Dear Male Colleagues
An email I drafted this morning but decided not to send because I didn’t want to be that guy. Even though I am that guy. Dear male colleagues, I’m shocked that I have to explain to adults how toilets should be used, but here goes: When peeing (in the urinal or the cubicle (or the sink, but if you ever do this then I’m going to start arming myself with a machete, just so you know)), stand in front of the bowl with the seat up (if applicable), face it, and pee into it. Some people appear to be mixing up some of these steps or skipping them entirely. I don’t appreciate tip-toeing into the cubicle hunting for the dry spots on the ground on which to stand. To whomever was responsible just now for the lake to the left of the bowl and – far more worryingly – the large puddle by the cubicle door: how can you not notice what you’re doing? How is it even possible to get a puddle by the door? Is there some sort of inter-office game of urine squash taking place and this was the result of a practice shot off the back wall? Why was I not informed about this game in a company email? If it was through a fear that I might have coated the back wall with copper sheeting and wired it up to the mains then you’re damn right I would have. Any sane person would. I suspect this isn’t the case; I suspect something far more mysterious is responsible: the mystery of how a grown man cannot aim his penis at a hole nearly two feet in diameter. We’re in the nerdiest of industries; would it help to imagine you’re Luke Skywalker and Han Solo has just told you you’re all clear kid so you can blow this thing and go home? More seriously, one of our clients provides spectacles and contact lenses to the general public; may I recommend an eye test? If none of this is palatable then the only course of action is to purchase some adult nappies. You become more productive, we keep the soles of our shoes dry; everyone’s a winner. This brings me to the second point: I would have fought the gag reflex and grudgingly – exceedingly grudgingly – cleared up the miniature recreations of the Great Lakes I discovered in the nearest cubicle this morning myself were it not for the lack of toilet roll both in the dispenser or in the cupboard outside the toilets where we store the spare rolls. Oh, you didn’t know there were...
ZX81 Mail Order Games
I didn’t get my first computer until 1983 – a second-hand Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48K from a family friend who was “upgrading” to an Acorn Electron (the fool! He later bought an Archimedes as I recall too!) – so missed out on what almost appears to be the Raspberry Pi of the early eighties, the ZX81. I’m currently enjoying going through a lot of old computer magazines from the period (this is not a midlife crisis) which is why you’re seeing a surge in posting (one or two a week! Slow down man!) and a similar theme amongst the posts too. It’s also why I created the new Retro category for the site. I want to capture for posterity some of the adverts for ZX81 games I’ve been seeing a lot of recently and, in particular, I want to focus on mail order games for this post. The early eighties appears to have been a great time to be a hobbyist programmer with a pile of blank cassettes just ready to record the latest masterpiece in 1-16K of memory onto. I remember a similar surge in amateur coders creating and publishing on the cheap with the Amiga in the early nineties too. These days? Well, apps from a phone’s app store just doesn’t really have the same feel. But then I’m old. The first advert I’m going to highlight is for two reasons: firstly, the content, which should be blindingly obvious. Secondly, the company: Automata Ltd. Because they were based in Portsmouth. I’m from Portsmouth in case that reasoning seems a little odd. The content: three cassettes described as being “adult games for jaded minds” containing 8-10 games on each. Can of Worms for the over 16s includes Acne, Vasectomy, Smut, Hitler, Dole, Royal Flush, Reagan, and Ps ‘n’ Qs. Hitler and Smut on the same tape? Surely not! Love and Death is one for over 18s and includes Seduction, Conception, Birth, Rubic’s Pube, On The Job, Pox, Dr Death, and God. There’s something almost “Meaning of Life”-esque about these titles. The Bible is for over 16s too and includes Genesis, Adam & Eve, Noah, Plagues, Exodus, Holy Moses, Sodom, Goliath, Jonah, and Bethlehem. I suppose a game based on the book of Numbers was probably saved for a cassette called Unending Tedium. Are Automata still in Portsmouth at the same address? No, they’re not. These days it’s an estate agent’s and a slimming clinic. That’s a shame; I feel it deserves a museum. I did own one Automata game for the Spectrum: Pimania. My memory of it is that it was incredibly weird and written in BASIC so...
Halls Of The Things
I remember with some fondness seeing this advert for Halls of the Things on the Sinclair ZX Spectrum in the eighties. It looked like the sort of game I’d enjoy; fantasy with a hint of science fiction. And crouching! Oh, how I loved to crouch in the eighties! And being t-shirtless! It was the warm decade where secondhand cocaine abuse by stock market traders heated us all into a frenzy of toplessness. A sword! We were all armed to the teeth back then. Duran Duran might appear at any moment and only cutting off their heads could stop them. Orange stars and white sparkles! Another side effect of nearly toxic levels of cocaine in the atmosphere. What a period! Yet for some reason I never bought the game and I don’t know why. Fast forward a couple of years (okay, a few decades if we’re getting picky) and I’m now rich enough and powerful enough (and deluded enough to think I’m rich enough and powerful enough) to be able to play this game whenever I want. I’ll be honest: I was...
Terror-Daktil 4D
Browsing through some old Spectrum magazine adverts and I happened upon this little beauty for a game I’d never played before called Terror-Daktil 4D. Now, as someone with an interest in science I was particularly intrigued by the four-dimensional element to the game so decided to fire up the emulator and have a play with this Melbourne House-published title. The loading screen and a reasonable facsimile of the advert which – you’ll notice – features a heroine and not a hero! Admittedly, it’s a heroine almost bursting out of her khaki top, screaming in fear, and firing near-blindly at what could arguably be described as the scientific find of the millenium but baby steps, baby steps… The game starts with a plane ride on Lost-Jungle Airlines (not affiliated with Drowned-Civilisations Cruise Inc.) and a captain who lets us know we can smoke. Ah, the days when you could smoke on board a plane! The 1830s I think. There’s then a bit of trouble with the aircraft and cigarettes are requested to be put out. If your plane does fall out of the sky and crash into the side of a mountain, wings shearing off and fuselage folding up like a concertina as rocks and trees rip it apart then you really don’t want to compound the issue by dropping your fag and burning a hole in your trousers. The plane apparently crashes and the next thing we are treated to is a Space Invader invasion over a landscape incorporating a volcano, a river, and signs of advanced agriculture or generous allotment allocations on a vast plain. Something in the foreground lobs things towards the Space Invaders and it’s possible to move left and right. I haven’t got a clue what’s going on. The eponymous villain of the piece then turns up; the Terror-Daktil flaps a bit and flies towards you and nothing you do makes a difference. Demonstrating its ancestry with birds it then flies straight into the window/monitor and smashes it. At this point I felt the game had barely delivered on 1D let alone four of the things and gave...
Star Trek Continues
Star Trek Continues starts where the original series finished allowing fans of the science fiction series to experience some more adventures from that five year mission shamefully curtailed by short-sighted television executives. Pilgrim of Eternity is the name of the first episode and you can watch it here; Apollo – who you might remember from the episode Who Mourns For Adonais? – returns to wreak havoc on Kirk and the Enterprise. Star Trek Continues E01 “Pilgrim of Eternity” from Star Trek Continues on Vimeo. Excellently produced with great attention to detail; the set, sounds, lighting, costumes, and story do great justice to the original series of Star Trek. I imagine Gene Roddenberry would approve. Check out the website for details on the cast and crew as well as wallpapers and background information on the making of the new show. You can also follow the show on Facebook and Twitter. Like I...
The Philadelphia Experiment (2012)
Live commentary. Remember people: this is based on actual events. Really. I swear. Actually happened. With a little poetic licence. Mostly around the facts and the story and the people. Otherwise it’s all pretty close to the actual events that actually happened. An experiment in modern day. The sort of experiment that sees people wheel a car in and immediately start pressing buttons to make it turn invisible. I’m no experimental expert but I don’t think that’s the way an accredited laboratory would do things. At least they’re not taking safety for granted; everyone’s got a pair of shades. Teslas! Of course! If it can just get up to about 40 teslas then that should make it disappear. And it has! That’s real science there. Good stuff movie. Oh, it’s Maybourne from Stargate SG-1. An actual recognisable actor. Excellent. A modern diner and a hacker waitress. Naturally. So, we’ve got a ship from the past now in the present and it’s got lots of glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects all over it and people trapped in carbonite on it, plus one sailor with chewing gum on the bottom of his shoes. And what do the sailor from the past and the sheriff from the present do? Touch the glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects. Why? Training people! Who is training these people? You never touch glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects! The ship’s vanished and Maybourne’s gone too! Past sailor is now wandering around present town. Everything is strange! At least punks aren’t roller-skating past while listening to walkmans. Loud cars! A newspaper stand. It’s 2012! A modern diner again and the past sailor is there asking for Joe. Who’s Joe and why does he want a cup of him? He’s now asking for actual people and not coffee and there may be a descendant of one who’s not there now. He wants to pay for coffee but hasn’t allowed for inflation. Come on time travellers! You’ve got to allow for inflation! Hacker waitress now being told by other waitress that past sailor asked about grandmother. More importantly: hacker waitress answered the phone while driving. That’s dangerous. Don’t do that. Okay? Teslas! Effects! Sailor is in pain, bins fall over, cats and dogs living together. Downtown Chicago. Okay, now that was seriously quite cool. A ship appeared in mid air and crashed onto a skyscraper. A seriously quite cool part in the movie. I wasn’t actually expecting that. Of course, loads of people probably died and this will start a new government-santioned war against navies and the republican party will use the memory of this ship appearing to...
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