Health And Safety Laws
Here at work they’re looking into the exciting world of PAT Testing (Portable Appliance Testing Testing (because you can never have enough testing testing testing)). This is because we have to comply with Health and Safety regulations. Despite the name, Health and Safety has nothing to do with either health or safety and is, instead, a governmental system designed to keep employed people who would otherwise hold clipboards in shopping centres or walk around with sandwich board signs on their bodies proclaiming ten percent off imported Romanian gold-plated jewelleryesque items. It does this by introducing new laws requiring certain standards are met that have never caused any trouble in centuries, producing armies of Health and Safety "inspectors" to randomly "inspect", and then issuing fines for non-compliance that are funnelled back into the system to employ new "inspectors" and top-ranking Law Imagineers. Keeping clipboard-holders off the streets is good. Health and Safety is, however, bad. For our Portable Appliance Testing Testing we will need to decide between allowing a qualified tester (tester?) to come around and check all our electrical appliances every year or two – there are a lot of them and you get charged per appliance tested – or pay for someone in the company to attend a course and buy a testing kit. The kit costs over five hundred pounds for – we believe – a voltmeter, rubber gloves, and a label maker. But it’ll be worth it all to know that the plug on the desk fan is working, something we wouldn’t be able to tell for certain without one of these kits at all. Oh, yes. Health and Safety laws, as you’ll no doubt be fully aware now, are yet another means designed to earn money for the government. But you may not be aware just how many health and safety laws your company might be breaking – and, hence, how close your company is to being fined into liquidation – at this very minute. The following are genuine British Health and Safety Laws. Companies employing greater than six employees must have a trained Maypole Guardian whose job it is to ensure that other staff are aware of the dangers of Maypole dancing – falling maypoles, ribbon strangulation, flirtation with paganism, etc. Cats brought in for Bring Your Cat To Work Day must be kept on an elastic leash and fitted with muzzles. Buttons for intercoms must be located at four inch intervals from the floor to the ceiling so that nobody ever has to stoop or stretch. Company premises that span two or more storeys or that are situated above ground level should be...
Make Your Own Beermat
Have you ever wanted your very own beermat just like the ones you see in pubs? Just follow the easy steps below and you’ll have your own beermat in no time! What You’ll Need Cardboard A sharp knife Glue Making The Beermat 1. Using a sharp knife, carefully cut out the beermat image above from the screen. 2. Use the beermat image as a template and cut around it carefully on the cardboard. 3. Glue the image to the cardboard you have cut out then wait for the glue to set. And that’s all there is to it! If you want to make any more beermats simply refresh this...
Talk Like A Pirate
September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. During September 19th (GMT) this site will be taken over by pirates! Arrr! But, fear ye not, ye landlubbin’ swine! Unless you have hidden booty on you. Pirates can smell booty a nautical mile off. If you have any hidden booty on you then I’d seriously consider panicking. Perhaps get in a few plank-walking practices. Rehearse your cowering plea for mercy. Erase from your memory any jokes about eye patches you might possibly have heard. That sort of thing. Rest assured! The piratical assault will be repelled come September 20th...
British Creationists
Disclaimer: This article is primarily addressed to Creationists, whether British or not. It’s quite lengthy and some of the words contain more than three syllables. I freely admit that this will be barely read, let alone comprehended by those for whom it is intended. Also, every insult comes with a money-back guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied but please seek the help of an adult with untaping your child-proof safety mittens before attempting to issue a complaint. The BBC recently published an online magazine article that exposed the shameful, shameful secret we’ve been trying to suppress for a long time in Britain. I’m very sorry to say this but … yes, it’s true. Britain has its fair share of complete morons too. Creationists – as everyone with greater than eight brain cells is aware – choose to ignore evidence in favour of stories. Not new stories either. Old ones. Very old ones. Less than ten thousand years old, however. You know, because the Universe didn’t exist before that. The starry backdrop was still on backorder. The designer was still trying to decide between fossilised remains of giant lizards and a Dear John letter from a sentient, multi-dimensional millipede. Yeah, not that old obviously. Now, stories are great things. I’d love to believe in some stories too. Harry Turtledove has some books where reptilians fight during World War 2. Extermination of the Jews … or reptiles shooting at French resistance fighters? I know which one I’d like to believe in but there appears to be this little thing called evidence which indicates I’m shit out of luck. Do Creationists believe in King Arthur? And I mean everything about King Arthur too. Witches, wizards, magic swords, mermaids? The possibility of witches, wizards, and mermaids all living in Britain just a few hundred years ago is awesome! Rather unlikely, however, what with all that "lack of any supporting evidence". Anyone found a female skeleton holding a sword in a lake? What about a pointy hat with "Merlin" sewn in it? An old, round table with "Galahad woz ‘ere" scrawled into the top? Not even that? Clearly, Creationists are picky about which stories they believe in. They are stupid, yes, but it’s a special kind of stupid being exposed. There is a wilful choice being made: of any two options pick the one with the smallest or simplest words. Excalibur … or myth? Myth’s shorter. Evolution … or God? Hell, God’s only got three letters! Nothing’s going to beat that! But back to the topic at hand: British Creationists. I’d like to talk to some of them. The BBC article allows some comments...
Professor Brian Cox TV Appearances
In recent weeks – because of his role as one of the scientists working at CERN with the Large Hadron Collider, because of his bitchslapping of the alleged President of the British Association of the "Advancement" of "Science", Sir David King on Newsnight, and because I interviewed the man several years ago before he was uber-famous – this site has seen a surge in search queries looking for information about Professor Brian Cox. Is he gay? Is he married? Is he married to a gay? And so on. Well, I know the answers to all those questions but I’m not going to address them here. Before he was a professor, before he was even a mere doctor, and before he performed with D:Ream, Brian Cox was a child actor who appeared on TV and in print many times in the United Kingdom throughout the 1970s and early 1980s. If you’re of a certain age then you might just remember growing up with Brian but if you need reminding then I’ve collected some of his more well-known youth appearances for your delectation. Here Come The Double Deckers, 1970 Brian is front left Brian was one of the original cast of cult children’s television programme Here Come The Double Deckers, playing the troublemaker Spotter. His role was quickly replaced by that of Sticks the American in order to pander to a wider audience. A little-known fact about Brian is that he developed a fixation with the London bus featured in the series and spent many years looking for it on the roads of Britain. These days, however, after receiving a box set of Jimbo and the Jet Set one Christmas, he confesses he is more likely to spend hours at airports wistfully gazing into the sky. The Tomorrow People, 1976 Brian is far right Season four of terrifying children’s sci-fi series The Tomorrow People introduced Brian in the role of telepath Mike, a working-class telepath with a criminal background. Viewers were unconvinced by Brian’s Cockney-cum-Mancunian accent and flooded popular magazines of the day such as Look-in with complaints. After his contract was not renewed Brian vowed to never buy Look-in again. And he never did. Rainbow, 1977 Brian is front right In addition to appearing in several episodes during the 1976 and 1977 seasons of Rainbow Brian also featured alongside Rod and Jane on an album of songs either from or inspired by the series including tracks such as "Where’s Your Other Hand George?" and "Gettin’ Zippy Wit’ It". What isn’t widely known is that Brian also filled in for Bungle on one of the episodes when the actor in question...
Guarenteed
Hello, and welcome to Thomas Cook! How can I help you? I’d like to book a holiday please. One for all of the next years. One for all of the … next years? That’s right. All of them. All of them? But only one holiday! Ha ha! I’m not made of money! No, indeed, but about these next years you’re talking about? Yes? What exactly are you talking about? Oh! Oh, well, you have a sign up in your window regarding booking a holiday for the next years. No, no, that’s a holiday for next year. Next year’s holiday. Oh, I see. Oh. Ah, well, that’s not what your sign says. I’m very sorry about that. But, anyway, would you like to book a holiday? For next year. Yes, I suppose so. I assume I’m getting it at half price. Half price? Er, no. Why? Your sign guarentees ten percent off. That’s half price. Sir is losing me. Ten percent is a tenth. Well of course ten percent is a tenth! I’m not a complete idiot. But you’re guarenteeing it! Yes? And? That multiplies the figure by five. It … what? No, it doesn’t. Yes it does. No, it means we absolutely promise that you can have what we’re promising. No doubt about it. What we’re saying … well, that’s what you’ll get. So it’s a bit like guaranteeing then? It is guaranteeing. I don’t think it is. Sir has now lost me. This is dreadful service. I’d like to speak to your manneger. Or your...
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