Stars Of The NFL
Almost a whole year ago I penned – using my keyboard – an article entitled American Football Explained wherein I explained the sport known as American Football (do you see how titles work?). As a result of that article I received many plaudits – none of which can be exchanged for goods or services in the shops so thankyou very much for nothing – but, more importantly, I filled from my ankles to just below my ears with the warm glow of knowing that I had helped some people, somewhere, somehow to understand and appreciate the sport I love so much. So now you know the rules of American Football and you’ve probably even picked a team to follow. Maybe it’s the Arizona Cardinals because you’re a bit funny like that. Well, what’s next? Yes, you need to pick up some useless facts about the people, places, and things of the sport with which you can bore friends in the pub. Let’s have a quick look at some of the Stars of the NFL. Bill Cowher Bill Cowher is the only head coach in the NFL to have been created by the Jim Henson company using leftover parts from the Electric Mayhem Band, most often seen on The Muppet Show. But don’t think for a second that he’s a puppet or some amazing animatronic gizmo: Bill Cowher is 100% alive and 125% chin. His creation was funded – in part – by sales of Pittsburgh’s Terrible Towels, a fact that burns him to the core and drives him to uncontrollable rage whenever he sees one. But Steeler’s fans are heartless beasts and wave them mercilessly anyway. Drawing much of his superhuman strength – like Samson – from his moustache, Cowher nevertheless relies on his most famous undermouth feature to control his tough football team. Capable of striking outwards like the inner mouth of the Alien Queen in Aliens, the Cowher Chin demands discipline and gets it. Steelers Quarterback "Big" Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger was very almost re-nicknamed "Chin-Impaled Vegetable Burger" for missing an open receiver early this season in the losing game against the Patriots. Luckily, some towel-waving distracted Cowher and the young QB survived. Brett Favre Brett has been the starting Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers since the formation of the NFL back in 1920. Possibly even longer. Some fans believe he – imbued with the powers of ancient Greek Titans – may even have created the NFL, forging it from stone broken from the banks of Green Bay itself. We call them "crazy fans". Everyone knows the NFL is made from plastic. More interesting than Favre...
The Joy Of Pointing with Tim Westwood
Can’t think what to do this Summer? Why not learn a new skill? Discover The Joy Of Pointing. Impress your posse with the illest, dopest, flyest, defest, dumbest, and blindest skills this side of Heaven. Sign up for a comprehensive, high-octane course in Street Pointing with the Point Professor himself, Tim Westwood, octagenarian BBC Radio 1 DJ and host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride UK. Take a look at the course preview! Look man, look! Basic Attitude PointThe Basic Attitude Point is the pointing technique from which all other points form. Beginners must perfect this first pointing method before progressing. Ideal when you need to keep it simple or take the wayback machine to the days of old school and beyond or if you’ve only got one hand free. Once this skill is mastered you’ll also find it has everyday uses too allowing you to call elevators and pick your nose more efficiently. Westwood says … Yo! Now your basic point needs that classic Westwood attitude. Say it! At-ti-tude! It looks simple to an outsider but this is still the bomb. Mmmmm. Cra-zeee. Look at those other fingers. You need wicked fly skills to keep it real like that. Do I make myself clear? Understand that! Exactly. Other cats might just concentrate on the index finger but not this dude. Recognise! The Double Dead WormsThe Double Dead Worms gets its name from the resemblance to two creatures of the phylum Annelida suffering from rigor mortis. Essentially a Basic Attitude Point duplicated and mirrored there are still some noticeable differences that, if not taught properly, will render your street cred zero. Zero. You want to be a hero, not a zero. Westwood says … Are you tired of getting stomped on? Exactly. Now you want the crazy dope Dee to the Dee Double-you. That’s Double Dead Worms baby. Or Dope Def Wicked! Yeah, you know it! Recognise. You will be having a lot of fun out there with this pimped-up bomb of a point. Two hands! Exactly. Yo. So gangsta, so old school. Respect! Two Fingers Of WhiskeyDeriving its name from the Wild West custom of ordering whiskey by the thickness of the barman’s fingers and originating, appropriately enough, from the west coast of America, the Two Fingers pointing technique at once brings the pointer back to his or her childhood playing with pretend guns. Your bitches and/or hos will also appreciate this and you’ll find out why on the course. Westwood says … Exactly! It’s a shutdown, it’s a takeover. You take your one-finger pointers and you tear them down. Recognise. Cold lampin’! Two fingers is more than enough...
Munching The Carpet
Okay, I’m just going to float this idea out there, treat you lot like a strange and scary thinktank, see if I get any feedback, see if there’s bits you like and bits you don’t, that sort of thing. Right, here we go: I’m thinking of writing a new series for TV. Cable TV probably, but you never know. So, we’re obviously saturated with "news" programmes and "cartoon" programmes and "home and garden jealousy-creating" programmes and "reality" programmes and "100 Best 100 Best Programmes" programmes but I think we’ve still only dipped a toe in lesbians so far. That sounds bad; I would never dip my toe in a lesbian! Oh, except Jodie Foster if she’s one! Lovely brain. Studied at the Lycée Français de Los Angeles. But yes, "lesbian" programmes are still little more than teens in the adult world of television (and I’m not just saying that so that the words "lesbian" and "teens" (it’s short for "teenagers"!) would appear in this paragraph). Sure, we’ve had "The ‘L’ Word" and there was Ross’ wife in "Friends" and "Ellen", of course, and "Tipping The Velvet" and "The Golden Girls" but I think TV audiences are still clamouring for more "ladies who love to love ladies and the ladies who love being loved by the ladies who love to love ladies" programmes. So, here it is: Munching The Carpet! It’s a drama series, obviously, because your average lesbian woman is female and dramas are right up their alleys if you’ll excuse the imagery. So there’s romance and tension from the word ‘Go’. But your average lesbian is traditionally violent and filled with rage so there’s also action and comedy because these things appeal to testosterone beetles according to science-types. It’s an actionlesbidramady. There’ll be a strong family element to it too because gay families annoy the American Taliban and the old TV adage of "Kontroversy equals Kerching!" holds true to this day. Think "The Sopranos" meets "Charlie’s Angels" and you’re almost there. The characters! We need a core of lesbians doing all the things that lesbians do – constant soapy showers, cheerleading as a hobby, riding horses, that sort of thing – but we need to make them slightly normal too; perhaps give them normal jobs and names to fill out the roles. Make them more human. Straight men will be a big target audience for this programme and we need to push across the idea that inside every lesbian is a bisexual woman willing to have sex with one straight guy and nine of her lesbian swimsuit model friends night-after-night. One of the key locations will be the...
How to be a DJ
I was blessed with the pure joy of attending a surprise 50th birthday party over the weekend. It was the usual affair: groups of people who didn’t know one another singularly not mingling – for that is the British way! – in a church hall decorated with balloons and amusing photographs from across the decades of the to-be-surprised victim interspersed among the various drawings of nightmares by children from the local school who use the church hall on a more regular basis. Posters on the walls depicted kids jumping next to the word ‘Jump’, hopping next to the word ‘Hop’, sitting next to the word ‘Sit’, and setting fire to the substitute teacher next to the word ‘Arson’. Education has come on a way since I was at school. There was a smell in the air that was at once both endearing – since it was so distinctly the very smell of school from childhood – and revolting – since my imagination concluded the chair I was sitting on may have been used my some six year-old who’d peed himself just the week before. Food was buffet-style and consisted mostly of crisps and nuts. There may have been quiche too but I was loathe to lift the foil on the plate next to the plastic cups and discover if this was so. Being a church hall and therefore an establishment lacking a bar this was also a "bring your own bottle" event; carrier bags that had ported inside them bottles of Jack Daniels or generic gin, or boxes of wine, or packs of cans of bitter were dotted under every table just out of the way of the small clearing space in the room centre allocated for the spectacle of "dancing". In essence it was an occasion done on the cheap, which is no terrible thing in this modern climate of terrorists on every corner and mass redundancies by text message and squirrels with murderous intent in their eyes in the corner of the bedroom. But, the organisers had splashed out for a DJ! Being raised a strict non-mingler Catholic and knowing approximately 1% of the people in attendance I was granted the time to sit back and observe what it is to be a DJ. All your Fatboy Slims and your Paul Oakenfolds and your Jazzy Jeffs had to start somewhere before they earned any respect and that place was DJing a mobile disco at a party, or a wedding, or a funeral, or a Christmas function, or a bar or bat mitzvah. With my dream of being ridiculously rich and not having to work for a living...
Pictures of Lady Sovereign
If there’s one thing that writing my Pictures Of Jentina article back in June of 2004 has taught me it’s that I’m not that bad at optimising my site and content in order to draw people in, people like to see pictures of celebrities (artistic licence for use of the word "celebrities";bear with me), and children these days are uncapable of spelling. Okay, that’s three things. And uncapable was deliberate. Anyway, hot on the heels of that Jentina post (or nearly a year later if you want to get all technical and accurate about it) comes the next in my thrilling series: Pictures Of Semi-Famous People ‘N’ 100% True Facts ‘N’ Stuff. It was a difficult choice selecting a new beneficiary for this series but in the end I chose Lady Sovereign. There were a number of reasons why I chose Lady Sovereign but the main one was an attempt to stop people still leaving comments on the Jentina article: it’s been eleven months people! Stop it already! I know most of you couldn’t spell if your life depended on it but I was harbouring a small hope that you knew what dates were, what they looked like, and in what approximate order they tended to appear. So, on with this entry where I’ve promised to show Lady Sovereign pictures and reveal information about the diminutive singer never before revealed or even made up! FACT: Lady Sovereign was raised by a family of magicians in London’s beautiful ghetto of Wembley. A fully paid-up member of the magic circle to this day, she uses many of the tricks she has been taught from an early age to distract and entertain people, the most notable being always standing behind a convex lens to appear larger than her true 2’7" frame. FACT: Lady Sovereign and Jentina are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, shellsuits versus tracksuits, Wiley-Kit versus Wiley-Kat, Knight Rider versus Are You Being Served? They meet every Saturday night and wrestle in mud with razor blade-studded mittens but nobody is allowed to watch. I have a secret video though but it makes me feel funny when I watch it and I couldn’t possibly share it with a stranger. FACT: Although she is not allowed to drive a car for security reasons (and because boxes strapped to the feet, while amusing in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, are frowned upon by Her Majesty’s traffic police), Lady Sovereign is permitted to take her fleet of dirigibles out whenever she wants. Last year she fell through a timehole above Harrods and helped to defend London...
Portsmouth 4 Southampton 1
On Sunday Harry "Judas" Redknapp brought his "team" of has-beens and never-was-beens back to the club he stabbed in the back after having a hissy fit. In case you missed the result … Portsmouth demolished Southampton 4-1. Is demolished the right word? Is humiliated better? Slaughtered? Stomped all over? Squatted over and crapped on? Musical interlude … Is this the way to relegation? I’ve been tasting the Coke sensation. Is this the way to relegation? Coca Cola’s right for me. Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) We’re gonna send the scummers down. Hangover News! Ouch. Had both sets of parents around for the match. Not sure of my personal total but between the six of us – from 11AM to around 3:30PMish (maybe) – we got through: 21 bottles of Carlsberg Export, one litre of Liebfraumilch, one 75cl bottle of Bacardi, a third of a bottle of Woodford Reserve, a quarter of a bottle of Remy Martin, two bottles of Babycham (mixer for the cognac before you ask), a quarter of a bottle of tequila. My hangover refuses to leave but he is a welcome reminder of events to savour and I embrace him like a friend. Now … is there anything good to read? Overpowered is a good word. Southampton crumble … so they did! Ripe for relegation has a nice ring to it. Woeful. Ooh. Disastrous sounds about right, mwahahahaha! Devastating. Yes, yes it was. Delightfully so. Hey … why not watch the goals from this match all over...
Recent From Retro
-
The Women Of Kilobaud Computing Sep 26, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent From Entertainment
-
Dance Music Triple Nov 19, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent Comments