Fun Without Sex

Posted By Mark on Dec 29, 2012

Electropop Triple

Posted By Mark on Dec 29, 2012

I’ve been lounging about on the new Myspace (here I am!) and discovering some new music, which is pretty much the point of the service. Not quite sure that the social aspect of Myspace quite works yet but it’s still in beta so things could improve. Anyway, here, have a few videos of artists I’ve recently discovered, all of whom roughly fall inside the techno electropop industrial gothy sort of genre. That’s a very valid genre. Ayria – My Device Aural Vampire – Cannibal Coast Angelspit – Toxic Girl (Uncensored –...

The Pie Piper

Posted By Mark on Dec 26, 2012

Once upon a time, in the city of Chichester which sat in West Sussex not far from the Hampshire border, there was a plague. It was not a plague such as where you might find your neighbours coughing up blood and falling down dead in the street, oh no! This was a plague of the feathered variety; pigeons, to be precise. Pigeons were everywhere. On the ground, in the trees, in the buildings, even in people's homes. And the people of Chichester were not best pleased. "We are not best pleased," they agreed at a meeting to decide how to deal with the pigeons but that was all they could initially agree upon. Some people suggested eating the pigeons but others argued that to do so would be to eat everything that the pigeons ate too and this quite turned a number of stomachs present. Some people suggested shooting the pigeons but guns and bows and arrows were in short supply as Chichester was a civilised place and hitherto had suffered no need of such barbaric instruments. As the meeting drew to a close with no resolution in sight the people of Chichester were more glum than they had been before and they stared forlornly at the doors of the meeting hall, dreading the infestation of pigeons into which they would need to venture. Just then, the doors swung open and in stepped a woman with long, blonde hair, dressed in black, and wearing a bag across her body. "I can rid your city of pigeons," she declared. "But it will cost you!" "Anything!" the people cried. The woman nodded and walked away. From her bag she started removing miniature Cornish pasties and discarding them on the ground and everyone saw that the pigeons flocked to fight over whatever tasty morsels they could wrestle. The blonde woman wandered through the city and continued to drop food for the vermin and in this manner she led all the pigeons outside Chichester's walls and down to the canal. The people followed from a distance, hardly daring to believe their eyes. One by one each and every pigeon hopped, flew, and fought its way into the canal waters desperate to get every last crumb of the pasties that floated on its surface. And every pigeon was attacked and killed by the rats that lived nearby. "I have rid you of your pigeons," said the blonde woman. "Now I wish to set up a store selling cheap scarves in your main street." The people of Chichester were aghast. "Cheap scarves!" they cried. "That's far too common for Chichester! We won't do it!" And...

Slices Of Star Trek

Posted By Mark on Dec 26, 2012

“Beam him out of there lieutenant commander.” “Can’t get a lock sir! The shields are up.” “Very well. Get a tractor beam lock on the ship.” “Tractor beam locked on.” “And there’s no way they can break out of that now?” “Not unless they send some kind of pulse back up the tractor beam.” “Like they always do?” “Yes.” “And we still haven’t got a fix in place for that?” “Not yet.” “I’m beginning to wonder why we even have this stupid beam.” “The ship has broken free!” “Pulse back up the beam? Of course it was! Why am I even asking?” * “Captain! We have an unauthorised launch in the shuttle bay!” “Who is it?” “It’s that ensign who was just acting a bit weirdly after getting bit by that strange insect on our most recent away mission but we all decided could still have full roaming capabilities and access to the ship’s systems.” “Seal the shuttle bay doors!” “Too late. The shuttle has left the bay.” “Okay… okay… can I get a straight answer as to why exactly the doors weren’t sealed anyway? Anyone? Anyone?” * “They’re opening fire!” “Evasive pattern delta!” “We’ve taken direct hits to engineering and the port nacelle! Shields buckling!” “What?! Even after using evasive pattern delta?!” “Yes! It appears that a pre-programmed method of flying in an attempt to avoid fire from enemy ships is no match for actually responding to the situation at hand.” “Fire photon torpedoes! Dispersal pattern sierra!” “Torpedoes away! No hits!” “Not one of their ships was where we were hoping they’d be?” “No sir! Furthermore, computer modelling indicates two torpedoes will impact on currently-populated areas of a planet in this system in a little over eight years’ time.” * “We might be able to lose our pursuers in the nebula at three one five mark nine.” “Is that one of those perfectly safe nebulae or one of the ones that harbours something arguably worse than what we’re facing out here?” “There are safe nebulae?” “Experience so far says no.” * “Open hailing frequencies.” “Hailing frequencies open.” “Approaching vessel: we are just passing through this system and mean you no harm. Ensign: anything?” “Nothing, captain. I suppose it’s possible that they don’t use the same hailing frequencies as us though.” “I’d never thought about that. Do we have a big blanket we can write on and hang outside the front?” * “Have you locked the intruder out of our computer systems?” “Yes captain… wait… he’s bypassing our security measures and re-routing commands from the control deck to engineering.” “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Windows...

The Time Of Many Elephants

Posted By Mark on Dec 23, 2012

Today’s reading comes from the book of Pachydermia, Chapter 4. 1We are in the last days before The Time Of Many Elephants. 2You will know the eve of the day from the clouds in the sky and the grass on the ground. Both will take on a bit of a grey tinge. 3Look then unto the north and cup your hands behind your ears so that you may better hear the approaching horde. Also, so that you may resemble their holy shape and be spared the crush from their immaculate mass. 4But shun the disbelievers and the doubters. 5In The Time Of Many Elephants disbelievers and doubters will have their disbeliefs and doubts flattened to squelchy, red, messy stains. And they will require bleach to remove. But you don’t have time to bleach their infidel marks. 6Hark not to their cries that two elephants do not constitute many elephants at all. 7Your memory is your weapon. 8Like the mighty elephant, never forget the words of the prophet Babar for did he not say unto the Incredulous that it is better to be trampled by no elephants than one and that one elephant, therefore, is one too many? 9What say you then to the number two if it is not one more than one? Surely it is many more than zero, where zero is the number accorded to no elephants at all! 10Rejoice for The Time Of Many Elephants is at hand! 11If you are righteous then you will prepare the path ahead of the Many Elephants. 12Gather to you as if your life depended upon it all the peanuts you can find. And your life surely depends upon it. 13Scatter to the grey-tinged grass the food of the Many Elephants and lead the way from the north to the south and to the sea. But look out! for Evil will always try to stop Good. 14Hunt down the terrifying mice that would pause not one second before scaring the crap out of The Many Elephants. Mice are grey and the ground is grey-tinged and the challenge is mighty but only the mighty challenges are worth attempting. 15Hard is the path to Salvation when The Time Of Many Elephants comes around. 16Listen to the trumpet blasts and praise The Many Elephants! They approach! 17But they will need passage across the sea to the south. 18Book two tickets on the hovercraft but pack nothing else for The Many Elephants will be carrying their own trunks. 19Laugh out loud and praise be to The Many Elephants for that corny joke! 20The Time Of Many Elephants will soon be upon you. 21The ground...