Failed Invention #662
In our ongoing series of inventions that have failed to make me a millionaire and in many cases have left me with out-of-court settlements running into the hundreds of thousands of pounds we reach number 662, the Heated Steering Wheel Gloves. Overview If you’re anything like me then you don’t always carry a pair of gloves on you. This is because if you’re anything like me then you’re not an obsessive loony. However, when the temperature drops and you get in your car first thing in the morning then you may just wish you’d brought your gloves along when you touch the steering wheel and realise its surface has somehow managed to plummet six or seven degrees below whatever it feels like outside. The driving experience then resembles that of a lizard always trying to keep only two feet on the hot sand as you dangerously breathe on your fingers alternately while trying to steer straight. Some people have heated steering wheels. That’s admirable but an awful waste of energy heating parts of the wheel you may never touch. Wouldn’t it be better if you could simply heat a smaller area; the parts you’re guaranteed to touch and nowhere else? Cheaper, faster, better for the environment! Heated Steering Wheel Gloves! The gloves are attached to the steering wheel in the officially-recognised, optimum ten-to-two position and the heating process can be started from your remote control as you approach the vehicle. No more forgetting your gloves, no more cold hands and dangerous driving! Why It Failed Putting the first glove on; no problem. Putting the second glove on while the first was locked in place proved to be troublesome and resulted in overuse of the head, knee, and mouth. The car could not be changed out of first gear without the assistance of a passenger. Turning sharp corners led to higher-than-acceptable rates of dislocated shoulders and pedestrian...
Arguing With Catholics
tl;dr Version Twitter. Argument. Catholics. Unmarried. Sex. Pregnant. Abortion. Hypocrite. Morons. Arguments! Just … just … just don’t, okay! Full Version We’ve all done it at some time; we’ve all tried to have a rational argument with someone who doesn’t understand what the word "rational" means. You can’t win this argument, no matter how impossibly right you are and how unbelievably wrong they are because their answer is to repeat already-disproved points or counter with irrelevant points. At some level you wonder whether they’re smarter than you’re giving them credit for and are employing a cunning tactic to make you back down. But they’re not; they really are that stupid. Yesterday, on Twitter I made a comment to a fellow Person Who Uses Twitter, regarding the girl from Portsmouth planning to carry to term her two-headed baby because she’s a devout Catholic and won’t abort this "gift" even though it has no chance of living any semblance of a normal life whatsoever. I found – and find – the reason for not aborting – that being "a devout Catholic" – rather at odds with her happiness at trying to have a baby outside wedlock for seven years, something I would have thought would also be, perhaps, not really in line with Catholicism and devoutness. I’m sure devoutness is a real word. My comment was: ‘Devout Catholic’ Lisa won’t abort doomed ‘gift from God’. Unmarried devout Catholic. Who’s had sex outside wedlock. Hypocrite. This then started an argument with several Catholics which, bizarrely, was an argument actually about English words and their definitions as opposed to any simple mocking of their ridiculous beliefs. There are four main ways someone could have seen that comment: 1. A follower of my Twitter stream and the person to whom it was addressed could see it, 2. Someone who happened to be viewing the public timeline at the time of posting could have seen it, 3. Someone could have randomly clicked on followers and happened upon the status by luck, 4. Someone could have searched Twitter, probably for the word ‘Catholic’. The lattermost is the most likely reason for what happened about four hours later. patrickmadrid No, ‘Catholic Lisa’ is not a hypocrite. She’s acting ethically by doing the right thing and not aborting her unborn baby. Ah! A person butting in on a conversation and using the old "you’re wrong and here’s why, using a non sequitur" opening gambit. A challenge! So, according to Patrick, Lisa was not a hyprocrite because she was acting "ethically". This argument is logically equivalent to saying "No, Sidney Poitier is not black. He’s wearing a tie." I...
Dog Breeds
Man – sometimes woman, but mostly man because man just can’t leave things alone – has been manipulating the genes of animals since before he knew animals had genes or what genes even were. Take that God! Over the centuries, breeding dogs for specific purposes has managed to produce an explosion of canine varieties of different sizes, shapes, hairiness, temperament, and colour, although, sadly, still the same smell when they get damp. But just what were certain dogs originally bred for? I’m glad you asked. Dachshund Also known as the sausage dog due to its fatal allergy to the foodstuff, the dachshund is notable for its elongated body and short legs. In the medieval era the dachshund was bred to perform the role of draught excluder around castle doors which were notoriously prone to cold winds. In the modern era many people prefer using stuffed toy versions of dachshunds as draught excluders leading to great unemployment among the breed. Old English Sheepdog The Old English Sheepdog is particularly distinguished by its mass of white and light grey fur which covers its entire body including its face making it difficult to recognise in police line-ups. The sheepdog appeared among the breeds of dogs at around the same time that schools began performing plays that required more realistic-looking clouds than simple painted scenery. Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov, for instance, is totally ruined without a clutch (collective noun) of sheepdogs suspended from above. Puli The Puli is an average-sized dog with thick hair that grows quickly and becomes knotted in natural dreadlocks. The Puli breed started appearing in the Caribbean and the Americas during the 1930s when the Great Depression was blamed on Rastafarians and the Rasta Purges began. Many Jamaicans today owe their very existence to the fact that their relatives hid among the dogs’ coats in these terrible times. Whippet The whippet is very similar in appearance to the greyhound, that being a frail-looking, almost-undernourished, sleek animal, thin and fast, with long legs. The emergence of the whippet breed can be attributed to the fashion industry’s general move towards skinnier and skinnier models on the dogwalk. In recent times there have been calls for whippets to bulk up in order to set a better example. This does not mean you should feed a whippet fat-soaked chocolate though. Boxer The boxer has distinctive drooping jowels on a blunt face; its body is quite muscular and lean unless it is fed nothing but vegetables and fat-soaked chocolate. So don’t. The end of the nineteenth century and beginning of the twentieth century saw a great amount of drug use in Victorian England....
Second Secret Gospel Chapter
Previously on neOnbubble: Secret Gospel Chapter: Revealed. Jesus and his disciples returned to the hills beyond the Jordan and from there made their way – with only a short stop at Jesus’ miraculous water-into-moonshine still – down to the land by the sea. Jesus led his disciples to a quiet area which was the most fertile and beautiful area near the sea where an impoverished tribe from the East had set up home. "Look upon these poor people," said the Son of Man. "They are outcasts among their own people who have wandered far and ended with nothing but the land beneath their feet and the sky above their heads and yet they are rich because of it." And the disciples looked to the tribe who were happy with their lot and the disciples looked at one another because they knew Jesus quite well by now and suspected something was about to kick off. "That’s prime real estate, that," continued Jesus. "Nice beach. Anyone fancy a sunbathe?" James and John urged the Son of God "Teacher, is it wise that you should trespass on land to which you have no right?" And Jesus replied to them all: "Listen to me, those among you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord, because God has willed – not in writing, obviously – that this strip of land is for the descendants of Levi and Abraham and so on and so forth and that includes me and all of you so we’re sorted, okay?" But the disciples were still not happy and so Jesus said "The rest of the Earth belongs to the Devil; he tempted me with it when we were in the desert together, remember? Too much upkeep to be honest. But this land here is God’s and, by extension, mine. God wants us all to share. That’s what He’s telling me right now. In my head. Right now. What’s the worst that could happen?" The disciples discussed this among themselves and could not reach a firm conclusion and so they decided to let their master have his way. Then Jesus stripped down to his trunks and lay down on the beautiful beach that was part of the land of the outcasts and in time the outcasts came to him and his disciples and they said "You are Jesus whom those of your people know as the Son of God and you have bathed here on our beach for some time now but the tide is turning and there are those among our people who would like to go surfing. We would be happy to...
The Twitter Experience
What in the wide, wide world of sports is Twitter? Twitter is a social tool that lets you tell your friends or the entire world what you’re up to at any given moment. Similarly, and obviously if you think about it, Twitter is a social tool that lets you know what your friends or the entire world are up to at any given moment (like June of last year if that’s when they last bothered to log in). In the century of suppression to come it will be your civic duty to let your government know what you are doing at all times and Twitter is the first, friendly-faced, voluntary shuffle towards that glorious goal. So you may as well embrace Twitter now while you still have the freedom to filter your notifications and while your preferred username is still available. People who use Twitter are called Tweeple or Tweeps or People Who Use Twitter and the updates they send are called Tweets. So what sort of Tweeple (sigh) are there? People Like You That is to say "people similar to you" rather than "you’re popular, you!" because you sure as hell wouldn’t be here if the latter were true. People like you – or normal(ish) people – use Twitter to talk to people, chat about current events, ask questions, answer questions, or engage in some harmless, racist fun on Insult Random Users Tuesday. People With Over-Inflated Egos You’ll find people in the media industry are well-represented here but it applies across the spectrum of Twitterer backgrounds. People with over-inflated egos can usually be identified (though not always) by having a large number of followers whilst they themselves follow few, with those they do follow tending to only also be from the same class of egocentricity. In a sense they are saying "Look, I am here and online and have deigned that you – yes, you lower people – may listen in on my conversations better suited for email with other superior people so that you may grasp some sense of what a fantastic feeling it would be to be me but don’t think to engage me in chit-chat for I haven’t the time as I’m such an important person and by-the-by there’s something I’d like you all to do for me now, hop to it adoring sub-people." Or something like that; I haven’t really given it much thought. And I’m not any more bitter about this than I am about everything else in life so you shut up. People Who Aren’t People At All Yes, faceless corporations have faces on Twitter so that you can know when they’re...
Religious TV Schedule Highlights
Factual What Really Happened To The Hinduburg? Thursday, 21:00, HISTORY "Oh, the deity!" A brand new and fascinating documentary using state-of-the-art computer technology and descriptions of visions from those exalted by one God or another that attempts to unravel the divine truth of the last few minutes of the ill-fated voyage of the Hinduburg. Did Shiva the Destroyer strike down the grand, rigid frame airship or was there something more sinister at work? Static electricity perhaps, as some conspiracy theorists maintain? Narrated by Brian Blessed. Entertainment Cassocks Sunday, 21:30, E4 The Emmy award-winning comedy drama series about the young priests and nuns working at the Church of the Sacred Heart returns for an eighth season. Fathers John "J.D." Dorian (Zach Braff) and Christopher Turk (Donald Faison) start to question their faith when Sister Reid (Sarah Chalke) is mugged while praying five rosaries as penance for upsetting Bishop Kelso (Ken Jenkins) but they find themselves distracted when a Holy Water shortage threatens Sunday morning mass. Also starring John C. McGinley as Father Cox. Guest appearance by Brian Blessed as God. Movies Little Miss Sunnishine Monday, 20:00, Sky Movies Islam Seven-year-old Olive finds out she has qualified for the Little Miss Sunnishine religious pageant being held in California in just two days time leading to a roadtrip for Olive as her parents, her grandfather, her stepbrother, and her vile, deviant, homosexual uncle all travel along to the coast in a yellow Volkswagen bus to support her. Expect laughs and tears as the family experience a number of setbacks on their trip across country and look out for the hilarious, blasphemous ending that condemns Olive to ritual stoning. With Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin, Steve Carell, and Brian Blessed. Who Framed Roger Rabbi Tuesday, 19:00, The Disney Channel Part animation, part live action family movie. Bob Hoskins stars as Eddie Valiant, a private investigator brought in to help clear the name of Roger Rabbi, the toon television evangelist being framed for the murder of Marvin Acme who the rabbi knows has apparently enjoyed an extramarital dradling with Roger’s wife Jessica. Kids will love the cartoon aspects of this film while dads will have unholy thoughts about the voluptuous Jessica Rabbi. Mums will have to make do with Christopher Lloyd as Mohel Doom and a brief cameo from Brian...
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