The Jerusalem Caper
It started, as these things normally do, in my office inside the walls of Jerusalem. It was late and I was getting bored of looking out through the rain of the early evening into the crowded streets below. Scholars, priests, guards, vendors: all making their way home. It made me want to go home too. I’d made up my mind to leave when Effie Perine of Judea, my secretary, stepped inside and leaned her body against me. "Samuel, there’s a woman outside," she said, looking up into my face with her dark, oval eyes. "A client? Or am I becoming attractive in my old age?" I asked. "You’re the detective," she quipped back. "Detect. And no, you’re not." And she stepped back out again. I had a few seconds to brush out the creases in my tunic and make sure my sandals were on straight before she returned. With Effie was a dark-haired beauty, a real looker. She had a face that would stop a runaway mule in its tracks and legs under her dress right up to under her chin. In my mind. I cleared my throat and tried to clear my mind. "Samuel Spadius," I introduced myself and pointed to the chair. "Won’t you take a seat Miss …?" "Thankyou Mr Spadius," she said. "Magdalene. Mary Magdalene." I watched her sit down. She looked like full-bodied wine pouring slowly into place as she folded into the seat. I caught a glimpse of ankle as she crossed her feet and turned slightly away from me. I wouldn’t need to visit Matthias The Adult Stone Tablet Seller for a while. My money lender would be pleased. Effie too. "That’ll be all Effie," I said. I knew she was probably giving me a look as she turned and left but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the siren in my office. That was one lucky chair. I tried to snap out of it. "So what can I do for you Miss Magdalene?" All business. Business pays the bills. "I’ve heard you’re good, Mr Spadius." she said. Her voice was like silk from the East. I liked the way her lips pursed when she said "good". Made me feel like behaving anything but. "I’m not good." I replied. "But I’m good at what I do." That made her raise her eyebrows. "And my friends call me Sam." "And your enemies, Mr Spadius? What do they call you?" "Anything they want dollface." I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to read the broad. Maybe she was rich, her rich magistrate husband missing, presumed dead. Maybe she was lonely. Maybe she’d read...
Christians
First off, a tip of the hat to the lovely Gia for bringing to my attention the sheer unadulterated delights that exist at Chick.com. Secondly, a tip of the hat to parody law. God bless you and all who use you. So, what is Chick.com? Is it a site about chicks, babes, and sexy thangs? No. Is it a site about poultry? No. Is it a site showcasing the work of Jack Chick, apparently America’s leading proponent of literature aimed at scaring children into being Christians whilst simultaneously pointing out how all other religions are going to hell. Except for the Jews. But only if they repent and become Christians. Why, yes it is! Words cannot do the site justice. You must check it out for yourself. But, to help you along I’ve picked out some highlights from the range of cartoon strips for children: "If you believe in evolution instead of Jesus you’ll end up in hell". Roman Catholics are really Baal cultists. Wait, let’s double-check that. Catholic? Yes, you’re going to hell. England’s decline is God’s punishment for ignoring Jews. "I feel so sorry for all the kids who’ll be tricked into thinking it’s okay to be gay … because [they won’t go to heaven]". Call yourself a Hindu? I’m sorry, you mean ‘devil worshipper’. Live a good life, go to hell. Murder, rape, maim, but repent at the last second and go to heaven. Welcome to Christianity: The Fair Religion. Sure, being a buddhist looks good and certainly seems to bring out the best in people but reincarnation ain’t happening and you’re going to be judged and thrown in the pit of hell for all eternity. Sorry. Invite mormons into your house and question their faith before they question yours. Guaranteed Salt Lake City woe or your money back! And the latest and greatest is … Let’s tell muslims that Mohammed was a paedophile! It must be hard work being a Christian in Jack Chick’s world. Not only is there all that devout following of God and strict adherence to the Bible (except for the bits that don’t count) but there’s also all the important missionary work involved in telling other cultures where they’re going wrong, why they’re going to hell, and why they should be damn thankful there’s an alternative out there to their devil-worshipping/paedophiliac/cultist (* delete as applicable) sham of a choice of worship. I’m a fan of evil. But there’s the good sort of evil and then there’s religious evil. The work of Jack Chick – in my opinion – is some of the most incarnately evil ever, sadly, published. Indoctrinating children to...
Secret Gospel Chapter: Revealed!
Jesus then left that place and went into the hills beyond the Jordan to his miraculous water-into-moonshine still. "Teacher," said James and John in unison, for that was their way and very annoying it was too, "don’t you remember what happened last time?" But Jesus was indignant and drank into the early evening. Jesus and his disciples made their way through the region of Judea and many were the crowds that flocked to them. A very young woman approached Jesus with tears streaming down her face and fell to her knees before him. "Good teacher," she exclaimed, "I have been violated by my father’s brother while I slept – I think the goat’s milk was doped – and now I have become pregnant. The apothecary has refused to sell me any wormroot so that I may induce a miscarriage on moral grounds and my doctor says that my body is too underdeveloped and I will most likely not survive the term of pregnancy and that, even if I did, my child will have six toes and an overbite." "Was it any good?" asked Jesus before Simon Peter could clap his hands over the Son of Man’s mouth. Thomas answered the woman: "I doubt that Jesus meant it quite that way. Clearly, great harm will come from this and it is only right that you have some wormroot. We shall pay a little visit to the apothecary and convince the owner of the error of his ways. If we’re not careful then kebab shops will be employing vegetarians next and nobody will be able to order lamb doners." "We’ll do no such thing!" shouted Jesus. "Life is a gift from God and cannot be discarded. No. Matter. What! Got it?" The young woman started crying again and asked "Then who gave me the gifts of rape and almost-certain death, good teacher? If it wasn’t God then can they be discarded instead?" And Jesus answered "What? Hey, let’s go to Jerusalem!" While Jesus was distracted Thomas handed the young woman a card with the name and address of a coathanger manufacturer written upon it and shrugged his shoulders apologetically. They were on their way to Jerusalem with Jesus in front supported by two of his disciples when Jesus stopped and turned to the twelve. Raising his hands he said "Listen to me, all of you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord!" and his disciples fell silent thinking that Jesus had sobered up. "I’m tired of walking but there is a man named Bartomas across the road who runs an orphanage and who has donkeys, one...
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