Anne Francis
The actress Anne Francis – notable for her roles as Honey West in the TV series of the same name, and as Altaira Morbius in the science fiction classic Forbidden Planet – died on Sunday, January 2nd, 2011. I liked her. I like pertness. She had a pert nose. It was pleasing to my...
Predictions For 2011
It’s 2011 pretty much all over the world so what could possibly be better than a list of predictions for the year at hand that can then be checked against come this December? Plenty of things. Most things actually. Almost everything. But that won’t stop me. Predictions For 2011 I’ll actually get around to finishing the complete re-vamp of the code of this site and release a brand new stream-oriented design. Connected with the previous entry: I’ll actually update more than I did in 2010. Yes, over seven times! Apple changes the font spacing on its iPad packaging encouraging users to upgrade twice this year. I will take more photographs than I’ve ever taken before but will fail in my determination to take one picture a day by January 3rd. Celebrity deaths: Lionel Blair, Silvio Berlusconi, Michael Ball. Loose definition of celebrity used. Major earthquake hits Greece/Turkey. Above 2 on the Richter scale counts. I’m on a winner here. Prince Charles conducts an interview with Hello! magazine while drunk. Indian satellite will collide with a Chinese satellite in orbit causing international outrage as takeaway orders are mixed up. Female jockey will win the Grand National; her horse will finish placed. Civil war will break out in Uruguay centred on Fray Bentos giving tabloid papers an unending series of pie and pudding puns to fill up the quiet summer months. Smallpox is back and this time it’s smaller. Ironic mouse problem shuts down Disneyland Paris on health and safety grounds. French protest. The Syfy channel completes the betrayal of its roots with a further rebranding to PoundlandTV and the cancellation of any programme unable to be written and filmed on a mobile phone the day before...
Dealing With Snow
It’s that time of year again. The wave of excitement leading up to Christmas is about to peak and plummet into the trough of depression that is actually Christmas and the weather has turned a bit nippy. Anybody would think it was winter or something. Snow! It’s white, it’s cold, it’s pretty, it’s quite disruptive. In some countries – mine, for instance – it’s very disruptive. Many people blame the government but these are the sorts of people who blame the government for everything anyway. Many people blame climate change scientists for using the words ‘gobal warming’ for too long and leading them into thinking it’d get toasty in the higher latitudes at this time of year but these people are morons. The truth is that snow is just a vindictive little sod and he hates us all. Get over it people. So how do we deal with snow? Quite frankly, we’re not that good at it but help is at hand and with a little practice – if the Gulf Stream shifts position we’re really going to get plenty of that – we can get better. Dealing With Snow On The Roof Snow is light and fluffy except when there’s a lot of it and it gets a bit boisterous, a bit up for a fight, a bit hard and heavy. There’s a good chance you’re in a building right now as the homeless and adrift-at-sea demographics poll exceptionally low for this site and there’s an almost equally good chance that your building has a roof. Roofs are designed to keep you from being spied upon by Google Earth’s fleet of high altitude camera blimps. They additionally provide a place for birds to rest up during the day – a deal reached upon between the building industry and the avian illuminati towards the end of the dark ages – but they are only weight-tested to a legal minimum of 1.3 puffies (puffins per square metre). Thanks to our education system I don’t need to tell you that snow only has to reach 0.03 cubic centimetres to exceed a mature puffin in weight so I won’t. You can see, therefore, that a build-up of snow on the roof can lead to catastrophic collapse. Clearing snow from the roof using a spatula on a stick is hazardous when it’s snowing but may be necessary. However, a little understanding of thermodynamics allows us to dose up with some roof-based winter preventative medicine. Snow is cold. Heat is not cold. When snow is not cold it dies and decomposes into water. So, a warm roof will stop snow from settling and stressing...
The English Tea Ceremony
I’m something of a drinks expert. Something. Ask me anything about any drink and I can impart some knowledge about it. Water? Hard water tastes better than soft water. There! That’s some quality drinks expert knowledge right there. Real ale? Awesome! That sort of drinks expert analysis only comes free right here. Campari? Satan’s bitter, bloody spunk. I feel your mind expanding with these tidbits of expert knowledge. Well, get ready to explode! I’m about to tell you all about the English Tea Ceremony. Tea is England’s national drink, yet if you mention tea ceremonies it’s to the Far East that everyone turns; Japan, China, Vietnam, Lowestoft. Stop looking that way! Turn back and look at England. We’ve got your tea ceremonies covered with regional variations that will make your head spin and today I’m going to step through the process of a specific English tea-making ceremony that I like to call "The Proper Way To Make A Lovely Cup Of Tea." 1. Type Of Tea There are many types of tea – Assam, Earl Grey, Darjeeling, Yellow, Mister – but they generally all suffer from one flaw when it comes to tasting: they aren’t very nice, and that last one will punch you when you try to check it out. In addition to the types there are a number of delivery systems: leaves, bags, hypodermic needles. Of these three, leaves will make you choke and apparently my almost child-friendly packaging for neOnbubble Injected Tea isn’t good enough for Sainbury’s. For a proper cup of tea one needs to find teabags with a specific blend and a specific shape. The shape of the bag is very important. A square bag in a round mug causes all sorts of geometric problems when it comes to tea-taste dispersion through the water (didn’t that sound scientific?). A pyramid-shaped bag channels energy from the ethereal plane through to the base of the mug upsetting the delicate balance of life force pervasive in the infusion (didn’t that sound like a load of old claptrap?) The type of tea you want, therefore, is Tetley Round Teabags. No other choice will do. 2. Heating The Water Some people advocate the use of stove-top kettles or cauldrons or setting the shower to its hottest setting but, for me, an electric kettle is the simplest way to get the water to the correct temperature. It is vitally important that you not let the water boil dry: this will leave you with no water at all and your tea may then not be as good as it could be. Fortunately, with an electric kettle this is not likely to...
It’s That Dandy Andy Fanton
Who’s more randy than a girl called Mandy(*), tastes sweeter than a fistful of candy(**), is the world’s biggest fan of Jessica Tandy(***), and has a comic strip to call his own in the soon-to-be-relaunched comic The Dandy(****)? It’s Andy! Andy Fanton, that is. But Fanton doesn’t rhyme with anything(*****). Yes, close(******) personal(*******) friend(********) Andy Fanton has finally found gainful employment with a bastion of British comic history and will be ejaculating his writing and drawing skills upon a whole new generation of the puerile-minded. Behold! George Vs Dragon! So: if you’re a fan of Lord Likely, if you got sucked in by the vegetable-based lure of The Carrotty Kid, if you like the thrill of entering newsagents(*********), if you want to support local(**********) talent in these uncertain times, if you are easily-swayed into making decisions based on random internet-browsing, if you have eyebrows, or if you don’t have eyebrows then you’ll be wanting to purchase The Dandy. It launches on the 27th October. That’s this Wednesday coming up unless you’re reading this later. (*) Boys can also be called Mandy. Mandy Patinkin is one. Yeah, he’s one. (**) Sour candy. (***) He is the world’s biggest fan of Hume Cronyn too. (****) It seemed wrong to not have asterisks and a footnote here. (*****) Except canton. (******) We are both denizens of Portsmouth. (*******) He can be so cruel when he gets drunk. (********) Well, he’s not a foe anyway. (*********) I mean that exactly how you think. (**********) Everyone’s local to someone. This post has been sponsored by Asterisks & Footnotes GmbH – serving up family-friendly asterisks and footnotes to the internet since 1993(***********). (**********) No, make that...
12 Black And White Beauties Of Cinema
If I claimed that the following pictures of beautiful women of the black and white era of movie-making were chosen as much for the aesthetic pleasure from the photography itself as for the sheer gorgeousness of the subjects would you believe me? More importantly: would I care if you believed me or not? So, on with twelve stunning beauties of the silver screen. 12. Sybille Schmitz Sybille was a star of German cinema with a look that said "I’ve Teutonic blood coursing through my veins and I will stamp on you and crush you like a bug. Tonight’s safety word is Bismarck!" Owing to her working throughout the period of the third reich she was subsequently shunned by the post-war film industry, became depressed, developed an addiction to drugs, and eventually committed suicide. 11. Marlene Dietrich Marlene Dietrich was a staunch anti-Nazi opposer of antisemitism and a singer and actress of German descent who moved seamlessly from the stage to silent movies to radio and big Hollywood films. There’s not a single bad photo of her in existence. Dietrich had cheekbones. And underneath those cheekbones? More cheekbones. Not only that, but she was a bisexual atheist. If that’s not ticking all your boxes then you’re not me. 10. Rita Hayworth Rita Hayworth’s career exploded at around the time of World War II thanks partly to a popular pin-up photo taken of her for Life magazine at the time dressed in a negligee. Can’t imagine why that was popular. The most interesting fact about Hayworth’s early life was that she underwent forehead-broadening electrolysis treatment. Us men: we do like a nice wide forehead on our ladies. 9. Fay Wray If you don’t find the Canadian-American actress Fay Wray attractive then I think we can rule out the possibility of you being a giant gorilla. If you do find her attractive then you may be a giant gorilla, but you also have damn fine taste in the ladies. If none of this makes any sense to you and you haven’t considered the possibility that I’m referring to her most famous role in King Kong then just go, get out, leave this site now, begone, and scram. 8. Hedy Lamarr How many actresses can you name who have patented spread-spectrum communication technology used in radio-guided torpedoes and modern wi-fi systems? Two? You bloody liar! There’s only one and that’s the Austrian-born actress Hedy Lamarr. If you’re thinking that you really liked her in Blazing Saddles then Mel Brooks’ work here is done. 7. Clara Bow Clara Bow survived a tough childhood that included fending off her deluded mother’s knife pressed against her...
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