Darts
Is there a more manly sport than darts? I don’t think there is. You see more manly flesh when a bout of fisticuffs commences in the ring but exposed manly flesh is not a measure of the overall manliness of a sport or David Beckham would have joined a men’s synchronised swimming team in his youth. And he didn’t. He joined a netball team. A girls netball team. For girls. Nakedness or partial nudity does not a manly sport make. Aggression is something that is often considered manly while hoovering and painting toenails, often together, are those traits we all associate with women of the feminine persuasion. Darts is not an aggressive sport, unlike cock fighting. Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than touching another man’s bell end with my own. Rage. Building. Still, if pure anger made a sport manly then there’d be a whole new channel just for men called Sky Sports Leaving The Toilet Seat Up featuring housewives and girlfriends storming into rooms berating their partners and then throwing their remote controls at the window. Disclaimer: that’s never happened to me. Is sheer size something we can measure sporting manliness against? No. The men may be larger in sumo but darts players don’t wear nappies and hug one another. They are, however, armed with slivers of metal! That’s like ninja-sumo and I think we can all agree that nothing could possibly beat ninja-sumo on the manly scale of sports. So, with the position of Most Manly Sport attained, just who are some of the stars of the manly sport of darts these days? What do you mean by "I don’t care"? Phil Taylor "The Power" Stoke Stoke has given the world many wonderful things: pottery, for instance, and, of course, potters. And pottery shops. There are probably courses in learning to pot available in Stoke and don’t forget to take a guided tour of the amazing Stoke Pottery Experience. But Stoke also has people, some of whom have become famous for some ghastly reason or another; people like Anthea Turner and Neil Morrissey and, of course, Phil "The Power" Taylor. Phil’s record in darts is quite phenomenal. Nobody – and I mean nobody – in the world of darts has annoyed the living shit out of me more than Phil and that’s some record indeed! I’ve sent him some of those trophies you can buy in trophy shops engraved with "World’s Most Ungracious Winner" and "You’re No. 1 In My Book. My Book Of Arrogant Dart Players That Is!" (that last one cost a fortune to have done) but I suspect he hasn’t room for them...
The England Football Team
If you’ve a passing interest in the sport the world outside America calls football but you’ve never had the time to really delve into the whos, whys, whats, whens, and how the hells then this introductory piece introducing you in an introductatious manner to some of the people in the beautiful game may be beneficial. Since I’m mostly English and we’re right in the middle of a period of qualifying games for the next Euro championships with a crunch game against Andorra coming up tonight (no, I don’t know how it’s possible to reach the situation where a game against Andorra could ever be considered a crunch game either but it’s a crazy world we live in) I thought I’d take a look at the England football team: the key players, the important staff members, the media. Key Players Owen Hargreaves The only player in the squad who doesn’t play in the English Premiership also happens to be the best player to have put on an England shirt in living memory. Of redwood trees. Yes, he’s that good. He may make the odd mistake – getting caught in possession, passing to the invisible pixie on the sideline, assuming his team-mates are any good, etc. – but he makes up for that with intelligence, passion, fitness, work-rate, and lightly-curled hair. For a long time there was a sports media campaign to eject him from the team on the grounds of "very nearly being a foreigner, what with playing in Germany, who does he think he is, eh?" but former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson thankfully ignored the clueless twats who laughingly call themselves journalists long enough for them to give up and move onto trying to remove the manager instead. Which sadly they did eventually succeed at. In Summary: Owen Hargreaves = Very Good. Wayne Rooney Like Owen Hargreaves, Wayne also often displays good fitness and work-rate. However, he also has a tendency to get upset easily and this adversely affects his game. Things that make Wayne upset are: being played in a different position from the one he’s good at and plays week-in and week-out are you listening Steve McClaren this isn’t rocket science sheesh, not offering your gran for sexual favours when conducting an interview with him, the tedious references to his resemblance to Shrek; it’s getting old now people, the tedious references to his visits to elderly prostitutes (sorry about the earlier reference to not offering your gran when conducting an interview). Wayne was educated at the De La Salle college in Liverpool. I was educated at another De La Salle college in Portsmouth. This makes Wayne...
NFL Post-Season Preview
We’re about to enter the post-season period of the current American Football season right about now which means there’s no better time to examine the teams who’ve made it through to the knockout phases. NFC – Seattle Seahawks It’s always a tough season when you have to play San Francisco and Arizona twice so hearty congratulations to the Seahawks of Seattle for earning top spot this year. Head coach Mike Holmgren’s decision-making on the field has been more-or-less eclipsed by his sellout Broadway revue as one half of The Amazing Walrus Twins with fellow coach Andy Reid but with several suspicious fires destroying their venue over Christmas he’ll be free to concentrate on the important games to come. Key To Winning: Holmgren has reportedly wrestled a magic challenge flag from the grasp of a leprechaun this week granting him the power to overturn one field decision. Use it wisely Mike. NFC – Dallas Cowboys It’s been a season of soap opera-proportions for the Cowboys with all the newsworthy team changes – Romo for Bledsoe, Gramatica for Vanderjagt – and the awful cheerleader combustion incident in week three but veteran coach Bill Parcells has maintained a cool head throughout thanks to the ultra-high reflective hair he sports these days. In a tough division, that may have proved the key factor in their success. Key To Winning: There is no specific rule limiting the size of gloves so Terrell Owens will need to sport giant foam hands in a bid to improve his catching rate. Watch out other teams! NFC – Chicago Bears The Bears were the first team to qualify for post-season thanks largely to playing in the same division as Detroit and Green Bay and in no way at all thanks to superior offense at the hands of Rex Grossman. If their pattern of luck continues through to the NFC playoff final Chicago will tie a 60-year NFL record for non-mountain-based teams undeservedly winning games with a quarterback whose first name is a latin word, without the use of a machete, not dressed in a mauve uniform, who don’t play on concrete, having less than a thousand team mascots, on home field, in a planetary system with a yellow dwarf sun. Key To Winning: Lovie Smith will need to counteract the anti-Bears gypsy curse that my girlfriend found in her Christmas cracker this year. Good luck with your five-legged cat hunt Lovie! NFC – New Orleans Saints Nobody was more surprised than me to see New Orleans have such a successful season because I was brainwashed into believing the city had been scooped off the surface of the Earth...
Stars Of The NFL
Almost a whole year ago I penned – using my keyboard – an article entitled American Football Explained wherein I explained the sport known as American Football (do you see how titles work?). As a result of that article I received many plaudits – none of which can be exchanged for goods or services in the shops so thankyou very much for nothing – but, more importantly, I filled from my ankles to just below my ears with the warm glow of knowing that I had helped some people, somewhere, somehow to understand and appreciate the sport I love so much. So now you know the rules of American Football and you’ve probably even picked a team to follow. Maybe it’s the Arizona Cardinals because you’re a bit funny like that. Well, what’s next? Yes, you need to pick up some useless facts about the people, places, and things of the sport with which you can bore friends in the pub. Let’s have a quick look at some of the Stars of the NFL. Bill Cowher Bill Cowher is the only head coach in the NFL to have been created by the Jim Henson company using leftover parts from the Electric Mayhem Band, most often seen on The Muppet Show. But don’t think for a second that he’s a puppet or some amazing animatronic gizmo: Bill Cowher is 100% alive and 125% chin. His creation was funded – in part – by sales of Pittsburgh’s Terrible Towels, a fact that burns him to the core and drives him to uncontrollable rage whenever he sees one. But Steeler’s fans are heartless beasts and wave them mercilessly anyway. Drawing much of his superhuman strength – like Samson – from his moustache, Cowher nevertheless relies on his most famous undermouth feature to control his tough football team. Capable of striking outwards like the inner mouth of the Alien Queen in Aliens, the Cowher Chin demands discipline and gets it. Steelers Quarterback "Big" Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger was very almost re-nicknamed "Chin-Impaled Vegetable Burger" for missing an open receiver early this season in the losing game against the Patriots. Luckily, some towel-waving distracted Cowher and the young QB survived. Brett Favre Brett has been the starting Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers since the formation of the NFL back in 1920. Possibly even longer. Some fans believe he – imbued with the powers of ancient Greek Titans – may even have created the NFL, forging it from stone broken from the banks of Green Bay itself. We call them "crazy fans". Everyone knows the NFL is made from plastic. More interesting than Favre...
Portsmouth 4 Southampton 1
On Sunday Harry "Judas" Redknapp brought his "team" of has-beens and never-was-beens back to the club he stabbed in the back after having a hissy fit. In case you missed the result … Portsmouth demolished Southampton 4-1. Is demolished the right word? Is humiliated better? Slaughtered? Stomped all over? Squatted over and crapped on? Musical interlude … Is this the way to relegation? I’ve been tasting the Coke sensation. Is this the way to relegation? Coca Cola’s right for me. Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (clap, clap) We’re gonna send the scummers down. Hangover News! Ouch. Had both sets of parents around for the match. Not sure of my personal total but between the six of us – from 11AM to around 3:30PMish (maybe) – we got through: 21 bottles of Carlsberg Export, one litre of Liebfraumilch, one 75cl bottle of Bacardi, a third of a bottle of Woodford Reserve, a quarter of a bottle of Remy Martin, two bottles of Babycham (mixer for the cognac before you ask), a quarter of a bottle of tequila. My hangover refuses to leave but he is a welcome reminder of events to savour and I embrace him like a friend. Now … is there anything good to read? Overpowered is a good word. Southampton crumble … so they did! Ripe for relegation has a nice ring to it. Woeful. Ooh. Disastrous sounds about right, mwahahahaha! Devastating. Yes, yes it was. Delightfully so. Hey … why not watch the goals from this match all over...
American Football Explained
Warning! Long post! You probably won’t read this! Warning! In time for Thanksgiving and not in any way, shape, or form complete or remotely comprehensible! Both I and my other half are keen followers of American Football despite the fact that neither of us are American and only one of us was created in a laboratory from an old football, some nails, and a wind-up toy frog. Ribbet. I follow – and have done so since the late 1980s before you accuse me of jumping on some mad New England-supporting bandwagon – the New England Patriots. My other half is more of a newcomer to the sport and, after careful consideration a couple of years ago, decided that the Minnesota Vikings had the nicest colour kit. Purple. She likes purple. We have tried and tried and tried to get other people interested in the NFL but people being people and not yet being automatons with controllable lizard brains (note to shareholders of neOnbubble Sauromaton plc.: soon my friends, soon) the swine don’t seem interested citing various reasons ranging from "It’s all stop-start, stop-start" to "They’re all girls playing in all that padding; they wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a real man’s game of golf", and asking questions like "Don’t they stop the game every 8.2 seconds for commercials?" and "Is there an option in interactive viewing for cheerleader-gusset cam?" So, because nobody listens to me in real life and I have anecdotal proof that over two have in my virtual existence I now present a definitive guide to understanding, appreciating, and enjoying American Football. It’s Rugby For Girls, Isn’t It? No. Whenever someone attempts to compare rugby and American football I am forced to suppress the urge to rip out that person’s intestine and feed it up and down their nasal passages before twirling it into a delightful parody of a handlebar moustache. Yes, the ball shares some similarities in shape. Well done. However, last time I checked, nobody ever compared beach volleyball to marbles yet, surprise!, both use round balls. Baseball and mafia board meetings both utilise bats yet rarely are the two mixed up. Roller skaters wear kneepads. So did the guy who fitted the carpet at my parent’s house. Guess what? Not similar at all. NFL Fun FactFans of the Green Bay Packers are known as "cheesy helmets" but it’s not because they don’t wash down below, ha ha! It’s because they stick their penises in lumps of cheddar. When rugby players come together in a scrum (no double entendres please) they start more-or-less locked together and push. When I used to play rugby I was...
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