More Guantanamo Koran Abuse Revealed!
Another day, another string of confirmed incidents of religious intolerance and abuse by the freedom-loving protectors of freedom at Guantanamo’s Camp X-Ray (also known as Geneva Convention Avoidance Center Alpha (also known as USSC Party Prison)). From the JTF-Guantanamo Commander’s Koran Inquiry Team PDF report: guards kicked the Koran of a detainee, a two-word obscenity was written in English on the inside cover of an English version Koran, a guard left his observation area post and went outside to urinate, the urine came through an air vent in Camp 4, and splashed on a detainee and his Koran, a contract interrogator later terminated for a pattern of unacceptable behavior, an inability to follow direct guidance and poor leadership stepped on a detainee’s Koran during interrogation, and, most disturbingly, Korans were wet because the night shift guards had thrown water balloons on the block. Disturbing and unsurprising, yes, but only the tip of the iceberg I’m afraid as new allegations about the criminal behaviour of the guards and information extraction specialists in Gitmo are leaked exclusively to this site. Cake Incident On 16 MAY 04, Spotless Cleaners of Houston, TX were given security clearance to attend to the clear-up following a 25th birthday party for the Sergeant of the Guard which had gotten out of hand the previous night and degenerated into a food fight. The Block NCOIC reported that the spectacle was akin to something out of The Great Race. During the cleaning, one Koran was found to have icing from the sponge cake on the cover and grease from a sausage on a stick had stained another Koran. These were replaced and apologies issued and both detainees were allowed to take a doggy bag of leftovers back to their cells. Soggy Biscuit Incident On 3 JAN 05, a detainee in Delta Block complained that his copy of the Koran had become soiled by an off-white liquid while stored in its surgical mask holder near an air vent. Investigation by the NCIS revealed that the United States Southern Command regional finals of the Soggy Biscuit World League took place the previous evening outside the block. Weather conditions were windy and investigators surmised that it was possible that ejaculate had been blown down the vents accidentally although it was impossible to prove for certain. The detainee’s Koran was replaced. Camp X-Ray’s team did not fare very well in the event, finishing last and suffering the usual game penalty. Pass The Parcel Incident On 19 AUG 04, as part of the anniversary detention celebrations for Charlie Block’s detainees the OIC organised a Pass The Parcel game in the cells, the parcel...
Munching The Carpet
Okay, I’m just going to float this idea out there, treat you lot like a strange and scary thinktank, see if I get any feedback, see if there’s bits you like and bits you don’t, that sort of thing. Right, here we go: I’m thinking of writing a new series for TV. Cable TV probably, but you never know. So, we’re obviously saturated with "news" programmes and "cartoon" programmes and "home and garden jealousy-creating" programmes and "reality" programmes and "100 Best 100 Best Programmes" programmes but I think we’ve still only dipped a toe in lesbians so far. That sounds bad; I would never dip my toe in a lesbian! Oh, except Jodie Foster if she’s one! Lovely brain. Studied at the Lycée Français de Los Angeles. But yes, "lesbian" programmes are still little more than teens in the adult world of television (and I’m not just saying that so that the words "lesbian" and "teens" (it’s short for "teenagers"!) would appear in this paragraph). Sure, we’ve had "The ‘L’ Word" and there was Ross’ wife in "Friends" and "Ellen", of course, and "Tipping The Velvet" and "The Golden Girls" but I think TV audiences are still clamouring for more "ladies who love to love ladies and the ladies who love being loved by the ladies who love to love ladies" programmes. So, here it is: Munching The Carpet! It’s a drama series, obviously, because your average lesbian woman is female and dramas are right up their alleys if you’ll excuse the imagery. So there’s romance and tension from the word ‘Go’. But your average lesbian is traditionally violent and filled with rage so there’s also action and comedy because these things appeal to testosterone beetles according to science-types. It’s an actionlesbidramady. There’ll be a strong family element to it too because gay families annoy the American Taliban and the old TV adage of "Kontroversy equals Kerching!" holds true to this day. Think "The Sopranos" meets "Charlie’s Angels" and you’re almost there. The characters! We need a core of lesbians doing all the things that lesbians do – constant soapy showers, cheerleading as a hobby, riding horses, that sort of thing – but we need to make them slightly normal too; perhaps give them normal jobs and names to fill out the roles. Make them more human. Straight men will be a big target audience for this programme and we need to push across the idea that inside every lesbian is a bisexual woman willing to have sex with one straight guy and nine of her lesbian swimsuit model friends night-after-night. One of the key locations will be the...
How to be a DJ
I was blessed with the pure joy of attending a surprise 50th birthday party over the weekend. It was the usual affair: groups of people who didn’t know one another singularly not mingling – for that is the British way! – in a church hall decorated with balloons and amusing photographs from across the decades of the to-be-surprised victim interspersed among the various drawings of nightmares by children from the local school who use the church hall on a more regular basis. Posters on the walls depicted kids jumping next to the word ‘Jump’, hopping next to the word ‘Hop’, sitting next to the word ‘Sit’, and setting fire to the substitute teacher next to the word ‘Arson’. Education has come on a way since I was at school. There was a smell in the air that was at once both endearing – since it was so distinctly the very smell of school from childhood – and revolting – since my imagination concluded the chair I was sitting on may have been used my some six year-old who’d peed himself just the week before. Food was buffet-style and consisted mostly of crisps and nuts. There may have been quiche too but I was loathe to lift the foil on the plate next to the plastic cups and discover if this was so. Being a church hall and therefore an establishment lacking a bar this was also a "bring your own bottle" event; carrier bags that had ported inside them bottles of Jack Daniels or generic gin, or boxes of wine, or packs of cans of bitter were dotted under every table just out of the way of the small clearing space in the room centre allocated for the spectacle of "dancing". In essence it was an occasion done on the cheap, which is no terrible thing in this modern climate of terrorists on every corner and mass redundancies by text message and squirrels with murderous intent in their eyes in the corner of the bedroom. But, the organisers had splashed out for a DJ! Being raised a strict non-mingler Catholic and knowing approximately 1% of the people in attendance I was granted the time to sit back and observe what it is to be a DJ. All your Fatboy Slims and your Paul Oakenfolds and your Jazzy Jeffs had to start somewhere before they earned any respect and that place was DJing a mobile disco at a party, or a wedding, or a funeral, or a Christmas function, or a bar or bat mitzvah. With my dream of being ridiculously rich and not having to work for a living...
Pictures of Lady Sovereign
If there’s one thing that writing my Pictures Of Jentina article back in June of 2004 has taught me it’s that I’m not that bad at optimising my site and content in order to draw people in, people like to see pictures of celebrities (artistic licence for use of the word "celebrities";bear with me), and children these days are uncapable of spelling. Okay, that’s three things. And uncapable was deliberate. Anyway, hot on the heels of that Jentina post (or nearly a year later if you want to get all technical and accurate about it) comes the next in my thrilling series: Pictures Of Semi-Famous People ‘N’ 100% True Facts ‘N’ Stuff. It was a difficult choice selecting a new beneficiary for this series but in the end I chose Lady Sovereign. There were a number of reasons why I chose Lady Sovereign but the main one was an attempt to stop people still leaving comments on the Jentina article: it’s been eleven months people! Stop it already! I know most of you couldn’t spell if your life depended on it but I was harbouring a small hope that you knew what dates were, what they looked like, and in what approximate order they tended to appear. So, on with this entry where I’ve promised to show Lady Sovereign pictures and reveal information about the diminutive singer never before revealed or even made up! FACT: Lady Sovereign was raised by a family of magicians in London’s beautiful ghetto of Wembley. A fully paid-up member of the magic circle to this day, she uses many of the tricks she has been taught from an early age to distract and entertain people, the most notable being always standing behind a convex lens to appear larger than her true 2’7" frame. FACT: Lady Sovereign and Jentina are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, shellsuits versus tracksuits, Wiley-Kit versus Wiley-Kat, Knight Rider versus Are You Being Served? They meet every Saturday night and wrestle in mud with razor blade-studded mittens but nobody is allowed to watch. I have a secret video though but it makes me feel funny when I watch it and I couldn’t possibly share it with a stranger. FACT: Although she is not allowed to drive a car for security reasons (and because boxes strapped to the feet, while amusing in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, are frowned upon by Her Majesty’s traffic police), Lady Sovereign is permitted to take her fleet of dirigibles out whenever she wants. Last year she fell through a timehole above Harrods and helped to defend London...
UK ID Cards
The Queen’s Speech has finished and we learn that Tony Blair – that reprehensible, contemptible, lying, murder-responsible, intelligence-fixing, smarmy git of a "beloved leader" here in the kingdom so fractured they named it the United Kingdom for a laugh – still wants to introduce ID cards. The Identity Card Bill will be one of his first tests to confirm just how incredibly stupid the population of this country still are, following hot on the heels of his stumbling victory only won through archaic voting practices and the support of tax-evading foreigner Rupert Murdoch’s news filtering services. The key reason that Blair and our New Labour Overlords continue (repeat, repeat, resubmit the bill, repeat) to put forward for ID cards is this: (look into my eyes) identity cards (look into my eyes) will (not around the eyes) help (not around the eyes) prevent (look directly into my eyes) terrorism. What’s not explained is how they will do this but the small-print of the bill spells it out nicely: identity cards will be fitted with RFID chips, bugging devices, and really strong horse glue. This combination means that although you won’t be forced to carry one on you at all times – this won’t be Nazi Germany for another couple of years yet! – you also won’t be able to put one down after your irises are scanned, fingerprints taken, weight and height measured, health history recorded, sexual and religious preferences extracted under torture, and you are photographed nude for future leverage. Everything you do, everywhere you go, and everything you say will be stored for posterity. Trigger words and phrases such as "Blair" and "wish someone would punch that smirking fucker in the teeth" will result in instant incarceration, interrogation, and re-education. Voices that sound a little swarthy will cause the ID cards to self-arm and release ricin into the skin. How much will ID cards cost each person? The initial figure issued has been around £70 per identity card per person (UPDATE: In the couple of weeks since writing this article the cost has been raised to £93 per person; guess how much it will be when it finally comes in despite the wishes of the people … and win a prize!). This type of ID card will entitle the bearer to have their privacy invaded both in this country and abroad. Cheaper versions will be available for those patriotic people who decide not to help the economies of less terror-prone nations by visiting them. A special "Red, White, & Blue Premium ID Card" priced at £129 comes with a book of discount vouchers that can be used at...
Fashion tips for girls
We’ve got gay men giving clothing and lifestyle advice to straight men. We’ve got odd women with dress senses that make you want to burn them dispensing similar fashion advice to men and women of either sex (and occasionally both). But where are the straight men giving advice to women? I don’t mean the men on construction sites expelling pearls of wisdom such as "You’ve dropped your handbag love!" (Damn you sexual harrassment laws and all the occasionally harmless pestering you’ve ruined! Damn you to hell!) I mean men like me pointing out fashion no-nos to women like the ones you see in the street, or in the supermarket, or under the stairs in the oubliette. Well, last time I checked, I’m a man like me! Now, remember: these fashion tips are deadly serious (ignore them and I’ll post a venomous snake through your letterbox armed with a dagger and some cyanide capsules to make absolutely certain) and aren’t just for girls! They’re also for women and ladies and ladyboys and open-minded men who aren’t afraid of getting caught in a lovely, silky pair of quality, high-cut knickers with padded gusset. And that old and confused-yet-determined man who walked through the shopping precinct just the other day in the rain with a manly pullover, a manly shirt, manly shoes, a pretty flowery skirt, and tights. Although I suspect he doesn’t have an internet connection in whatever padded cell he escaped from so this is probably wasted on him. Yeah, forget him. Shoes Let’s start with the objects that in the absence of an all-powerful deity do a pretty good job at keeping women quiet and occupied and out of the way of the cable box remote control sensor. I don’t care how comfortable or uncomfortable they feel, and I don’t care if some F-list celebrity has endorsed them, as I see it these are the "Grade ‘A’ Approved neOnbubble Golden Rules Of Wearing Ladies Shoes": "Chunky" Shoes Chunky shoes are those that tend to be "sporty" in appearance, typically with a sole having a uniform thickness of at least four centimetres (I love throwing in metric measurements to confuse Americans) and sometimes reaching stupidly high amounts closer to 1/2640th of a furlong (I love throwing in fractions of inappropriate imperial measurements to confuse everyone). I have no doubt that they have some advantages when worn such as making it harder to knock the owner over but – and women tend to find this important – their general chunkiness adds the appearance of weight to the leg area. This shortens the perceived leg length and squattenifies (I may have made...
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