Knobber In The Skies!

Posted By Mark on Nov 28, 2007

"Goshdarn!" exclaimed Rupert suddenly. I froze in my checking of the auxiliary knobs on the backup knob panel, astonished at the exclamation I’d just been witness to. I was not the only one open-mouthed at Rupert’s outburst. "Now steady on Rupert old chap!" said Mitchells, removing his pipe to point it most pointedly in Rupert’s direction. "One of the reasons we’re fighting this war is so we don’t have to use language like that!" "I’m sorry chaps," said Rupert hurriedly, "but you simply have to see this!" And with that he gestured through the cockpit window using his head. In the midst of whatever astounding event had gotten Rupert so excited you had to admire his discipline in keeping both his hands on the control stick, making sure the plane flew level and true. One by one we all stood up and craned our necks forward to gaze at the view outside. I can only speak for myself when I say that I had been expecting to see the white cliffs of Dover pass by underneath us but what I observed instead sent a shiver down my spine. "Goshdarn indeed," whispered Bombardier Smythe standing to my rear. A vast, dense, lush, tropical jungle spread out beneath us in all directions as far as the eye could see. The sky – previously a perfectly-formed cloudbank ideal for bombing the Hitler’s ladyboys into last week – was clear and of the most vibrant blue. The sun from somewhere high above and behind us cast a rippling silhouette of the Lancaster on the carpet of treetops. "I say, Rupert," murmured Mitchells, "was the compass damaged in the raid?" "I’m afraid not Captain," Rupert replied tapping the dial in front of him with his knee. I made a note to commend our pilot for such dedication to keeping his hands on the stick. "We’re flying northwards, straight and true. Either Mr Fuhrer’s planted a jungle in Kent or England’s sailed off somewhere sunnier." "Do you suppose this is connected in some way to that slightly darker cloud we flew through this side of Antwerp?" I asked. I’ll admit that I was scared. Mitchells puffed lengthily on his pipe before replying. "You might have something there Jenkins. Top brass have long-suspected there might be a way of travelling through time given the metal frame of our aircraft and the unknown properties of clouds. It’s just possible that electrical charges in raindrops have coated the outside of this plane in a fluid sheen that has propelled it and us far into the future or the past." "Then I might never see my Mary again!" came...

Morons On Facebook

Posted By Mark on Nov 26, 2007

Despite initially appearing to be MySpace With Some Standards, one of the sad facts of Facebook – and probably all social websites – is that there still isn’t an I.Q. test that requires passing before someone is allowed to join. Over time this sort of failure leads to a dilution in the quality of any social site. Then again, it can provide unexpected entertainment. From the If Muslims Dont (sic) Like It Here Send Them Packing group (Link): You know you’re in for a good time when you read a description that states: Most of britian dont understand,What an effect muslims are having on our society,They are trying to change the way we have lived for many years and are slowly succeeding in some areas. When it comes to "dont understand"-ing, I might just be with "(m)ost of britian", whatever britian happens to be. With the commas and the capitalisation this description reads more like a poem. I’m not a fan of poetry but I think I get this one: apparently these "muslims" are trying to change the way "we" have lived "for many years" – possibly from as far back as the late 1990s – and the fiends are "slowly succeeding" in "some" areas. I hope one of the areas is in the teaching of English grammar but I suspect I may be the victim of wishful thinking here. The officers and admins of this particular group are the charmingly-named Sunny Bennett, the chavvily-sounding Wayne Duffield, and the Welshily-monickered Owen Lloyd Bennett. Things have got so bad in "britian" – what with all those sneaky muslims and their sneakiness – that three Welsh people have been stirred into action. Damn you muslims! Damn you all to heck! Don’t you know the Welsh are our last line of defence against anti-britianish invaders! But I know what you’re thinking: are there any sadly amusing comments from substandard excuses for humans pitied even by the lobotomised hordes in that Facebook group for people with a fear of things of which they haven’t got a clue? Why, yes! Yes there are! Jacob Johnson (nice Jewish name there, Jacob!) writes … there all a bunch of packis nd should be sent home fucking smelling arre country up of curry send the packis home simple as that not fucking hard is it Oh, Jacob, bless your illiterate, racist, black heart! Sadly, Jacob’s argument that the entire country smells of curry should not be taken seriously as Jacob lives above an Indian restaurant and doesn’t get out much. Jacob doesn’t tell us where this particular restaurant is or where he comes from in his Facebook...

Jahongir Sidikov, Sarah McCarthy-Fry

Posted By Mark on Nov 23, 2007

Jahongir Sidikov is due to be deported to Uzbekistan. As a member of the opposition political party this is more-than-likely going to lead to his torture and death. For some reason the Home Office has not only approved his deportation, but has also fast-tracked it. The media and other politicians seem to be uninterested. A letter sent to my local MP, Sarah McCarthy-Fry using the Write To Them website. Dear Sarah McCarthy-Fry, I am writing to express my concern regarding an urgent human rights matter. An attempt was made yesterday to deport to Uzbekistan a member of an opposition political party in that country, Jahongir Sidikov. This deportation has been fast-tracked by the Home Office (Home Office ref. S2185191) and approved by the FCO, despite serious concerns regarding the human rights record of the Uzbek regime. Craig Murray (ex British ambassador to Uzbekistan) and Human Rights Watch believe there is a very high likelihood that Sidikov will be tortured, and that he may perhaps even be executed on return to Uzbekistan. Hence, that the deportation is illegal under Article 3 of the UN Convention Against Torture. I hope that you will be prepared to raise this man’s case and do whatever you can to prevent the deportation. Any reply to be published here if/when it...

Employment Opportunity

Posted By Mark on Nov 22, 2007

Fighting Illness

Posted By Mark on Nov 9, 2007

It’s been a bad year healthwise at Family neOnbubble. First, my dad was diagnosed with the almost unpronounceable myasthenia gravis. Then my mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Luckily, both were caught early and they’re both responding well to treatment. And this week my cat stopped eating and drinking and started staring into space. A search on the internet terrified me beyond belief into concluding that his kidneys and/or liver had shut down. The vet did nothing to allay my fears initially by claiming there was a lump inside him too. As it turned out, though, he’s got feline diabetes instead. For the rest of his life – assuming he stabilises in the next 24 hours or so – I will be administering insulin injections into my cat twice a day. I would like to sum up this year as an annus horribilis but apparently that’s already been done. I shall call it "The Year Of Arse" instead as that appears to be quite unique. So, recently, I’ve been thinking about illnesses, diseases, and associated ailments, and, more specifically, how we can fight them in this enlightened modern age of wonders and joy. Suppose you got ill right now! What are some of your recovery options? Drugs The pharmaceutical companies have drugs, drugs, and more drugs and they’re cock-a-hoop about getting them to you to fight any illness you may have. For your everyday, not-very-important, hardly-ever-fatal illness such as the common or garden headache or the uncommon and usually nether regions-bound itchy rash they can provide you with ointments, ungents, pills, and lotions that will cure you of your problem in marginally less time than it would have taken your body to organise its defences and do something about it anyway. What saints! For your more lethal, long-term problems with debilitating side-effects … alas, cures seem to be in short supply, but fear ye not for a lifelong treatment is available at a price that’s only exorbitant if you stop and think about it and you simply don’t have time to do that you fool, you’re going to die!!! Pros: There are many pretty shapes and colours of pills. Cons: Pharmaceutical companies make one million percent profit off every sale. In my mind. Leeches Before we had drugs we had leeches and apparently we still have them now. And trepanning tools. Sometimes leeches with trepanning tools. But mostly just leeches. Iron age farmer with tennis elbow? Put a leech on it! Run over by a chariot driven by a Christian-eating lion in an amphitheatre? Take two leeches, twice a day! Building a pyramid but whip marks on your back...

NFL At Wembley In Pictures

Posted By Mark on Oct 29, 2007

The day started really well and by that I mean that is was raining as we left making us drenched before we reached the train station. From there things got much better and by that I mean that the trains weren’t operating for the first five or so stops so a nice, slow bus service was in use instead. But once we were on the train things went swimmingly at long last. And by that I mean that there was engineering work around Clapham Junction and the train needed to sightsee Chertsey and Staines before it could arrive at Waterloo tacking on another 25 minutes to the journey. There are no pictures of this part of the journey. There are pictures for other parts of the journey taken with my – as it turned out, rather crappy – camera phone. Yes, even the ones that look like they weren’t. We boarded the Tube for Wembley! The Tube was hot. Real hot. The kind of hot that makes Satan whip up a memo stating "Turn it down, would you? Regards, Dark Master." But we arrived at Wembley after a small trek from the Tube station in the pouring rain. You’d think we’d appreciate it after the heat but we seriously didn’t. We found our seats early. Ooh! Right in line with one of the End Zones! Where all the exciting action would take place! There was a pre-game show involving the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders, some band I’d never heard of, an inflatable thing, and two giant team shirts carried around, rotated, and flapped by people. The Cheerleaders were good. The game started after some awesome booing for John Terry, honorary team captain for the day, during the coin toss. We do so like to boo John Terry. Clever move, NFL, asking him to come along. Action on the field of play! It was raining a little bit, but not so you’d really notice. Luckily we were dry as the roof covered us nicely. I pity the fools near the pitch action though. I started noticing those horrible things called "other people" in the stadium. For example: Observe the heads of the people in the row in front of me. These "other people" had apparently turned up not to watch a real, live game of American Football in Wembley, but rather to see just how much beer and food they could buy during the first quarter, and then try to better that record for the second. With absolutely no exaggeration I can confirm that they left their seats and returned with beer and food – much of it spilt on themselves...