Awful Music Videos
This is a post about awful music videos. The good thing about the rise in streaming video sites these days – apart from the increased exposure of the world to the inanity of teenagers with webcams – is that this particular post can not only talk about music videos that are truly, desperately terrible, it can link to them as well. Hell! It can embed them! What a wondrous age we live in! Let’s get on with it … The Buggles – Living In The Plastic Age Really quite probable video pitch: "I’m drawn to the word plastic. I’m thinking: plastic! And lots of it! And rubber gloves!" "Rubber gloves? They’re not plastic." "Trust me, they’ll look plastic on film. And it’s futurey, just like the whole idea of the song: living in the plastic age. Futurey." "It’s about modern living, not future living." "Futurey living." "Ookaayy. Look, fine, plastic sounds good. What else?" "You’ve used sparklers to frighten old people at Halloween, right? Picture this: superimposed sparklers using seamless blue screen technology! That’s an expensive special effect. Very futurey." "Superimposed sparklers and special effects are two phrases that don’t go together. Fine. I guess we can afford it. That all?" "I’ve got a job lot of tinted safety goggles. Can let you use them in the video for cost." "Why?" Shakin’ Stevens – You Drive Me Crazy Official record of video idea discussion: "Look ‘ere boyo! I’m sick and tired of being portrayed as someone grannies love. I want a harder edge. I want danger! I want class! I want people to envy me and say ‘Oh, that Shaky! He’s so rugged and hunky!’ Do I make myself clear?" "Okay. Try this: glamorous women all over the place! Not a granny in sight!" "I like it! Can we afford it?" "Photos of glamorous women all over the place!" "That sounds cost effective. That’s the style taken care of. What about the rough, chiselled edge?" "The story to this is: you’re a house intruder! Maybe a mansion intruder!" "That does sound scary and manly. Boys you’ve excelled yourself! Anything else?" "Steve Davis is very popular. I think we can work a snooker table into the video storyline somewhere." "I feel a number one coming on!" Sister Sledge – Frankie Let’s transport ourselves back to whenever the hell they thought up this awful video idea: "Listen girls, long-lost, forgotten love … I like it, it’s what I would have come up with. We’re thinking along the same lines. That’s good. But … harassing someone at every stage to try to get them to remember you? That’ll be a little tough...
An Interview With The Sugababes
Today we’re lucky to have all-girl group action at neOnbubble in the form of all-girl group The Sugababes. They’ve undergone a few changes in line-up over the past few years but have kept a strong fanbase in the United Kingdom, Kazakhstan, and elsewhere. Girls, ladies, babes; first question: What do you think happened in the first few instants after the Big Bang? KEISHA: I’m pretty sure Mutya and Siobhan were in the band at that time, probably mostly in some exotic quark form. Amelle and Heidi would not form for some time until the initial expansion had slowed and larger building blocks of subatomic matter started to coalesce. HEIDI: I’ve never been a fan of the Big Bang theory; after all, what is a theory? It’s something you just can’t prove isn’t it? I also don’t like the accepted standpoint that the universe is even expanding like some balloon. My belief is that we’re in a giant Dyson Sphere created by Egyptians that protects us from the void beyond the universe – the limits of which are only just beyond Pluto – and stops us going mad by projecting a starry, galactic nightscape on its inner shell. The red shift is explained by the failing projection system and it also explains why we’ve never been contacted by aliens: the universe is too small! AMELLE: Hello. I believe in aliens. Are you concerned about climate change and the fact that carbon emissions keep rising in Britain year-on-year? KEISHA: We’ve always been concerned about ecological issues ever since Siobhan’s personal carbon emissions began to affect recording sessions. That’s a joke. It was more a methane-sodium soup cloud. HEIDI: You state that emissions are rising as a fact but, really, what is a fact? It’s faith in something because of evidence, isn’t it? Well, evidence can be planted or simply misinterpreted. How do we know that carbon emissions aren’t actually falling but having a knock-on effect on trees which are producing more less oxygen to compensate, affecting the balance of nitrogen in the atmosphere and destabilising the gyros in the carbon detectors? Think about it. AMELLE: The aliens could secrete CFCs through their retinal membranes. We should concentrate on uploading viruses to their motherships. Norway and Japan just love to hunt whales. What’s wrong with them? KEISHA: Siobhan left the group during our Japanese tour and I always wondered whether her decision to leave was more because of the barbarity of our hosts’ country’s slaughter-loving lifestyle and less my constant taunts about her ginger hair. I hope it was the former; I can finally get some closure and stop seeing my therapist....
The Joy Of Pointing with Tim Westwood
Can’t think what to do this Summer? Why not learn a new skill? Discover The Joy Of Pointing. Impress your posse with the illest, dopest, flyest, defest, dumbest, and blindest skills this side of Heaven. Sign up for a comprehensive, high-octane course in Street Pointing with the Point Professor himself, Tim Westwood, octagenarian BBC Radio 1 DJ and host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride UK. Take a look at the course preview! Look man, look! Basic Attitude PointThe Basic Attitude Point is the pointing technique from which all other points form. Beginners must perfect this first pointing method before progressing. Ideal when you need to keep it simple or take the wayback machine to the days of old school and beyond or if you’ve only got one hand free. Once this skill is mastered you’ll also find it has everyday uses too allowing you to call elevators and pick your nose more efficiently. Westwood says … Yo! Now your basic point needs that classic Westwood attitude. Say it! At-ti-tude! It looks simple to an outsider but this is still the bomb. Mmmmm. Cra-zeee. Look at those other fingers. You need wicked fly skills to keep it real like that. Do I make myself clear? Understand that! Exactly. Other cats might just concentrate on the index finger but not this dude. Recognise! The Double Dead WormsThe Double Dead Worms gets its name from the resemblance to two creatures of the phylum Annelida suffering from rigor mortis. Essentially a Basic Attitude Point duplicated and mirrored there are still some noticeable differences that, if not taught properly, will render your street cred zero. Zero. You want to be a hero, not a zero. Westwood says … Are you tired of getting stomped on? Exactly. Now you want the crazy dope Dee to the Dee Double-you. That’s Double Dead Worms baby. Or Dope Def Wicked! Yeah, you know it! Recognise. You will be having a lot of fun out there with this pimped-up bomb of a point. Two hands! Exactly. Yo. So gangsta, so old school. Respect! Two Fingers Of WhiskeyDeriving its name from the Wild West custom of ordering whiskey by the thickness of the barman’s fingers and originating, appropriately enough, from the west coast of America, the Two Fingers pointing technique at once brings the pointer back to his or her childhood playing with pretend guns. Your bitches and/or hos will also appreciate this and you’ll find out why on the course. Westwood says … Exactly! It’s a shutdown, it’s a takeover. You take your one-finger pointers and you tear them down. Recognise. Cold lampin’! Two fingers is more than enough...
How to be a DJ
I was blessed with the pure joy of attending a surprise 50th birthday party over the weekend. It was the usual affair: groups of people who didn’t know one another singularly not mingling – for that is the British way! – in a church hall decorated with balloons and amusing photographs from across the decades of the to-be-surprised victim interspersed among the various drawings of nightmares by children from the local school who use the church hall on a more regular basis. Posters on the walls depicted kids jumping next to the word ‘Jump’, hopping next to the word ‘Hop’, sitting next to the word ‘Sit’, and setting fire to the substitute teacher next to the word ‘Arson’. Education has come on a way since I was at school. There was a smell in the air that was at once both endearing – since it was so distinctly the very smell of school from childhood – and revolting – since my imagination concluded the chair I was sitting on may have been used my some six year-old who’d peed himself just the week before. Food was buffet-style and consisted mostly of crisps and nuts. There may have been quiche too but I was loathe to lift the foil on the plate next to the plastic cups and discover if this was so. Being a church hall and therefore an establishment lacking a bar this was also a "bring your own bottle" event; carrier bags that had ported inside them bottles of Jack Daniels or generic gin, or boxes of wine, or packs of cans of bitter were dotted under every table just out of the way of the small clearing space in the room centre allocated for the spectacle of "dancing". In essence it was an occasion done on the cheap, which is no terrible thing in this modern climate of terrorists on every corner and mass redundancies by text message and squirrels with murderous intent in their eyes in the corner of the bedroom. But, the organisers had splashed out for a DJ! Being raised a strict non-mingler Catholic and knowing approximately 1% of the people in attendance I was granted the time to sit back and observe what it is to be a DJ. All your Fatboy Slims and your Paul Oakenfolds and your Jazzy Jeffs had to start somewhere before they earned any respect and that place was DJing a mobile disco at a party, or a wedding, or a funeral, or a Christmas function, or a bar or bat mitzvah. With my dream of being ridiculously rich and not having to work for a living...
Pictures of Lady Sovereign
If there’s one thing that writing my Pictures Of Jentina article back in June of 2004 has taught me it’s that I’m not that bad at optimising my site and content in order to draw people in, people like to see pictures of celebrities (artistic licence for use of the word "celebrities";bear with me), and children these days are uncapable of spelling. Okay, that’s three things. And uncapable was deliberate. Anyway, hot on the heels of that Jentina post (or nearly a year later if you want to get all technical and accurate about it) comes the next in my thrilling series: Pictures Of Semi-Famous People ‘N’ 100% True Facts ‘N’ Stuff. It was a difficult choice selecting a new beneficiary for this series but in the end I chose Lady Sovereign. There were a number of reasons why I chose Lady Sovereign but the main one was an attempt to stop people still leaving comments on the Jentina article: it’s been eleven months people! Stop it already! I know most of you couldn’t spell if your life depended on it but I was harbouring a small hope that you knew what dates were, what they looked like, and in what approximate order they tended to appear. So, on with this entry where I’ve promised to show Lady Sovereign pictures and reveal information about the diminutive singer never before revealed or even made up! FACT: Lady Sovereign was raised by a family of magicians in London’s beautiful ghetto of Wembley. A fully paid-up member of the magic circle to this day, she uses many of the tricks she has been taught from an early age to distract and entertain people, the most notable being always standing behind a convex lens to appear larger than her true 2’7" frame. FACT: Lady Sovereign and Jentina are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, shellsuits versus tracksuits, Wiley-Kit versus Wiley-Kat, Knight Rider versus Are You Being Served? They meet every Saturday night and wrestle in mud with razor blade-studded mittens but nobody is allowed to watch. I have a secret video though but it makes me feel funny when I watch it and I couldn’t possibly share it with a stranger. FACT: Although she is not allowed to drive a car for security reasons (and because boxes strapped to the feet, while amusing in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, are frowned upon by Her Majesty’s traffic police), Lady Sovereign is permitted to take her fleet of dirigibles out whenever she wants. Last year she fell through a timehole above Harrods and helped to defend London...
Girls Aloud: Pictures and information
I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either. Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on. Who Are Girls Aloud? That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining. Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old...
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