Gay Republican Collection
Dear Friend, Now is the perfect time to surround yourself with the things you love! Here at neOnbubble we’re just as proud as proud can be to present a small selection of wonderful, timeless gifts from our new neOnbubble Gay Republican Collection, 2004. Our full collection contains literally hundreds of treasures to litter your shelves with: award-winning figurines, hand-crafted models, stunningly detailed jewellery … all these will follow in early 2005, but for now feast your eyes on the best mass-produced gifts to come off our production line in Tehran. "My Bitch Rumsfeld" Collectible Plate You’ll be blown away by the airbrushed artwork on the My Bitch Rumsfeld collectible plate. Capture a moment from an unforgettable Gay Pride march and show it off to all your friends. A delicate 9 carat gold trim sets this beautiful gift off perfectly. Code: NGR/4/RUMPLT Dimensions: 11cm diameter Price: $44.95 "General Tranny" Limited Edition Doll(2000 Worldwide) What sort of man would want to wear a dress? Well, anyone with a Christian background would, for starters. I should know. And if you’ve served in the military it’s almost compulsory. The odds were stacked heavily against him but, damn it!, Colin Powell never looked so good. This limited edition doll’s head and arms are crafted from porcelain and hand-painted specially to capture both the masculine leadership and feminine attractiveness of the former General. Each doll comes with a certificate of authenticity and a framed guide to pronouncing "Colin". Code: NGR/4/GNTRAN Dimensions: 14cm high Price: $69.95 "Bush Kisses Dick" Collector Mug A loving moment between two of the most powerful men in the United States adorns this wonderful, ceramic collector’s piece. The picture on this mug captures a truly unique blend of feelings: illicit emotions, the thrill of danger associated with public affection, the childlike joy on Cheney’s face. Experience a truly warm feeling inside every time you have a warm drink. Code: NGR/4/KISDIK Dimensions: 10cm high Price: $12.95 each, or $49.95 for a set of...
Your next Britney
As the whole world is aware, Britney Spears is now Britney Federline. Many girls are green with envy: a dancer with two children by another woman. Oh, if only they could be that lucky and find a man with a gay career and baggage from a previous relationship just like him! More importantly, many men are suicidal with depression. Admittedly, these "many men" are mainly those who tick the box marked Do you have an unhealthy fixation with a famous person? in surveys but that accounts for 63% of my visitors and that makes me care. Britney’s gone. She’s not available. She is an ex-future-Mrs-Stalker. Let me help. Let me convince you that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don’t despair! If there’s one thing that the ex-deeply religious, ex-chaste, ex-attractive, and ex-talented (just kidding; she was never talented) Mrs Federline has shown the world it’s that celebrities are often not that picky about their partners. This means you still have a chance with any of the following available "babes": Paris Hilton Who?: Desperately shy and introverted heiress to the Hilton hotel group who overcame shyness and introvertiness (no, I’m not checking to see if it’s a word) which just leaves "desperate". How?: A digital camcorder, fast internet connection, and no qualms about having your flabby body viewed (and mocked) by three quarters of the world’s population appear to be the minimum requirements to appeal to Miss Hilton‘s needs. Better Than Britney?: Have you seen Britney naked and performing sex acts for digital posterity? Obviously, if you’re reading this in 2008 then your answer may be different but right now that’s a tick in Miss Hilton’s box. You can take that literally if it pleases you to do so but I couldn’t possibly comment on it. Britney Beats Her?: Britney still wins in the physical appearance stakes unless you’re a fan of the "built like a holocaust survivor" look. Geri Halliwell Who?: Former member of the Spice Girls and often referred to as "Lacking Any Redeeming Features Spice" until that became too confusing and "Ginger" was chosen instead. Rumours that it is short for "gingivitis" were started in this sentence. How?: Geri is apparently attracted to fame. And homosexuals. If you are a famous homosexual then you’re in luck, otherwise you’d simply better pretend to be one. Sir Ian McKellen springs to mind. There! Dress up as Gandalf. Better Than Britney?: Geri is easier to spell than Britney or "Brintey" as I keep typing, meaning anniversary and birthday cards are less likely to have crossings-out on them causing "Woman Rage™" or "Woman Sulk™" or "Woman Cutting Off...
Chuck Norris
I’m half-Irish which means that certain character traits are mine to behold. I love bread and potatoes and consider any meal without them to be punishment. This means I can’t go on the Atkins Diet. I’m argumentative and always up for a fight if there’s one going. I’m also as stubborn as a mule. When I make my mind up on something there is nothing on the face of the planet that can get me to change my mind. So imagine my surprise when I was flicking through the channels yesterday and happened upon an informercial for the Total Gym. Okay, that bit isn’t that surprising so far but bear with me. It was a typical informercial: look what you get! look what it can do! look how it increases your sexual attractiveness to women! look how it wins Nobel prizes for literature! Occasionally, I’ll watch one of these things from start to finish looking out for unintentional funnies but at no point ever have I felt any compulsion to pick up the phone. But yesterday was different. You see, the Total Gym was being sold by Chuck Norris! As I watched I became convinced that I wanted a Total Gym. As I’ve stated before I can’t go on the Atkins Diet. More importantly, I wouldn’t want to go on any diet. Cut down on food? But … food tastes nice. Why the hell would I want to cut down on it? Madness! Which leaves just cosmetic surgery, mind transfer to a better host, and exercise as my only solutions to the problem we call "Mr Stomach." Cosmetic Surgery Have you ever seen liposuction being performed? I have. If you haven’t and have some idea that plastic surgeons perform microscopic miracles using high-tech surgical impliments, pristine gowns, nanobots, and machines that go bing! then prepare yourself for a shock. The patient is rendered unconscious using whatever method is covered by your health insurance/national health service (lullabies, cosh, plastic bag, Nytol, whiskey, gas, or injection) and an incision is made on the side of the stomach. Into this cut a long-handled wallpaper scraper is inserted. Here is where the surgeon’s skill is really used: it’s important to scrape away at the fatty buildup inside the stomach and not scrape away at anything else such as an intestine, a colon, or a testical. The scraping is not a gentle action. Think about using a wirewool brush to remove baked beans left in a saucepan over a hot weekend and you’re halfway there. The loose blubber is then vacuumed out using a Dyson cyclone cleaner after which the vacuum is sold as...
Under attack!
It’s a big day in America. The Republicans are literally wetting their pants at the amount of patriotic imbecility they can stir up among the inbred masses of the central states in the run-up to, sadly, what will probably be the re-election of President Bush, the only President in history to have been scientifically proven to have run the country worse than an actual bush would have. Using computers and ouija boards and what-nots. All day today and for the next few weeks/months/decades/generations you’re going to keep hearing how the War On Terror™ is being won but that the War On Terror™ has no end and that anyone in office but Bush will mean that the War On Terror™ will come ashore in, ooh, let’s say Seattle, rape your children and then blow up any relatives of yours in nursing homes. You’re also going to hear that you have to help your government in order to fight the War On Terror™ and that it’s your duty as citizens to: look out for signs that you are under attack from the War On Terror™ and alert your nearest police officer (who will then arrest you for suspected collusion with the aforementioned War On Terror™ under Patriot Act law 6792 – ‘Gut Feeling That Person’s An Al Qaedanoid‘ – and detain you without any rights for 48 hours while the War On Terror™ is being thoroughly buck-passed, an act you’ll be happy to suffer as the price to pay for safety), vote George W. Bush, never forget to remember that Saddam Hussein personally flew all the planes into the World Trade Center towers, donate often and in high volumes to the only people trying to make sure that you are safe and sound asleep in your detention cell, Halliburton, avoid watching the news to avoid unnecessary scaremongering by insidious evil-doers and, instead, keep your eyes glued to entertainment programmes such as American Idol, Survivor, Joey, and Fox News. Now, I’m a helpful person but I can’t help with many of those points for those of you too moronic to help yourselves. Help you stop you watching the news? If you’re in America chances are good you can’t see it anyway. Help you donate? I’d love to but I’m a silicon-based lifeform masquerading as a human; I’m not made of money though. Help you remember that never forgetting is a memorable thing to never forget? Never Say Never Again is my motto, and a bad James Bond film, so no dice. Help you vote for George W. Bush? You’ll probably find that the Senate’s got your back on that one. Help you...
Invention Showcase #489
Time for another round of inventions. Are you sitting comfortably in your "Invention-Trauma-Proof Vibrachair™" (Invention Showcase #221)? Then I’ll begin … The "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet" If you’re human – and studies show that one third of you may be – then you know that some mornings you wake up fine and some mornings you wake up screaming. And what’s the biggest cause of Ante Meridiem Screaming Heebies today? That’s right: it’s crushing one ear under your head during the night only to have all the blood rush back into it upon waking. neOnbubble Industries has the answer! The "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet" is not only functional but also fun too! You could say it puts the ‘fun’ in ‘functional.’ But I wouldn’t. So how does it work? To protect your ear from crushing it’s important to make sure it never gets into position to be crushed in the first place. Competitors’ products use complicated harnesses and motion detecting air raid sirens which are proven to work but include side-effects such as burning to death in housefires and turning neighbours homicidal. The "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet" works … problem free! When you go to bed simply place your helmet over your head. Your neck is supported and neither your head nor your all-important ear ever touch the pillow! Result? No more ear pain! But wait! There’s more! A variety of fun, switchable helmet designs make for an interesting waking experience for your partner. Why not take a look at our more popular designs: deep sea diver – perfect for couples with aquatic sexual fetishes, astronaut – who wouldn’t want to wake up next to Neil Armstrong?, corpse mask – give your partner the fright of his/her life or see how they’d react to your death with this convincing cadaverous paint job, ex-partner – if you’re concerned that your partner may be seeing his/her ex then this clever design provides the perfect temptation to test your paranoia out on, mirror ball – confuse your partner and see if you can get them to smack their nose into your helmet when they wake up (double entendres to be used at own risk), horse head – mafia-related humour first thing in the morning is the best humour there is. "Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots" Nanobots have been with us since 1954 but up until now they’ve only been used by the government to track your bowel movements. Now, for the first time, neOnbubble Industries has produced a commercial option for the tiny critters. The idea of nanobots scouring the body hunting down and killing...
The ‘I’s have it
I had the pleasure of running into myself over the weekend. I had been watching the Olympics on television when the sound of a large bang – much like that caused by something large suddenly appearing and displacing the air that had previously been occupying the points in space now given over to the something large – filtered through to my ears. The bang had come from the kitchen and my immediate thought was that the cats were up to no good again; their attempts at cooking have often led to much finger-wagging, cleaning of burnt equipment, and discarding of broken crockery and it wouldn’t have been the first time for either of them to have switched the gas on and then have trouble with the ignition switch on the hob. The Olympics was getting interesting – and by that I mean that they were just about to show some more coverage of the women’s gymnastics – when some neurons started firing in my brain. You see, one of the cats was on my lap and the other one was on the sofa and both had their ears pricked up and were staring as if looking through the various walls towards the kitchen. Clearly, the bang had not been caused by feline experimentation this time around. Could my other half be responsible? My cranial cogs clicked around and decided that no, what with her not being in the house and all that, it was unlikely to be her at fault. Ah. I persuaded my lapwarmer to remove himself and stood up to investigate. The air felt heavy like just before a storm and there was a slight smell, a bit like hot metal. I made my way to the kitchen and discovered … My kitchen is fairly large for the houses in the area: just over twenty feet long and about ten wide with units down each side and quarry tiles on the floor. You tend to notice usually that there are not giant noses in the middle of the room but on this occasion that particular observation was lacking. Also, the number of yourselves in the room tend to be zero if you’re not there or one if you are. On this occasion I numbered two and this struck me, along with the giant nose, as being particularly unusual. My doppelganger smiled and said, "I bet you’re wondering why there’s a giant nose and another you here aren’t you?" "Hmmm," I hmmmed. "I must confess that the thought has just crossed my mind but if I had to guess I’d say that you were either a future version...
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