Your next Britney
As the whole world is aware, Britney Spears is now Britney Federline. Many girls are green with envy: a dancer with two children by another woman. Oh, if only they could be that lucky and find a man with a gay career and baggage from a previous relationship just like him! More importantly, many men are suicidal with depression. Admittedly, these "many men" are mainly those who tick the box marked Do you have an unhealthy fixation with a famous person? in surveys but that accounts for 63% of my visitors and that makes me care. Britney’s gone. She’s not available. She is an ex-future-Mrs-Stalker. Let me help. Let me convince you that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don’t despair! If there’s one thing that the ex-deeply religious, ex-chaste, ex-attractive, and ex-talented (just kidding; she was never talented) Mrs Federline has shown the world it’s that celebrities are often not that picky about their partners. This means you still have a chance with any of the following available "babes": Paris Hilton Who?: Desperately shy and introverted heiress to the Hilton hotel group who overcame shyness and introvertiness (no, I’m not checking to see if it’s a word) which just leaves "desperate". How?: A digital camcorder, fast internet connection, and no qualms about having your flabby body viewed (and mocked) by three quarters of the world’s population appear to be the minimum requirements to appeal to Miss Hilton‘s needs. Better Than Britney?: Have you seen Britney naked and performing sex acts for digital posterity? Obviously, if you’re reading this in 2008 then your answer may be different but right now that’s a tick in Miss Hilton’s box. You can take that literally if it pleases you to do so but I couldn’t possibly comment on it. Britney Beats Her?: Britney still wins in the physical appearance stakes unless you’re a fan of the "built like a holocaust survivor" look. Geri Halliwell Who?: Former member of the Spice Girls and often referred to as "Lacking Any Redeeming Features Spice" until that became too confusing and "Ginger" was chosen instead. Rumours that it is short for "gingivitis" were started in this sentence. How?: Geri is apparently attracted to fame. And homosexuals. If you are a famous homosexual then you’re in luck, otherwise you’d simply better pretend to be one. Sir Ian McKellen springs to mind. There! Dress up as Gandalf. Better Than Britney?: Geri is easier to spell than Britney or "Brintey" as I keep typing, meaning anniversary and birthday cards are less likely to have crossings-out on them causing "Woman Rage™" or "Woman Sulk™" or "Woman Cutting Off...
Albums a-go-go!
People frequently stop me on the street and say "Mark, you’re so hip, you’re so now, you’re the man I wish I had been, you’re no longer under investigation for running a white slavery ring, you’re practically poured into those jeans, you’re in the way, you’re gonna die in the flames of hell for all eternity for what you did to my alsatian" and then follow it up with "but what is the real you really like?" and I laugh in their faces because it’s all true but I have no desire to let anyone into knowing the real me and having that desire triggers off my giggle gland. But people – in addition to the all-pervasive odour – are inquisitive and persistant and I have grown tired of the involuntary chortling. So, by way of a compromise and with a quick check around for non sequiturs – we appear to be clear – I’ve had a hunt through my record collection and pulled out albums that I think will help explain my inner workings without me actually having to do much myself. Observe the scans, read the reviews, and conclude what you will. Kros Kris – Trapped In Moscow Zoo This was the Russian duo’s follow-up album to the hugely successful (in Kazakhstan) debut Deffer Than Gorky which you may remember as it featured the dance anthem Jump, Or Be Shot As A Spy. Their second album dropped most of the hip-hop beats and Americanisms that had gained them a cult following among young soviet boys and embraced the concept of the concept album using orchestral arrangements, choral backing, and samples of wild animals to appeal to a wider and hopefully more-evenly-spaced-among-the-sexes audience. It bombed. Kros Kris consisted of Alexei "Mack Tolstoy" Finlandia and Viktor "Tolstoy Mack" Stolichnaya. Their record company dropped them after disappointing sales of Trapped In Moscow Zoo and both boys returned to their pre-music-career jobs as cinema ushers. I bought this album in 1997 as the concept behind it appealed to me. At the time I had been planning a daring heist on Marwell Zoo which involved releasing the caged beasts as a distraction. After listening to Tolstoy Mack’s quivering, childlike voice on "Please Don’t Let The Penguins In The Storeroom" my conscience refused to let me go ahead with my plan and I started a timeshare business instead. Various Artists – Stars Of Lithuania NME said: "K-Tel have done it again and produced the definitive album of up-and-coming and well-established and disappeared-suddenly music stars of Lithuania. From the erotic ballad ‘Plastik 69’ by pop duo Sisters Volvo through to the hard-rocking, upbeat, angry...
Pictures of Jentina
Ever since I linked to this article about Jentina this site has been hit with an increasing number of searches for "pictures of Jentina." A cruel, evil, twisted madman with hate in his soul, venom in his blood, and psychopathic goblins controlling his bodily functions might try to take advantage of this traffic and concoct some poorly-formed article about the young singer in the hope of drawing in more and more of the fans desperate to gaze in awe at the next big thing to hit the UK charts for no reason other than spite. This insane genius might litter his article with phrases such as "Jentina, naked!" or "topless photos of Jentina" because he suspects that many of the "fans" are actually "perverts." Or male, which amounts to the same thing. As pure, unadulterated, bad luck would have it I am half evil on my mother’s side. So, for those who don’t know, let’s fill in some details about singing "sensation" Jentina and we’ll also make a bit of an effort to stop enclosing everything in "quotation marks" as it can "get" annoying when overdone or done wr"ongl"y. Jentina is one of fourteen children to a Romany mum. We don’t know anything about her dad and just because her mum is Romany and she has thirteen siblings it would not be fair to simply assume that neither does she. Mildly amusing and quite probable, but not fair. She grew up in Surrey which, for those who don’t know, is one of the posher areas of England. It could well have been the fact that being part of an extensive family of gypsies burning things and pissing on Aston Martins in the centre of Guildford city centre is what helped get her noticed. But it’s just as likely that music producers are drawn to voids where talent is absent like moths to a collapsing binary star system inhabited by other moths with a string of bad luck that sees their binary star systems collapse with alarming regularity. Bad Ass Strippa is the single whose release is imminent and whose video can be seen on The Box and Kiss if you’re unlucky enough to be flicking past at the wrong time on the way to Kerrang. You can also see the video to the song on Jentina‘s website. The song tells the story of Strippa, an ass bought by the poor villagers of Kingston Upon Thames with their combined savings to help them transport their wares to Olde Londone Towne. Strippa, despite being an ass, was as stubborn as a mule and as wily as the wily donkey, and ate...
Phil Oakey’s Ego
In the adverts during the Budweiser UK Open darts on Sunday (yes, I am that rock ‘n’ roll and then some!!!!) – so close Rocky, so close – I kept flicking over to VH-1 and their Top 100 Something I Can’t Quite Remember To Do With Icons programme. And it set me thinking … Television producers and schedulers are a bunch of lazy gits most of the time; the rest of the time they’re passed out drunk in a pool of someone else’s blood-riddled vomit. It’s not a generalisation: it’s a job requirement. This laziness and drunken behaviour explains the sheer volume of programmes with titles like "Top 100 Handsome Boy Band Members" and "Top Moustachioed Female Divas Of The 1980s." Programmes of lists. The television equivalent of many blogs. In order to have a list programme you need a list – and it doesn’t matter if it’s been done before so long as it’s got a new title – and some "celebrities" to endorse choices on the list. For instance, if you were about to fill in a four hour slot with "Top 100 Fashion Disaster Pop Singers Of The 1990s" then you’ll need to have people from the world of pop (Alvin Stardust, for instance), the world of fashion (Vivienne Westwood, for example), and the world of pretentious art reviews (I haven’t got a clue I’m happy to say.) As you watch more and more of these programmes you begin to notice something: some people crop up on almost every programme, they say pretty much the same things every time, and often they don’t appear to be connected in any way to the subject matter at hand (hmmm, why is John Major explaining why Christina Aguilera deserves her top 10 position on Top 100 Gusset Shots In Videos?) One person who crops up again and again is Phil Oakey. You may remember him from such bands as The Human League and from his collaboration with Georgio Moroder on the soundtrack to the movie about love with powered inanimate objects, Electric Dreams. He had odd hair. There’s a picture of him on this page. Phil Oakey will talk about anyone or anything, anywhere and anytime. That’s not to say that he’s a sell-out in any way; oh no, his integrity is as solid as a rock with a coating of RockBeHard™, the rock solidifier, as evidenced by the fact that at no time ever has he ever had a nice thing to say about anyone ever. Ever. To prove it I’ve gathered up some Oakey quotes. All of these quotes are 100% genuine article reproductions from my head....
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