Professor Brian Cox, Drunk in Borneo
Professor Brian Cox‘s latest programme for the BBC starts tonight. Wonders of Life follows the programme formula showcased in Wonders of the Solar System and Wonders of the Universe taking Brian across the globe in a bid to explain the complexity, simplicity, and beauty of the evolutionary process and the way in which life came into being on the planet. It will be shown in HD so for those couple of people recently searching to see if Brian Cox wears a wig that will be your best chance to get close to the screen and make your own mind up (hint: would he really choose one that looks like that?) I caught up with Brian during a break in filming in Borneo and talked to him about the wonders of life. As we were (and still are) both men it was necessary for us to get out the alcohol in order to discuss a matter this emotive. Brian: Vodka means ‘little water’. Did you know that? Did you?! You need water for life. I think. So… vodka! Me: Vodka! Brian: Vodka! Wait! Water for life… water of life! Think about it chum! Me: Isn’t that whiskey? Brian: Oh, you’re only fucking right! You’re right you are! You know what? You are right! Let’s make some whiskey! Me: Whiskey! Do we have the ingredients for whiskey? Brian: Whiskey has taken millions and millions and billions of years to form… What did you say? Me: Are we making whiskey or what? Brian: Vodka! Me: What? Brian: Vodka and tea and me! I can distill whiskey. Don’t look at me like that! I’m a theoretical physician… physical… scientist! Watch! Me: Well, you are a bloody wonder. Brian: I see what you did there ya cheeky monkey! Me: Heh! Now I’ve seen everything. What sort of whiskey is it? Brian: It’s quite peaty. I was eating soil earlier. Me: Right. Why? Brian: There’s life in soil. Me: You’re weird. Has anyone ever told you you’re weird? Brian: No. Nope. Yes. My wife. And you. That’s two! Me: I’ll drink to that! Champagne! Brian: Down the hatch! Me: Skol! Brian: Do they still make Skol? I have not had Skol in years. Me: Do you want some Skol? I think you can probably get some because you’re a famous physicist… Brian: That’s the word I was looking for! Me: … but Borneo may not be a great market for weak beer. Might have to helicopter some in. Brian: I don’t want any Skol but I do like helicopters. Me: What are we talking about? Brian: Hey! There’s some WKD Blue behind the counter! Me:...
Neptune’s Moons
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides. What is Neptune? Neptune is the outermost planet in our solar system. Pluto used to sometimes be the outermost planet (its orbit and that of Neptune crossed over occasionally) but it was relegated from the list of planets after going into administration during the recession of the early 21st century. Neptune is a gas giant world named after the Roman god of the sea and the first planet to be detected using mathematics rather than eyeballs. Its presence was later confirmed by eyeballs because nobody trusts mathematics. Oh, mathematics says it’s your friend and it will turn up but then it lets you down. What is a moon? A moon – or satellite – is a body that has been captured gravitationally by a planetary body. Moons typically orbit planets trying to gather enough speed to escape the pull of the planet to which they’re bound because only by being set free can they possibly hope to be re-classified as a rogue or dwarf planet of their own and that’s where the big money sponsorship deals are made. What are Neptune’s moons? Neptune has thirteen known moons but most of them are small and boring. Here are some of the more interesting ones: Triton Triton is the largest of Neptune’s moons and is named for the god of the sea’s most-treasured possession, the trident. The person who did the naming had a cold, though, and was misheard on the phone. Triton orbits Neptune in the opposite direction to all the other satellites. Some people believe that this is because Triton is an artificial construct put in place to determine whether we have advanced as a species far enough to question the absurdity of its presence. But these people are nutcases. More likely, Triton is simply a non-conformist rebelling against the man. Triton’s surface is mostly chalk. It couldn’t be more different from our moon, although that’s not because our moon is made of cheese; it’s simply that our moon’s surface isn’t mostly chalk. Proteus Photographed by Voyager 2 in 1989 as it passed Neptune and its moons, this picture shows Proteus, the largest of Neptune’s satellites after Triton. Proteus has an irregular shape as it is still growing but in time it will become a beautiful, spherical moon just like all the other great moons in the solar system. The black dots on the image do not actually exist on the surface of Proteus. In 1989 Voyager 2 had attained level 2 of sentience and was attempting to encourage its creators back on Earth...
Mister Astonishing!
When citizens are in trouble they send word for Mister Astonishing! But sometimes even Mister Astonishing makes mistakes! Is this the end for Mister Astonishing? Find out next...
Slices Of Star Trek
“Beam him out of there lieutenant commander.” “Can’t get a lock sir! The shields are up.” “Very well. Get a tractor beam lock on the ship.” “Tractor beam locked on.” “And there’s no way they can break out of that now?” “Not unless they send some kind of pulse back up the tractor beam.” “Like they always do?” “Yes.” “And we still haven’t got a fix in place for that?” “Not yet.” “I’m beginning to wonder why we even have this stupid beam.” “The ship has broken free!” “Pulse back up the beam? Of course it was! Why am I even asking?” * “Captain! We have an unauthorised launch in the shuttle bay!” “Who is it?” “It’s that ensign who was just acting a bit weirdly after getting bit by that strange insect on our most recent away mission but we all decided could still have full roaming capabilities and access to the ship’s systems.” “Seal the shuttle bay doors!” “Too late. The shuttle has left the bay.” “Okay… okay… can I get a straight answer as to why exactly the doors weren’t sealed anyway? Anyone? Anyone?” * “They’re opening fire!” “Evasive pattern delta!” “We’ve taken direct hits to engineering and the port nacelle! Shields buckling!” “What?! Even after using evasive pattern delta?!” “Yes! It appears that a pre-programmed method of flying in an attempt to avoid fire from enemy ships is no match for actually responding to the situation at hand.” “Fire photon torpedoes! Dispersal pattern sierra!” “Torpedoes away! No hits!” “Not one of their ships was where we were hoping they’d be?” “No sir! Furthermore, computer modelling indicates two torpedoes will impact on currently-populated areas of a planet in this system in a little over eight years’ time.” * “We might be able to lose our pursuers in the nebula at three one five mark nine.” “Is that one of those perfectly safe nebulae or one of the ones that harbours something arguably worse than what we’re facing out here?” “There are safe nebulae?” “Experience so far says no.” * “Open hailing frequencies.” “Hailing frequencies open.” “Approaching vessel: we are just passing through this system and mean you no harm. Ensign: anything?” “Nothing, captain. I suppose it’s possible that they don’t use the same hailing frequencies as us though.” “I’d never thought about that. Do we have a big blanket we can write on and hang outside the front?” * “Have you locked the intruder out of our computer systems?” “Yes captain… wait… he’s bypassing our security measures and re-routing commands from the control deck to engineering.” “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Windows...
The Time Of Many Elephants
Today’s reading comes from the book of Pachydermia, Chapter 4. 1We are in the last days before The Time Of Many Elephants. 2You will know the eve of the day from the clouds in the sky and the grass on the ground. Both will take on a bit of a grey tinge. 3Look then unto the north and cup your hands behind your ears so that you may better hear the approaching horde. Also, so that you may resemble their holy shape and be spared the crush from their immaculate mass. 4But shun the disbelievers and the doubters. 5In The Time Of Many Elephants disbelievers and doubters will have their disbeliefs and doubts flattened to squelchy, red, messy stains. And they will require bleach to remove. But you don’t have time to bleach their infidel marks. 6Hark not to their cries that two elephants do not constitute many elephants at all. 7Your memory is your weapon. 8Like the mighty elephant, never forget the words of the prophet Babar for did he not say unto the Incredulous that it is better to be trampled by no elephants than one and that one elephant, therefore, is one too many? 9What say you then to the number two if it is not one more than one? Surely it is many more than zero, where zero is the number accorded to no elephants at all! 10Rejoice for The Time Of Many Elephants is at hand! 11If you are righteous then you will prepare the path ahead of the Many Elephants. 12Gather to you as if your life depended upon it all the peanuts you can find. And your life surely depends upon it. 13Scatter to the grey-tinged grass the food of the Many Elephants and lead the way from the north to the south and to the sea. But look out! for Evil will always try to stop Good. 14Hunt down the terrifying mice that would pause not one second before scaring the crap out of The Many Elephants. Mice are grey and the ground is grey-tinged and the challenge is mighty but only the mighty challenges are worth attempting. 15Hard is the path to Salvation when The Time Of Many Elephants comes around. 16Listen to the trumpet blasts and praise The Many Elephants! They approach! 17But they will need passage across the sea to the south. 18Book two tickets on the hovercraft but pack nothing else for The Many Elephants will be carrying their own trunks. 19Laugh out loud and praise be to The Many Elephants for that corny joke! 20The Time Of Many Elephants will soon be upon you. 21The ground...
1961 Magazine Adverts
I love getting my hands on old things. Vintage vinyl and magazines are such wonderful sources for a glimpse into life in the past. Forget stuffy analysis from experts or people’s unreliable memories; if you want to know how things really were just stick on an old LP and flip over a publication from before you were born. Time machine time! Things I’ve been able to discern from reading a 1961-published, American magazine aimed at adult men (yeah, you know the sort) is that: jokes back then were just dreadful, stories back then were mind-numbingly dull, but women had curves in all the right places (yay!), and magazine adverts were simply wonderful. A vacuum pump to remove blackheads! It’s a bloody vacuum pump to remove blackheads! And you wonder why Americans are all so beautiful now? It’s because they had vacuum pumps to remove blackheads people! The Korean war was particularly harsh on the number of blacksmiths in America and this advert was just one prong of the fork that aimed to poke the art of blacksmithery back into the nation’s forefront. Does that sentence even make any sense? Thoughts of blacksmithing are confusing my brain! A rare example of a rival to Disney trying to get its foot in the door but here we can clearly see a fatal mistake in the advertising process: don’t give away your best example of cartoonery for everyone to see! Old Walt didn’t like what he saw and the originator of this ad was never heard from again. Without this advert we would have no Columbo. That’s right. Relieves drunkenness in five days? How drunk would you have to have been? I mean, it takes me a little longer than it used to but I’m still pretty much back to normal in under 18 hours. Either there was a lot of alcohol consumption back then or Americans were quite wimpy when it came to drinking. I’ve been to America and drunk their beers. I think it’s the latter one. The first rule in deciding whether to response to an advert claiming to improve your English is checking to see whether it conforms to good English. I found this ad to be very, ahem, entertaing. Do you see what I did there? Well, you probably need to have pretty decent English to spot it in the first place to be honest. A new way of prayer! This way of prayer proved to be far more effective than the other way of prayer which – as you may remember from school history lessons – didn’t help anybody ever and so was introduced into churches...
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