Something for ornithologists and amateur bird-watchers alike, a selection of some of the more rare birds you might just spot out and about around the eastern coast of England between late summer and early winter.
Factory Swan
Named because their black feathers were believed to be the result of soot belching out from late Victorian factories when the birds were first identified living in large groups alongside the Thames estuary these swans are actually 19th century immigrants from Iceland whose colouring made them easy to spot by predators once that country underwent The Coldening during the early 1800s. Their beaks have a very distinctive red flash along the top in adulthood, the result of staining from the swans’ preferred food source of subterranean cherries.
Narcissus Tern
Visually very similar to other terns along shorelines across northern Europe but distinguishable by silver flecks across the breast and eyes typically 15% larger than other birds of the Sternidae familiy, it is, however, the behaviour of these seabirds that gives them their obvious name; prior to courting – and to a lesser extent immediately before feeding – the Narcissus Tern will often seek out highly reflective surfaces and stare at itself intently, grooming when necessary, but sometimes simply staring at itself at the expense of all other activity. Some bird experts suggest this forms a means of “psyching itself up” although there is no consensus of opinion.
Magpie Eagle
Not a magpie and not an eagle, but actually a medium-sized hawk typically residing in urban areas in a rough triangle formed of London, Colchester, and Ramsgate during the colder weather, moving to the countryside as the temperatures increase. The bird’s feathers form a black and white fractal pattern that roughly resembles birds in flight but it’s the hawk’s unusual penchant for stealing bright objects with which to decorate its nesting areas – vacant beehives – that gives it part of its name; the remainder being a printing mistake from the definitive 1932 publication of British Hawks & Turtles that’s yet to be rectified.
Logan’s Turnstone
Like other turnstones the Logan’s Turnstone lives by the coast and feeds on insects, crustaceans, and molluscs, most often in areas with seaweed-covered rocks. Unlike other turnstones the Logan’s Turnstone often throws itself off cliff edges in large numbers once it reaches what is for the bird old age; for reasons not understood it will not use its wings and will either smash itself on the surface below or, if above water, allow itself to drown. The name Logan’s Turnstone was adopted in the 1970s after the movie Logan’s Run, replacing the previous and politically-incorrect name of Retard Bird.
Decorator Owl
As you can tell from the eye colour the Decorator Owl – mostly found along the northern and eastern coastline of Kent – is diurnal, typically awake and hunting during daylight hours. As you can tell from its name and the extendable paint roller it’s carrying in its talons the Decorator Owl spends the rest of its time doing up houses for reasonable rates. However, being a bird of prey the Decorator Owl is not registered with the Painting and Decorating Association because the association is bird racist.
Eastern Long-Legged Whoopy
Britain’s most solitary wading bird on account of its extraordinarily long and thick right leg making it the laughing stock of the avian world the Eastern variant of the Long-Legged Whoopy is notable for upcycling things it finds in landfills as fashion items; above you can see how a lamp shade has become a lovely skirt.
Gentleman Gull
The Gentleman Gull’s name derives from its distinctive call which sounds like the sigh of a member of the aristocracy remembering the good old days of the British Empire while wistfully staring out at the sun setting on the horizon across from what the land has become, all the while considering that after a restless night’s sleep a new day will dawn and it too will rise to work, be respectful, try not to ruffle any feathers (pun intended), and see what it can do about getting a decent cup of tea from somewhere. And it always wears a little top hat. It is so adorable.
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