It won’t be long until the Britain votes whether to remain in the EU and risk the terror of what we know or to leave it (the horribly-named Brexit Option) and risk the terror of what we don’t know.
Everyone who can vote and who intends to vote has already made their mind up about it. There are no undecided people left but there is a lot of airtime to fill and column inches to write and website articles to get spidered and ignored and so here comes my explanation of the benefits of leaving the EU just for the hell of it.
Being part of a large union of like-minded people with shared goals may convey many benefits such as strength and stability but there’s also something deeply romantic about being that lonely drifter hanging around outside the window staring in, occasionally playing with himself for warmth.
1. Pension Excitement
In case you’re wondering why it’s mostly older people or those incapable of adapting to the fast changes in modern life in favour of leaving the EU then the answer becomes obvious when you realise that many of these people are bored. They’re already retired or approaching that age. There’s a life being lived by younger people out there filled with thrills they’ve missed out on through the lottery of being born too early. Leaving the EU gives them something to get the heart racing; it gives them an uncertain stock market and a higher likelihood of a reduced pension.
Take a hypothetical old man who’s currently looking at living for decades in a well-insulated house during our increasingly milder, shorter winters, knowing he’ll always be able to afford another couple of cardigans to put over the three he’s always wearing even if he can’t actually break the bank to switch on the heating for the one chilly weekend that causes the Daily Express to announce the start of a new Ice Age. Where is his joy? Now consider a diminished pension pot and not even being able to buy a solitary cardigan. That excitement of not knowing if he’s going to survive a winter is back! That social joy of attending somebody else’s funeral in January is a given! And that’s why he’s voting to leave the EU.
2. Better Foreign Holidays
If there’s nothing you like more than escaping this dreary country at every opportunity to go spend a few weeks in one of those warmer countries you’re desperately trying to distance yourself from when you vote for Brexit then just think how much better it will be when it’s that much harder? For most people in favour of leaving the EU the best thing about foreign holidays is complaining about airport queues and how foreign everything is when they get where they’re going. The benefits of Brexit are no more fast-tracking through the EU citizens queue and less of a sense of togetherness with our continental neighbours making everything just a little bit more other than before. Oh, the complaints you’ll have when you holiday outside Britain following its exit! Such memories to share!
3. Young British People Everywhere!
Brexit supporters use the argument that there will be better control of immigration which means more jobs available for the youth who seemingly keep getting overlooked for the menial jobs migrants are happy to perform for the same pay and conditions. No longer will an employer have to make the difficult decision between hiring someone fleeing a country on the edge of war and looking to start afresh or someone seeking a better life for his family or someone sent by the job centre under threat of having his benefits withdrawn; after Brexit it’s young Miss Not Happy To Be There At All or nobody which should transform the country’s economy in ways we can only dream of. Leaving the EU gives Britain the chance to lead the world in forcibly, probably only very temporarily employing the British youth in jobs they’ll consider beneath themselves leading to resentment, poorer service, increasing costs being pushed out onto everyone else. I know that all sounds pretty negative if you want to remain in the EU but it’s a benefit for Brexit supporters because spending less on more in a peaceful environment where most people are trying to get on as best they can sounds horribly European and not very British at all.
Service with a sneer is the kind of British ideal that will bring tourists to these isles in their dozens just to appreciate how much better it is to have nothing to do with us too.
4. New Markets
Brexit will give the people of Britain the chance to experience imported products from new international markets as the long delays in renegotiating contracts with existing partners draw on through the following decade. It may be that British people have to do without the latest and best value TVs, computers, and phones but this will be more than compensated by the exciting new products coming out of fresh deals with places like Australia (venomous spiders, venomous snakes, venomous sand), Japan (tentacle soup, tentacled whalemeat, tentacled schoolgirl outfits), and North Korea (Kim Jong-un video cassettes, Kim Jong-un deely boppers, Kim Jong-un fissile material).
5. More Money for the NHS
By leaving the EU Britain will have more money to spend each year that would otherwise go to helping to form a more level playing field in Europe and strengthen trade and the national economy. That money, say supporters of Brexit, would mean more could be spent on the NHS, for instance. Supporters of Brexit are overwhelmingly right of centre, most likely typical UKIP and hardline Conservative supporters, both of which parties are dead set on dismantling the NHS and trying their hardest not to spend anything on it. So the reality is that the money that could be spent on the NHS will end up going to business associates of the MPs instead but the important thing for people who support the NHS and support Britain leaving the EU is that the money could go to the NHS. It won’t. But it could. In theory. Even though it’ll never happen. But it’s at least a possibility if every member of the right wing parties suffered head injuries giving them benevolent personality changes making them more empathetic to society. And that’s something. Potentially.
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