Make Money Online With Blackmail
Ask the average person in the street who’s not bearded, dressed in brown, and sitting on cardboard in a puddle of his own piss what that there internet is for and you’ll most likely receive the answer: "Why! That there internet there is a means by which I can choose to either make money or part with money as the fancy takes me. No matter what choice I make, some money somewhere will be leaving one place and going someplace else and that’s all down to that there internet there. There." Making money on the internet is what a lot of people claim they either do or can help you do because they‘ve finished doing. And yet, in my many travels along the internet’s highways, byways, and overgrown paths littered with blackened banana skins and suspiciously dirty underwear the money-making tips and tricks offered by these formerly-mentioned "lot of people" amounts to only: put lots of adverts on your website for things nobody in their right mind would even search online for ever ("I’ll just check out some Phillipine mum blogs to see if any of them have special offers on tunnel excavation equipment") get paid to promote the most odd things ever ("A break from the norm today here on Ultimate Crochet: have you ever considered weather forecast insurance?") sell some truly horrendous piece of tat you made ("I’ve made four hundred of these pieces of card with rubber bands glued on them. If you’d like one …") tell other people to tell other people what you’re telling other people about the secrets of making money online while running odd adverts, promoting unrelated crud, and selling tat. You might make money by following those tips. But you might definitely might maybe make more money mayhaps with my exclusive money-making magic instead! Interested? What’s the secret? Internet Blackmail Swap ‘N’ Threat Blackmail for the virtual age means money for the real you! Blackmail, extortion, demanding monies with menaces, coersive fund-transference, road tax, suggested donations: call it what you will but the result is always the same. Money, money, money, and, often, prison sex but not the good kind where it’s just female guards and attractive lady prisoners and mood lighting. There’s no reward without risk but how do we reduce the risk? Swap. Blackmail. Everyone’s got some juicy piece of information about someone else. Some titbit of news that’s worth a little something. But chances are that the someone else will know it’s you issuing the threat and that could spell deadly danger of the deadly kind. Ooh! Deadly. So why not exchange extortions? Well, why wouldn’t you when...
Cable-On-Cable Action
Bored? Lonely? Like cables? Tangled cables. Entering … sockets. Multiple insertions. Oooh, that’s gotta hurt! Black, white, yellow, blue, orange, red. Interracial cable-on-cable action for you. And cable ties … for you filthy perverts. Are you ready to experience 52 whole seconds of cables and backs of computers!? Can you stand the excitement that just under a minute of explicit wiring contains?! Do you want to see a brief flash of … my foot?!?! Warning! The preceding video included the sound of my work colleague sneezing! Not for the faint of...
Christian Versus Atheist
Interactive Christian Training Simulator (c) 2008 JesusTek Part III - Christian Vs Atheist: Final Showdown Congratulations on stomping on the Scientologist Mini-King and defusing the Islamic Suicide Bomber Baby with your Battering Baton of Blind Belief. You are now ready to take on your most potent of adversaries: the Atheist! The Atheist attacks God and His followers by using his brain and utilising the three unholy forces of "Knowledge", "Reason", and "Thought". You must be ready to counter the Atheist's aggression with your God-given gifts of "Faith", "Repetition", and "Proclaiming Religious Intolerance" in order to wear down the otherwise persuasive offensive powers of this insidious foe. The Atheist stands before you blocking all exits with his intellectually-filled bulk! The Atheist is a monstrous beast and rocks back laughing at what he considers to be your puny position. Just visible within his great and deceitful beard you can see books and scientific equipment. The Atheist glares at you and asks: "Pathetic Christian! Does prayer work?" WHAT NOW? >Answer 'Yes'Answer 'No'This sounds like a trap! Ignore the...
Eurovision 2008
It’s Eurovision Song Contest Party Time. Brown and orange paint for the living room? Check! Beige polyester trouser suit that hugs alluringly around the most manly of areas? Check! Vesta Chicken Supreme meals, fondue, vol au vents, cheese and pineapple on sticks? Check! Advocaat, Babycham, Cinzano, Creme de Menthe? Check! For me, every Eurovision is the 1970s in one day. It’s time for the Eurovision Song Contest to roll around once more and this year I’ve gone all technical and decided to live tweet the event on my Twitter at the annual neOnbubble Eurovision House Party. If you want to follow me then subscribe away there or, better, pop along to Summize during the event and follow everyone who’s everyone tweeting the spectacle. Of course, if Twitter goes down like it has during both semi finals then the fallback position will be Friendfeed’s Search or Friendfeed Eurovision Room. What Is The Eurovision Song Contest? For one evening a year wars in Europe stop. Burglars slink back to their homes. The homeless set their braziers on Cosy and gather around obsolete television sets set up on bricks. The camped crusader Captain Camp emerges from the shadows of night and casts a magical spell over the continent. Sure, some people reject the lure of the Eurovision Superhero and complain bitterly that they don’t see the point or that the whole event is ludicrously crass but the point they miss is that it really does have no point on purpose and is deliberately ludicrously crass and that’s its charm. Regardless, once Sunday blossoms and Europe returns to normalcy those who complained are typically first against the wall. Eurovision takes the form of songs, performed one after another by each European nation to have qualified. Attempts to sing all the songs together were deemed a violation of basic human rights in the sixties. There are limits on the number of performers and tunes praising Hitler’s extermination of the Jews are generally frowned upon but, otherwise, the sky’s the limit. Ballads, gay eurobeat, transgender heavy metal, puppets on fire, and Celine Dion: anything goes! At the end of the songs all European viewers can vote by phone for any country other than their own, the scores are tallied, and the winner is showered with praise and glory and balloons and coupons with their home country then winning the expensive honour of hosting the competition the next time around. Eurovision Problem #1: Bloc Voting "Bloc voting makes a mockery of the competition!" Bollocks. Bloc voting is the myth that people from Latvia vote for the Lithuanian and Estonian songs and vice versa not because they’re...
Twit-Out, Twitter, Friendfeed
Twit-Out is the day of protest against Twitter. How dare the swine at Twitter HQ deliberately do nothing about the network outages and simply laugh away in their luxury leather hammocks in Bali being tended to by midget masseuses, drinking pina coladas, and raking in all the money that the free-to-use and ad-free service supplies! How very dare they! In case you’re wondering when this day is then it’s today. Unless you’re not reading this on the 21st May 2008. In that case then it was on the 21st May 2008. Wow! Who’d have thought it changed the world that much? Hitler coming back from the dead was crazy but the penguin robot army in Antarctica was definitely my favourite part of the day. Ptew! Ptew! Kaboom! Goodbye Argentina! Awesome! Twitter’s been having some problems with uptime. Jokes about Pele adverts are not welcome at this juncture. When Twitter has problems, everyone who uses Twitter has problems. And that’s a lot of people. You could say that Twit-Out is a response to Twitter’s regular User-Out protests but that would be unfair and cruel. Mildly amusing though. When you don’t not get the service you don’t pay for then you don’t not don’t do nothing about it, that’s for damn sure! Anyway, if you’re a Twitternaut and you’ve got even the slightest bit of French blood in your veins (eating a baguette or croissant once does count) then you’ll just be cock-a-hoop to know that you can link arms with your local Twitter Union and steer clear of the service for today (previous caveat still applies). But what are you to do instead? Where will you get your fix of micro-blogging? As Bob Dylan once sang: the answer, my friend, is Friendfeed. Get yourself over there and sign up if you’re not already using it. You don’t want to be a Twitter Scab do you? Friendfeed All the cool people are there already. Plus...
In Conversation With Lord Likely
"Your Lordship! You startled me, sliding in silently like that!" "A stealthy insertion was just one of the many skills I picked up on manoeuvres with the infantry in the Punjab." "Indeed. Your ability to get behind your man and stick it to him is legendary and the stuff of many a gossiping fishwife in the market. Now, is there anything I can do for you?" "I think I’d like to get hold of your column. No, by Wellington’s wang!, I know I’d like to get hold of your column!" "His Lordship honours me! May I enquire as to the nature of your intentions with it?" "Most certainly dear chap. How does splashing it across my front sound to you?" "Enticing!" "Splendid! I look forward to receiving it. Take your time with it and when you’re ready simply get in contact with my man-servant." "I shall poke your man-servant most pointedly at the precise moment of my completion in order that you may receive my column in as timely a manner as possible." zzziiiipppp "Good heavens sir! What in the name of Victoria’s secret garden are you pulling out from there!" "This is where I keep my most beloved tool, your Lordship! See!" "What a beast! So long and smooth! You must show it off to everyone you meet, I’ll wager." "I do indeed. Sometimes I will promenade with it in hand in order that as many people as possible may feast their eyes on its glory. I will often be approached by young ladies and gentlemen, perhaps with their children in tow, who will then ask to touch it. I always oblige, of course." "Naturally. It would almost be a crime to keep such a wonder hidden. And what, pray tell, are you doing with it right now?" "Stand back your Lordship. I’m giving it a shake to make sure no fluid leaks or splats when I start to wield it." "You are most diligent and a fine fellow to deal with. Ah, I see what you’re doing with it! It’s all quite obvious when you think about it." "Yes. Lord Likely … Post. Right, duly noted. I’ll put the pen away now and you can expect my column inches in due course." "Wonderful! Do you fancy a celebratory man-shag?" "Oh, go on then." ***** The guest article I wrote that Lord Likely and I were discussing can be read here: The Cockney...
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