Men! How to wrap presents
Today is the birthday of My Beautiful Better Half™ which means that for the next two months and a few days she is no longer younger than me and, therefore, technically and more importantly, I am not older than her. I’m not here to talk about her birthday presents though in case I have been captured, drugged, physically altered, and made to think it is a later date than it really is so as to give away what I bought – yes, that’s right, I have seen "36 Hours" starring James Garner! – but I do want to share wisdom that I have managed to consume through the membrane of my skull and that wisdom is this: The neOnbubble Guide To Wrapping Presents For Men I’m a man. I have all the man-parts associated with men including – but not limited to – dangly bits, sticky-out bits, bits that really should have been put on the inside out of sight and harm’s way, and ruggedness. I also have a man-brain, something far superior to the Lady Brain from Remington which looks pretty but has no sense of direction and a small and ineffective sport appreciation lobe. However, the man-brain does seem to be lacking a natural gift-wrapping skill. This is probably a result of evolution; cavemen, according to historians, would go off hunting all day, then play some football, get steaming drunk on ripe fruit, and stagger home (note the superior sense of direction) to be fed by their lovely cavebabes. The females, during this time, would have tidied some rocks, washed some rocks, and finally wrapped some rocks in vines and leaves so as to surprise their beloveds on their arrival. Over the decades since then hunting has given way to the industrial revolution and space travel, while rocks have been replaced by cushions, but otherwise nothing has changed. Wrapping, like the appendix whose purpose in flaring up and screeching and driving off the giant butterfly overlords who seeded this planet with man back in Jesus’ time is now almost moot, is an unnecessary appendage – albeit a mental one – for most men. There are many techniques for wrapping presents. Some are advanced, some are basic, some apply to specific types of gifts. I’ll show you how you can cope with most types of gift-wrapping scenarios using just two simple methods that anyone can learn. The Scrunchy Sticky Swift Method This technique is a catch-all method for wrapping any type of gift in a short amount of time. Ideal for odd-shaped presents and last-minute "Oh my God! Our anniversary! I’m going to die!" situations. You will need:...
Henchy Monthly: June Edition
Welcome to the June edition of Henchy Monthly! Henchy Monthly is a free newsletter available to all employees of Auriga Base. Not for redistribution outside Auriga Base or for viewing by non-Auriga Base personnel under penalty of liquefaction. Auriga Base News June has been a month of highs and lows. Let us start with news less well-received by our most wonderful leader Dr Silverhead. Firstly, the much publicised failure of the Russian Solar Sail craft was a bitter blow to all of us. As you all know the core of the craft had been replaced by agents of Auriga Base working on Project Sunbeam. The replacement of the high resolution camera with a particle beam weapon drawing power from the Sun’s photons hitting the sails sadly put the craft over the weight limit needed to achieve orbit and the craft fell into the ocean near New Zealand. Dr Silverhead had already prepared some video showreels with demands for money from various world governments and threats of city-wide destruction otherwise and was suitably displeased at this disappointing outcome. The lead scientific team of Project Sunbeam were sent to personally test Project Giant Food Blender as punishment. There has been some good news this month for one of our own: our congratulations go out to Oddleg, Dr Silverhead’s chief assassin, whose wife has announced she will be expecting their first child in February. Suggestions for the child’s name will be gratefully received and will be printed in next month’s newsletter. Just hand them in to your level supervisor before July 20th for inclusion. Oddleg has graciously offered a prize of one of his deadly syringe-tipped moustaches for the best name. There will also be a prize of one of his deadly syringe-tipped moustaches for the worst one. Only the manner in which the prize is awarded will differ. In lighter news the guards protecting Project Hindenburg apprehended a British secret agent early this month. Chief Security Guard Ramirez reports that everyone followed the guidelines to the letter and our unwelcome guest has now fully broken down in the glass bowl of hydrochloric acid on the top level of the visitors centre at Castle Silverhead in Romania. Apprehension Guidelines Do you remember your Apprehension Guidelines 101? Strip your intruder down and remove all their clothing and any jewellery and watches they may be wearing. Hands and feet should be secured with your Silverhead-issue plastic restraints. And always remember to shoot your captive in one knee for safety’s sake. Auriga Base has enjoyed over four years without a serious infiltration and that’s all down to great teamwork and top-notch diligence. The healthy fear...
Operation Yellow Elephant
Read more about Operation Yellow Elephant by clicking this here link here. Republicans are NOT cowards! I know that I quite often start a post off with a blatant lie but in this case I’m being deadly serious. I truly believe that Republicans are not cowards. Really. Admittedly, the evidence would seem to bear out the alternative view – and I’m sure many Republicans would agree if they weren’t changing their underwear at the time – since the general consensus is that most – if not all – Republicans are hypocritical and immoral pansies, control freaks with no backbones, sheep in vegetative states, and they smell too. However, this wide-ranging and mostly accurate generalisation only tells the vast majority of the truth. I firmly believe that inside each and every mindless Republican there really is a spark of integrity kept alive by a draught of toxin-laden air that isn’t stripped away to feed the cancerous growths of vile inhumanity so prevalent. The problem has always been that belief in something with no foundation to support it is easy to dismiss and difficult to gather support for. This doesn’t stop your average fundamentalist or Republican from attempting to do so but that’s because moronicity is a prerequisite for both particular social and political leanings. I’m not a moron according to my most recent tests so my belief that Republicans, like Darth Vader, still can be saved has, until now, remained a private matter, something I never bothered anyone else with knowing that its inherent basis in insanity was something that other people – of whom I care about deeply – really needn’t be concerned about. Luckily, a better person than I (it’s true; one exists), a true patriot among patriots, a devoutly heterosexual leader among men of all creeds and colours (*terms and conditions apply), has devised a method by which my very personal belief can be proven. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone so General JC Christian I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But not the heart of my bottom. Operation Yellow Elephant is a project that aims to reignite that sputtering human decency that I simply know has to be inside each and every young Republican who simultaneously wholeheartedly supports the Global War On Terror™ and wholeheartedly supports Hoping Someone Else Will Sacrifice A Limb Or Three For Freedom™. Let me say again: Mostly, Republicans are not cowards! Mostly. Military recruitment is in dire peril and attempts to make it look otherwise by altering the figures were sadly spotted. Are you a Republican who could fight for your country? Are you a Republican...
The Jerusalem Caper
It started, as these things normally do, in my office inside the walls of Jerusalem. It was late and I was getting bored of looking out through the rain of the early evening into the crowded streets below. Scholars, priests, guards, vendors: all making their way home. It made me want to go home too. I’d made up my mind to leave when Effie Perine of Judea, my secretary, stepped inside and leaned her body against me. "Samuel, there’s a woman outside," she said, looking up into my face with her dark, oval eyes. "A client? Or am I becoming attractive in my old age?" I asked. "You’re the detective," she quipped back. "Detect. And no, you’re not." And she stepped back out again. I had a few seconds to brush out the creases in my tunic and make sure my sandals were on straight before she returned. With Effie was a dark-haired beauty, a real looker. She had a face that would stop a runaway mule in its tracks and legs under her dress right up to under her chin. In my mind. I cleared my throat and tried to clear my mind. "Samuel Spadius," I introduced myself and pointed to the chair. "Won’t you take a seat Miss …?" "Thankyou Mr Spadius," she said. "Magdalene. Mary Magdalene." I watched her sit down. She looked like full-bodied wine pouring slowly into place as she folded into the seat. I caught a glimpse of ankle as she crossed her feet and turned slightly away from me. I wouldn’t need to visit Matthias The Adult Stone Tablet Seller for a while. My money lender would be pleased. Effie too. "That’ll be all Effie," I said. I knew she was probably giving me a look as she turned and left but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the siren in my office. That was one lucky chair. I tried to snap out of it. "So what can I do for you Miss Magdalene?" All business. Business pays the bills. "I’ve heard you’re good, Mr Spadius." she said. Her voice was like silk from the East. I liked the way her lips pursed when she said "good". Made me feel like behaving anything but. "I’m not good." I replied. "But I’m good at what I do." That made her raise her eyebrows. "And my friends call me Sam." "And your enemies, Mr Spadius? What do they call you?" "Anything they want dollface." I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to read the broad. Maybe she was rich, her rich magistrate husband missing, presumed dead. Maybe she was lonely. Maybe she’d read...
I am not a blog
I will not make any deals with you. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My site is my own. I will also not be memed. I am not a blog, I am a free website. Then again, I just can’t say no to geek girls and, really, they don’t come any geekier than Jasmine Strong. Jasmine "tagged" me – the internet’s equivalent of kiss chases only with marginally less chance of catching headlice (so I wasn’t doing it right, sue me) – with the latest "meme": some fricking DVD fricking thing. Do you know why I don’t "do" "memes"? They are the product of right wing fundamentalist Christians who wish to fill up the internet with textual detritus so as to use fascinating and not-at-all coincidental or forced pattern-matching algorithms on the sea of virtual ASCII characters to find hidden messages from God. I’M NOT PARANOID AND YOU CAN’T PROVE I’M NOT RIGHT! Anyway, I’ll do this one. This one time. Once only. Sigh. Fricking DVD Fricking Meme Fricking Thing 1. The total number of DVDs, videos, and films I own. Over 500 DVDs in silverish wire racks dotted around the living room and dining room! Mmmm, that’s style! There are some videos lying around in the attic but video is, like, so analogue baby and, besides, the video recorder has been relegated to the attic too since the DVD-HD recorder knocked on the door and begged to be let in. And I’ve got two of those DVD-carrying cases filled with Mystery Science Theaters (over a hundred of them so far) off the Digital Archive Project, God bless their souls. 2. The last film I bought. Do box sets count? Wait, who am I asking? I’m not mad. The last film-based purchase was the entire Season 3 of Starsky & Hutch. 3. The last film I watched. I, Robot. It was okay. Needed more product placement though. After running down to the nearest Audi showroom in my Converse shoes I was left momentarily confused as to what to purchase next. I bought a robot with emotions and instructed it to murder me. Little bastard didn’t even consider the three laws of robotics for a second before launching a savage attack on my windpipe with its paws. No Furby is a match for my Mighty Fist Of Crushing though. 4. My favourite five films of all time, ever. Kind Hearts & Coronets · Oh, this black comedy murder movie just oozes class from every pore of it’s filmy skin. Dennis Price is priceless (do you see what I did there, huh?) in his role....
An interview with Dr Brian Cox
Dr Brian Cox, doctor, may be recognisable to a great many of you who picture things in their minds when they hear noises and who were listening to Radio 4 in the UK in the evenings in January as the man who presented the three-part series titled "In Einstein’s Shadow" which may or may not have been about a time-travelling dog in a DeLorean. For the remaining 103% of you who didn’t catch those programmes Dr Brian Cox is a physicist who likes it high energy-style, works anywhere there’s a particle accelerator handy, and has appeared on television when complicated science is required and traditional bald, bearded, tweedy men might be considered a tad off-putting. I collided with Dr Brian Cox recently (that’s a particle physics joke there, feel free to use it) and got to ask him a few questions about his work, his aspirations, his thoughts on the creation of the universe, his greatest achievement in the field of physics, and the meaning of life itself. Sadly, most or all of those questions didn’t make the cut. ME: Dr Brian Cox – or may I call you Brian? – I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? BRIAN: Please do call me Brian, Mark, but, if you don’t mind, could we perhaps keep the questioning related to my work in the field of physics? ME: Of course. Let me try again: I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? Neutrino? BRIAN: Well, we were supporting Jimmy at the time and I believe we were in Newcastle. Late 1988 I think. I can’t remember the name of the hotel but let me tell you this: mirrors on both sides of the bathroom! Luxury! You could look in one and see a reflection and a reflection of a reflection and so on. In fact I tried an experiment there by waving and seeing how long it would be before the most distant reflection waved back – it was a test of the speed of light and how drunk I was – but some of the reflections didn’t wave at all and I got scared. That’s when I knew I’d never watch Poltergeist 3 again. And the towels were really fluffy. Stole two. ME: You’re from Oldham. Now,...
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