Lesser Tales Of Norse Mythology
Beofoxe In the land of the Danes in the kingdom ruled over by Hrughkhar, son of Phlegm, the forest grew deep and dark around the great hall that held the old king’s throne. And the mood in the hall was as deep and dark as the forest outside for the king and his people lived in fear of Grendelsdottir, evil and mighty offspring of the now-vanquished Grendel who bellowed unearthly noises through the night and struck dumb with terror all from the mightiest man to the mightiest womanchild. For ten years the timid folk sought a hero to save them but their cries went unheard for they were suffering a cashflow crisis and could not afford to pay a reward. But a warrior from the north came into the hall one evening and proclaimed that his name was Beofoxe, a champion to his own people, defeater of the Four-legged, Chihuahua-headed Serpent of Kold Fjord, slayer of Baldur The God Of Tears’ Stable Boy Les, taunter of Grizgraz The Grumpy Goat, and that he would rid the land of Grendelsdottir in return for a wooden carving of the king’s likeness by the greatest woodsman in the land. And the king who was vain and drunk ordered it so. And Beofoxe, wounder of Champion The Wonder Moose, left the great hall and strode bravely through the dark and deep paths that wound through the dark and deep forest until he came upon the clearing of Grendelsdottir. In the centre of the clearing lit dimly by the blood moon there was a small bog and there rested by this bog a hollow tree trunk. The brave warrior drew his sword, which he called Stabby, and advanced toward the tree trunk. "Come out Grendelsdottir!" cried Beofoxe, chess partner of Ethelred the Unsteady. "Stabby longs for your demon blood and Odin will sing of the mighty hero Beofoxe while Loki taps his toes and hums along before this night is out!" And the terrifying creature leapt from his resting place and landed on all fours at the edge of the bog. Fully three inches in height and with skin green and damp, the mighty Grendelsdottir let out a croak that echoed through the tree trunk and became an unearthly bellow. And Beofoxe, pusher-over of The Cow That Slept Standing Up In That Field That Time, dropped Stabby and ran for he was deathly afeared of amphibians. The following Summer an owl carried Grendelsdottir off to feed its young and the curse on the land was lifted and there was much prosperity. However, Hrughkhar had been unable to pay the woodsman for his carved likeness...
Future History
Thanks to a happy little mistake that took place in my bedroom when I was trying to build a better, faster, more deadly type of squirrel using socks orphaned from the washing machine, a plastic coat hanger, and Princess Diana’s compacted corpse I accidentally conjured up a temperamental, temporal portal on the top shelf of my wardrobe. Ever since that day last year I’ve been blessed with relics from times past, present, and future suddenly appearing as if from nowhere. Often with sound effects. Most recently a copy of the Encyclopedia Europica (2110 Edition) fell onto my head while reaching for a t-shirt. I discovered, while scrolling through its smell-enhanced holographic screens that the technology used in the production of the Encyclopedia Europica was invented by me in five years time and that I went on to live a long and happy life in my diamond citadel on the spot where London used to be. Which was all very nice but of no interest to you so I won’t go into details. Instead, why not take a look at how future historians and owners of the Encyclopedia Europica because of its extensive, interactive section on "Catholic Sex Practices (Bishops)" will see/see/saw political figures of the late 20th and early 21st centuries? I don’t care if that’s of no interest to you either. Hussein, Saddam President of Burning Oilfield 7 (formerly Iraq). Moustachioed and enigmatic leader Saddam was captured at the second attempt following a decade of goods embargoes by former ally America. Put on show trial but failed to deliver catchy soundbites and distract from catastrophic ongoing civil war until Judge Judy Sheindlin took over. She found for the defendant as Saddam was technically a minor under Iraqi law when he allegedly committed the acts he was charged with, awarded him his country back, and fined America one billion trillion dollars. America reneged on the legally-vague decision and sent Dick Cheney to Baghdad to take out both the judge and former leader of the country with his shotgun. Clinton, President Bill. 42nd President of America. Failed to keep pants up. The American media regarded Clinton as an abomination who sullied the image of America. Bush, President George W. 43rd President of America. Failed to report for duty. Failed to string a coherent sentence together. Failed to protect country. Failed to remain upright on early gyroscopically-stabilised machine. Failed to consume pretzel. Failed to find any weapons of mass destruction. Failed to ride bike. Failed to prevent thousands of soldiers being killed or maimed. Failed to find Osama bin Laden. Failed to open door in China. Failed to cover-up lies about...
Animalarm
Do you have one of the exciting new range of Animalarm™ alarm clocks from neOnbubble Biotoxin Delivery & Clocks Division? I just couldn’t live without my Silver Tabby Cat model. It’s currently set to "Surprise Me!" which means my mornings start with something excitingly random from this list of joyous get-out-of-bed alert settings: The Yawn Of Unearthly Delights The SAS can creep up on an enemy without him knowing it and they learn this skill under the tutelage of the country’s senior cat instructor. That’s an instructor who’s a cat and not someone who instructs cats, obviously. You can’t instruct cats. Well, you can. You just don’t get stunning results unless you’re the sort of person stunned by the absence of results though. Yes, the feline animal is adept at the art of moving without being heard. Every day many small animals of the order Rodentia or the class Aves are victims of a stealthy cat attack and this inate ability to approach and fatally surprise another living being forms the basis of The Yawn Of Unearthly Delights setting. Except for the fatal bit. Mostly. Don’t wake up to a sound! That’s so last year. Beef in jelly from last evening’s supper, a toad that wandered too far from the damp part under the decking during the night, and years of thorough tongueing of the rectal regions to free them of defecatory cling-ons come together in a cacophony of natural aromas that just scream "Get out of bed and feed me now or I’ll yawn again!" The Nostril-Seeking Tail A repugnant smell is great but it’s no good if you’ve got a cold. If you simply must be woken in some nasal fashion then you’ll be "tickled" pink by The Nostril-Seeking Tail. With your Animalarm™ conveniently situated exactly one tail’s length from your nose the Sun will rise and so will you as occasional, irritating flicks just brush the rim of your nostrils. Duration of flicks and frequency between them are totally random preventing you from bracing yourself for the next wake-up aggravation. Bonus! A "snooze" option exists on this setting: simply grab the tail with one hand to hold it in place and enjoy some itch-free time. At the end of the snooze period your Animalarm™ will sink its fangs into your wrist allowing you to gracefully wake up and run to the bathroom for antiseptic. Stampede! Your Silver Tabby Cat model Animalarm™ is a master impressionist too, and I’m not talking about paintings here. Have you ever woken suddenly from a dream where you were stuck on the African savannah while a herd of wildebeest stretching from...
The Bible: Uncut
Christianity is the religion for you if choice is high on your agenda! Don’t like the New International version of the Bible? Try the American Standard version! Trusty old King James Bible doesn’t fit in with your sheep-rustling lifestyle? Maybe Young’s Literal Translation is more up your alley! There are tens of different versions of the Old Testament stories and New Testament accounts of the life of Jesus and you’re simply bound to find one that suits you sooner or later. Personally, I like Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible with its faithfully-restored passages deliberately left untranscribed in other versions by the prudish monks of ye olde medievale tymes. What other Bible uplifts you quite like this? "Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry, not to mention stung to buggery by scorpions. He had a lovely tan though." Luke 4:1-2 "The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, ‘What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?’ ‘Worst. Sailors. Ever’ he replied and the men, who were fearful and drunk on clam juice, threw Jonah overboard into a passing fish." Jonah 1:11-14 "’I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir. I mean it. You’re all for it unless the person who stole my wallet owns up’ says the Lord." Amos 1:4-5 "The hand of the Lord was upon me there, and he said to me, ‘Get up and go out to the plain, and there I will speak to you.’ So I got up and went out to the plain and waited and wondered why the Lord couldn’t have spoken to me inside where it was warm but the Lord did not speak unto me. And so I went back in and someone had eaten my dinner." Ezekiel 3:22-23 "After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptised. Now John also was baptising at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptised and so Jesus and John had an old-fashioned Baptise-Off which Jesus won narrowly after John...
Taunting The Yeti
I’ve got an uncle that is a little odd and does odd things. Not to me. Put down that phone to social services. He lived on a boat for a while and entertained himself by beading his hair and watching it sway as the waves rocked his leaking shell of a home. To keep warm he smeared nut oil on his body as insulation. He smelled of nut oil. A lot. He picked up a broken microwave for the boat too. There was no electricity on the boat so that was okay but he was convinced that putting tin foil on his head and placing it inside the oven would allow him to pick up television signals thanks to the way the cooking electronics were arranged. He went on a holiday to the Canary Islands and had everything stolen except for an inflatable bed and a tub of butter. He fell asleep on the bed, floated off to sea, used the butter as suntan lotion, and suffered third degree burns. He then stumbled upon a collapsed hotel inhabited by a gang of homosexuals (their preferred haunt) who chased him up a hillside until he lost them by hiding in a cave. One time he said to me "the Winter Olympics causes mental anguish". He may be odd and do odd things but he was right about that. Now there’s mental anguish … Figure skating causes brain pain, for example, because it is so mind-numbingly awful. Tinny speakers outputting 2 watts of raw Latvian folk music out of time to a couple spinning and sliding around an ice rink in matching polyester and rhinestone outfits is neither technical nor artistic and may even violate the Geneva Convention on torture. Cross-country skiing needs more bear attacks and someone needs to tell the snowboarders that there’s a supercool rad half-pipe just over that precipice dudes. Trying to guess the circumference of speed skaters’ thighs hurts right behind the eyes and causes trembling in the extremities. I tried to watch the Super-G and got a headache too. Why? From trying to work out why it was postponed just because it was snowing. How can you postpone an event that takes place in snowy regions of the world on snow in snow equipment because there’s snow? That’s like cancelling a deep-sea dive because there’s a chance of rain. And then there’s mental anguish … When I see those white mountain scenes, those white vistas, and those treelines (white), I’m reminded of the time I set out to taunt the Yeti. It was an act of bravery I’d told myself beforehand and wasn’t borne of...
I Love Ann Coulter
It’s St Valentine’s Day and some endorphin-laden, LSD-based, synthetic compound manufactured in labs across the world by card manufacturers that masquerades under the nom de guerre of "Love" is in the air. People, normally sensible and strait-laced, find themselves prone to acts of awful gushiness and the colour pink assaults every sense. Especially smell for some reason, or that might just be me. Even I – usually a bastion jutting into the sea of emotion armed with cannons firing cold-hearted ice balls in wide arcs, uncaring of where they might land or the damage they might inflict – am not immune to the insidious infection of this pervasive day and I find myself conjuring up images of meadows and running through them in slow motion, skipping merrily and not thinking about the spiders that are probably being ripped from their webs between the grass and are now clinging to my leg waiting for a pause in my galavanting so as to crawl into my groinal area and bite me in my special place. And who am I running towards? What beauty has captivated my imagination and the imaginary heart that my imagination has imagined in the imagery I’m imagining? Is she curvacious? Does she exude warmth? Is she witty and intelligent, with modern views and at least one human attribute? Hey! Well, what do you know? St Valentine’s got a sense of humour/streak of the nasty (delete as applicable). It’s Ann Coulter. FACT: Ann Coulter was the inspiration for Mark Twain’s novel A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court. Upon meeting her in 1888, Twain beat himself around the head with a crowbar in an attempt to escape through time. FACT: Ann Coulter saves lives! Modern campers take Ann Coulter with them for emergencies. Her legs, when rubbed together, can start fires. Even on damp wood. Especially on damp wood. FACT: The Ann Coulter Award for American Advancement is given out every year for the most innovative use of the word "raghead" in the media. In what’s sure to be a hotly-fought contest this June, Ann herself is, nevertheless, the bookie’s favourite to take home the prize for the fifth year running. FACT: Ann Coulter enjoys skiing because she is at home in below freezing temperatures. Ski resorts enjoy Ann’s patronage too as her sharp tip and circular ring make her a perfect temporary replacement for broken poles. FACT: In her yearbook Ann was voted "Most likely to be mistaken for a wishbone." FACT: Ann Coulter has been described as "reckless with facts" because she often speaks without knowing what she’s talking about but this is just another example...
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