Things You Never Hear People Say
There’s something really classy about leaving price stickers on the bottom of shoes. You know, I don’t think there’s one single ugly member of AC/DC. It’s a nice drink, but it’s no Campari. We’ve decided to scale back our fining of speeding drivers and concentrate on solving crimes this year. The person I’d most like to be trapped in an elevator with is Gary Busey. I wish the music charts were full of more covers of old songs. Some of the best journalists in the world work for the Daily Mail. I’m studying the history of French art because that’s where the big money is. I admire Harry Redknapp because of his selflessness. I wish politicians would stop asking people what they think and just go off and get things done on their own instead. Mark Wahlberg’s starring role really benefitted that movie. Wouldn’t it be nice if just once the Pope said something controversial and out of touch with modern life? Of course, the larger you make the knot in your tie the better it looks. I’d never noticed Mariah Carey’s breasts...
Acid Princess
I know this isn’t a photoblog and I know that I don’t normally blow my own trumpet (not in public, anyway (and rarely in private since I felt that sharp twinge along my spine)) but I’m pretty damn proud of this photo I took and the subsequent Photoshopping treatment I gave it, and so, reluctantly yet egotistically peacocky, I’ve decided to force upon you – the world – my "art". Those of you who subscribe to my Flickr account (hi you two!) may have already ignored this picture so this gives me a better chance to feel ever so slightly more appreciated (or, at least, slightly less not appreciated) during this yule period. Of yule. The picture is of the aft deck of the Diamond Princess with a number of post processing tweaks thrown in – Urban Acid colour wash, color dodging, linear burning, vignetting, and borderisification. If you know a better word that means "I added a black border" then feel free to tell me. Look how I almost on purposely made use of the rule of thirds for the composition! Click the image for hugenormous goodness. Also, to raise the number of views it has had on Flickr. But mostly for the goodness. But really for the...
Nha Trang, Vietnam
What can I say? I like what I did with this picture so I’m publishing it on my own site. It’s the sort of thing I’d do. Nha Trang, Vietnam A photoshopped photo from my recent trip to the Far East.
That’s Kubrap!
"Oh man, Godfather part two is so much better than Godfather part one!" "Dude, you are so talking kubrap!" This typical, everyday conversation between two vile youths may have left you stumped if you’re not sure just what "kubrap" is. What is kubrap? When many people claim something as fact, not because it is a fact and not because they’ve formed their own opinion, but rather because other people they know have claimed the something to be a fact and they’re merely repeating it without giving it any thought whatsoever so that they can appear "hip" (that’s still in use, yes?) then the fact itself is kubrap and anyone making the claim is said to be talking kubrap. Godfather part two, for example, is not better than Godfather part one yet many people will robotically proclaim that it is one of only a small number of sequels that are superior to the original. This isn’t because they decided this for themselves, thinking about the storyline, characters, direction, or anything else related to the film; it’s because they heard it on a television programme or their friend said it. The television programme was wrong, the friend was an imbecile, and the fact was utter kubrap. So, where does the name kubrap come from? Kubrap is a portmanteau word deriving from Kubrick and Crap. This is because most – if not all – of Kubrick’s films are really not that good – at best – and some are absolutely dreadful. Yet there are legions of people who will make ridiculous claims as to his genius behind the camera, not because they arrived at this conclusion themselves but because somebody else mentioned it and they decided it must be true and that to dissent from the accepted position might be interpreted as treasonous at some level. The movie Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb is a fine example of an appalling film that regularly resides in the upper echelons of various charts of the best movie ever made or the best direction or the funniest crud etc. People who want to appear informed vote for it because other, more popular cronies say it’s great. But it’s not great. It’s not even average. It’s not funny. It’s not a good satire. It has woeful acting and awful effects that aren’t some magical display of directing genius. Hot Shots! is a better war comedy but nobody ever fawns over the mystical art skills of Jim Abrahams. Dr Strangelove is crap by Kubrick. It’s kubrap. Kubrick was surrounded by controversy all his life; he famously didn’t get on...
Your First Princess Cruise
As you may very well possibly be aware (I may have mentioned it once or twice), we recently went on a cruise to The Far East on the Princess Cruises line. It was to be our first ever cruise and, not wishing to spend the entire honeymoon in a constant state of surprise, we cleverly (we thought) approached my new parents-in-law and enquired as to what to expect on our luxury sailing vacation since they were – and still are – old hands at this cruising malarkey. The information they showered upon us was – it turned out – borderline useless, verging on the criminally negligent. But don’t worry: our near-constant state of surprise and frequent nautical faux pas didn’t entirely detract from a fantastic trip after all and I’ve returned with only minor thoughts of cold, cold revenge on my cruise intelligence-deficient in-laws. My major thoughts – you’ll no doubt be thrilled to hear – are to expel from my brain tissue such cruising knowledge as I have recently absorbed, both to make room for this year’s hot new minimalist cranium look and to prevent any future cruise virgins with the good taste to find this site from making any of the mistakes we made. So, if you’re about to be a first-time cruiser or you’re cruising for the second time but some time between your first trip and this upcoming one you were hit on the head by a tortoise and have suffered debilitating memory loss ever since, then this guide to what to expect when you go cruising may be just what you need. Or you might be able to cancel or exchange for a skiing holiday in the Alps. Perhaps you’re pretentious. The information in this guide to your first Princess cruise is based on my time aboard the Diamond Princess, Voyage M834 to the Far East, November 2008. If you are incapable of moving back in time to travel with me then your experience may differ. Money A cruise costs quite a lot of money. When you look in the brochure you’ll probably think: Golly gosh! That’s quite a lot of money! A pricey sum and no mistake! And yet if you break down the cost of the cruise on a per day basis it actually works out to still cost quite a lot of money. But that doesn’t include any of the drinks you’ll be buying or the sneakily hidden automatic tipping (we’ll talk more on this in a minute) or any of the tours you’ll want to do. Including these additional expenses, a cruise actually turns out to cost quite a lot...
I’m Still Around
I’m still around. And still a round. That’s what cruise ships and their free food all day long policy does for you. Just thought I’d let anyone who cares know that we didn’t get trapped in Bangkok; one day later and we would have been though. But it wasn’t one day later so we weren’t. Having lost the month of November to vacationing like ’twas 1999 I’ve found the impetus to surf the net and get back to writing on this site and keeping it ticking over with drivel targeted at the infantile to be sorely lacking. I’m sure it won’t last; this pathetic update may even be the catalyst for a triumphant return to wasting my life away. However, right now I’m busy going through the 1600+ photos and four hours of video footage taken while on honeymoon. No, none of the video footage was of that aspect of the honeymoon. I didn’t have a high speed camera after all. So I’m trawling through memory cards and preparing an awesomely boring DVD of "The Trip" with which to awesomely bore the relatives who decide we simply must visit or be visited upon during this upcoming festive season. And I’m uploading some pictures to my Flickr space as I peruse the photos too. If you are so inclined then you can keep an eye on and virtually explore our trip to the Far East by checking those images out here: Far East Honeymoon/Cruise. At the time of publishing this I still haven’t got out of China yet and that was just the first three days of the holiday. P.S. Visit Beijing. It’s the most fascinatingly fantastic city I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to...
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