Road House
How was your Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? That’s great. I got World Peace. No batteries though. Never mind. I also got Road House on DVD. Road House. Patrick Swayze film. On DVD. Yes, that’s right. Yes, you may feel jealous. Okay, stop feeling jealous. Instead, feel dread as I dissect this classic piece of movie history in lieu of writing anything more appealing. Road House is directed by Rowdy Herrington with aplomb – and, in parts, two plombs – and no, I’d never heard of him either. Apparently he also directed Gladiator. But not that Gladiator. The one with Cuba Gooding Jr and Brian Dennehy. No. Me neither. I’d guess Dennehy was a bad cop though. So what’s the story? Patrick Swayze plays Dalton. Dalton is not just a bouncer: he’s a famous bouncer! Possibly even more famous than the most famous bouncer you can think of. Go on. Really think of a famous bouncer. Well, Dalton is more famous than that. And he’s the second best in the business. The bouncing business. As our movie starts Dalton is doing what bouncers do at a little place called Band Stand, a club popular with the tone deaf and those afflicted with no natural rhythm that turns its nose up at DJs and other modern contraptions and only allows live country rock bands. Permed hair is big and cowboy hats are common so we know without being told that this film is: made in the 1980s, set in Incestville, U.S.A., going to make us cry at some point. Standing at the end of the bar with arms folded, scanning the crowd, being watched by a mysterious stranger wearing one of those string ties that cowboys wear and which look kinda cool in a "kinda cool on anyone but me" kinda way, bopping his head up and down very, very nearly in time with the song being massacred on stage, Dalton’s superior bouncing sixth sense suddenly starts to tingle. That smashed glass sound! The money slammed on the table! The knife! The kick! The woman on the floor! It can only mean Bouncer Warning Alert Amber! But Dalton’s the second best in the business and his bouncers soon have the matter in hand. And then they let the angry man go so he can stab Dalton in the arm. Perhaps if they’d been trained by the best in the business they might not have done that but who can really tell what goes on in the magical world of Bouncerdom. Our angry man tells Dalton he’s always wanted to "try" him and I think it’s a sentiment we...
Torturers Union Xmas Newsletter
Dear Member, Merry Christmas to you! Welcome to another packed issue of our regular newsletter. We hope you still continue to find it interesting and relevant in today’s torturing world but we’re always eager to receive feedback on ways to improve the service written in your victims’ blood. In this issue: Torturer Of The Month Eye-Gouging: Hints And Tips We Need Your Help Competition Your Letters Torturer Of The Month What a month it’s been! In Azerbaijan Vlasijak The Cruel And Unusual broke the record for most red-hot pokers up the back passage of a political prisoner. Well done Vlasijak! The record is unofficial, of course, because of the rule that prohibits the Guinness organisation from recognising any record that could be considered dangerous – dangerous? Vlasijak is the consummate professional! – but we’re confident that next year we can get a few members in for a little chat and see if we can’t persuade them to enact a little rule-change. I know we do it every month but we can’t talk about torturers the world over without mentioning ex-union President Simon Cowell’s continued service to the industry. A lifetime achievement award can only be a matter of "when" and not "if" now so why not place a bet at your local bookies? Torturer Of The Month for December, however, must go to Canada’s own Rodney Pleasure. For a select few of us in the industry Rodney put on a private show a couple of weeks ago featuring twelve of his favourite Quebec mountain men detainees. Over the past year Rodney has perfectly pitched each of their individual screams and the resulting performance of Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus was truly a wonder to behold. The event was filmed, DVDs are expected to be available in the new year, and the rumour is they’ll also include a special version of The Gap Band’s Oops Upside Your Head. Start practicing your rowing now. Congratulations Rodney! Eye-Gouging: Hints And Tips We had a great deal of positive responses to last month’s brief guide to heating metal spoons and placing them on open wounds so we’ve decided to make it a new regular feature. This month: eye-gouging! The first bit of advice we can offer is always keep a small bowl of warm water, some soap, and a towel, or, alternatively, some moist wipes handy if you think you might engage in some gouging. I know we’re pretty evenly split among the "planned torturing" and "play it by torn ear" camps from our July poll but a little preparation is a must even for the most spontaneous of us. The reason for this is...
My favourite insects
It is often said that you can split people into two very large groups: dog people and cat people. Nastassja Kinski starred in ‘Cat People’ and I once stayed up late to watch it in the hope that she would get her kit off; she’s foreign and they do those sorts of things in films they show late. I was immensely disappointed. Immensely. So, yes, dog people and cat people: dog people, naturally, are generally imbecilic in nature, easily controlled, have poor personal hygiene, and have some form of mental block that prevents them acknowledging any of these INDISPUTABLE FACTS OF NATURE so indisputable they are always capitalised and often displayed in a font three sizes larger than normal, coloured red, and made to blink in a manner that affects epileptics. Not on my site though, and, cat people are intelligent, independent, and prone to throwing up furballs, mysterious bones, and whole, live seagulls. I am a cat person and, just like Nastassja Kinski in the immensely disappointing and previously-mentioned film whose name shall not be repeated, my clothes are currently on and have been for quite some time now. I’m also an insect person. But not by choice. Insects really, really like me. Maybe I have a natural funk. Perhaps I generate an electric field 180 degrees out of phase with those gadgets you can plug into your mains sockets to brainwash spiders to cocoon the man next door who is always, always hammering something and, God help me!, if the spiders don’t get him then I’m going to end up in an asylum for homeowners who finally cracked. And possibly it’s my predilection for dabbing my neck and wrists with Calvin Klein’s Eternity For Arthropods before I leave the house. We just have to accept this may be one of life’s little unsolved mysteries. I might have to telephone Robert Stack and find out. Having got this far I’m now prepared to stake money on the fact that one of you – my favourite one – is now thinking "Wow, Mark, you an insect person? That’s great! I wish I was. Say, it would be really neat if you let us in on some interesting insects while you’re on the subject. That would really make my day and might make me put off my killing spree till after next weekend." Well, how could I possibly refuse? Nasal Earlice What is ear wax? Is it, in fact, just wax? And what exactly is wax? And what does ‘what’ mean? If you restricted your personal grooming to once a year (on your birthday) then could you use your ears...
The future of dating
It’s no secret to those who I’ve shared the secret to that I am the "Go To Guy" when it comes to arranging dates. I’ve helped so many people out with their single, lonely existences that I am assured a gold plated throne in Heaven when I die, not that I ever will thanks to that one time when God needed an escort pronto! "Omniscience and omnipotence only get you so far but Mark’s connections and expertise are truly eternal." That’s what God said aftewards. Said I could put it on business cards and even use the By Appointment To The Supreme Being logo too. That God: what a guy! So what’s the next "big thing" in dating circles? Is it, in fact, a big thing? Well, for some maybe, but the big thing was only really a big thing at the end of the seventies and the early eighties. Obviously, in the meantime we’ve been through blind dating, not dating, swinging, hand dating, freemasonry, virtual dating, the Abu Ghraib Experience, dogging, and, recently, speed dating. They’ve all been great and have led to many, many long-term partnerships forming but I know that a great many of my readers are still firmly ensconced in that metaphorical lead casket of stigma marked "Here Lies A Dateless Wonder". Can I help? Can I possibly divulge the next big thing and give my loyal singletons a head-start, a chance for happiness? If I can’t then this article is going to be shorter than planned. Date The Elderly There have been some high-profile examples of this happening already – Anna, Catherine, and Liza’s bodyguard; I’m looking at you kids – but relationships with pensioners who don’t have any money is set to go mainstream in 2005. Guaranteed! You read it here first! Think about it: widows, widowers, spinsters, and those who have just got out after serving 25 years are an untapped oil well in the tumultuous dating arena and they have a great deal to offer men and women of the current generation who just can’t seem to meet Mr or Miss Right. Do you know anyone your own age who knows the secrets of wearing multiple layers of clothing and coats during the Summer without dying? No, you don’t. But that’s a skill you may need when you’re in your seventies and the world’s energy crises collapse and form one terminal megacrisis. Date the elderly now and learn how to survive the future. Where Can You Find "The Elderly?" You don’t just find them hanging from trees, ha ha. No, inexpensive aspirin and paracetamol have made that totally unnecessary these days....
Christians
First off, a tip of the hat to the lovely Gia for bringing to my attention the sheer unadulterated delights that exist at Chick.com. Secondly, a tip of the hat to parody law. God bless you and all who use you. So, what is Chick.com? Is it a site about chicks, babes, and sexy thangs? No. Is it a site about poultry? No. Is it a site showcasing the work of Jack Chick, apparently America’s leading proponent of literature aimed at scaring children into being Christians whilst simultaneously pointing out how all other religions are going to hell. Except for the Jews. But only if they repent and become Christians. Why, yes it is! Words cannot do the site justice. You must check it out for yourself. But, to help you along I’ve picked out some highlights from the range of cartoon strips for children: "If you believe in evolution instead of Jesus you’ll end up in hell". Roman Catholics are really Baal cultists. Wait, let’s double-check that. Catholic? Yes, you’re going to hell. England’s decline is God’s punishment for ignoring Jews. "I feel so sorry for all the kids who’ll be tricked into thinking it’s okay to be gay … because [they won’t go to heaven]". Call yourself a Hindu? I’m sorry, you mean ‘devil worshipper’. Live a good life, go to hell. Murder, rape, maim, but repent at the last second and go to heaven. Welcome to Christianity: The Fair Religion. Sure, being a buddhist looks good and certainly seems to bring out the best in people but reincarnation ain’t happening and you’re going to be judged and thrown in the pit of hell for all eternity. Sorry. Invite mormons into your house and question their faith before they question yours. Guaranteed Salt Lake City woe or your money back! And the latest and greatest is … Let’s tell muslims that Mohammed was a paedophile! It must be hard work being a Christian in Jack Chick’s world. Not only is there all that devout following of God and strict adherence to the Bible (except for the bits that don’t count) but there’s also all the important missionary work involved in telling other cultures where they’re going wrong, why they’re going to hell, and why they should be damn thankful there’s an alternative out there to their devil-worshipping/paedophiliac/cultist (* delete as applicable) sham of a choice of worship. I’m a fan of evil. But there’s the good sort of evil and then there’s religious evil. The work of Jack Chick – in my opinion – is some of the most incarnately evil ever, sadly, published. Indoctrinating children to...
American Football Explained
Warning! Long post! You probably won’t read this! Warning! In time for Thanksgiving and not in any way, shape, or form complete or remotely comprehensible! Both I and my other half are keen followers of American Football despite the fact that neither of us are American and only one of us was created in a laboratory from an old football, some nails, and a wind-up toy frog. Ribbet. I follow – and have done so since the late 1980s before you accuse me of jumping on some mad New England-supporting bandwagon – the New England Patriots. My other half is more of a newcomer to the sport and, after careful consideration a couple of years ago, decided that the Minnesota Vikings had the nicest colour kit. Purple. She likes purple. We have tried and tried and tried to get other people interested in the NFL but people being people and not yet being automatons with controllable lizard brains (note to shareholders of neOnbubble Sauromaton plc.: soon my friends, soon) the swine don’t seem interested citing various reasons ranging from "It’s all stop-start, stop-start" to "They’re all girls playing in all that padding; they wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a real man’s game of golf", and asking questions like "Don’t they stop the game every 8.2 seconds for commercials?" and "Is there an option in interactive viewing for cheerleader-gusset cam?" So, because nobody listens to me in real life and I have anecdotal proof that over two have in my virtual existence I now present a definitive guide to understanding, appreciating, and enjoying American Football. It’s Rugby For Girls, Isn’t It? No. Whenever someone attempts to compare rugby and American football I am forced to suppress the urge to rip out that person’s intestine and feed it up and down their nasal passages before twirling it into a delightful parody of a handlebar moustache. Yes, the ball shares some similarities in shape. Well done. However, last time I checked, nobody ever compared beach volleyball to marbles yet, surprise!, both use round balls. Baseball and mafia board meetings both utilise bats yet rarely are the two mixed up. Roller skaters wear kneepads. So did the guy who fitted the carpet at my parent’s house. Guess what? Not similar at all. NFL Fun FactFans of the Green Bay Packers are known as "cheesy helmets" but it’s not because they don’t wash down below, ha ha! It’s because they stick their penises in lumps of cheddar. When rugby players come together in a scrum (no double entendres please) they start more-or-less locked together and push. When I used to play rugby I was...
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