Deflategate Audio Transcripts

Posted By Mark on Jan 24, 2015

The world of American Football is on edge as we await the concocted results of the NFL‘s incredible in-depth investigation into the manufactured outrage around Deflategate, that terrifying event between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts that is – at least in the NFL’s and the media’s “minds” – more serious than killing dogs, more harmful to the sport than beating up women in elevators, and more heinous than rewarding players for injuring opponents: playing a game with a ball ever-so-slightly less inflated with air than in the rule book! Some evidence has emerged… Intercepted telephone call #1: Four rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Listen very carefully, I will say this only once… Fucking telemarketers! Why don’t you all burn in a ditch?! Intercepted telephone call #2: Three rings… Hello? (digitally altered voice) Do not hang up, this is… What the hell is this shit? Is this someone playing a prank? (digitally altered voice) I am your NFL handler with instruc… What?! A robot? Why is a robot handling…? (no-longer digitally-altered voice) Oh for the love of money! This is your handler with explicit instructions regarding… I have a handler? What’s a handler? (sighs) Yes you have a handler! If you want to officiate in the NFL then yes, absolutely, you definitely have a handler and that’s me. Okay? Well… okay. I suppose. What’s your name? No names! You may refer to me as Agent L. Are you good L? I said no names! Oh! Oh, right, yes, yes, sorry. Sorry, I thought you were asking if I was Goodell. I’m just L. Okie dokie. What can I do for you then Agent Good L, wink, wink? Stop that! I have an important mission for you. If you do this right then I’ll see to it that you officiate in Superbowl fifty. Ooh! That’ll be nice. I hope it’s a simple mission. Indeed it is. You’ll be checking Tom Brady’s balls before the Colts game… Hey! That’s a horrible lie! I glanced that one time and that was all. I would never do that again! You know, I don’t think blackmail will work on… Shut up, shut up, shut up! How can you lot be so inept all the time? Before the game, okay?, the New England Patriots hand in their balls, okay?, and you check them, okay?, and then they go out onto the field, okay? Okay? Okay. Underinflate the balls on the way. That is all. Take all the air out? No! Just enough! Just enough to be below the allowed amount. Enough to increase the chances of the Colts winning. Hang on. Does the...

Jehovah’s Witnesses

Posted By Mark on Jan 24, 2015

Invest In Bigfoot

Posted By Mark on Jan 24, 2015

Investing in the stock market always carries a risk. Your investment might work out but it might not. You might lose everything. You know this, though. Everyone knows this. And that’s why shrewd investors will do a bit of homework before considering sinking money into a brand new scheme. Let’s take a look at one such investment opportunity and then do some homework. The investment opportunity From the Wall Street Journal: Mr. Biscardi and his partners hope to raise as much as $3 million by selling stock in Bigfoot Project Investments. They plan to spend the money making movies and selling DVDs, but are also budgeting $113,805 a year for expeditions to find the beast. Among the company’s goals, according to its filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission: “capture the creature known as Bigfoot.” … Mr. Biscardi, who has trumpeted a number of Bigfoot sightings and captures that didn’t pan out, is a controversial figure among Bigfoot enthusiasts. In 2008, he held a news conference in Palo Alto, Calif., to detail his examination of what he said was the carcass of a male Bigfoot that checked in at 7 feet 7 inches tall and weighed more than 500 pounds. The Bigfoot, found by two men in Georgia, turned out to be a rubber gorilla costume stuffed with animal parts and outfitted with a set of teeth that may have been bovine in origin. That’s a hell of an opportunity. DVDs! And possible capture of the legendary creature that is Bigfoot! The homework In five years time DVDs may not exist. Bigfoot already doesn’t exist. Happy investing...

Breaking Sticks

Posted By Mark on Jan 20, 2015

Rutland High School Yearbook 1971

Posted By Mark on Jan 15, 2015

The Internet Archive is always a great place to have a virtual wander through if you’re forever finding yourself stuck in a timewarp of nostalgia like me. It doesn’t help you escape the timewarp of nostalgia – not that you’d ever want to because it’s nice there – but it does make it even more enjoyable. So, today’s discovery has been the the publications of the Rutland Historical Society and, in particular, the Rutland High School Yearbooks. You might have been able to work that out from the title of this post because I can see you and you look smart. It’s quite possible that some schools in the UK do yearbooks and possibly have for some some time but in my experience they’re a purely American phenomenon that I’ve heard about, seen glimpses of in films and on TV, and know next-to-nothing else about. This makes discovering scanned American high school yearbooks very interesting and for no other reason than it’s the year I was born in I’ve decided to take a nose through the Rutland High School Yearbook of 1971. The inside cover and evidence that before there were fonts there were still fonts. And what beautiful fonts they were! Look at that “70-71” and picture any other decade in which a more suitable font wrote something appropriate to the era. You can’t! Mostly because you’re not sure what I’m saying. I’m not sure what I’m saying and I just wrote it. I think I’m saying it’s quite seventiesish. A message from the superintendent Dr James Tinney. He knew that the students of Rutland High School were going to accomplish great things. But did he know know? Or did he get some kind of guidance through… … astrology!? No. It was neither of those things. He was just being polite. He couldn’t wait to see the back of them. But who is them? I’m glad you asked. David Cook. CRASH! Jan Eastman. D.A.R. girl. I dont know what a D.A.R. girl is. I think it’s probably got something to do with her hair. It’s quite impressive hair. Judy Godnick. Teensy-weensy bikinis and BIG MOUTH. Judy sounds like the sort of person I’d have liked. And she had a dune buggy. You never know when those will come in useful. You suspect it’s around dunes but you never know for sure. David Alberico. One of the Fantastic Four. I’ve ruled out Invisible Woman but he could be any of the other three. Richard Savage. Good head. Well, that’s nice to know. High schools were very progressive back in the early seventies. Barbara McKirryher. Which boy this week? The...