique and you can choose the level of service you feel comfortable with and when you’d like it to end. If you’re lucky the feeling will be mutual. Just Like A Real Furry Psychopath! The furries are real but their psychotic disorders are exagerrated slightly! This amazing service is easy-to-use and fun until you try to quit. When you’ve had enough we’ll do our best to warn the police your life or various orifices are in genuine danger! The I.F.P. Service At neOnbubble we’re all accomplished experts in the field of stalking – many of us with multiple restraining orders and rooms filled with souvenirs from various celebrities’ sock drawers and bath overflow pipes – and the Imaginary Furry Psychopath service includes a rising scale of harrassment honed and perfected over many man-years of masturbating in bushes outside windows: friendly emails, not-quite-so-friendly emails with candid photos, adversorial blood-written letters, messages left on your answer phone or calls to your school, home, or workplace, your underwear returned, used, secret photographs or video footage of you taken by your psychopath, delivered in stained packaging, home intrusion, and much, much more! There’s really no limit to what some of our fabulous Imaginary Furry Psychopaths can come up with in their minds and we find that surprise and real, unrestrained terror makes our service the best bar none. Featured Imaginary Furry Psychopath Profiles Foxy Francesca Will Stalk: Males only. I’m based in New York, NY. I’m 28 and I’m a professional weightlifter when I’m not making your life a living misery, LOL! SPECIALITIES: Graphic emails Pet kidnapping Undraped photos hand-posted MORE ABOUT ME: I was privately tutored growing up because teachers kept disappearing. I learnt that a lack of direct evidence will keep you out of jail but the authorities will still keep an eye...

Mar24

Easter Terrorscope

Posted By Mark on Mar 24, 2005

If you’ve been following neOnbubble since its early days as an HTML page with tables! on the information supercul-de-sac then you need a new hobby but you’ll possibly remember that the Terrorscope was one of the founding fathers of this site producing such memorable occasions as "the time it accurately predicted Tony Blair’s reign of unbridled horror" and "the time its predicted winner of the Grand National’s last vision of Earth turned out to be a vet with a shotgun before the race had started" and "the time I forgot to update it for three months and nobody noticed". Ah, glorious days in a previous century. This site has been through a few transformations since then – porn site, not porn site, porn site, not porn site -, none of which were ever foreseen by the amazing precognitive powers of the incredible Terrorscope, but that’s no reason not to bring it out of mothballs and resurrect it for a special one-off Easter special. There are plenty of valid reasons; that just isn’t one of them. Aries The Ram (March 21 – April 19) Remember how the Son of God died for our sins? Well, keep that in mind when the intruder breaks into your house over this weekend. He’s going to be mentally unhinged and he’s going to commit unspeakable atrocities about your person but, on the plus side, Jesus has already forgiven him. You may even find that you develop a liking for scatology after the upcoming shit- and gore-fest – if you haven’t already – so every cloud and all that! Practice typing with your nose and ask your friends and family to start calling you "Stumpy" now so the abuse from the kids across the street won’t send you spiralling into a suicidal depression. Lucky Marx Brother: Karl Taurus The Bull (April 20 – May 20) Everyone knows that Taureans just love their food and, thanks to a ferociously fast-breeding tapeworm infection you’re going to find you literally can’t get enough of the stuff from Easter Sunday onwards. The weight will simply drop off you in the coming months and any attempts to remove the organism from your internal organs will lead to haemmorhaging and excruciating shocks delivered to your spinal cord. Oh yes, I forgot; it’s an electric tapeworm. Expect your death from malnutrition before the end of the year and start planning your funeral arrangements now to save your family the trouble. Lucky Mental Illness: Melancholia Gemini The Twins (May 21 – June 20) An unexploded World War 2 bomb will fulfill the role it was built for on Saturday morning and one lucky...

Mar22

Cowgirls of the Wild West

Posted By Mark on Mar 22, 2005

I watched the Roger Corman classic western "Gunslinger" just the other night. You know you’re in for a feast of powerful-woman-powered drama when the words "Roger" and "Corman" are anywhere near a movie and in that specific order – much like "Jerry" and "Bruckheimer" has you making sure the sick bucket is handy before sitting down to torture yourself – and this was no let-down. Could have done with more exposed mammaries with satellites captured in their own gravity wells but that’s just a personal preference. It did feature unerotic, manly, can-can dancers though so at least one of my many, many, many, sick fetishes was addressed. The film got me thinking about female cowboys, or cowgirls as they’re known, and not just in the obvious way. Mostly in the obvious way, though. A good couple of days worth, at least. Sexual Equality In The Wild, Wild West Corman knew, as I do and you soon will, that, far from being a man’s world where the men were real men with real hats and the women were content to be passengers on wagons or prostitutes in saloons, the true Wild West was a haven of equal rights affording men and women the same opportunities to don gunbelts and rob banks or dress up pretty and allow a whiskey-soaked prospector to swap his nugget of gold for a night of passion and fleas and chairs cracked over the spine when the poker being played downstairs reached the all-important Cheating Accusation Round and the compulsory brawl spilt out into the street and up the stairs. Today we owe much of what we know about the halcyon days of the cowboy and his rapid expansion over the dead bodies of native Americans from the explosion of machismo-fueled spaghetti westerns that came out of Italy, Spain, Finland, Sri Lanka, and the other countries where spaghetti was still herded until recently. It’s all too easy to forget the old black and white serials that ran in cinemas in the 1940s and 1950s with titles such as "Rustler Girls Of Idaho" and "Captain John Johnson, The Best Damn Dancer In Texas!" What Did Cowgirls Actually Do? The role of the cowboy or cowgirl has become confused deliberately by the film industry over the years because a two hour film featuring Clint Eastwood repairing fences, herding cows to new grazing land, and shooting into the woods when a Frenchman’s craving for steak de cheval becomes too much to control and he wanders too close simply wouldn’t have coaxed the audiences in. In general a cowgirl did pretty much that; fence-mending, general ranch-work, making the cows look...