A Woman’s Naughty Bits
I remember growing up as a young boy and discovering – as I’m sure most young boys do – my dad’s collection of pornography. I wish most young boys hadn’t rummaged through my dad’s wardrobe but rights to privacy were different back then. Oh, but it was the best quality filth from Europe. Mixed in with some rather tame English equivalents of course. Nevertheless, it was exciting and stirring. Women not wearing scratchy turtle-neck jumpers! Phwoar! Women without plaid, polyester, pleated skirts! Phwoar Two! Look! Breasts! Wow! And … what in the name of holy hell is that? I was young – in years, single digits – and the transition from Mayfair with its soft-focus English Rose in the countryside with a parasol and a sheer chemise to the stylings of Color Climax with its scanning tunneling microscope gynaecological close-ups of every orifice in before, during, and after the happy finish poses was shocking. Terrifying even. And very confusing. As we all know there’s nothing I like better than imparting my brain wisdom to the unwise and as we all know it is only the very unwise who ever pop along to read this site. So, without further ado as I’ve temporarily run out of ado, let me present the neOnbubble Guide To Everything You Need To Know About A Woman’s Naughty Bits. Where Are A Woman’s Naughty Bits? Your typical common or garden woman has several naughty bits located in various places; The Panty Region, The Zone Of Nipples, The Sphere Of Ankles, and The Bingo Wings. This article will only be concentrating on the first – and most disturbing – of those naughty bits, The Panty Region. As the name implies this area is situated in the same spot usually covered by panties in the female of the species. As women grow older their panties tend to expand until they cover three quarters of the surface area of the lady in question but the naughty region itself remains more-or-less at the same size it was when she was around twenty. HANDY HINTKeep a pair of panties from a twenty year-old girl on you at all times for accurate measurement of a woman’s naughty bits’ region of influence. What Do Women’s Naughty Bits Look Like? If you’ve seen the part in Aliens where Burke leans in towards the specimen jar and the facehugger lurches forward then you’ll already have a good idea. For the less sci-fi-aware or unimaginative the diagram below may help: The labia – nature’s curtains of mystique – have evolved to entice men to find out what’s behind them as a direct evolutionary response to...
Bestiality For Beginners
I was recently alerted to the fact that a reference to this site had been made in the Channel 4 series Dark Side Of Porn. To viewers of that particular – by all accounts badly-made, politically biased, much complained-about – programme, there was a reference made to the amount of hardcore pornographic imagery easily available on the internet and numerous claims of the evil of such hardcore pornography and the damage it does to the people who hate it so much they spend all day trying to find it and complain about it. Examples of the type of sexual lifestyles which certain alleged "journalists" on the programme thought should be held to be on a par with child pornography included bestiality and necrophilia and it’s here that there was a brief glimpse of a search engine result showing this site’s strong views on necrophilia for all: Necrophilia For Beginners. But oh! the shame of not having a bestiality article to be falsely used as supporting evidence for something! Time to remedy that. So, you’re thinking about branching out into the exciting world of bestiality … Bestiality: Inny Or Outy? In traditional sexual relationships that take place between two people, regardless of gender, one person is the "male" and one is the "female"; one is the keymaster and the other the gatekeeper; one is the train driver and the other is in charge of keeping the tunnel free from debris and only allowing one or maybe two trains at a time inside. When you’re making your mind up about become a fully-fledged bestialonaut you might want to decide early on whether you’re a straddler or a side-saddle rider. HANDY HINT! One of the two groups is significantly more likely to end up in hospital having their x-ray passed around for a laugh. Bestiality: Sex Or Love? Bestialitioners are frequently portrayed as heartless, cruel, perverse, cold, and evil and yet are rarely invited to stand for Parliament. Yet, as with all walks of society, there are splits between those who enjoy whatever sex they enjoy because they enjoy sex and those who truly love whoever, whatever, or whichever they’re having sex with. If you feel you could love and have real feelings for, or if you already harbour those emotional wellings for an animal partner you should take care to ensure that your love can be reciprocated. Unrequited love from the animal kingdom can be the hardest thing to suffer through after being shunned by plants and aggressively fended-off by mineral formations. Bestiality: Can Your Animal Love You? An inexhaustive list for obvious reasons. Those being that I’ve not got space...
An Interview With The Sugababes
Today we’re lucky to have all-girl group action at neOnbubble in the form of all-girl group The Sugababes. They’ve undergone a few changes in line-up over the past few years but have kept a strong fanbase in the United Kingdom, Kazakhstan, and elsewhere. Girls, ladies, babes; first question: What do you think happened in the first few instants after the Big Bang? KEISHA: I’m pretty sure Mutya and Siobhan were in the band at that time, probably mostly in some exotic quark form. Amelle and Heidi would not form for some time until the initial expansion had slowed and larger building blocks of subatomic matter started to coalesce. HEIDI: I’ve never been a fan of the Big Bang theory; after all, what is a theory? It’s something you just can’t prove isn’t it? I also don’t like the accepted standpoint that the universe is even expanding like some balloon. My belief is that we’re in a giant Dyson Sphere created by Egyptians that protects us from the void beyond the universe – the limits of which are only just beyond Pluto – and stops us going mad by projecting a starry, galactic nightscape on its inner shell. The red shift is explained by the failing projection system and it also explains why we’ve never been contacted by aliens: the universe is too small! AMELLE: Hello. I believe in aliens. Are you concerned about climate change and the fact that carbon emissions keep rising in Britain year-on-year? KEISHA: We’ve always been concerned about ecological issues ever since Siobhan’s personal carbon emissions began to affect recording sessions. That’s a joke. It was more a methane-sodium soup cloud. HEIDI: You state that emissions are rising as a fact but, really, what is a fact? It’s faith in something because of evidence, isn’t it? Well, evidence can be planted or simply misinterpreted. How do we know that carbon emissions aren’t actually falling but having a knock-on effect on trees which are producing more less oxygen to compensate, affecting the balance of nitrogen in the atmosphere and destabilising the gyros in the carbon detectors? Think about it. AMELLE: The aliens could secrete CFCs through their retinal membranes. We should concentrate on uploading viruses to their motherships. Norway and Japan just love to hunt whales. What’s wrong with them? KEISHA: Siobhan left the group during our Japanese tour and I always wondered whether her decision to leave was more because of the barbarity of our hosts’ country’s slaughter-loving lifestyle and less my constant taunts about her ginger hair. I hope it was the former; I can finally get some closure and stop seeing my therapist....
UK Local Elections
It’s almost time for UK local elections and if you’re anything like me then that means you can barely control yourself with feelings of utter excitement and are kept dry all day long by the power of PolitiThrill™ (With Extra Padding). Oh, local elections! What a day May 4th will be this year! Fully 0.1% of us will make our way to the local school co-opted for the occasion, there to decide what bunch of elderly people we’ve never heard of incapable of gainful employment in other professions will be running/ruining (delete as applicable) the local council for the next few years. There’s a buzz in the air, an adrenalin rush just before the big gamble. If you’re one of the other nine people in the city about to vote this year then you should be trying to work out who to vote for based on local issues. I know I should. Local issues such as: if there are three main routes into the city (and there are) and the three main routes need repairing (which they do) and you only have enough workmen to repair one of them (which is probably an overestimate) and there is hardly any traffic on the road during the period we call "night" (it’s true) then don’t (for the love of Christ) cone off all three roads at the same time and leave them coned off for six months while your miniscule workforce moves from one to the other (traffic allowing) to attend to a little light repairwork for eighteen minutes a day during rush hour or I might have to murderise the lot of you, why oh why is it so difficult to park near my house? Don’t answer that! I’ll tell you. Every other person in the street has a car and works for a company that supplies a white van which they then park not at the company on private grounds but near to their house too or, more often, outside my house meaning I have to park nineteen roads away and those shopping bags from Asda are not strong enough! That’s why. Oh why, why oh why oh why are children and teenagers allowed to roam the streets in groups of more than one after I get in from work? That’s not why I pay excessive amounts of council tax to the police. Of course, the main political parties know that nobody cares about local issues when it comes time for electing the decrepit into power and it’s national issues that determine everything. The Conservatives may actually have a leader with a personality and a decidedly green streak to...
Hottest Sci-Fi Babes. Ever!!!!
There comes a time in every man’s life when he sits down and compiles a list of the 10 hottest babes of science fiction. It’s not something we can help and, since it’s a pleasurable experience, it’s not something we care to consider controlling either. For me that time has come now. I’m not the first man to do this and I won’t be the last and I won’t pretend that every other man will agree with this list 100% either. But most will. Because it is that good. 10 Character: LaliariActress: Missi PyleTV Show/Film: Galaxy Quest Oh, that’s not right. But it is. Tentacles. Hot. 9 Character: Princess ArdalaActress: Pamela HensleyTV Show/Film: Buck Rogers In The 25th Century It was very difficult being a woman in the early 80s series of Buck Rogers. How any of them kept from rolling around in hysterics while the corset-wearing, white spandex-apparelled hero tried to hold everything in while sometimes conveying both of his emotions (smiling and not quite smiling) in a single scene beggars belief. Still, the show did feature a string of ladies for Buck to rescue or with whom he could enjoy romantic interludes. Everyone remembers Wilma, of course, but everyone with a functional libido remembers Princess Ardala more. She wasn’t as wet as Wilma, her spaceship was bigger, she was a Princess for freak’s sake. And can anyone say "scantily-clad lust kitten"? Well, I’m thinking it anyway. 8 Character: GuinanActress: Whoopi GoldbergTV Show/Film: Star Trek Hairy girls are not hot despite what the Germans think so it’s a step in the right direction that Whoopi has no eyebrows. More importantly, though, is that Guinan runs a bar. Can you feel your temperature rising? Yes, that’s the alcohol at work. 7 Character: Martian GirlActress: Lisa MarieTV Show/Film: Mars Attacks! What can I say? I like girls with big … hair. Ack ack ack ack ack. 6 Character: LyekkaActress: Louise WischermannTV Show/Film: Lexx Lexx just oozed sexuality so it would be almost impossible to omit it from any list of science fiction babes or hunks. For the ladies there was Stanley Tweedle and for the manlier sex we had a procession of lovelies to salivate over. I could have picked Zev and her blue pubic hair. I could have picked Xev and her lips to die for. But when it comes to selecting the hottest of the hots it simply must be the luscious Lyekka. She’s a man-eating vegetable in nearly anatomically-correct female form. She can’t get pregnant, can handle herself in a fight, and will be happy with an occasional watering and a fresh growbag every now and then....
Your Colostomy Bag And You
Have you been thinking about having a colostomy bag fitted but you’re not sure if you should? What will the neighbours say? What will your priest say? Will you need to wear a special sign around your head so people don’t slap you on the stomach playfully and ruin your new shirt? Is this just another quick fad or are fashion colostomies here to stay? All these questions ignored below! The Dangers Of Colostomy Bags Suffocation. Your bag will be non-porous and, therefore, carries with it a risk of suffocation. Keep it away from pets and small children and do not wear it over your head. Doubly true when full. You can reduce the danger of asphyxiation by requesting a porous model. But I wouldn’t. Oh no. Human Evolution. Like most creatures in the animal kingdom humans are essentially doughnut-shaped. On the surface this does not appear to be the case – with the exception of the Korean Fighting Doughnut Fish – but it is a scientific fact just like "butterflies can’t fly straight for shit". The "hole" starts at the mouth and ends at the anus. Sometimes it ends just beyond the anus but you can get cream for that. Once your colostomy bag is put in place one end of the "hole" will no longer serve any purpose. If that end isn’t your anus then your surgeon operated on you upside down. When a body part is no longer necessary or used it shrivels up and dies to reduce energy costs (see: ‘politicians and brains’, or ‘Whoopi Goldberg and eyebrows’). Your anal passage will inevitably seal over unless you exercise it in other ways (don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how) transforming you into a cup-form as opposed to a doughnut-shape. Always carry an umbrella with you when it rains otherwise you might fill up and drown. Elevators. Three hundred people die of embarrassment each year immediately after having their colostomy bags trapped in a closing elevator door. Don’t be one of those people! The Stigma Of Colostomy Bags There was a time in the not-so-distant past when wearing a colostomy bag was something to be ashamed of. As recently as the 1970s in Britain it was even an offence to wear one in public and carried with it custodial and truncheonable sentences on a par with homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals and loitering with intent to commit homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals. In these more enlightened times both the criminality of "baggers" (as wearers are known) and the attached social stigma are gone. Indeed, with...
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