Pippa Middleton’s Arse
“Mister Fondle!” “Mister Poke!” “How lovely to see you here. I didn’t think you attended these things.” “Cosmetic Surgeons Club? Oh yes, I’ve been to a few. Kept myself to myself in the main although I’ve not visited in a while. Are you sure you haven’t seen me around?” “I don’t believe so.” “Have you considered some corrective eye surgery?” “Oh ho! Very good, very good! You almost had me there.” “No, but seriously, your left pupil is hideous.” “Implant accident during an enlargement procedure at work today. A squirt of saline found its way into my eye and, fool that I am, I rubbed it while still holding scissors.” “Scissors?” “Don’t ask. Anyway, how are you? How is Fondle’s?” “Fondle’s is doing well. Very brisk business recently. A rash of bottom augmentation surgeries on the books in the past few weeks.” “One should never mention bottoms and rashes in the same sentence.” “My apologies.” “Bottom-lifts, eh? Interesting. I’ve had a few average arses arrive and pert posteriors depart the doors of Poke and Prod’s in the last fortnight too.” “Oh, how is Mister Prod? Still as sprightly as ever?” “Sadly no. He may not look a day over forty but he is, in fact, several weeks over ninety and we simply cannot risk another lawsuit. We’ll keep the name for the purposes of hilarity though.” “A shame. But, yes, interesting, as you say, with regards to sudden surge in backside-reshaping.” “Perhaps it’s because of that delightful Pippa Middleton. Did you see her at the Royal Wedding?” “I did, but I’m afraid I don’t follow you. Where does Pippa Middleton fit in with bottoms?” “Women see her; women want what she’s got; women come to us.” “Hmmm. I’m sure Miss Middleton has a perfectly lovely behind but with hardly an ounce of fat on her body and her complete failure to walk around in bikinis in public I can’t see how people can come to that conclusion.” “Just a middle-aged cosmetic surgeon’s fantasy then, eh?” “Late middle-aged.” “Indeed. Still, it’s a shame we can’t promote it.” “What? Get an arse like Pippa Middleton even though nobody knows what Pippa Middleton’s arse looks like. Something like that?” “More devious. Women are flocking to get the amazing new Pippa posterior in time for the summer! Book now while you still can!” “I’m not sure that we could advertise that, much as I’d like to. There are rules after all.” “My dear Fondle! It’s not an advert. It’s news.” “It’s not news. No newspaper would run that story. Hence it not being news.” “No newspaper, no.” “I should really attend Cosmetic Surgeons...
Eurovision 2011 Preview: Part 3
And now for the third and final part of my little preview of some of the entries put forward for the Eurovision Song Contest which will be held in Düsseldorf on May 14th. Or “today” as it’s known around these parts. First up is the music tournament’s favourite song, Sognu by Amaury Vassili, representing France. That’s right: France are the favourites. I know. I thought that too. And that. Oh yeah, and definitely that. Big floppy hair and operatic stylings do nothing for me. Sorry France, but, yet again you’ve completely failed to embrace Eurovision and present us with something hilarious or even just mildly amusing. Unlike this lot. Zdob și Zdub – in addition to being gross swearing by Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men – is the name of the group and So Lucky is the name of the song that somehow made it through to the final for Moldova. Since half the scoring is from a musical jury and no jury in its right mind could like this song it’s clear that it’s got some popular support amongst the unwashed masses. And the reason is clear: France, look, this is fun. Okay, it’s not going to win but I hope it does well. Especially in light of the fact that they’ll be performing with tall, black traffic cones on their heads. Go Moldova! Sjonni’s Friends are singing Coming Home for Iceland and for Sjonni who, sadly, couldn’t be there to sing the song himself. You may just detect hints of The Brotherhood Of Man’s winning song for the United Kingdom in this pleasant, if not stunning tune. Estonia certainly aren’t powerhouses when it comes to producing music but Rockefeller Street by Getter Jaani isn’t half bad. I’d say it’s about three sevenths bad. But in Eurovision terms that’s pretty damned good. Now, having seen her semi final performance I have to say this: if she can sing better than that then this song has a chance of doing quite well; maybe a top three finish. And if she can’t then she’s always got the magic to fall back on. Now, when we can’t support our own teams or representatives we here in Britain like nothing more than finding tenuous links to other places doing well and claiming some affinity with them. Fortunately, if Blue fail to deliver – very possible – then we’ve always got English singer David Bryan who will be performing his song Change for Romania under the group name of Hotel FM. It’s actually a nice little song. Upbeat. Full of smiles. Toe-tappy. Hand-clappy. Dagnabbit to heck I genuinely like it. Yay England!...
Custom Doodles
Do you like custom doodles (or drawings, or scribblings, or sketches, or, well, go look through a thesaurus your damned self) or do you know someone who might like one for a birthday or a bat mitzvah or a dentist’s appointment or a Thursday (I’m not really up to speed with what people celebrate these days)? And, of course, these would be unique drawings (because that’s pretty much what “custom” implies) which means there’s every chance that they could be worth a lot on Antiques Roadshow A.D. 2525. Anything is possible in my mind. What you’re looking at there is a doodle by Claire of Claire for Claire’s new little enterprise, The Doodologist. She will do commissioned works for you, for any occasion you’d like, guaranteed to be awesome, and if you mention that you discovered her excellent artistic skills through this site you’ll only be charged triple. Go and be impressed with her gallery on the site or the artistry on her Flickr Doodle Projects. Go....
Eurovision 2011 Preview: Part 2
And now for the second part of my little preview of some of the entries put forward by Europe’s finest countries (and France (kidding!)) for the Eurovision Song Contest which will be held in Düsseldorf on May 14th. Representing the United Kingdom is the British pop boyband Blue. And if “British pop boyband” doesn’t fill you with fear then you’re a better man, woman, or it than me. Still, let’s take a look at Blue’s song, I Can, and see how it stacks up against the European competition. They’re the only country I’m not allowed to vote for since they’re my representatives and that’s just as well because I wouldn’t anyway. Now, Slovakia’s an odd one. TWiiNS is the name of this set of – brace yourself – twins, Daniela and Veronika. The song is called I’m Still Alive and I would probably describe it as inoffensive, bordering on listenable. The video, however, is quite weird. You have twins. You have twin girls. They’re pretty good looking twin girls if you can get past the huge foreheads. You decide – for reasons unknown – to splice some footage of logging, football, political rallies, rescue efforts, ice hockey, and babies into it all. Why, Slovakia? Why? Russia tends to do well in the Eurovision Song Contest because of the rampant cronyism prevalent among its Soviet neighbours and the threat of dire retribution by mob lords upon anyone who doesn’t vote for them or who bad-mouths them on the web. Wait… I mean they’ve been producing top quality songs by excellent artists with wide appeal in recent years and it’s ever so nice to have my wife back safe and sound. Alexej Vorobjov represents Russia this year with a song whose title should guarantee the flaming queens’ vote this time around, Get You. There are some constants you can rely on with Eurovision, some safe bets you can stake your house on. One of these is that Malta will always put forward a short, fat woman to belt out a Disney song. It’s in their nature. Maltese people: they do like a short, fat, Disney tune. So, it’s no surprise at all to see that this year they’ve sent forward another short, fat woman to belt out an uplifting track from an upcoming Disney movie: Wait just one Europopping moment there! That’s not a short, fat woman belting out a Disney song at all! There’s something wrong with Malta. Won’t somebody please help Malta? Oh God, think of the Maltese people at this time! No, I’ve checked and they really did it… they really went and picked… something… different! The song...
The Alternative Vote
We’ve got the chance to alter the way in which we vote in this country; this country being Englandland. On May 5th we get to pick between First Past The Post – the current system where whoever gets the most votes wins – or the Alternative Vote – where the person who best represents the majority of his or her constituents rather than simply has the largest single group of like-minded individuals wins. Some people will tell you that A.V. – the Alternative Vote – is a better system because it’s fairer; but it’s not. It’s, well, an alternative system with just an alternative measurement of determining fairness. Some people will tell you that A.V. is a worse system because it’s complicated; but it’s not. And they’re stupid. Really, really, mind-blowingly stupid. Technically vegetables level of stupid. And not the smart vegetables like cauliflowers, either; turnips. Some people will tell you that the Alternative Vote will be more costly because it will take longer to tally up the votes; they’re right. But the cost as a percentage will be very small. And the cost amongst all the other things in the country that money gets wasted on – like campaigning against changing the voting system – will be tiny. Pocket change. Do you want to vote in a Marks and Spencer Democracy or a Poundland Bargain Democracy? Some people will say that First Past The Post makes your penis grow; but it does the opposite. Seven studies have confirmed this. Some people will tell you that even the people who want A.V. don’t really want A.V.; they’re right. But these are the same people who wouldn’t let the people who don’t want A.V. to have anything other than A.V. so that’s a really dreadful argument concocted by bullies. Nobody likes bullies. You don’t like bullies. If you say you like bullies I’ll beat you up. And you’ll like it. Some people will tell you to write ‘STV’ on your ballot form and tick that instead; these people are imbeciles who shouldn’t be allowed to vote at all. And they’re being used by the people who are very happy with the status quo and keen to dilute any opposition. Don’t do this, you retarded turnip. Some people will say that A.V. would be like being first in a rowing race and then losing out thanks to marks awarded to other teams; they’re morons because that’s comparing apples to oranges. It would be much more like finishing first in the floor exercise but doing less well in the asymmetric bars and vault and thusly not winning the overall gold medal in...
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