The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
May 3, 2010
How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first so you can cum in its face!
May 10, 2010
whats pink and covered in cobwebs ?
maddies bike
May 11, 2010
i found these jks funny and im not getting angry or anything just the ones bout maddy are a little harsh.. Just a heads up.. Yu can also get in alot of trouble for say them.. But keep the other jks coming
May 11, 2010
What’s the worst part about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
May 16, 2010
I fucking love the jokes theres some harsh ones but there still funny as fuck 😛
May 17, 2010
Question – Whats the difference between Maddie McCann and the Volcanic ash cloud?
Answer – Maddie McCann only ruinde 1 holiday.
May 17, 2010
If Justin Bieber and a 40 year old man with viagra on compared dicks whos would be longer?
Lady Gaga’s of course…
May 17, 2010
How do you kill a million starving Africans with one bullet? …………………………………………… Shoot bob geldoff!!
May 19, 2010
This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking. Â Â
May 20, 2010
I hate u sick fucks argggg
May 20, 2010
i love this site…it gives me plenty of ammo to shock!!! great stuff guys 🙂
May 21, 2010
I know i shouldn’t laugh, but god damn! If you can’t laugh at that then what the fuck is wrong with you. Cheers guys!
May 21, 2010
ian huntley is a big fan of britains got talent he said ,
‘seeing holly beg and cry brought back so many good memories’
May 22, 2010
hilarious!!!!!! glad to see im not the only one with a sick sense of humour
I feel sorry for Stevie Wonder….he might not have any idea how great his daughters tits are….but if he does then fair play to the man
was coming back from the pub last night when i saw two blind men fighting….i shouted that my money was on the one with the knife……dont think i’ve ever seen 2 guys run as fast in my life
what’s worse than finding a fly in your food???……….RAPE!
May 24, 2010
the mccanns are said to be getting rid of their 2006 renault mccann ,
lets just say it wont be the first time they’ve disposed of a four year old
May 24, 2010
another possible sighting of maddy ?
i bet her killer is having a right fucking laugh
May 24, 2010
has anyone else noticed that maddie is an anagram of ‘ im dead ‘ ?
May 25, 2010
Their wonce was a little girl called maddy she had a very unfortunet daddy she got snached from her bed probly ded gettin raped by a porchagees baddy
May 25, 2010
That shits wild but banging
May 31, 2010
What do you call 3 blind mice in a school?
Paedophiles
What do you call 3 mice in an old peoples home?
unlucky paedophiles (note… there not blind)
What do you call 3 blind mice in a pet shop?
BUSTED!!!
June 8, 2010
Your all Dbags, only half that shit is even close to funny the rest is just fucking stupid……….mr p probably is a pedophile fuck
June 9, 2010
Best sick joke site ever! Great job! (This colonial doesn’t get the ‘maddie’ thing nor much of the other Brit slang, but superior collection, man!)
June 13, 2010
Q: what do women and grocery stores have in common?
A: they both have a spot to guys to park their cars.
X)
June 17, 2010
just keep em coming men…..how do u know when ur sister’s on ?
ur dad’s cock tastes funny
June 17, 2010
ahaha omg this is offensive to girls but fucking hilariouss i love it!!!!
June 17, 2010
lets see how long this site lasts, once im finished with you mr administrator you wont want to have a website
http://www.ausfederalpolice.gov.au
OWNER EDIT:
IP Address of sender is 123.208.155.204 .
Sender was naturally searching for "sick jokes".
Sender has posted a link to a website that doesn’t exist.
Sender thinks my surname is administrator with a lower case ‘a’.
Sender thinks I’m in fear of an Australian with a fear of the Shift key and apostrophes from the opposite side of the world.
June 19, 2010
this is cool and fucking good to fuck
June 20, 2010
omfg im fucking horny and i just masturbated to this shit!!!!
June 22, 2010
I got what I deserved…..I’m a fucking creepy corps
July 1, 2010
these jokes r funny az
nt to keen on the baby 1s thou
fab site
July 11, 2010
Theese Jokes Are Dirtier Than Fingering Your Sister And Finding Your Dads Wedding Ring !! awesome collection dude >x)
July 14, 2010
wotcracks wen its fuct? a 2year olds pelvis
July 15, 2010
whats pink and smells of holly?ian huntleys cock
i just found out my grans in a porno.not sure whats worse,the fact shes in it,or that i carried on wanking when i realised it was her.
i was raping a woman the other night and she cried"please think of my children"kinky bitch i thought.
had a wank over my ex last night.i know its wrong but i still have a key and shes a heavy sleeper.
what do 9 0ut of 10 people really enjoy?gang rape
July 17, 2010
What did the wanking man say when he heard a knock at the door?
"give me a second, I’m just coming!"
July 19, 2010
Hahahaha some o these jokes are amazin I nearly weed a little bit
!!!!
What do slinkys and chavs have in common ???
There both pretty useless but it’s so much fun
to watch them fall down a flight of stairs !
July 21, 2010
after hot sex with this chick i pulled the other night,we were lieing in bed and she couldnt stop stroking my cock.i said do you want some more.she said not now,im just admiring your cock,i quite miss mine.
July 25, 2010
i went swimming this morning and got changed next to this black guy.i tell you what,its true what they say about them.the cunt robbed me.
July 25, 2010
iwas round my new girlfriends for dinner and she asked me to turn on the veg.turns out she didnt mean fingering her disabled sister
July 27, 2010
fukn funny jokes!!
Have u ever seen ur parents having sex?
I hav & thats the last time im going to that website!!
August 9, 2010
OH… It’s all so funny, I can’t stop laughing at this shit…. another one from me…
I came home the other day and my 8 year old daughter was sliding down the banister and I asked her, what the hell are you doing?
She replied to me… she was warming-up my dinner. (I thought… who am I to argue, personally I could not careless if it hot or cold, she tastes too damn good either way!!!)
August 12, 2010
God! To the people claiming that anyone who enjoys these jokes is a sick peado. You need to get a grip!
It’s not that many people actually find these jokes to be "funny" its the shock factor that people like, They laugh cause they KNOW these jokes are "Wrong" – Everyone laughs at Taboo subjects!
If you don’t want to shocked or sickened by a joke, Go back to watching your dwarf porn.
Idiots!
August 15, 2010
A Muslim walks into a bar. No one survives.
August 17, 2010
no fucking offence the baby jokes are sick! and the peado ones.. but i laughed EXTREMELY hard. but i hate you faakers:D
August 19, 2010
Pregnant women must always be tempted…especially around lunch time.
August 19, 2010
LMFAO – awesome job "mr administrator" (LOL) On the awesome burn to forgetful idiot! I fucking laughed so hard at ur edit n his post, just as funny as your jokes! what fucking idiot is so retarded they SEARCH for this shit, read it, and then take the time to not only post on how offended they are but pose as a cop. what a fucking fag. get a life you dumb shit.
August 20, 2010
Baby jokes ain’t funny. You guys are the fucked up minority and should be watched closely.
August 20, 2010
if you dont like these jokes or are not laughing at them then why the fuck are you here ?? seriously !
August 22, 2010
A man walks in to a brothel and asks for a woman who is 8 months pregnant. The receptionist replies we dont have anyone at the moment but come bak in 2 weeks. He returns and asks for his girl. The receptionist replies ‘we hav her, but y is it so important 4 her 2 be 8 months pregnant.’ he replies ‘so i can get the ass in line’
August 24, 2010
whats the difference between" get off,no,no,no" and "mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm"
gaffa tape
August 25, 2010
so a man goes into a brothel and asks the madam for the best girl in the house. the madam tells him to wait and goes upstairs to get her. the guy gets hungry and sees a jar of tomatoes sitting on a table and he decides to eat one. after so long the girl he asked for comes downstairs, sees this guy screams and runs back upstairs. the madam comes down and asks what the hell the guy did, he says i have no idea i was just sitting here eating one of the tomatoes out of the jar over there. the madam says those aren’t tomatoes those are yesterday’s abortions.