That Uncut Bible
I know what you’re thinking: surely to goodness there can’t possibly be more previously-hidden passages from the one-and-only, complete, uncut Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible, can there? There sure can! We’ve seen some of the bits deemed "too hot for Christianity!" by none other than one of Popes himself (we forget which one) before here, here, and here but if there’s one truism about religion it’s this: preposterousness has no end! And, besides, it’s nearly Easter. Everyone likes to hear the truth about Jesus and chocolate at this time of year. Are you kneeling comfortably? Then we’ll begin. "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. But God was definitely doing this as a punishment or for research and God definitely didn’t approve of or like any of what he saw even though he let it go on for a long time and watching it all didn’t turn him strange or anything." Romans 1:26-27 "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. And avoid the luxurious bath of luxury as it contains liquid death. Also, do not press the big red button with the words ‘PRESS ME’ flashing on it for it controls the auto-destruct system. Why are you looking at me like that?’" Genesis 2:15-17 "Then Haggai said, ‘If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?’ ‘No,’ the priests replied, but they were wrong and did not receive a cheese for their Science and Nature question." Haggai 2:13 "That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus tried to explain that they really shouldn’t have built their town on a Hellmouth." Mark 1:32-34 "Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Likewise for the ball gag and crotch rope." Phillipians 1:12-13 "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant...
Scientists In Movies
Do you like scientists? Do you like movies? Do you like scientists in movies? Oh. Sorry, then. Anyhoo … can you identify the scientists and the movies in which the scientists have been cleverly (I’m taking a course in blowing my own trumpet) placed? #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6...
10 Must Avoid Movies
I was reading through Yahoo!’s 100 Movies To See Before You Die list when I thought to myself: "coming up with a silly list of things that express my personal taste and which won’t be the same as anybody else’s list of things that express their own personal taste in a manner that’s very similar to hundreds – if not thousands – of other lists of things that express personal tastes on TV, the internet, or in print is a great idea for a post when it’s been a few days and I haven’t really got much time to come up with something dazzlingly original anyway." That’s the sort of thing I think when I read things. Long sentences, rambling thoughts, lazy ideas; yeah, I’ve got them all. So, how about 10 Must Avoid Movies To Not See While You’re Alive? I’m not really asking you. I’m going to go ahead and list them regardless of your response. 10 Must Avoid Movies To Not See While You’re Alive 1. Alien Versus Predator: Requiem Plot: Aliens are fighting Predators who are fighting Aliens who are all fighting the inbred inhabitants of a small town in America somewhere. Why You Must Avoid It: I like the Aliens films (well, not all of them obviously) and I like the Predator films. I even liked the first of the Aliens Versus Predator films because it was an unusual time and location setting and there was a nice Predator Likes Girl plot going on too. This film, however, is total shit. It’s a 1970s college teen horror film with an increased budget allowing the producers to replace "Man In Cheap Mask" with "Man In Alien Suit" and the result, from quite early in the film as it happens, is that you find yourself rooting for anything but the townspeople to win because they’re all so astoundingly unlikeable. And not because they’re acting unlikeable. They’re just unlikeable. 2. Blade Runner Plot: In the future it’s dark and neon manufacturers are making a killing and there are android-robot-cyborg-things on the loose and only one man can catch them. Or is he a man? Yes. Or is he? No. It depends which version you watch. And which of the twelve thousand re-releases of the film had the sheep in it again? Why You Must Avoid It: It makes every fecking "best" list in the world. And near the top too. It’s an okay film. It’s just not that good. The only reason it gets in lists is twofold: firstly, because it was released at the start of the VHS boom when video shops stocked it, Porkys, Beastmaster,...
Pretentious Book Reviews: Mr Greedy
The pleasant, friendly appearance of the title character belies the insatiable inner person that author Roger Hargreaves chooses as a metaphor for selfish destruction in the second book of his satirical world mythos inhabited by the eerily-named Mr Men. In 1887 John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, first Baron Acton (1834 – 1902) wrote in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton: Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Mr Greedy is the on-the-surface child-friendly representation of this but this is no child’s book; rather, it is a fable that crosses boundaries of age and background and it warns of the ultimately doomed dangers not just of power but any addiction. Hargreaves simplifies the 19th century message and substitutes power with the physical substance we all know: food. This is a master’s stroke of genius on the author’s part. The seeking of power is not, after all, universal; there are those who are content to simply be. But the need for food is a craving we cannot simply turn off or something to which people either take or leave. It is always there. For an addict – power, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, religion, and so on – there is a similar need but the vast majority of people are not addicts. Baron Acton’s stark warning strikes a chord; Roger Hargreaves’ Mr Greedy character sets free a macabre symphony from the orchestra. Selfish destruction is self-serving says Hargreaves. Mr Greedy likes to eat. Eating makes him fat. Becoming fat makes him hungrier. Ad infinitum. He lives in a house, says the author, "that looked rather like himself." It is the nature of the addict to barricade his or herself with reinforcing surroundings. The roly-poly house of Mr Greedy is instantly recognisable as the Yes Men that protect the tyrannical business executive from reality. There is a similar fantasy that encases everyone who falls for destructive addiction. The physical appearance of Mr Greedy lets us know that what we are reading about is wrong, as if we needed telling. Yes, this is a personable character, a smiling character, perhaps someone we might enjoy being around. But Hargreaves doesn’t want us sympathising too much; at the heart of the story is a great exclamation mark: stop! Enough! Mr Greedy is fat and we all simply know without needing to be told that fat is bad. Each page turn heightens the anticipation of Mr Greedy’s undoing. Hargreaves’ writing style is superb in keeping us alert for the come-uppance and yet simultaneously lulling us, rocking us gently along. As humans we recognise this; it’s when we know we’re doing something wrong and we think...
Niche Magazine Failures
Transvestite Highwaymen was a small independent release operating out of post-World War I Germany and targeted at the American market, possibly as an act of revenge. Just three issues were published in 1922 before it was bought out and closed down by the distributors of its nearest rival – still going today – Luddite Ladyboys. The early 1930s saw a massive surge in sitting, thanks in no small part to the effects of The Great Depression. Hoping to cash in on this popular pastime but failing to take into account the lack of disposable income at the time Tales Of Sitting survived for just five months before taking the weight off its feet for good. The proprieters of Clumsy Broads maintained that they were simply celebrating the girls of the world who for one reason or another couldn’t avoid walls, doors, or rakes but this didn’t stop a group of Women’s Lib supporters from firebombing the production plant of the magazine after only one issue, putting it out of business permanently. Produced in good faith and hoping to tap into the lust for the macabre, Botch – "Horror Stories of Plastic Surgery" – ran out of material after only one issue (and subsequently quietly folded) because of the sterling work that all cosmetic surgeons do worldwide. Rumours that the plastic surgery industry conducted unnecessary facelifts putting the eyes on the sides of the faces on those behind the publication of the magazine are totally unfounded because the cosmetics industry is a good industry full of fine, upstanding...
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