A Meeting Room, Somewhere…

Posted By Mark on Feb 8, 2015

“Heil Hitler!” said with a snap and a proud billowing of the cheeks. The guard shuffled into attention trying to hide some of the slouching that invariably comes from hours of dull duty. “Heil Hitler,” came the perfunctory reply as Oberleutnant Schmidt bounded into the office. As he expected, the room – if you didn’t include the guard (Friedrich? He wanted to say Friedrich) and himself – was unoccupied. Naturally, he was dead on time for the meeting and naturally he would be made to wait again. Schmidt picked one of the pad chairs and settled into it facing the office’s only other piece of furniture, a desk hewn from local rock and topped off with a thin sheet of steel cannibalised from the force’s now-useless lead exploration craft. To pass the time he closed his eyes and listened to his surroundings; his own, heavy breathing (this environment didn’t help); the low-pitched whirr of the ventilation system recycling the air for the ten thousandth time; just at the limits of audibility the hint of a couple of other discussions elsewhere in the structure echoed through into the semi-circular room. He felt he sensed rather than heard the general approaching but he conceded quickly his subconscious may have simply alerted him to the sounds he was zoning out of hearing. How long had he been there? He glanced at the clock on the wall. Under five minutes. Not too bad. The general and another soldier – the Festungswerkmeister, or fortress works master – entered and acknowledged the guard’s voiced salute. Friedrich was dismissed with a wave of the general’s hand leaving the three men alone. “Why, generaloberst, you’re very nearly on time!” said Schmidt, who hadn’t bothered to stand for the other two. The general grunted and slumped onto the pad chair opposite Schmidt. The fortress works master, Schroeder, smiled weakly and nodded at the oberleutnant as he took the seat next to him. “Schroeder, you’re to begin preparations for dismantling of the defences – as much as possible – and restoring the Kalkgrund to service,” said the general flatly. Two sets of eyes widened at that statement. “We’re leaving under our own power?” asked Schmidt, shifting slightly. “There are no reinforcements coming?” “We are, and there aren’t,” answered the general. “There will be no need for reinforcements because as we’ve all surmised over the past half year here there is nothing to reinforce against. This has been a colossal waste of time and effort.” He took a breath. “Naturally,” he added, “the fault lies not with our leaders but with the cunning of the enemy.” “Of course. Naturally,” answered...

SyFy Movies: Road Bees And More

Posted By Mark on Feb 5, 2015

From the always fantastic World of Crap is this list of 10 SyFy Original Movies Coming Soon: Washed up alcoholic alcoholic Fray Bentos (Michael Madsen) is worried about all the bees in his backwater truckstop from hell. So when qualified lifeguard and troubleshooter Dalton Timothy (Tara Reid) comes on the scene, they team up to take out the trash, the lowlives, and the bees that control the government of this backwater West Dakota town. Just part of the description of the Michael Madsen and Tara Reid piece Road Bees. Other movies in the list include Shark Fork and Terrorist Alligator, with each film expertly illustrated...

Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing

Posted By Mark on Feb 2, 2015

Published in 1977 Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing was the first of Joachim Tung-Deprezant’s trilogy of space vacation novels. The book follows the exploits of hapless space vacationer Annabelle Starr and the occasionally humorous adventures that befall her as she chooses increasingly inappropriate clothing for her holiday destinations on distant worlds. On the planet Leonid Beta she finds that the natives’ belief in a beast god causes diplomatic problems due to a misunderstanding with her sexy panda costume; on the therapy moon of Lucifer 6 her silk kimono patterned with spider imagery leads to a fatal stampede on Arachnophobia Beach. One of the shorter tales is a brief stop on Frigeratia with only a bikini in her luggage, and this formed the pleasing inspiration for the front cover of the book. The sequels to Inappropriate Space Vacation Clothing were progressively less well-received by the science fiction novel purchasing public. Anabelle’s Big Disco Space Vacation missed out on the international change in mood towards that form of music while Space Vacation: No Blacks was simply deemed racist and led to many questioning how the book even managed to get published at...

Genetic Experiment

Posted By Mark on Feb 1, 2015

An Amateur Movie Adventure

Posted By Mark on Feb 1, 2015

I don’t know why I started on the voyage of discovery that took me on an adventure through movies made on VHS tape and Video8 and Super 8 film recorders of the 1980s and 1990s, I only know that I enjoyed the trip. Professor Pompanickel Goes Terminal – 1992 I first found this short movie on the Internet Archive where I learnt that “Professor Pompanickel calls Gareth over to view his latest invention – a method to traverse the Universal Data Sphere allowing Specialised Security to access data from anywhere, simply and easily.” In some ways this film made me think of that classic work of Canadian film production, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank; computers, virtual interfacing doohickeys, etc. Note the opening part of this film also features a walk through Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square. Beat The System – 1993 The writer, producer, and director of the previous movie led me to this more-polished production made by members of Bournemouth University in 1993. The theme of computers and people interfacing with them – hacking, if you will – carries through but now there’s an Orwellian gameshow element to the film too. Looking for similarities in the big world of big budget productions there’s a hint of The Running Man in this one. Die 6 Astronauten (a Super 8 film by Dagie Brundert, 1992) Every adventure needs a moment of excitement and that comes in this one courtesy of a complete change of pace and something completely unrelated to the first two amateur films. Die 6 Astronauten is a short, stop-motion, art movie featuring six astronauts (you probably guessed) and (you probably guessed this part too) it was filmed on Super 8 stock in 1992 by Dagie Brundert. It’s a wonderful little movie which follows the tiny characters of Hili, Pävonen, Ngoum, Pirx, Nelson, and Dupont as they explore our world and the treasures that can be found within its open refrigerators. 23 Barbiepuppen kippen um / 23 Barbie Dolls Collapse (1988) From the same art movie maker although a lot earlier in her chosen profession is this oddly mesmerising movie with a series of dolls falling over in different ways. That’s all there is to it. And yet you’ll want to watch it. You’ll want to guess how the next doll will tumble. Fall to the side? Fall on her face? Land on another doll? Compelling stuff. The Afterlife (1984) Something else shot on Super 8, but this time it’s from Ohio native actor and director Damon Packard who produced this short film – not of great quality but that’s half the appeal with these amateur movies – called The...