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Witty Thigh-Related Pun Title
Jun02

Witty Thigh-Related Pun Title

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Lardarses
May26

Lardarses

Britons, you are becoming fat! More accurately, we’re becoming fat. Even more accurately, we’re becoming fatter. I could get even more accurate than this but my tubby fingers will sweat too much from excessive typing and drown my pets. Now, obesity is a problem apparently because at some point somebody will become supermassive and form an event horizon. Into the huge gravity well all the food on the planet will be sucked and all the other fatties will stampede after it causing earthquakes, tsunamis, and a rather catchy bassline that Fatboy Slim will just have time to record before the world ends with a rather disappointing pop. What’s one of the recommendations for tackling this impending tubbiness? No more adverts for fatty foods for kids. Right. But anyone with a brain – and I’d like to think of myself as an anyone with a brain – knows that blaming adverts for causing the future epidemic of lard-related illnesses is preposterous. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that anorexia was blamed on pictures of skinny models in magazines like Teen Waif. If adverts of fatty foods make people fat … and pictures of skinny people make people thin … then … and stop me if this isn’t too obvious … just give pictures of skinny people to fat people and sit anorexic victims in front of television adverts for hamburgers. Problems solved. Let’s just assume for one moment that the government won’t take the drastic action of arming fat, girlfriendless boys with photos of skinny, half-naked ladies for some reason (even though a whole generation of champion javelin, discus, and shot putt athletes could be yet another benefit to emerge.) What then are possible solutions to this weighty problem? More Vegetable And Fruit Adverts Fatty food adverts make people eat fatty foods? Then I guess there can’t be enough adverts of vegetables or fruits on television. Before I go any further – no, I’m not referring to David Hasselhoff. Some people don’t like him but those people have issues they need to sort out with their priest. Let’s be very clear: David Hasselhoff is a God. I’d even go so far as to say I’m gay for David Hasselhoff. But only in my mind. I’d never say that in public. Come on! Who, after watching an advert that featured Britney Spears squatting over some chubby guy’s face and pulling a banana out of her snatch to feed him, wouldn’t rush out and buy a bunch right there and then? Hell, I’m seriously considering some succulent banana right now. Bring Back The Draft There’s nothing like enforced military service to keep...

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My House
May18

My House

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So You Want To Be A Space Animal
May14

So You Want To Be A Space Animal

If you’re a normal boy or girl then you’re probably kilometres away on the internet (the internet is measured in metric units despite Americans not understanding factors of ten) looking at filthy porn or photoshopped pictures of monkeys dancing atop the heads of various world leaders and, what’s more, you’ve probably never wondered what life would be like if you were a mystically-powered space animal. Luckily for me there’s nothing really normal about visitors to this site so chances are better than George Lucas uncovering the secret of the Aztecs that allowed them to develop plots and strong characters in moving hieroglyphics that you – yes you – once gave a passing thought to space animals in your unrewarding and pointless existence. When it comes to space normal rules about animals go out the window and burn up in a gravitational vortex or are possibly just eaten by other space animals who follow the first set around looking for normal rules to devour because that’s the crazy sort of rules that apply in space. For instance, you know that rule that says that four legs is the absolute maximum number of legs that an animal can have before it shifts from being “cute” to “put on the planet to terrify people into early graves for other multi-legged beasts to feast on”? Yeah, well that rule doesn’t apply in space at all. You can be cute and have six talons. Crazy! I’ve decided to list some of my favourite space animals that I once considered being before puberty kicked in and the reality of being stuck in human form on this stinking cesspit of a hellhole planet struck home. You may be thinking “Why the hell are you doing this you fricking moron?” and I’d be a liar if I said the thought wasn’t reverberating around my head as I dictate every word to my typewriter emu but the answer is simply that you probably aren’t interested in the myriad ways I’m trying to avoid wiring in a new ring circuit for my oven. The Solar Monkey Child Overrated director Stanley Kubrick’s science fiction millstone 2001 has had some influence on my life since I was very young. My parents liked actor Kier Dullea so much they named my brother after him. Regrettably, they didn’t call him Dullea and give me a lifetime of jokes. Sadder still, they didn’t call him Kier either. They tried. They just didn’t spell it right. Oh well, at least it’s unique. From the age of nine onwards I began to waltz. A tip of the hat to the influence of using The Blue Danube...

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Sick Jokes
Apr28

Sick Jokes

The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain. These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored. SICK JOKES BELOW – DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE NARROW-MINDED AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’ One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower. “Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?” “Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.” The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl. “Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers. “From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.” How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car? The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar. What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. What’s black and blue and hates sex? The ten year old in my trunk. Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide? It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer. Whats...

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