Saints Chargers Tickets
Hooray! And Yay! And Woo! And Whoop-de-diddly-doo! Tickets for the New Orleans Saints versus the San Diego Chargers playing at Wembley – Club Wembley tickets no less! – plus tickets for the pre-game Tailgate party held at the terrifyingly awesome-sounding Palace Of Industry arrived today. At stupid o’clock in the morning. When I was downstairs. But the door was locked. And the keys were upstairs. Because I’d just got up to inject the cat. And I’ve got a long hall. And steep twisting stairs. And a long upstairs hall. And I run like a buffalo. And I dread to think what a buffalo-like running me sporting only a dressing gown thundering down the hallway, up the stairs, down the other hallway, grabbing the keys, thundering back down the hallway, down the stairs, and down the original hallway would have looked like to an outsider or sounded like to our neighbours. But who cares! I’ve recovered from my mild heart attack following all that exertion and I’ve got NFL tickets for the Saints and Chargers! Whoop-de-diddly-doo! I’m really going to start pushing for more Whoop-de-diddly-doo in general...
Ola Jordan’s Nude Pictures
A lot of people (well, enough to make this almost worthwhile anyway) find this site while looking for nude pictures of Ola Jordan, the small but perfectly-formed dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, and this is because of an article about the dancing series that I wrote back in 2007 here. That particular article not only talks about Ola but it even includes a video performance in the comments. What it doesn’t have, however, are any photos – naked or otherwise – of the dancer. But that’s not to say that I don’t possess any. Now, Ola Jordan’s nude photos aren’t widely disseminated across the web and that’s mainly because her husband, James, has a fiery temper and connections with the Clapham underworld. However, it’s also because – up till now – I’ve not wanted to publish those pictures of her that I own because of the price that was paid in obtaining said images in the first place. Many Bothans died to get me these pictures. But, since I’ve had a falling out with the Bothans over a delivery of catsuits – yeah, that’s right; screw you, you lousy, lazy, workshy, unreliable Bothan scum! – and I like to please as many people as possible, here are the various pictures of Ola Jordan in my possession. There is probably some concern over whether any pictures of Ola are artistic or just downright dirty. Well, I think it’s clear to see that in this particular case you just can’t get any more artistically naked than those. Or can you? Ola has said that there’s nothing better than getting her hands around a lovely nude work of art and Titian – whose name sounds a bit like a woman’s mammaries if you’re as juvenile-minded as I am – has produced some of the greatest examples of nudity in the art world to date. Framed and clasped tightly to her chest, the piece above is one of Ola’s favourite pictures from the old master. Now, when I talk about "the old master" I’m not making any reference to Ola’s husband James at all; what goes on in the Jordans’ bedroom is their business and I’m not privy to any pictures from that specific area of their house at all. However, Nude In A Black Armchair – a work of art by Picasso – is something that they keep a print of in their main reception area and here’s both Ola and James showing how much they like to gaze at this particular reclining...
Julie Moult, Moo, EC, Site
It’s the early October update of site news! Whew! What do you mean by "you’re only posting this here to keep site changes ticking over and fooling search engines into thinking the site is far more active than it really is!"? That’s libellous, that! I’ve a good mind to ditch you and pick another inner monologue. Well, we’re still all eagerly awaiting news of when the Juile Moult image challenge will furnish us with some decent picture results in Google. Rival systems have produced some results – not this site though – but GI is so slow and so hung up with getting picture results from B3ta as to almost be irrelevant; for a search engine to claim to return results – pictures or text – that are relevant this is really quite poor. Julie must be quietly pleased at the moment, thinking she’s safe but let’s not forget that she really is an idiot. As a quick reminder of the picture of Julie Moult created for the challenge I’ve republished it here. Look! There it is! That picture you see? That’s the one! Speaking of pictures, I recently received my first see of Moo cards using images from my Flickr account. I’ve taken a photo which you can see here. Lovely things. I’ll be taking them to the Far East for my upcoming honeymoon and distributing (or "littering") them on the ship and in as many countries as I can. Anyway: Moo cards. Lovely. I may have mentioned that already. Speaking of honeymoons, I’m going on one as you may have surmised from the previous paragraph. Pretty much the whole of November. This means the Entrecard programme will need to be suspended as I won’t be able to approve ads or reciprocate any drops; haven’t thought what to put in its placeholder at the top of the screen yet. It also means I may have to code in an auto-posting system into the CMS just to make sure the site ticks over with updates – a few "I’m an automatic post"-type posts followed by a few "oh crap, I may be in prison in the Far East on littering charges"-type posts set to publish after I’m due back in case of problems. Speaking of not speaking about spam comments, the new anti-spam system seems to be working well. I still get an occasional blitzkrieg of spam comments in the moderation queue but since it was coded only one actual bit of spam has got through and that was because it didn’t actually link to anything and only contained garbage letters. I wonder what Julie Moult would make of...
Close Encounters: Prelude
I recently got my hands on a copy of the "Prelude" section to the planned but sadly shelved 30th anniversary release of Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters Of The Third Kind: The Special Edition: The Collector’s Edition: The Extended Collectors Special Edition Edition and was pleased to see that – had it been shot and distributed – it would have papered over some of the holes and sanded down some of the flaws in the otherwise spectacular movie. After an exchange of emails with the esteemed director Mr Spielberg, none of which were overly threatening or contained intimations that certain photographs were in a certain person’s possession and a certain someone might want to allow a certain other person who happened to be the first certain person certain rights to reproduce a certain film script, the generous filmmaker has granted me an exclusive worldwide right to reproduce this script here so that fans of the cinematic masterpiece can finally fully appreciate Close Encounters Of The Third Kind in its fullest glory. INTERIOR – ALIEN MOTHERSHIP – BRIEFING ROOM Bright, minimalistic look, something John Lennon and Yoko Ono might like. Tall, thin alien sits at head of a table. Fanning out from him are smaller, childlike aliens. Panning view as the aliens communicate with one another using quick hand movements and head tilts. Close in on tall alien CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN who presses his hands together and a stillness settles over the room. Tilt to his mouth which then speaks. CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN Gentlebeings, this is the final mission briefing. We are now in cloaked orbit over the planet known by many names among its disparate peoples but which we’ll call Earth since we’ve all just undergone intense American language lessons. Queedlestein looks around at the faces of his fellow aliens, blinking and smiling. They blink and smile back. Very serene feel. CAPTAIN QUEEDLESTEIN Many of you will have visited Earth before on earlier missions. Some of you have had misgivings over our continued, er, "borrowing" of Earth equipment in recent solar rotations. Let me assure you that we shall be returning all borrowed equipment immediately prior to the main mission. Lieutenant Badoodleberg of the Antiquities Division will explain. Lieutenant? A child alien makes a brief hand gesture. LT BADOODLEBERG Extensive examination of the Earth artefacts has turned up nothing useful – yes, you were all right; there really was no benefit in taking them and to be frank, there was no place to store the battleship anyway – so we have agreed to return all airborne and sea-based vehicles back to the Earthlings … ANOTHER ALIEN (cutting Badoodleberg off) I was under...
New Toilet Signs
It’s fallen on me to devise some signs for the toilets at work; someone keeps peeing on the floor and I’m risking serious injury by having to stand on tiptoes in positions that would make yoga masters furious with envy every time I require draining. Now, I’m not claiming that I’ve never peed on the floor in the toilet. I have. I’m a man. It’s what we do. However, I do clean up afterwards. I’m a Virgo. It’s what we do. And now I’m trying to encourage my co-workers to use the loo in a more civilised manner using the power of graphic images and talking about it on the internet. I’m a nerd. It’s what we do. That should just about cover most...
Chimera Zoo: New Additions
Thankyou for your continued interest in the neOnbubble Chimera Zoo and your continued receipt of our quarterly newsletter. Your continued donations and continued visits have stopped continuing we notice. It’s been a wonderful Summer for our zooanauts, scouring the four corners of the globe in search of the animals too hideous for other zoos to touch. Of course, we’d never refer to our chimeric abominations as hideous to their faces; that’s the sort of thing that would upset some of the sentient ones. We’ve got some new additions which we’re just sure will convince you to come and visit them in person. Don’t forget your debit card. The Narbil Part gerbil, part narwhal and not – as one local newspaper claimed – a rodent with a cocktail stick rammed in its skull. This particular creature was captured on a recent trip to Brazil where it’s believed the animal adapted to an irrational fear of homosexual homoshenanigans and evolved an identical defence mechanism to the narwhal which was also once used in a similar manner by lonely sailors. The Cowpard Far from the most glamorous of creatures, the newly-discovered cowpard is, nevertheless, one of the most important finds during our recent New World expeditions, especially for those biologists who disputed our other star attraction, the nocturnal pumagoat. Once again nature shows that there’s pretty much nothing that isn’t improved by adding cat genes into the mix somewhere. The Swiss Army are already very keen to see the results of our newly-established cowpard breeding programme. The Antipodoctocat It’s an established rule of nature that Australian animal life is just like animal life everywhere else only it’s bigger, scarier, faster, and poisonier. Yes, poisonier. Humans are not impervious to this natural necessity for change and neither, now, are felines. The exoskeleton is not quite as comforting to stroke but the antipodoctocat’s purr now really resonates and – a bonus for busy pet owners! – the creature can open its own tinned food without any assistance. The Human Pitbull What happens when you don’t abort the offspring resulting from pitbull rape? Eeeevillll! And that’s what we found abandoned in the distant and despairing wilderness of North America. Slap a bit of lipstick on it and get in a professional hair stylist and you’ll see that the human-pitbull hybrid cleans up well but that doesn’t stop it from being a terrible danger to anyone nearby. Stare at it but keep your children well away from the latest addition to the Chimera Zoo. And don’t worry: not only is the human pitbull not sentient, it even scores lower than amoebae when subjected to intelligence tests,...
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