The Banana Splits

Posted By Mark on Jul 26, 2005

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A Bunch Of Cults

Posted By Mark on Jul 19, 2005

Reading about Ayah Pin’s Sky Kingdom – the Malaysian cult built around a giant teapot – getting fire-bombed recently brought back a lot of memories for me. Yes, it’s a cult built around a giant teapot. No, I’m not making this up. No, seriously. There’s a link here and here too. See. Anyway, the memories: you see, I used to belong to Ayah Pin’s Sky Kingdom. It was one crazy Winter, I was in Malaysia (of course), and all the cool kids were joining. "There’s a giant teapot," they’d say. "You sit around a giant teapot. People from all backgrounds, and it’s the next stage up from all other religions!" Well, the next stage up from all other religions is something you just don’t ignore every day, but, truth be told, I was more interested in the giant teapot. I’d recently bought a giant round Tetley teabag from the market and had nowhere to whip up a brew; this sounded perfect for my needs. Ultimately, it was a disappointing experience. I arrived in time to see Ayah Pin marry his fourth wife against his will. He was merely following the wishes of his cult followers who had decided he needed another wife after he told them they had decided that. It was awfully sticky, temperature-wise, and I was bitten numerous times by various forms of fauna. Possibly some flora too. The Sky Kingdom honoured water for its healing properties but perhaps my heart simply wasn’t in it as the water did nothing to bring down the bumps, rashes, and haemmorhagic fever. Prior to my arrival the cult had simply been known as Ayah Pin’s Kingdom but had entered into a sponsorship deal with Rupert Murdoch; the effect was to cause friction in the cult with various splits threatened by those who wanted to stay true to the path of enlightenment around the teapot and those who wanted to chip in and pay for a satellite dish. In my state of insect-caused delerium I writhed and ranted incoherently and became regarded as a prophet. I apparently formed a Third Way group who overran the cult compound with pointy sticks and parrots on string and finally got the water in the teapot up to a nice boil to try out my teabag. It wasn’t proper Tetley and I barely escaped with my life, dragged to safety by a friendly Howler monkey. I never did catch his name. Good times. Ayah Pin and his magical Sky Kingdom isn’t the only cult to have been blessed by my membership over the years. The Unified Church of Inappropriate Swimwear The Unified Church of Inappropriate...

The Joy Of Pointing with Tim Westwood

Posted By Mark on Jul 14, 2005

Can’t think what to do this Summer? Why not learn a new skill? Discover The Joy Of Pointing. Impress your posse with the illest, dopest, flyest, defest, dumbest, and blindest skills this side of Heaven. Sign up for a comprehensive, high-octane course in Street Pointing with the Point Professor himself, Tim Westwood, octagenarian BBC Radio 1 DJ and host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride UK. Take a look at the course preview! Look man, look! Basic Attitude PointThe Basic Attitude Point is the pointing technique from which all other points form. Beginners must perfect this first pointing method before progressing. Ideal when you need to keep it simple or take the wayback machine to the days of old school and beyond or if you’ve only got one hand free. Once this skill is mastered you’ll also find it has everyday uses too allowing you to call elevators and pick your nose more efficiently. Westwood says … Yo! Now your basic point needs that classic Westwood attitude. Say it! At-ti-tude! It looks simple to an outsider but this is still the bomb. Mmmmm. Cra-zeee. Look at those other fingers. You need wicked fly skills to keep it real like that. Do I make myself clear? Understand that! Exactly. Other cats might just concentrate on the index finger but not this dude. Recognise! The Double Dead WormsThe Double Dead Worms gets its name from the resemblance to two creatures of the phylum Annelida suffering from rigor mortis. Essentially a Basic Attitude Point duplicated and mirrored there are still some noticeable differences that, if not taught properly, will render your street cred zero. Zero. You want to be a hero, not a zero. Westwood says … Are you tired of getting stomped on? Exactly. Now you want the crazy dope Dee to the Dee Double-you. That’s Double Dead Worms baby. Or Dope Def Wicked! Yeah, you know it! Recognise. You will be having a lot of fun out there with this pimped-up bomb of a point. Two hands! Exactly. Yo. So gangsta, so old school. Respect! Two Fingers Of WhiskeyDeriving its name from the Wild West custom of ordering whiskey by the thickness of the barman’s fingers and originating, appropriately enough, from the west coast of America, the Two Fingers pointing technique at once brings the pointer back to his or her childhood playing with pretend guns. Your bitches and/or hos will also appreciate this and you’ll find out why on the course. Westwood says … Exactly! It’s a shutdown, it’s a takeover. You take your one-finger pointers and you tear them down. Recognise. Cold lampin’! Two fingers is more than enough...

The Case Of Clive The Ripper

Posted By Mark on Jul 11, 2005

I and Holmes had seldom crossed paths recently. For me it was simply a case of juggling my work at the practice, my marriage, and my mistress, a negro woman smuggled up the Thames by a Prince, no less, as reward for my having cured him of a rather nasty case of hairy feet. I still couldn’t pronounce her name and I did worry that the coal-shed was possibly not the best place to keep her chained up and certainly less than desirable when the urges for wanton acts that my good wife would violently refuse took ahold. As for my dear friend, Holmes spent each week either experimenting with new ways to take the cocaine he lived for or working feverishly on some case or another where my assistance – such little as I could ever afford – was not required. I recalled reading a little of his exploits at solving the Mystery Of The Murdered Marmot in the previous week’s London Zoo Digest, and there was, of course, the much-publicised events surrounding the climax to The Aberystwyth Aardvark Affair. In truth, Holmes’ fascination with solving animal-based crimes did not interest me as much as it once had. Not since Fluffy. As I stepped out from my civil practice on the evening of the ninth of August, 1891, with the only thought in my mind that of whether to use the vacuum pump or the new-fangled electrical generator on my nubian’s nipples while my darling wife was away in Norfolk visiting with her sisters, it was with some surprise that I found myself face-to-face with Wiggins, the leader of the Baker Street Irregulars. His dirty face filled me with disgust as easily as his scrawny, yet toned buttocks straining at the trousers two sizes too small for him aroused some other primeval urges. Quickly he told me that Sherlock Holmes was currently out of his drug-induced dreamstate and asking for my aid and then, without so much as a wave, he sprinted down the street. I might normally have chased him on the pretext of gaining more information while really enjoying the muscles of his gluteus maximus rippling through the coarse fabric but the lure of my friend Holmes quenched my unmanly desires and I strode towards Baker Street with great haste. I was shown in and up to his office immediately upon arrival. Holmes stood in the centre of the room, his chin resting on his chest, his hands clasped behind his back. He glanced at me, smiled, and pointed to the Chesterfield. "Seat yourself, my good doctor, and please take a cigar and some brandy to...

Never Forget Tony

Posted By Mark on Jul 7, 2005

Office Exercises

Posted By Mark on Jul 6, 2005

There are many ways to get fit and lose weight but, as with all things, it is simply a lot harder for some people to achieve than others. The group most prejudiced by society and just bad luck are office workers – the people who spend most of the day sat at their desk – who also happen to have cable television and broadband internet and DVDs. Madame Physique, the mysterious and ethereal patron ghost of weight-loss, has rolled her magical dice made from tightened abdominal muscles and rippling pectorals and they’ve come to rest on Snake Eyes for those who find the evening lure of the television and the internet holds sway after a long day of sitting down coding, typing, or secretly playing Bejeweled. You’d like to exercise, honest you would, but there’s just no time. But now there is! Yes, you can exercise at work, at your desk, in the office, and get paid to do so! Now that’s the sort of exercise that appeals! Okay, there are other sites out there that have talked about office exercises before, but they always involve you making it painfully obvious to everyone else that you’re attempting to fittenise (may not be a real word) your lifestyle. Try those sorts of exercises and become the butt of jokes in your office. A couple of days later and it’s time to kill your colleagues and then take your own life out of shame through Office Seppuku (a head-first charge at the photocopier). Not here. Now you can tone your body in private and each exercise has added bonuses too! Monitor Lift The Monitor Lift is great for your biceps or triceratops; whichever one isn’t a dinosaur. For this you will need a monitor of significant weight. A normal CRT monitor is perfect. Flat LCDs are pointless. The 21" Sun Workstation monitor I have at home that is seemingly factory-fitted with three inch-thick steel, a car battery to power the 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor, and a sizeable lump of SuperLead for a laugh (twice as dense as normal lead but with all the same licking goodness) is only for the insanely mighty to use. Like me. I’m insane. Lift the front of your monitor up a fraction of a millimetre and slide a sheet of paper underneath the base. Now, stand up, bend at the knees, keep your back straight, put your two arms under the monitor, lift it straight up, and ask someone to retrieve your important blank sheet please. Once they have done this replace the monitor and repeat the process. You will be able to perform this task...