Girls Aloud: Pictures and information
I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either. Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on. Who Are Girls Aloud? That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining. Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old...
Surviving Jude Law
It’s only a matter of time people – months if we’re lucky, days if the Gods of Fate and Cheekbones have any say in the matter – before Jude Law attacks us all. I’m ready. I rate my chances as better than one in three of living in a post-Jude Law apocalypse as a leader among the mutants, revered for my fine head of hair, adored because of my almost fully-functional genitalia, and tolerated despite my annoying cough that won’t shift. But what about you? Are you doomed to die in the initial onslaught? Could you do more to prepare? Jude Law Attack Tactics Combat may be inevitable and victory dangerously far out of reach but history tells us that battles have been won and lost in an instant and I’ve come to trust what history says especially since it helped me find my car keys that one time. Knowledge of what Jude is likely to do when attacking – and he will attack – might just give you a metaphysical crowbar with which to lever open the metaphorical doorway leading into the allegorical corridor just off the very real instant that swings the fight. It’s not much, and a real crowbar might be better, but it’ll have to do. Jude Law won’t spend much time taking in the situation as he prefers a blitzkrieg style attack so you have to be ready to defend the moment you see him. This assumes you’ll see him. Detailed analysis of his fights to date shows that he is as equally like to come at an opponent from behind as straight on and the margin of preference for tunnelling under and eating the feet of an enemy rather than dropping from a ledge with hooks in his hands is statistically negligible. If you are "fortunate" enough to witness a head-on approach by Mr Law then you can typically expect him to adopt the classic crab position; feet and palms on the floor, body raised to the heavens, head upside down. While this might slow you or I down Jude can move with lightning speed in this position and many experts suspect there is a psychological element to this choice of body shape, carrying with it a genetic memory of giant spiders attacking early neanderthals perhaps. This theory does seem borne out by witnesses to his preference when launching a rear assault on a victim when he is decidedly more likely to flail his arms in windmills and scream like a girl. The Jude Law Crab Attack gives him a number of advantages in a quick fight. He’s a smaller target, naturally, and...
Road House
How was your Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? That’s great. I got World Peace. No batteries though. Never mind. I also got Road House on DVD. Road House. Patrick Swayze film. On DVD. Yes, that’s right. Yes, you may feel jealous. Okay, stop feeling jealous. Instead, feel dread as I dissect this classic piece of movie history in lieu of writing anything more appealing. Road House is directed by Rowdy Herrington with aplomb – and, in parts, two plombs – and no, I’d never heard of him either. Apparently he also directed Gladiator. But not that Gladiator. The one with Cuba Gooding Jr and Brian Dennehy. No. Me neither. I’d guess Dennehy was a bad cop though. So what’s the story? Patrick Swayze plays Dalton. Dalton is not just a bouncer: he’s a famous bouncer! Possibly even more famous than the most famous bouncer you can think of. Go on. Really think of a famous bouncer. Well, Dalton is more famous than that. And he’s the second best in the business. The bouncing business. As our movie starts Dalton is doing what bouncers do at a little place called Band Stand, a club popular with the tone deaf and those afflicted with no natural rhythm that turns its nose up at DJs and other modern contraptions and only allows live country rock bands. Permed hair is big and cowboy hats are common so we know without being told that this film is: made in the 1980s, set in Incestville, U.S.A., going to make us cry at some point. Standing at the end of the bar with arms folded, scanning the crowd, being watched by a mysterious stranger wearing one of those string ties that cowboys wear and which look kinda cool in a "kinda cool on anyone but me" kinda way, bopping his head up and down very, very nearly in time with the song being massacred on stage, Dalton’s superior bouncing sixth sense suddenly starts to tingle. That smashed glass sound! The money slammed on the table! The knife! The kick! The woman on the floor! It can only mean Bouncer Warning Alert Amber! But Dalton’s the second best in the business and his bouncers soon have the matter in hand. And then they let the angry man go so he can stab Dalton in the arm. Perhaps if they’d been trained by the best in the business they might not have done that but who can really tell what goes on in the magical world of Bouncerdom. Our angry man tells Dalton he’s always wanted to "try" him and I think it’s a sentiment we...
American Football Explained
Warning! Long post! You probably won’t read this! Warning! In time for Thanksgiving and not in any way, shape, or form complete or remotely comprehensible! Both I and my other half are keen followers of American Football despite the fact that neither of us are American and only one of us was created in a laboratory from an old football, some nails, and a wind-up toy frog. Ribbet. I follow – and have done so since the late 1980s before you accuse me of jumping on some mad New England-supporting bandwagon – the New England Patriots. My other half is more of a newcomer to the sport and, after careful consideration a couple of years ago, decided that the Minnesota Vikings had the nicest colour kit. Purple. She likes purple. We have tried and tried and tried to get other people interested in the NFL but people being people and not yet being automatons with controllable lizard brains (note to shareholders of neOnbubble Sauromaton plc.: soon my friends, soon) the swine don’t seem interested citing various reasons ranging from "It’s all stop-start, stop-start" to "They’re all girls playing in all that padding; they wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a real man’s game of golf", and asking questions like "Don’t they stop the game every 8.2 seconds for commercials?" and "Is there an option in interactive viewing for cheerleader-gusset cam?" So, because nobody listens to me in real life and I have anecdotal proof that over two have in my virtual existence I now present a definitive guide to understanding, appreciating, and enjoying American Football. It’s Rugby For Girls, Isn’t It? No. Whenever someone attempts to compare rugby and American football I am forced to suppress the urge to rip out that person’s intestine and feed it up and down their nasal passages before twirling it into a delightful parody of a handlebar moustache. Yes, the ball shares some similarities in shape. Well done. However, last time I checked, nobody ever compared beach volleyball to marbles yet, surprise!, both use round balls. Baseball and mafia board meetings both utilise bats yet rarely are the two mixed up. Roller skaters wear kneepads. So did the guy who fitted the carpet at my parent’s house. Guess what? Not similar at all. NFL Fun FactFans of the Green Bay Packers are known as "cheesy helmets" but it’s not because they don’t wash down below, ha ha! It’s because they stick their penises in lumps of cheddar. When rugby players come together in a scrum (no double entendres please) they start more-or-less locked together and push. When I used to play rugby I was...
The new James Bond is …
Colin Farrell said ‘No’ and when Colin says ‘No’ he means ‘No’ and I should ‘No’ as I once went drinking with him at a little bar overlooking the slopes of Mount Everest. We had an enjoyable time ordering Vodka Martinis, flicking the olives at a bunch of sherpas in a sherpa training camp for action butlers underneath our balcony seats, spitting out the vile cocktail, and chugging back manly beer instead from dawn until the early evening sunset. At that time I suggested that Colin use his powers of teleportation to travel to the summit of Everest and bring back some ice so that we could fashion an ice sculpture of a swan or a flower or some other girly crud and impress the young ladies of the Melbourne Young Mountaineering Ladies Troupe who had just arrived and seemed in need of bothering. Colin said ‘No.’ I suggested again. Again he said ‘No.’ I pressured him several more times. And he said ‘No’ on each occasion. Finally he grew tired of me, transmuted into flock wallpaper and, while the patrons of the bar were distracted by the sudden appearance of a distraught action butler/future sherpa wanting to know if anyone knew how to remove olives from ears, slunk up the staircase to his room. The important thing here is that when Colin says ‘No’ he means ‘No.’ Colin said he would kill me if I ever recounted this tale or the one with the transvestite lemur but I know he didn’t mean that because he’s fully aware that I’m protected by my Shield of Anti-Colin which I picked up during our trek through Morocco on the Quest For Colin’s Purse. In your face Farrell. Do your worst. So, Colin’s not going to be the next James Bond and Pierce isn’t going to rekindle his role. I think that’s a euphemism for masturbation but I’m not sure. Since the producers of the Bond franchise won’t bring back the best Bond ever – Timothy Dalton and I’ll murderise any one of you who disagrees – the search is on for "someone else." Luckily for you I’ve called in a few of my favours and optioned a few blackmails I’d been saving to see just who’s in the running and why they will or won’t be likely to be chosen. Arthur Bostrom In case you don’t know who Arthur Bostrom is there’s a handy website for Arthur Bostrom at the Arthur Bostromly-titled arthurbostrom.com. Arthur Bostrom. Arthur is most well-known for his role in the critically-acclaimed BBC comedy series ‘Allo ‘Allo. Some of the acclaims from critics included "Oh God, no!" and...
Your next Britney
As the whole world is aware, Britney Spears is now Britney Federline. Many girls are green with envy: a dancer with two children by another woman. Oh, if only they could be that lucky and find a man with a gay career and baggage from a previous relationship just like him! More importantly, many men are suicidal with depression. Admittedly, these "many men" are mainly those who tick the box marked Do you have an unhealthy fixation with a famous person? in surveys but that accounts for 63% of my visitors and that makes me care. Britney’s gone. She’s not available. She is an ex-future-Mrs-Stalker. Let me help. Let me convince you that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don’t despair! If there’s one thing that the ex-deeply religious, ex-chaste, ex-attractive, and ex-talented (just kidding; she was never talented) Mrs Federline has shown the world it’s that celebrities are often not that picky about their partners. This means you still have a chance with any of the following available "babes": Paris Hilton Who?: Desperately shy and introverted heiress to the Hilton hotel group who overcame shyness and introvertiness (no, I’m not checking to see if it’s a word) which just leaves "desperate". How?: A digital camcorder, fast internet connection, and no qualms about having your flabby body viewed (and mocked) by three quarters of the world’s population appear to be the minimum requirements to appeal to Miss Hilton‘s needs. Better Than Britney?: Have you seen Britney naked and performing sex acts for digital posterity? Obviously, if you’re reading this in 2008 then your answer may be different but right now that’s a tick in Miss Hilton’s box. You can take that literally if it pleases you to do so but I couldn’t possibly comment on it. Britney Beats Her?: Britney still wins in the physical appearance stakes unless you’re a fan of the "built like a holocaust survivor" look. Geri Halliwell Who?: Former member of the Spice Girls and often referred to as "Lacking Any Redeeming Features Spice" until that became too confusing and "Ginger" was chosen instead. Rumours that it is short for "gingivitis" were started in this sentence. How?: Geri is apparently attracted to fame. And homosexuals. If you are a famous homosexual then you’re in luck, otherwise you’d simply better pretend to be one. Sir Ian McKellen springs to mind. There! Dress up as Gandalf. Better Than Britney?: Geri is easier to spell than Britney or "Brintey" as I keep typing, meaning anniversary and birthday cards are less likely to have crossings-out on them causing "Woman Rage™" or "Woman Sulk™" or "Woman Cutting Off...
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